REVIEW: NO TIME TO DIE

REVIEW – With the long anticipated domestic release of No Time To Die, we tell you if you should like it or not. Read our review now to decide how you feel about No Time To Die. Tell your family, tell your friends they have to read this. They are incapable of independent thought.

No Time To Die

Clocking in at a bum-numbing 4 hours and 52 minutes, No Time To Die is the longest film in the James Bond franchise. But it’s still way shorter than Marvel’s Endgame and that made a shit load of money, so swings and roundabouts.

No Time To Eye-Eye

The starting sequence is a thrill ride of action packed references to previous Bond films. There’s a motorized Gondola chase, a racist red-neck Sheriff and a Zombie Judi Dench turns up to bend Pierce Brosnan over a desk to fist him as he squeals his way through The Winner Takes It All by ABBA.

No Time To I-Spy

The titles aint what they used to be. Long-gone are the days of naked women covered in fluorescent paint. And Duran-Duran warbling over the top, like adolescent Republicans at a Karaoke bar. These titles take themselves seriously, as does the theme song. Can anyone remember what the theme song sounds like? I can’t, and I’ve just watched the film. There are lots of musical references to previous Bond films. Alice Cooper’s Man With The Golden Gun theme is in there, as is Radiohead’s Skyfall theme. There’s also a reworking of the James Bond theme, played on guitar by Jimmy Page which lasts even longer than the film.

Dr No Character Development

The villain does a wonderful version of Crazy Little Thing Called Love from his glamorous evil hideout and Daniel Craig looks like a baked potato in a tuxedo. He’s ugly, but you’d still smother him in sour cream and push him into your face. But who cares about all of this because it’s Bond. So if you like Bond, you’ll go see it and if you don’t like Bond, you won’t go and see it. Either way it doesn’t matter. There’s far too much money to be made out of these things regardless of what we say or do.

No Time To Die Is Showing Somewhere Within 20 Yards Of You

BLONDER BOND WEBSITE LAUNCHES

BREAKING NEWS – In a shock turnaround, internet fandom has done a complete 180 degree swivel as the Blonder Bond website launches. Bond fans around the world have flocked to the site as the Blonder Bond website launches its campaign for an even blonder James Bond after Daniel Craig hangs up the tuxedo. The Exec spoke exclusively with the website’s owners, who wish to remain anonymous.


Guys, thanks for joining us for this anonymous interview.

Guys? That’s a bit assumptive. We could be women or non-binary. You don’t know.

You’ve launched a website demanding who they cast as Bond in the next film. You’re 100% male.

Yeah, ok. Fair enough.

So, tell us about the website.

We were the ones behind the DanielCraigIsNotBond.com website. The tide seems to have turned against us a little. So we decided to launch another website to make sure the next Bond is even blonder. Really ramp up the blonde.

How Do You Respond To Claims That This Kind Of Fandom Is Toxic?

Who the fuck said that? Gimme their names and their twitter handles. I’ll set up a website and twitter campaign to fuck their shit right up. Bastards. Umm… what I meant to say was, not at all. I just want to engage with my film fan community and express my love for these films.

What Did You Think Of Quantum Of Solace?

If I ever hear anyone say anything good about that film, they’re dead to me. They are obviously wrong about everything they have ever posted about. They know nothing about films. Particularly James Bond films. Hah! I bet they think Roger Moore was too old to play Bond towards the end. Idiots.

What Do You Think About The Release The Snyder Cut Campaign?

Those liberal minded assholes? They were far too willing to bend to the will of the consensus. Dicks.

Who Do You Think Should Play The Next James Bond?

Pierce Brosnan in a blonde wig. Tarantino to direct.

No Time To Die Is Out In The UK At The End Of The Month

RIAN JOHNSON SAYS STAR WARS CAN ‘SUCK MY COCK’

HOLLYWOOD – Rian Johnson tells Star Wars to suck his big fat cock. 

In an exclusive interview with The Exec Rian Johnson says Star Wars can suck it.

With the announcement of his $450m deal with Netflix, The Last Jedi director, Rian Johnson says Star Wars can suck it.

Thank you for coming in to talk with us at The Exec bungalow Rian:

I could buy this shit hole if I wanted to, did you know that?

Well, congratulations are in order on your big Netflix deal:

Fuckin’ A, bubba. You’re darn tootin’ congratulations are in order. 450 fucking million clams man. That’s a whole lotta of green, baby.

