DEPP VS HEARD MOVIE CAST

HOLLYWOOD – As the final days in the trial of the century play out, the Depp Vs Heard movie has been announced with a cast already in place. The movie will be called Turds Of Endearment. Danny Devito will play Amber Heard and Johnny Depp will be played by Charlie Day. The Exec spoke with writer, director and producer on the project Sidney Fastbuck.

Sidney, Where Did You Get The Idea for a Depp Vs Heard Movie?

In a word? TikTok. My timeline is full of their bullshit. It used to be badly edited videos of dogs jumping over pools of crocodiles. But now, it’s one or both of them pouting like their life depended on it. So I thought, if these douchebags are getting rich from those douchebags, then why can’t I?

I Assume This Is Going To Be A Comedy?

Why would you assume that? I’ve written a heartbreaking drama about love gone bad.

But Your Cast Suggests It’s An Extended It’s Always Sunny In Philadelphia Episode.

It’s Always what now?

Sunny In Philadelphia. They Even Did An Episode Entitled Who Pooped The Bed.

I’ve never heard of that show in my life. If you ask me, it sounds disgusting. Who’s in it?

Your Two Leads, Danny DeVito and Charlie Day.

They never mentioned any of that to me. How weird is that? Still, it can’t be very popular if I’ve never heard of it.

It’s Ran For 15 Seasons So Far.

15? Huh. Well, it’s too late now, I’ve had the sets built. Do you know how expensive it was to recreate all the Pirates Of The Caribbean, Aquaman and Justice League sets? $440million. Just for a few shots of them in their respective careers.

Could You Not Get The Rights To Use Actual Footage From Those Movies?

Sorry, do what?

Surely It Would Have Been Far Cheaper To Just Buy The Footage Of Those Films.

Son of a bitch. I never thought of that. You’re a smart kid, y’know.

I’m 48 Years Old.

Turds Of Endearment Begins Shooting Later This Summer

RICHARD KIND SLAMS COLIN FARRELL FOR NORM-FACING

HOLLYWOOD – Colin Farrell slammed by Richard Kind for “norm-facing”.

Richard Kind has launched a broadside against fellow thespian Colin Farrell following the publication of onset photographs from The Batman. In an interview with the French Cultural Magazine Chapeau, Kind said:

It’s appalling. I saw it and I was appalled. You see, a chap like me we don’t get the handsome leads. We don’t get to kiss the girls. With our chops, we fight and scratch just to get small parts, best friends, angry bosses, characters in other words. Farrell is a fine lad and I like his work. But he’s a pretty boy. What right does he have to come along and take a part like The Penguin? He hasn’t lived our life experience. He hasn’t earned it. It’s just “norm-facing” is what it is.

Norm Facing?

The only me and me mates have is that we look normal. Ask Tom Wilkinson or Ciaran Hinds. We’re not winning any beauty pageants. But then they slap on a bucket of makeup on some pretty Irish boy and he snaffles one of the prime roles from us ugs. Look at Batman Forever. Danny Devito played that role. Perfect. Imagine how he would have felt if Robert Redford had put on a mask and taken it from him.

Colin Farrell however has not taken the criticism lying down. He told Deadline last night:

Richard Kind should keep his stupid fat mouth shut. I’m doing him a favour. Everytime he dines out now he’s going to be surrounded by young women thinking he’s me. Plus Kind and his kind are hypocrites. You didn’t see me whining when Richard Kind some years ago, put on a Colin Farrell mask and starred in Alexander, a role Oliver Stone had promised to me.

The Batman will be out in 2043.

ROMANCING THE STONE TO GET A SEQUEL

HOLLYWOOD – Much loved eighties action adventure Romancing the Stone is to get a sequel, it was revealed today.

Kathleen Turner and Michael Douglas are set to return in a long-awaited Romancing the Stone sequel. Turner will return as novelist Joan Wilder who will continue her adventures with hard-boiled tough guy Jack T. Colton (Douglas). The mad cap caper is set in north Africa and will also feature Danny DeVito in the role of Ralph, Jack’s untrustworthy sidekick. Director Robert Zemeckis spoke with the Studio Exec EXCLUSIVELY about the project:

Ever since we did Romancing the Stone we have wanted to go back and revisit these much loved characters. there was even talk about doing a sequel right after the first one, but I don’t remember what happened to that idea. This one will be really fast though. We have the script and the actors. We’re not getting any younger and so it’s time.

The Jewel of the Nile will be released in 1985.

DANNY DEVITO NAMED MOST FAMOUS MAN IN THE WORLD

HOLLYWOOD – Danny DeVito has been named the most famous man in the world, according to a recent poll.

