HOLLYWOOD – Sad news at Hogwarts, as former Griffendor alumni and Quiditch champion Harry Potter today revealed himself to be a member of a white power group.
Harry Potter is a neo-Nazi, we have learned today. Speaking from his personal blog – there ain’t no black in the Griffendor flag – Potter wrote:
I’m sick of black people and muggles infecting the purity of our race. As a wizard I feel it is my duty to maintain as much as I can the blood lines of the ancient wizards. Although Voldemort was wrong in many of the things he said, I have come to agree that at least he made the trains run on time. Which can be more than can be said for that amateur Dumbledore.
The news was met with shock and dismay by thousands of Potter fans. Hermione Granger, wizardry ambassador for the UN, had this to say:
I know Harry has been under a lot of pressure. Ginny has left him adn life has not been kind following the travails and early fame of his youth. However, none of this condones the outright racism and violent rhetoric he has employed. I believe he should be very carefully monitored and as a so called mud blood myself, I do see this as a personal betrayal.
Potter’s racist and hateful views became evident when he was spotted at a White Power rally in Alabama, USA.
Imperium will be released in August, 2016.
HOLLYWOOD – When Harmony Korine was handed the reigns of the follow up movie to Harry Potter and the Deadly Hallows Part Two, we all knew that the 40 year old enfant terrible of American cinema would take the franchise in a predictably conventional transgressive direction and so it has proved.
The first publicity shots to come out from Harry Potter and the Abuse of Peoples and Substances show Daniel Radcliffe as Harry Potter, a pale shadow of his former self, his body destroyed by years of abuse and intoxication. The corrective laser surgery on his eyesight and the plastic surgery to remove that bothersome scar means that he has become a babe magnet and while at home he keeps Ginny Weasley (Bonnie Wright) in a perpetual state of pregnancy while he goes out and indulges in his sex addiction at the local stables (?) Meanwhile Hermoine Granger (Emma Watson) dances around looking vacant and trying to fill her empty soul with the flooding numbness of alcohol and cocaine. Her husband Ron Weasley (Rupert Grint) is driven to despair, walking around buck naked and threatening anyone who sniggers with a replica pistol.
Harmony Korine commented exclusively to Studio Exec that:
The Harry Potter series for many of my generation is like the Beatles and the Rolling Stones. These are the lives by which we have lived our own, but rather than indulge in glib power fantasies involving magic and mythical beasts, I’ve put the same characters into situations of ‘real life’, drug abuse, violence, disappointment, self-hatred, bitterness, vacuous emptiness and despair, sexual addiction and perversion, violence. Did I mention self-hatred?
Harry Potter and the Abuse of Peoples and Substances will be released on Xmas day 2016.