We understand this is for two more Knives Out films with Daniel Craig:

Yeah, I guess. But you know what? Craig ain’t that expensive anymore. His Bond film, No Time To blah blah blah hasn’t seen the light of day. That means Knives Out is the last big thing he did. I can pretty much get him for scale at the moment. Bond is my bitch.

We understand you start shooting this summer?

Yep, that’s right. In Greece. Fucking Greece, of all places man. Everything is so cheap over there, we’ll make a killing. I made Knives Out for $45million, which is a snip. If I shoot the next one in Greece, even with distancing, I can knock this one out for $50million, tops. Ker-fucking-ching baby.

With the commitment of this deal, are you still making your Star Wars films?

No way man. They can all go suck on my fat lightsaber if they think I’m going back to that. The amount of shit I got for TLJ? Forget it Luke, it’s Chinatown. They can look up my big fat shiny moon of Endor and see if they can feel the dark side of the force.

Any casting news you can share with for Knives Out 2?

Check this out. I’m getting Mark Hamill to play the fucking killer. That’ll really piss off all those pricks at Disney and the twitter Star Wars stans. Right, that’s your lot, I’m outta here. Now where did I park my gold Lamborghini?

Umm, Rian Johnson, thank you for your time:

Whatever, douche bags. Peace out.

KNIVES OUT 2 STARTS FILMING LATER THIS SUMMER

MGM: NO TIME FOR BOND RUMORS

HOLLYWOOD – MGM deny running out of Bond rumors.

There have been no new stories or rumors about James Bond 007 surfacing on the internet within the last 48 hours. Larry Sezno – Head of Rumor & Denial at the studio, has been forced to release a statement that MGM deny running out of Bond rumors.

 

MGM Deny Bond Rumor – ‘Plenty Left’

“It’s just bullshit,” He told reporters, “We got plenty of rumors left to waft around on the internet for all you baying donkeys out there. We got teams of dedicated gossip mongers working around the clock. These bitter, sweaty little staff writers who couldn’t get a gig on Saturday Night Live will make sure the Twitter machine is fed. It’ll be chock-full of mini interviews of cast members saying absolutely nothing of any interest to anyone. Then, we let the internet do its magic by weaving in a narrative that although is likely and predictable, is never directly mentioned by us. It’s fucking genius. You all spend hour after hour lapping this stuff up, spaffing your meaningless lives away on this shit. Which means I get paid a truck load of money making sure you do.”

Keyser Soze

“And then what? We don’t even release the movie! We just keep pushing the date further and further back until eventually… puff, and like that, it’s gone. But we deny it’s the Keyser Soze of movies, because he doesn’t exist.”

There Is No Spoon

That brings me onto my next point of business. MGM and EON Productions absolutely and 100% vehemently deny the rumors circulating that there is no Bond film to release. We 100% deny that making big budget movies has become too expensive and too risky. There’s no truth that this forced us into just making trailers. We also robustly deny that there never was a No Time To Die. Or that we’re just waiting for Marvel or Star Wars to cast another woman in a lead role. Then, the internet will lose its shit about that and forget all about our non-existent movie. Therefor we totally deny any of that has any kind of basis in truth whatsoever.”

No Time To Die may one day be released, sometime, somewhere. Your guess is as good as ours.

SCRIPT LEAK: DANNY BOYLE’S 007 JAMES BOND

HOLLYWOOD – The script of Danny Boyle’s Bond 25 has leaked onto the internet.

The new James Bond director Danny Boyle is furious that the first draft of the script for the film has leaked onto the internet.

We publish an extract from the first few pages which we obtained from an anonymous source called Ewan McGregor.

EXT. EDINBURGH. DAY.

JAMES BOND runs down the street clutching a six pack of TENNENTS SUPER STRENGTH LAGER.

JAMES BOND (V.O.)

Choose being chased by Helicopters. Choose Walther PPK and a license to kill. Choose Bond girls and Austin Martins. Choose ejector seats and Union Jack parachutes. Choose Grace Jones and Christopher Walken. Choose Q and pens that fire lasers.

EXT. PARK. DAY.

SICK BOY and JAMES BOND have an air rifle and are aiming at random strangers. A skinhead with a bulldog.

SICK BOY 

(SEAN CONNERY accent)

Do you have the beasht in your shights 007?

JAMES BOND

Yesh.

