MADS MIKKELSEN IS NOT IN EVERY FILM

BREAKING NEWS – With the pending release of Bullet Train and Nope, it can now be confirmed that Mads Mikkelsen is not in every upcoming film. The news has led to rumors of the Danish superstar’s retirement from acting. The Exec caught up with the star to find out exactly why Mads Mikkelsen is not in every film.

Mads, Thank You For Joining Us At This Difficult Time.

Ah, so you want to know why Mads Mikkelsen is not in every film. I will tell you. A couple of years ago it was getting out of hand. I was shooting Fantastic Beasts one day, flying back to Europe and recording a voice over on the plane. I would then shoot a real film for one of my chums. And then it was back on another plane, another voice over. And back to standing in front of a green screen for whatever bullshit they were paying me an obscene amount of money to be villainous in.

So It Was All The Pressure Of The Travelling?

Fuck, no. I get treated like royalty wherever I go. It was the money.

They Weren’t Paying You Enough?

No. They were paying me too much! I didn’t know what to do with all that dough. There’s only so many platinum teeth I can put in my mouth at any one time. And once you’ve bought a couple of Malibu beachfront properties, what else is there? I’ll tell you, Danny Day-Lewis had the right idea.

Drink Someone Else’s Milkshake?

No. Disappear to become a cobbler. That’s what I’m going to do. Well, not exactly that, but I am going to open up a key cutting booth on Coney Island. I’ll also sell cans of soda pop and ice creams. It’s a dream I’ve had for many years now. Leave behind the drudgery of Hollywood and the European Arthouse scene. Do something more fulfilling.

What? Cut Keys.

Have you ever cut a key?

No, I Haven’t.

Well, shut the fuck up then.

Mad Mikkelsen Is Not Appearing In Bullet Train Or Nope

ANYA TAYLOR JOY FARTED AT VENICE

‘BREAKING’ NEWS – The Exec can exclusively reveal how Anya Taylor Joy farted while attending the Venice Film Festival red carpet events. It happened at the build up to the premiere of her new film, directed by Edgar Wright, Last Night In Soho. Anya Taylor Joy farted as co-star Matt Smith walked the red carpet with her.


Anya Taylor Joy Farted – Not Living Deliciously

The star could be heard pumping out the farts through her bright pink Dior designed dress as she strode up the red carpet. Paparazzi were kept well back from the star, which was a good thing. Matt Smith who co-starred with Anya in Last Night In Soho, could be seen mouthing the words ‘Jesus fucking Christ! Who dropped their guts? Anya?’ as he greeted her at the glitzy event. The ex-Dr Who actor was seen gagging repeatedly, as he walked beside the flatulent star.

Where’s The Shitter?

The two met up with the Shaun Of The Dead director, Edgar Wright who could be seen holding his nose. Initially, he pointed at Matt Smith, who shook his head in disgust and pointed at his glamorous co-star. She looked at Edgar and said with no shame, ‘Yeah, that was me, Eddie my boy. I can’t help it. I was drinking Guinness last night and then went for a curry. My guts are playing havoc with me today and I’ve had the squirts four times already. Where’s the shitter? Because I gotta to go again.’

Funyuns And Chess

Throughout the entire film Anya sat at the back of the theatre. She ate Funyuns, only stopping occasionally to raise a leg and force a trump. Then she shouted out chess moves at the end of each loud and noxious fart. ‘Knight takes Pawn. Hooray! And ‘I’m Castling my Kasparov!’ The film ended and the polite audience rose to its feet to applaud. She swaggered menacingly down the aisle, throwing Funyuns like confetti as she went.

French Flatulist Film

Anya announced at the Q&A afterwards her next role will be in an all-female biopic. The story of the French Flatulist, Joseph Pujol, better known as Le Petomane, who rose to fame as a professional farter. She is being coached by Daniel Day-Lewis, who is also a keen flatulist. It will be called Gaslighting.

Last Night In Soho Is Released In Cinemas In October

DANIEL DAY-LEWIS DOES NOT LIKE MILKSHAKES

HOLLYWOOD – Daniel Day-Lewis does not like milkshakes.