Danny DeVito is officially the most famous person in the world. The poll was conducted by the Kevin Pollak Society and took in the largest number of respondents and the most geographically dispersed of any poll known to man. People were polled in places as far afield as Iceland, Afghanistan, the Democratic Republic of the Congo and San Marino as well as every country in Europe and the American continent. The figures were overwhelming with Kevin Pollak himself announcing the results from his headquarters in New Jersey:

I’m very happy for Danny. He won by a huge margin. The next nearest person was Martin Sheen but he was way down the field. The most famous woman was revealed to be Alison Brie from Community and Mad Men.

Danny DeVito first came to fame in the TV show Taxi. He has had a highly successful career as a film actor, starring in such hits as Romancing the Stone and Throw Momma from the Train. He moved into directing with Hoffa and has recently moved back to television with It’s Always Sunny in Philadelphia.

The poll, which tested facial and name recognition, was based on science.

RUSSELL CROWE TO STAR IN NEW BILLY JOEL MUSICAL

NEW JERSEY – Rob Marshall is to direct a forthcoming musical rock opera featuring Russell Crowe as the legendary singer-songwriter Billy Joel.

We didn’t Start the Fire tells the story of a trio of dishonest pyromaniacs, and will feature performances from Hugh Jackman, Russell Crowe and Danny DeVito.

Crowe’s character, Billy Pole, plays piano at a joint where people ‘sit at the bar and put money in the jar and say man what are you doing here?’ but he just goes ‘lar-didi-dar-didi-dar’.

His pyro buddy Minko (played by Jackman) falls in love with Rachel Weiz’s fire chief and they duet on ‘Don’t Go Changing (to Try and Please Me)’. Meanwhile, DeVito provides comic relief as Hardy Har-Har, the insurance salesman who seeks to profit by his and his friend’s proclivities, while advising Minko to ‘Tell Her About It’ and proclaiming to police detective Ruce Stinksteen (Adrien Brody) that he is ‘An Innocent Man’.

Russell Crowe spoke EXCLUSIVELY to the Studio Exec:

It was great finally meeting Billy. He’s been a hero of mine ever since An Innocent Man. Boy that was a great album. We had him in at every stage of production. We sent him the first script and he said ‘Don’t go changing, to try and please me’, sang it actually, then we showed him the dailies and he sang it again and then at one of the first previews. At that point it was getting a little bit old.

Commenting on the film, DeVito said:

It’s f*cking awful but I need the money and my life is going to shit anyway.

We didn’t Start the Fire will be released in 2017. 

MICHAEL DOUGLAS MEMOIRS 2.


NEW YORK – Actor, producer, husband and son, Michael Douglas is famous for such films as The China Syndrome, Falling Down and Fatal Attraction, and now has written his memoirs Michael Douglas: Yodelling in the Canyon. The Studio Exec has received advance copies and we are going to be publishing extracts over the following weeks.
On Romancing the Stone:

I remember watching Raiders of the Lost Ark with my pal Danny DeVito and saying, “I wish we’d done that.” Then I got to think, why not do it anyway? I call Bob Zemekis and he’s up for it, we find a script and off we go. Kathleen Turner agrees to play opposite as the female lead and we head off for Mexico.

It’s no secret that me and Kathleen didn’t exactly hit it off. In fact we had screaming matches from day one and I’m embarrassed to say that I was often the one screaming the loudest. Usually this would upset the crew and co-stars, but my chum Danny seemed really relaxed and happy. In fact, he was scribbling notes in-between takes. He’d come along to the restaurant and sit their scribbling away as me and Kathleen yelled and spat at each other over the entrées. Imagine my surprise years later when the script for War of the Roses turned up. It was Kathleen and I, almost verbatim. “Danny, you little asshole!” I shouted at him. But he just laughed his head off. What a character!


 Michael Douglas: Yodelling in the Canyon will be available for sale shortly. 


FLUFFER AND THE FOURTH ESTATE


Many of the better actors I’ve worked with over the years have what one can only describe as a love/hate relationship with journalists, but not me: I love them! Not the ones who say nasty things of course, they’re a bunch of untalented, lazy, useless shits, but the rest of them are jolly good chaps. 