INT. SLUM HOUSE. NIGHT.

James Bond is shooting up heroin. M comes in. 

M

007 what’s the meaning of this? You’re supposed to be on a mission in Brazil.

JAMES BOND

FFfffffffuck offfff.

Bond collapses. 

M

Oh my God, he’s overdosing.

SHIRLEY BASSEY sings ‘Perfect Day’.

 

THE END.

 

For more Script Leaks, Click Here. 

 

NEW KEN LOACH FILM TO STAR DANIEL CRAIG

HOLLYWOOD – Daniel Craig stars in new Ken Loach movie, based on a script written by the James Bond actor.

Ken Loach has signed on to direct a new movie based on the life of James Bond 007 actor Daniel Craig. The Land and Freedom director spoke to the Studio Exec EXCLUSIVELY:

First I was going to retire after I, Daniel Blake, but then Dan came up to me after a screening and it turned out he loved the film and he had a project. He said ‘The film is about someone called Daniel. And I’m called Daniel.’ Then he started laughing for five minutes. He didn’t stop. It got a bit worrying. The next week I got a script through the door. It was anonymous but I suspected it was the work of Daniel Craig.

How come?

Well, the title. I, Daniel Craig. And it’s also about this actor who becomes James Bond and then hates it and has to fight against it. I saw it immediately as a metaphor for Brexit Britain.

What?

A metaphor. Brexit Britain. Craig wants to leave James Bond, but frankly it’s a really bad idea and he’s going to regret it for years and years. He won’t have any money at all. There’s a wonderful scene where he’s forced to go to a food bank while shooting Cowboys and Aliens.

I, Daniel Craig will be released in 2019.

Image courtesy of @ThePixelFactor.

DANIEL CRAIG SAYS NO TO COWBOYS AND ALIENS 2

HOLLYWOOD – Daniel Craig announces that he won’t star in Cowboys and Aliens 2.

It’s official. Cowboys and Aliens 2 – the sequel to the 2011 blockbuster and critical success  Cowboys and Aliens – will not star Daniel Craig. Produce Lou Dobster spoke with Studio Exec:

It’s painful but it seems Daniel has chosen to take another road. We were all excited about the possibility of exploring the Cowboys and Aliens universe and the public were rabid in their demand for a new film. But apparently Daniel has other fish to fry. I’m not sure if there’s another Stieg Larsson book to adapt, or perhaps he wants to be in Steven Soderberg’s new male stripper film. But the result is that he’s not coming back to reprise the role of Jake Lonergan.

You sound upset.

Not for myself but the fans. I know how much they were invested in the film. But it’s wasn’t to be. Now, I’ll have to start making phone calls. The hardest will be Harrison. He’s been phoning me up every single night. When are we going to do it? When? he says. Jon Favreau at least can make Chef 2 or go back to political speech writing, but Harrison … I don’t think he has anything else in his life except Cowboys and Aliens.

Has this got anything to do with Craig’s decision to return as James Bond?

Who’s James Bond?

Cowboys and Aliens 2 will star Hayden Christensen.

TIMOTHY DALTON SIGNS ON FOR OLD BOND

HOLLYWOOD – Timothy Dalton will return as James Bond in a spin off 007 project provisionally titled Old Bond.

Timothy Dalton came into the Studio Exec Bungalow to talk about the new project earlier today.

We watched Logan and we thought this is bloody brilliant. So I phoned Barbara Broccoli and Michael G. Wilson and I said, ‘Listen you Bloody Bastards, I want to play Bond again. But as an old geezer!’ They said no initially. But then I called them bastards and told them bollocks. And after a while they gave in.

So what will the story consist of?

Of course, being older Bond has other concerns than simply saving the world. He has terrible hemorrhoids and he needs to go to the chemist and get some cream. Then there’s his arthritis and the stair lift is cousin sold him is shit. All the policemen are getting younger and there are too many immigrants for his taste. He spends a lot of time watching old World War Two war films and cheering. However, he is dragged out retirement by his dislike of the Daniel Craig Bond films. It’s very meta.

What?

Yeah. And he decides to take over and do the job properly. So he kidnaps Daniel Craig and beats the shit out of him. In my screenplay this goes on for like pages and pages. He calls him a bloody bastard a lot as well.

And then what happens?

Then he beats him up some more. Actually that’s it until the end. It turns into a bit of a Hostel kind of film.