In an exclusive interview, the reclusive method actor Daniel Day-Lewis has revealed he does not like milkshakes. His lactose intolerance made for an uncomfortable and smelly shoot on the set of There Will Be Blood.
The Exec managed to catch up with the super private actor at his home, 36 Dewbury Gardens, Bradford, BD8 9PL (if there’s no-one home there’s a key under the plant pot, just let yourself in).

What was it like playing Daniel Plainview in There Will Blood?

It was a bastard nightmare, I tell thee. It should have been called There Will Be Shit. They made me drink so many fucking milkshakes, my guts just wanted to explode. Blow themselves right out of my ass, all over the set.

That must have been quite difficult?

Yeah, but in all fairness, it was more difficult for Paul Dano. He was a real trooper, helping me with my tummy troubles between set ups. He would empty the Saniflow shitter in my trailer. I ended up calling him Paul Draino, he loved it. That boy sure has a strong constitution. To tell you the truth, I kinda think he enjoyed my baptism scene where he slapped me. I think he got some payback.

How many times did you shoot that scene?

Four hundred and fifty two times. He just kept saying that he thought he could do it better and kept slapping me harder and harder. I have a reputation to consider, so I couldn’t say shit. But I got my own back.


Did you get your own back with the scene in the bowling alley?

Shit, no! I got my own back on him after about 200 takes of the baptism scene. We took a short break so I scoffed down a grilled cheese sandwich with a glass of full fat milk. Then every time he slapped me, I’d fart. I shat my pants several times, but neither of us would budge an inch. It was a real mess down there. But I think the results speak for themselves.


My God! What’s that smell?

Hah, psyche!

DANIEL DAY-LEWIS TO PLAY THE SILVER SURFER

HOLLYWOOD – Daniel Day-Lewis’ agent has confirmed her client will come out of retirement to play The Silver Surfer in an upcoming Marvel movie.

“Daniel has been offered many opportunities to return to acting over the past few years. He was courted for the lead role in Joker and he very nearly signed on to play Jimmy Hoffa in The Irishman, but it was the challenge of playing The Silver Surfer that eventually tempted him to return.”

Infamous for his meticulous preparation for a role, Day-Lewis’ agent confirmed the celebrated actor is going all out for his comeback:

For the last six months he’s been working as a herald of Galactus, travelling the universe looking for new worlds for his master to devour. It’s not been easy. Being personally responsible for the extinction of billions of alien lifeforms weighed on his conscience but he’s a pro, and after a couple of weeks he was enabling cosmic genocide with a big smile on his face.

Galactus himself has come forward to praise Day-Lewis:

I love The Age of Innocence and it’s been my dream since I first saw it to work with Danny but because he was retired, I originally chose Tom Hardy to be my new herald. Unfortunately every time I devoured a planet Tom would cry uncontrollably and sure, a few tears the first couple of times is forgivable but after the 7th or 8th planet Tom was still in floods so we decided to amicably part ways. I did consider Ryan Gosling as a potential replacement but then I got the call that Danny was interested and the rest is history. He’s been truly exceptional, I’ve never been so full but I know that day will come soon when the project ends and I’ll have to obliterate him from existence to keep the secrets of my power getting into the wrong hands. That will be a sad day for me as not only will I be losing a friend, I’ll also be ensuring there will never be a Phantom Thread 2 and that is a terrible shame.

DANIEL DAY-LEWIS WILL PLAY GALACTUS IN MARVEL PHASE 5.

STEVEN SPIELBERG TO FILM HAMILTON

HOLLYWOOD – Steven Spielberg will film the movie version of the hit Broadway musical Hamilton.

According to sources close to Steven Spielberg, the Jurassic Park director is set to film hit Broadway movie Hamilton. The source told the Studio Exec EXCLUSIVELY:

Steven got the idea after the cast spoke up when Mike Pence visited the production soon after Donald Trump’s election. He felt that the musical had not become such a phenomenon that he could do something special with it. Plus, he always wanted to make a musical and so this is it.

We immediately phoned Steven for confirmation. He said:

How did you guys know? Was it Kathleen spilling the beans? Oh, cripes. Gosh. Well, yeah. We were hoping to keep it under wraps. In fact I’d told everyone I was making West Side Story and we’d been auditioning the cast on that basis but all along it was for Hamilton.

Lin-Manuel Miranda is closely involved in the project, Spielberg confirmed.