Journalists are always quite easy to spot because when you’re at an interview or a press conference, they’re the ones who tend to ask an awful lot of questions. I met one once who had a job writing articles for the newspapers, and he was fascinating. Apparently everything they come up with is actually based on a true story, so it’s not that different to being in the movies really. I’ll tell you who didn’t like journalists though, and that was Clark Gable

If he saw one coming toward him in the street he’d hide in a doorway to avoid them. If that didn’t work he’d just punch them in the face and run off, but when he twisted his ankle teaching Edward G. Robinson the rhumba he had to get a bus instead. It wasn’t the same. 
Playing a journalist in a picture isn’t too difficult, you just need to wear your shirt sleeves rolled up and undo your tie a bit. Dustin Hoffman once told me that he played one in All The President’s Men, but I don’t remember them being that small. Not one of the Munchkins ever played a journalist, so maybe he was pulling my leg. I’m not saying all journalists are giants, in fact most of the ones I’ve stopped to have a drink with have been what I’d call an average height, but you never ever see a short one. Apart from Danny DeVito in LA Confidential. And Tintin. 
There was one occasion when a journalist treated me very shabbily indeed, and that’s when he misquoted me when I said Elizabeth Taylor was a witch. But that’s another story…

RENEE ZELLWEGER WILL NOT BE IN INTERSTELLAR

MONTREAL  – Casting news for Christopher Nolan‘s new project Interstellar broke out like a fresh case of web wide hives this week.

Following on from the news that Matthew McConaughey and Anne Hathaway had both finalized their participation, came the shock revelation that Renée Zellweger had been turned down for a role and would not be appearing in the upcoming Science Fiction extravaganza.

Nolan released a statement to the press earlier today stating that:

Usually it would be-hove to me to say something about how I admire the talent of the actress in question and how I look forward to working with her at the earliest opportunity but for this project due to scheduling etc. it just wasn’t possible. However, the truth is I just don’t think she’s very good. 

Many instantly lept to Ms. Zellweger’s defence, including Eva Mendez, who said the director’s comments ‘were graceless, unnecessary and unprofessional.’ Nolan responded that Eva Mendez was ‘rank’ as an actress. When Danny DeVito tried to say something Christopher Nolan turned up at his interview and pushed him over before running away, laughing.

However, he did make Inception.  

DANIEL DAY LEWIS TO LAUNCH ROCK SUPERGROUP

Gary big bottom Sinise

DUBLIN – Three time Oscar winning actor Daniel Day-Lewis has embarked on a new career as a rock vocalist assembling a Celebrity Rock Super Group called Class Actors.

‘I don’t play an instrument or write my own material,’ said the famously happy actor. ‘But I do like to rock out and let my hair down and I play a pretty mean air guitar.’



Russell the Muscle
Smooth operator Eastwood
Mr. Perlman

Kevin Spacey is learning to play the drums, Gary Sinise is on bass, Russell Crowe on acoustic guitar and backing vocals, Clint Eastwood is tickling the ivories and Denzel Washington and Danny DeVito are making up the horn section.

Preacher man


Daniel Day Lewis commented:

I got the idea from Kevin Bacon who has had a band for ages but they’re absolutely gash. We’re going into the studio and we’re going to do a whole bunch of rock classics that reflect our careers. 

What songs do you have lined up?

Smoke on the Water, Stairway to Heaven, Wild Boys by Duran Duran, Take on Me by A-Ha, Living on a Prayer, The Eye of the Tiger, Drop Kick me Jesus (Through the Goalpost of Heaven). That one’s for Gary. Two Tribes and we’re toying around with Bruce Willis.

You’re going to do one of his songs?

No, we just keep telling him the wrong practice rooms and he turns up and waits for ages. It’s hilarious. 

Will Class Act be performing live?

Definitely. We’re booked for the Anchor Inn on the 23rd.  

Class Act are playing at the Anchor Inn on the 23rd.

ARNIE DID SAN DIEGO: SHOCK REVELATION

 

SAN DIEGO – Following on from his earlier revelations of sexual shenanigans, including a raunchy affair with Brigitte Nielsen, Arnold Schwarzenegger former California Governor and Predator and Jingle all the Way star admitted to having ‘done’ much of San Diego.

‘There were perhaps one or two neighbourhoods I missed but I’m pretty sure I did more or less everyone who it was legal to do,’ said Arnie, who has kicked back and let loose with the secrets in his forthcoming memoir Total Recall. ‘I worked on a grid system so I wouldn’t miss anyone.’

Ask why he was so irresistible to men and women, the multi-millionaire body builder and action movie superstar looks baffled, ‘I don’t know. The accent perhaps?’
 
Conan the Destroyer – as he likes to be known – is currently back on our screens in The Expendables 2 and has a whole slate of films lined up including Triplets which he is hoping will give him a chance to get it on with his co-star Danny DeVito. ‘I have a lot of affectionate memories of Danny,’ Arnie said.
 
When asked to respond to the claims DeVito said that Arnie is a fantasist. ‘I love Arnie but I’m happily married and I’m from New Jersey,’ the Taxi star assured Studio Exec. ‘We certainly didn’t Jingle all the way.’