Old Bond will be released in 2019.

DANIEL CRAIG’S LAST BOND FILM GETS TITLE

HOLLYWOOD – Daniel Craig will appear in his last appearance as James Bond, 007 in Never Say Never Again Again.

So Idris Elba, Tom Hardy and Tom Hiddleston will have to cool their heels a little longer. Daniel Craig has confirmed he will be donning the tuxedo one more time. He came to the Studio Exec bungalow to talk about it.

So here we are again. How’s it going?

Fine, Dan, fine. Tell me about the new Bond film.

We have a title. As you know we’ve run out of books, so we’re going back to remake Thunderball again. We’re calling it Never Say Never Again Again, because that sounds like the situation I’m in.

Why do another one? You obviously didn’t enjoy Spectre.

Fair question. Yeah, I was a bit grumpy about Spectre, because it is very physically demanding. Also the film itself turned out to be quite dour. This one we’re going for a whole new effect. I want it to be as funny as the Roger Moore films and as well put together as On Her Majesty’s Secret Service. Sam Mendes doesn’t want to direct anymore, so we’re currently searching for a director. I like Jim Jarmusch, or failing that David Lynch.

That would be a change.

Yeah I know. Ultimately, Bond needs to change if he’s going to survive. Fior instance, I also want the film to recognise that I’m older now. So I’m going to be doing a lot of sitting in comfy chairs and instead of foot chases, we’re going to have a chase on segues.

What about Christopher Nolan as a director?

I don’t know. He feels a bit young and untested.

Never Say Never Again Again will be released in 2020.

DANIEL DAY-LEWIS REVEALS THAT HE’S BEEN PLAYING 007 FOR THREE DECADES

LONDON – Oscar winning actor Daniel Day-Lewis today revealed that he’s been playing James Bond 007 for thirty years.

Lincoln, There Will Be Blood and My Left Foot actor, Daniel Day-Lewis today fessed up to another role, secret agent 007, James Bond.

Speaking EXCLUSIVELY to the Studio Exec, Day-Lewis said:

The producers approached me in the late eighties about playing James Bond. I was reluctant at first. Timothy Dalton seemed to have done everything possible with the character. The idea of going head to head with him freaked me out. But they insisted and so I finally said yes. As you know my preparation is extensive. I read all the novels and studied the character very closely. I try to get to the core of every character and often that comes down to a single word. With Lincoln, it was ‘leadership’. Daniel Plainview it’s ‘greed’.  For James Bond it’s ‘secrecy.’

Secrecy?

Shhhhh. Perhaps, I’ve told you too much.

No please. Go on.

It seemed to me that everyone had missed this vital component of Bond’s story. So I began to play him, secretly. Under the radar. No one suspected a thing.

You didn’t let anyone know.

What kind of secret agent would tell everyone he’s a secret agent? And Bond is supposed to be the best of the best. So that’s what I did. I would introduce myself as Day-Lewis, Daniel Day-Lewis, because I decided that was the cover name that Bond would use.

And now that Daniel Craig is possibly moving on…?

I’ve already made the film.

You have?

It’s called Too Many Cocks. As in Too Many Cooks Spoil the Broth. But with the word Cocks instead of Cooks. It’s fantastic. It’s got sex, car chases, gun fights. And this amazing battle inside a Volcano at the end.

When will we see it?

Haven’t you been listening? I can’t release it.

Why not?

It would blow my cover. Wait, you’re not recording this are you?

Too Many Cocks will be released in 2019.

LESLIE JONES IN THE RUNNING TO PLAY JAMES BOND

HOLLYWOOD – Ghostbusters and SNL star Leslie Jones could be the next 007, James Bond.

The  name’s Jones, Leslie Jones! Yes, comedian and actor Leslie Jones could be the next James Bond. According to sources close to the franchise, producers are looking to update and diversify the British secret agent. Daniel Craig told the Studio Exec EXCLUSIVELY:

I’ve been trying to get out of it for ages, and so I told them, why not ask Leslie Jones. At first they expressed bafflement but I convinced them. She’s funny, she’s tough and she put up with so much bullshit on twitter for Ghostbusters, she’s ready for anything.

However, Jones herself has remained silent about the possibility. Craig, however, sees that as positive.

She’s smart. She won’t tell anyone until it’s announced. The producers know this as well. They get so much free publicity by not saying who the new Bond is, they’ll string it along. I wouldn’t be surprised if no publication except for the Studio Exec prints this story.