He is an essential component. The way I see it is the film is a prequel to Lincoln. In fact, I’m also in talks with Daniel Day-Lewis to re-film some scenes of Lincoln but with singing.

Didn’t he retire?

Not anymore.

Hamilton is to be released in 2020.

OSCARS PLAN BEST PICTURES SNAFU

HOLLYWOOD – The Oscars will feature another SNAFU on the Best Picture Oscar this year.

The nominations for the 90th edition of the Academy Awards are out. And already excitement is beginning to build, with many already laying odds on who the winner might be. But one thing is certain, whoever wins the Best Picture is going to almost certainly be the second name called. We spoke with a spokesperson for the Academy:

We had such fun last year with Warren Beatty and Faye Dunaway. First of all we thought it was a huge mistake but we got more ratings and buzz for days and weeks afterwards than we had for any other edition. We live in a new world now and if the Oscars are going to survive it is going to have to become more and more viral. This kind of story runs and runs.

 So you’re going to intentionally give the wrong movie the Best Picture Oscar?

Exactly. We have talked about leaking it into other categories as well. Can you imagine how funny it will be when Denzel Washington gets up and starts his acceptance speech only to be interrupted and told that Daniel Day-Lewis has won it again. Hilarious.

It could upset some people.

We also thought of a new system where we announce two winners and make the decider a race to reach the podium. When Margot Robbie hears about that she’ll probably break Meryl Streep’s leg! Because of the I, Tonya, you see because…

Yeah I get it. I just don’t believe it. 

It’s adapt or die in the new social media landscape Exec. We had Ellen Degeneres doing a selfie some years back, but that stuff got old pretty fast. Now we’ve got to innovate. One idea was to burn Kevin Spacey in effigy on the stage, or even have a ‘purge’ on the red carpet. But we also want to keep the dignity of the academy going. So… this is what we’ve got.

The Oscars are broadcast March 4th, 8:00 PM ET, ABC.

 

DANIEL DAY-LEWIS TO PLAY SHIA LABEOUF

HOLLYWOODDaniel Day-Lewis’ final film will be a biopic of Shia LaBeouf, currently titled Shia.

Following his decision to retire, Daniel Day-Lewis has assured his fans there is one last film. The actor will complete a biopic of fellow actor Shia LaBeouf.

“Shia LaBeouf is without doubt the actor of our generation,” says Ron Howard, former Happy Days actor and the director of the forthcoming film. “And who better to play him than the second best.”

The Dayster (as he’s known in Thespian circles) has become legendary for the extent of his preparation. When he starred in My Left Foot as paraplegic author Christy Brown, the There Will Be Blood star spent the whole shoot in a wheel chair, writing novels and refusing to answer to the name ‘the Dayster’. Likewise to prepare for his role as Hawkeye in Last of the Mohicans, Day Lewis spent three months underneath a waterfall shouting hoarsely at Madeline Stowe. This role might prove however to be his toughest challenge yet.

Already the physical transformation has begun to take place, and the first shot of him (right) as the Disturbia and Transformers star shows an utterly transformed and strangely younger looking man.

“A shave and a haircut and we’ll be there,” quips an ebullient Howard.

When asked for a comment, the normally reluctant In the Name of the Father actor was quietly forthcoming. “I’ve studied Shia for years,” says Day-Lewis, his eyes fixed on the ground. “This is the man who rescued the Indiana Jones franchise you must remember. So when Ron called and said he had a challenge for me, I knew he wasn’t kidding.”

Daniel Day-Lewis Preparations in Full:

Daniel Day-Lewis

For My Beautiful Laundrette DDL bought a laundrette. “It was pretty, sure but it wasn’t beautiful,” said a disgruntled Stephen Frears. It was a lesson in perfectionism from the director of Tamara Drewe.

Preparing to play Daniel Plainview, in There Will Be Blood DDL changed his first name to match his character.

For Lincoln, Steven Spielberg described how the actor prepared for the famous assassination scene, by being shot in the back of the head every morning for two weeks. “Something to do with muscle memory,” the 1941 director remarked wonderingly.

To prepare for Nine, the chameleon actor “did nothing at all.”

While shooting Gangs of New York, Scorsese noted how “Daniel would use every opportunity to talk to Cameron. It was touching really. He sat and studied her and learned from her. I think he was a better actor for it.”

