5 THINGS WRONG WITH ALIEN: COVENANT

HOLLYWOOD – Alien: Covenant is out and I tried to like it but in space no one can hear your eyes roll.

With Alien: Covenant, Ridley Scott has made a film that’s a bit better than the last bad film he made. Warning: there are SPOILERS.

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THIS IS THE END SEQUEL MOOTED

BERLIN – Seth Rogen and Jay Baruchel let slip in an interview with German cultural magazine ACHTUNG CHEESE! that they were working on a sequel to the oddly popular comedy This is the End

This is Not the End would be a prequel explained Seth Rogen, well Jay Baruchel sat in silent anger.

Otherwise how could we get Danny [McBride], James [Franco] and Jonah [Hill] into the film. So what happens is we have the same idea. There’s a party at Franco’s but whereas in the original film the world ends, in the new one, it doesn’t.  

So was ist da point?

Well, it’ll be cheap for one. The special effects on the last one, I know they didn’t look good, but they cost muchos coin! Also it will be an opportunity to be self-deprecating while at the same time being endlessly narcissistic. And yes, Michael Cera will be in it again.

Schiezen!

You’re welcome.

This is Not the End will be released in 2015. 

WINGED MONKEYS ATTACK NEW YORK











NEW YORK – Reports are just coming in that an army of flying monkey’s have descended on Manhattan leaving a trail of devastation in their wake.

‘I was just leaving my psychiatrists when all of a sudden a monkey swooped down from the sky and stole my glasses’ said a traumatized Woody Allen.

‘It’s not as though I can just replace them I’ll have to go in for an eye test, then they’ll make me look through catalogs and I’ll have to wait around while they fit the lenses into the frame. My optician never has any coffee so I’ll have to go buy coffee but all the good coffee places will be closed because of the monkey plague. Though I guess it’s not really a plague more of a vicious airborne virus that attacks the retinas. Which reminds me, I must take The Five year Engagement back to the video store.’

The monkey menace is thought to have been caused by an illegal experiment conducted by polymath James Franco in order to promote his upcoming movie Oz: The great and powerful.

‘James is not only an actor, an author, a director, a poet , a butcher, a baker and a candlestick maker. He’s also a geneticist,’ said Oz director Sam Raimi.
‘I remember when he invited me to his underground research facility that lies directly under 5th avenue. He said he’d been working on splicing monkeys with bats and could I use a couple of the creatures to promote the movie. He’s got a lot of bizarre stuff down there human/rabbit hybrids, giant goldfish and a fire breathing dragon with three heads that all look like Nicole Kidman.’

Franco was unavailable for comment but his publicist Chase Merkin had this to say:

James is currently hard work at work directing an adaptation of Kafka’s Ein Hungerkünstler starring Seth Rogan and Danny Mcbride. He admits the winged monkeys are his creation but the public shouldn’t worry because in a few hours their DNA will become unstable and their vital organs will explode.’

So there we have it. James Franco saves the day again and the good people of New York city can once again sleep safely in their beds knowing he is out there watching over them. Like some kind of God but in human form.