DALE COOPER TO HEAD FBI

HOLLYWOOD – Dale Cooper is the new head of the FBI, replacing James Comey.

The announcement came from the White House in the early hours of this morning. Special Agent Dale Cooper is to take over the position of Director of the FBI following the controversial sacking of former director, James Comey. Sean Spicer told waiting reporters from behind a vase in the Rose Garden.

President Trump has today announced that Dale Cooper is to take over the running of the FBI. Agent Cooper is an excellent agent, honorable and upstanding with many years of experience. You might remember the Laura Palmer case. What many people don’t know is that Agent Cooper also loves ‘damned fine coffee’. That’s a quote.

How did the President come to this decision? Was it a recommendation?

No. President Trump is a leader, strong and decisive. He was watching television late last night and a trailer for Twin Peaks came on. I’m not sure what it was about it, but he scribbled a name in crayon on the pad he keeps and sent me out to make this statement.

But Dale Cooper is a fictional character?

Yes. And?

Well, how can a fictional character run an enormous law enforcement agency with thousands of employees?

Exactly the way our President does. With strong and decisive leadership.

Will he continue the investigation into the Russian hacking of the election?

Did I mention he likes ‘damned fine coffee’. Oh, and he’s also a fan of pie.

Russia?

To be honest, Director Cooper seems to be more interested in catching real criminals. We’ve already put out a warrant for someone called ‘Bob.’

Dale Cooper will be installed later this week.

 

KYLE MACLACHLAN STILL UNDECIDED ON TWIN PEAKS

HOLLYWOOD – Actor Kyle MacLachlan – made famous by his portrayal of Agent Dale Cooper in Twin Peaks – is still undecided on whether or not he will return to the show.

‘The  thing is I’m just not sure I can fit it in,’ the Blue Velvet actor told Studio Exec this morning.

I have Paul Verhoeven phoning every day asking me if I’ll reprise my role as Zack Carey in Showgirls 2. Oliver Stone has been harassing me to play Ray Manzarek in his follow up to The Doors, After Jim. And the Flintstones franchise looks like it’s still going  to happen and I’d love to play Clifford Vandercave once more. It’s a role that I didn’t really perfect and the opportunity to take another swing at it would be great.

But surely the opportunity to work once more with David Lynch…

Who?

David Lynch.

Oh yes. David and I worked together a few times in the past. Dune was my first break and Blue Velvet was a lot of fun. I’m never sure why we didn’t do a sequel to that. Or The Hidden. That was nasty in a good way.

But I think all your fans really want to see you as Dale Cooper?

Who?

Dale Cooper. They want you to say Damned Fine Coffee. And wax poetic about the pie. 

Really? They don’t want Clifford Vandercave or Zack Carey?

Well, now you mention it. It would be cool to see Zack Carey again.

You see? It’s a toughie!

Showgirls 2 will be released in 2016.

TWIN PEAKS NEW GENERATION ‘WILL APPEAL TO YOUTH’

HOLLYWOOD – Mark Frost and David Lynch’s cult TV show Twin Peaks is to return to television courtesy of Showtime and a re-imagining which will continue the story through the new younger generation.

David Lynch and co-creator Frost had already taken to Twitter to hint at a renewal of the show which ran for thirty episodes and a spin off movie, Fire Walk With Me, but the Dune director wanted to speak at length and EXCLUSIVELY to the Studio Exec:

I’ve been really into my Transcendental Meditation for ages now. And it has been satisfying, you sit there and become one with the universe more or less, but the downside of it is a. cramps and b. it gets really, really boring. So when Mark called me up and said he had some ideas for a new Twin Peaks I said, ‘let’s do this’.

What will the new show be like?

It’ll be the young kids. I don’t see how anyone can even remember who Kyle MacLachlan is anymore, so I want to go with Dale Cooper’s son, Rodney Cooper, played by Zac Efron. Rodney is called to the town when his dad goes missing and it turns out that the Son of Bob (Freddie Highmore), a mysterious serial killer might be responsible. Of course, the girl with the twig (Selena Gomez) roams the town weirdly as does Donna Hayward’s daughter Marcy (Ariana Grande). There’s going to be a lot more music in this version. I’ve been watching a lot of Glee and I think that will add something to the show, though Mark is a bit resistant.

Will this change of direction effect other aspects of the show?

Yes. Instead of Damn Fine Coffee, Rodney Cooper will say things like hashtag DFC.

Twin Peaks: The New Generation will be broadcast early in the Spring, 2015.