Shia will be released in 2018.

DANIEL DAY-LEWIS PLAYS THE DEATH STAR IN STAR WARS 9

LONDON – J.J. Abrams has confirmed that Daniel Day-Lewis will play The Death Star in Star Wars: The Rise of Skywalker

“He was the first and only man on my list,” said Abrams: Continue reading “DANIEL DAY-LEWIS PLAYS THE DEATH STAR IN STAR WARS 9”

DANIEL DAY-LEWIS REVEALS THAT HE’S BEEN PLAYING 007 FOR THREE DECADES

LONDON – Oscar winning actor Daniel Day-Lewis today revealed that he’s been playing James Bond 007 for thirty years.

Lincoln, There Will Be Blood and My Left Foot actor, Daniel Day-Lewis today fessed up to another role, secret agent 007, James Bond.

Speaking EXCLUSIVELY to the Studio Exec, Day-Lewis said:

The producers approached me in the late eighties about playing James Bond. I was reluctant at first. Timothy Dalton seemed to have done everything possible with the character. The idea of going head to head with him freaked me out. But they insisted and so I finally said yes. As you know my preparation is extensive. I read all the novels and studied the character very closely. I try to get to the core of every character and often that comes down to a single word. With Lincoln, it was ‘leadership’. Daniel Plainview it’s ‘greed’.  For James Bond it’s ‘secrecy.’

Secrecy?

Shhhhh. Perhaps, I’ve told you too much.

No please. Go on.

It seemed to me that everyone had missed this vital component of Bond’s story. So I began to play him, secretly. Under the radar. No one suspected a thing.

You didn’t let anyone know.

What kind of secret agent would tell everyone he’s a secret agent? And Bond is supposed to be the best of the best. So that’s what I did. I would introduce myself as Day-Lewis, Daniel Day-Lewis, because I decided that was the cover name that Bond would use.

And now that Daniel Craig is possibly moving on…?

I’ve already made the film.

You have?

It’s called Too Many Cocks. As in Too Many Cooks Spoil the Broth. But with the word Cocks instead of Cooks. It’s fantastic. It’s got sex, car chases, gun fights. And this amazing battle inside a Volcano at the end.

When will we see it?

Haven’t you been listening? I can’t release it.

Why not?

It would blow my cover. Wait, you’re not recording this are you?

Too Many Cocks will be released in 2019.

WRITER OF TOP MOVIE SATIRE WEBSITE TOO DEPRESSED TO THINK UP A POST ABOUT BULLSHIT

HOLLYWOOD – The election result has depressed leading Hollywood journalist Chad Sternberger that he can’t think of a hilarious post for website The Studio Exec.

Donald Trump has been elected President and there ain’t nothing we can do about that shit. Forget any hope of the electoral college revolting or demonstrations in the street, or an impeachable crime being proved in the next 48 hours. January 20th Donald Trump will be inaugurated as the 45th President of the United States of America. Consequences with NATO, China, Russia, the environment, racial minorities, women, the LGBTQ community and the healthcare system are all important but even more so has been the disruption the tycoon’s election has also caused right here, at the Studio Exec bungalow. Chad Sternberger is usually a prodigious writer, spinning yarns from within the Hollywood miasma, reporting the latest buzz on the sly and coming up with hilarious quips, but it’s been two days we’ve not heard from him. He left his wordpress page open and so I dragged myself in to write a post under his byline.

I did manage to talk to him on the phone and he had this to say EXCLUSIVELY:

What’s the fucking point? Who gives a shit about Peter Jackson remaking Schindler’s List with orcs instead of Nazis? Who cares that Gary Oldman is playing Winston Churchill’s upper half while Daniel Day-Lewis is playing him from the waist down? It all seems so fricking meaningless now. Did you see who he’s appointing to the EPA? You know that the planet is basically Game Over? Right?

We tried to persuade Chad to come in but it looks like he needs some encouragement. After all, in these dark times we need movie-based satire more than ever before. Think how movie satire in Berlin in 1937 stopped the Nazis in their tracks. Not for long granted, but we didn’t have memes then so we could only do so much. Think of how movie based satire dismantled Apartheid and the Berlin Wall. How it put a man on the moon. Please share this post so we can show the numbers to Chad and make him realize that if he doesn’t come in soon I Toby Hillerton, the intern, will soon have his job!

