HOLLYWOOD – News came in today that Leonardo diCaprio is to play Eddie Redmayne in a new biopic of the “Danish Girl” and “Theory of Everything” actor’s life.

It is believed that in a desperate bid to win an Oscar Leonardo DiCaprio is to play fellow actor Eddie Redmayne in a new biopic called simply “Eddie”. The new film that has been written by Mr. DiCaprio will concentrate specifically on Redmayne’s preparation for the role of Stephen Hawking, the astrophysicist who became world famous following the publication of his best-selling book A Brief History of Time.

A source close to the production told the Studio Exec:

Leo is really hot keen on this property. Though like all actors he has occasionally added a line here or there, this is the first film he has actually written from beginning to end. The script is great. He uses the preparation of the role of Stephen Hawking as a framing device and then goes back through Eddie’s upbringing and early career. We see the actor becoming the Oscar worthy legend that he is today. The making of Jupiter Ascending also will be featured as light relief.

Eddie Redmayne first shot to fame with his portrayal of Marilyn Monroe in “My Week with Marilyn” and has also starred in “Les Miserables”, during which he tried to sing. Although his Oscar win came a year after Leonardo DiCaprio failed to win for “The Wolf of Wall Street”, DiCaprio has changed the timeline in the script so that the two go head to head. The Aviator (as he prefers to be known) telephoned the Studio Exec late last night to explain his thinking:

You see what it is is this. I want an Oscar. Goddamn it, I want one. I know, I know it’s only a trinket, but it’s a trinket I don’t have and I want. Redmayne got one by playing Stephen Hawking. So I figure if I play Redmayne playing Stephen Hawking, so in other words doing twice the acting, then legally the Academy have to give me the Oscar. And even if they don’t the final scene of this film is going to be me receiving an Oscar. I’m also going to play me sitting in the audience grimacing. It’s a bit meta but I like the idea.

Eddie will be released in December.


VENICE – Our intrepid Studio Exec has braved the screening rooms of the Darsena, the Sala Grande and even the dreaded plastic cavern that is the Palabiennale and now is here to give you his critical opinion.

I’ve seen films you people wouldn’t believe.

The Danish Girl: Stephen Hawkings wants to be a girl. Flutters eyelashes and weeps. No pastries.

The Childhood of a Leader: Brechty Ibsen W.H. Audenish, soundtrack by Scott Walker. What else do you need to know? And Robert Pattinson isn’t in it much.

L’Attesa: Juilette Binoche weeps.

A War: Danes again. Now in Afghanistan. One of the best films ever about the conflict. Shits on Lone Survivor from a height.

Janis: Little Girl Blue: Janis Joplin caterwauls and then dies.

L’Hermine: Funny and French. And it’s not every day you can say that.

A Bigger Splash: Voldemort is a record producer and Tilda Swinton can’t speak. Heavenly.

The Endless River: Pink Floyd’s dullest record gets an album to match.

El Clan: Great Argentine true crime caper with lots of brutality and a very bad daddy. How do you say Scorsese in Spanish?

Rabin: The Last Day: Israeli Prime Minister gets shot for making a peace deal.

Venice continues despite my best efforts.