LONDON – Queen Elizabeth II of the United Kingdom is to make her acting début starring as actress Helen Mirren in a new biopic of the actress’s life called Mirren.

Buckingham Palace released a press release earlier today that included a personal statement from the Queen herself. 

One reaches a moment in one’s live when one realizes that some things have passed one by and through no one’s fault but one’s own, one has got into something of a rut. Last summer one had the opportunity to appear in a short film directed by Mr. Danny Boyle and co-starring the scrumptious Daniel Craig as part of the Olympics opening ceremony. One was pleased to do one’s bit but then one realized that one had been bitten by the acting bug and so when Mr. Stephen Frears telephoned and asked one if one would appear as Dame Helen Mirren one leapt at the chance. Dame Helen has played one both on-stage and screen, most successfully in a film called The Queen. So it feels fitting that one’s début should be to return the favor.     

Dame Helen Mirren was unavailable for comment but friends close to the actress says that she was highly annoyed by the development, believing it to be disrespectful to her high status to be portrayed in a film.

Mirren will be released in 2016.  


CANTERBURY – Our latest addition to the team is the newly appointed Archbishop of Canterbury Justin Welby. Not only does the Archbishop enjoy praying, reading the bible and polishing candlesticks. He also has an unquenchable zeal for cinematic sex scenes. 

Over the next month or so he will be pontificating from his pulpit about all manner of film related filth beginning with Adrian Lyne’s erotic classic 9 ½ Weeks:

Greetings Film Lovers

Let’s be honest, who didn’t have several exceptional wanks over Kim Basinger in the 1980s? 

I might be a man of the cloth now but back then that cloth was sodden with the fruit of my lust and Basinger was the greengrocer. I wore out at least six copies of 9 ½ Weeks on VHS and three remote controls and yet to this day I have never seen the entire film from beginning to end.

People always talk about the fridge scene where whispering Mickey Rourke ice cubes Kim’s nipples and dangles his cherries in her mouth, but that kind of food play doesn’t float my Ark . It’s the alleyway. The raw, passionate sex in the rain that really stiffens my St Christopher. Kim’s bountiful breasts spilling out of her dirty vest top as she grinds her dripping gusset into Mickey’s munching mouth. The way I see it if God hadn’t wanted me to pleasure myself repeatedly over those images, he wouldn’t have invented the slow motion button which we all know has no other fathomable use aside from prolonging sex scenes!

Anyway chaps, I’ve got a religion to run and I’m off for a fish supper with the Queen. Next time around I’ll be discussing Peter Greenaway’s The Cook, The Thief, His Wife,and her Lover, starring the delicious Helen Mirren. She might be an old bird these days but I’d be all over her like locusts on Egypt.