Bond 25 will be released in 2018.

JAMES BOND SNIPER SPEAKS OUT

HOLLYWOOD – Talking EXCLUSIVELY for the first time, James Bond sniper Arthur Whistle spills the beans on his job.

Arthur Whistler is in every James Bond movie though you’ve never seen his face. He’s the sniper who has followed the pacing secret agent that began every film except Dr No. This is an extract from his autobiography License to Be Shot.

I began working at Elstree in 1964 just after I got out of the library. I knew Maurice Binder from his brother who was a wall hanger. In those days walls weren’t built from the ground up but were hung on hooks. And he did that. Maurice said to me ‘How do you fancy shooting someone Wednesday?’ I was free so I took the job. It was supposed to be Sean Connery, but he couldn’t be arsed, so tried to shoot the stunt double. I was all set up. Maurice had his camera aligned using mirrors so he could get a view right down the gun barrel. But then at the last minute the blighter swiveled and shot directly at me. I was so surprised I got a nose bleed and the blood ran down the camera lens. Maurice was not a very forgiving man and swore extravagantly at me. Yet when I went to see Dr No, they’d kept the blood in. 

Different Bonds, James Bonds.

We didn’t film a new sequence for every movie. But we did re-do it when there was a new Bond and Sean Connery finally pulled his finger out to do one. Each time Maurice swore that I’d be able to get a shot away and yet each time it was I that got shot. It became a bit of a game. Roger Moore practiced his hip swivel for days. Timothy Dalton came from the theatre so he alway projected! Pierce Brosnan was Irish so he spent half the day facing in the wrong direction. Because he was Irish. That is to say stupid.

Daniel Craig.

Now we have Daniel Craig and he’s very modern and gritty, but he’s also very sweet. When he came in to film his sequence, he brought jam doughnuts for everyone. The crew and everyone. I’m 91 now so I do tend to shake a little and my memory isn’t what it used to be. I told him that I was sorry about making him do it again and again and then someone realized I’d put live rounds in the rifle. I always do, I told them. For realism. Daniel was a bit upset. And I didn’t get a second jam doughnut.

License to Be Shot is released on Amazon and is available in all good book stores.

BEN AFFLECK NAMED NEW JAMES BOND

HOLLYWOOD – Ben Affleck has been named as the new James Bond.

The internet reeled today as Batman star as EON producers announced that Ben Affleck is to be the new James Bond. In a statement, the company said:

Batman’s loss is our gain. We are very happy to announce that Ben Affleck will be replacing Daniel Craig in the next James Bond adventure, provisionally entitled Bond 25.

Daniel Craig told the Studio Exec:

Frankly it’s a relief. I’ve been treading water for at least one film now. So it’s time to give the other chap a go.

Some fans objected to the fact that James Bond will, for the first time, be played by an American actor. Others were just incensed that it was Affleck. Mike Olivetto said:

He ruined Batman and he ruined Jersey Girl and now he’s going to ruin 007.

However, others were willing to give him a chance. ‘We’ve had an Aussie, a Welshman, a Scottish Bond and even a Mick. Why not a yank?’ said Archie Bigert.

Ben Affleck himself was unavailable for comment.

Bond 25 will be released in 2018.

 

ROGER MOORE WILL NOT RETURN AS JAMES BOND

LONDON – Roger Moore has definitively ruled out the possibility of his return as James Bond, when Daniel Craig finishes his current contract which will see him star in another two outings as 007.

‘I’m already too old,’ Sir Roger Moore quipped. ‘And in another three of four years time, I’ll be 87-88. Perhaps I could play his grandfather. Ha ha.’

I had no sooner started scribbling ‘Roger Moore confirmed as 007’s grandfather in new Bond film’ when Sir Roger’s hand gripped my wrist in a steely grip.

‘I was joking,’ hissed the no-longer twinkly septuagenarian. 

Although to be totally honest I have considered returning from time to time. I see what Daniel is doing, the running and the jumping, the having sex in the shower with women who have been abused since childhood, and I think, “I’d like a bit of that”, but then I notice he doesn’t ever seem to have time for a cigarette and when it comes down to it there’s not that much shagging.

So that’s a definite maybe?

No. Absolutely not.  

And what if Sean Connery…?

Then yes.

Moonraker 2 will be released in 2017.