All Hail Plankton!

DANIEL DAY-LEWIS: ‘I REGRET BULLYING GANDHI’

HOLLYWOOD – Lincoln and There Will Be Blood actor Daniel Day-Lewis has spoken for the first time about his regret at bullying Mahatma Gandhi.

Oscar winning actor Daniel Day-Lewis today spoke of his profound regret at having bullied Indian national independence leader and renowned pacifist Mahatma Gandhi:

I was a very young man at the time. We were living in South Africa and Gandhi was living there as well. One day I saw him walking down the street and I was with some friends and I thought it would be an idea to have some fun with him so I blocked his way. Of course, this was South Africa and we were all a bunch of terrible racists at the time. Also Gandhi was not actually famous at the time. He was a young lawyer working on the rights for the coloureds in South Africa. But none of that is important and I’m deeply ashamed of my behavior looking back now. It makes me feel even worse that Gandhi got shot before I could express my remorse to him personally.

Gandhi and Daniel Day-Lewis both won Oscars.

THE UNBEARABLE LIGHTNESS OF BEING AND ZOMBIES

HOLLYWOOD – Universal announce The Unbearable Lightness of Being and Zombies to start filming in the Fall.

Milan Kubdera’s 1984 novel set in Prague in 1968 is the latest property to get a zombie based reboot in The Unbearable Lightness of Being and Zombies. The novel was filmed in 1988 in an acclaimed version starring Juliette Binoche, Lena Olin and Daniel Day Lewis. All three are expected to return to the new movie to play cameos. Daniel Day Lewis telephoned the Studio Exec bungalow last night with the news:

The new film is going to be a lot of fun and we’re going to play zombie versions of our characters who attack the new generation of intellectuals and lovers. We’re only in it briefly.

The official synopsis reads:

Beloved classic of modern literature – The Unbearable Lightness of Being – gets an original new spin when a malfunctioning military satellite sprays the atmosphere with an unknown form of radiation that causes the dead to rise and attack intellectuals in 1960s Prague. Unfaithful surgeon Tomas and his photographer wife Tereza must unite with Tomas’ lover Sabina in order to fight of the hordes of reanimated corpses that infest Prague as the government uses the undead infestation as an excuse to crack down on dissidents.

The Unbearable Lightness of Being and Zombies will be released in 2017.

 

PAUL THOMAS ANDERSON AND DANIEL DAY LEWIS TO REMAKE NINE

HOLLYWOOD – There Will Be Blood team Paul Thomas Anderson and Daniel Day Lewis are to reunite in order to remake Rob Marshall’s 2009 musical.

The Oscar winning team that brought you one of the finest films of the millennium There Will Be Blood are once more together. Paul Thomas Anderson (often known as PT Anderson) and Daniel Day Lewis (never known as DD Lewis) are once more to make a film together.

We spoke to DD Lewis EXCLUSIVELY:

As you know Exec, it takes me a long time to choose a project and often what attracts me to the work is a combination of the material and the character and the people involved. I want to work with Spielberg and Scorsese, and PT Anderson as well fits into that.

Paul Thomas Anderson described the process of the collaboration:

We’ve been looking to make something else for a good long while after we finished There Will Be Blood, but Daniel was very clear that he had a legacy to protect. The one brown smear on what otherwise is a pretty impeccable filmography was the musical Nine which he made with Ron Marshall.

Lewis continues:

Nine was supposed to show a certain range. I wanted to be surrounded by beauty, beautiful women, style and locations. But in the end the film was a mess and the music wasn’t particularly good. It stands out like a sore thumb. So when I talked to PT about what I really wanted to do, I said I wanted to go back and do the film again but better. Get it right this time.

Paul Thomas Anderson:

I totally saw this as a challenge. Watching the film, it’s just so difficult to see how it can be rescued. It’s so superficial and glossy, but in a sense I’ve always been interested in getting under that surface and seeing how it works. I’m rewriting the script, we’re having new songs by Radiohead and Daniel is going to take on his character from a slightly new angle.

And the new angle? Daniel Day Lewis smiles:

A serial killer.

Nine: 2.0 will be released in 2018.