CHAOS WALKING SEQUEL ‘UNLIKELY’

HOLLYWOOD – The producers of the Tom Holland and Daisy Ridley sci-fi slump have confirmed the once planned Chaos Walking sequel ‘unlikely’. Which, in producer talk means it was a complete and utter flop and there’s no way in hell they’ll be spaffing any more money on that franchise. The Exec sat down to talk to producer Mark Pryke and ask why is a Chaos Walking sequel ‘unlikely’.

A Chaos Walking sequel ‘unlikely’? That means it was huge flop, doesn’t it?

*What do you mean by that? What an asshole. Just because I got an Associate Producer credit on that piece of shit, I have to talk to these idiots.*

What Did You Say?

Oh, that wasn’t me talking. That was my aura. Sorry about that. It tends to do that and I have virtually no control over it. *And now I have to suck up to him and apologize. Dick.*

Ok, I’ll Try And Ignore It, As Most People Ignored Chaos Walking, Ha-Ha!

*Smart ass.* Yes, very funny, ha-ha. I think the main problem was that we didn’t develop the script enough prior to shooting. We didn’t fully take advantage of the conceit of the auras. *And we had Tom Holland and Daisey Ridley in starring roles. If they aren’t in a Spiderman costume or hurling a lightsaber around, nobody seems to give a shit.*

Isn’t It A Bit Harsh To Lay The Blame On The Actors?

God damn this fucking aura. *Heheheheh.* I guess you have a point, I wish we could guarantee what will be a hit and what will be a flop, but that’s impossible. *Name a film that either of them has starred in away from their franchises that was successful. I’ll wait.* Oh, so my aura is going to do shitty meta-tweet gags now? *Tom Holland, Daisy Ridley or a successful movie… you can only pick one.* Fuck you, aura. *No, fuck you, Pryke!*

You Know What, I Can See Why The Film Flopped. This Aura Thing Is Really Annoying.

Fuck you Exec. Fuck you.

Was That Your Aura Saying That?

Nope. *Heheheheheh. Aura high five.*

Chaos Walking Is On Prime Video… If Anyone Cares.

STAR WARS EPISODE 9: THE LAST JEDI – SPOILER REVIEW

HOLLYWOOD – Star Wars Episode 8 The Last Jedi hits screens worldwide this week.

Rian Johnson’s Star Wars Episode 8: The Last Jedi arrives in cinemas but does it blow up the Death Star or just explode on the surface. Here are FIVE takeaways, but be warned these are SPOILERS.

1 The first hour is a real drag. Star Wars was originally inspired by the Flash Gordon Saturday morning serials and here the Star Wars franchise has become like that. Familiar characters go off and do different things. But none of this quite amounts to the status of story. Time and space are manipulated in an offhand way. Travelling across the galaxy with a deadline counted in hours feels wrong. It minimizes the scale we’ve come to expect. And some of the stories feel like TV episode filler. Especially with Finn (John Boyega) and Rose (Kelly Marie Tran) Go to the thing and get the thing that’ll do the other thing while jeopardy happens that’ll take x hours. As much as Force Awakens lacked originality, it was exhilarating. This felt middle-act-humdrum.

2  In a telling scene, Luke Skywalker (Mark Hamill) tosses the light saber over his shoulder, mirroring the film’s own dismissive attitude to many elements set up by JJ Abrams’ first instalment. Luke for one was this big reveal in the first of the new films. Here, he spends a long part of the movie refusing ‘the call to adventure’, but it never calls again. Rey (Daisy Ridley) and Luke’s relationship doesn’t deepen. The offing of Snoke was a great scene, but again had a Game of Thrones abruptness. It seemed more intent on wrong-footing the audience than anything else.

3  Leia (Carrie Fisher) flying. I get that Leia is essentially a Jedi, strong in the force. But the moment she flew her character – and perhaps the series – hid in the fridge. I feel toward Star Wars now how I felt toward the Harry Potter films. I’ll go and see them and enjoy them. But I’m not invested. All the characters have ‘moments’, but I’ve lost sight of any real arc.

4 The humor. Force Awakens was funny – in a smart TV show way. The Last Jedi is more funny in a Jar Jar way. Cute/disgusting aliens, some comedy gurning – Finn has become a particular adherent, but Domhnall Gleeson and Oscar Isaac run him a joint second. And then the overplayed winking actually detracts from the movie. When Luke flicks dirt from his robe emerging from the lethal bombardment, I felt that was Mark Hamill doing that; not Luke. I could hear the conversation: ‘Hey what if I wink at C3PO?’ Luke’s character was always the most sincere, the most driven. When did he become this jokey semi-serious granddad?

5 Luke’s death. This was the most baffling moment of the film. Why make the twist that Luke is not actually there – using his force to project himself into the minds of the others – to then make the consequences exactly the same as him being there. I loved the moment that he revealed himself to Adam Driver’s Kylo Ren. It was epic. My highlight of the movie. It seemed to go in a really different direction. No, we’re not going to have the obligatory death.

5 b. Not every film has to have the same emotional beat – and this goes with the action too. We don’t always have to have the clock ticking while two sets of characters have to accomplish two different tasks. The algebra is becoming nakedly predictable. This is movie magic by algorithm.

To be clear, I quite enjoyed the film. Especially the last hour. But Star Wars ought to be great and for me this felt like the beginning of the end of my fascination with the series.

5 FACTS WE LEARNED FROM THE LAST JEDI TRAILER

HOLLYWOOD – Star Wars The Last Jedi released a new trailer yesterday.

And now Star Wars The Last Jedi trailer must be analyzed. The film stars Daisy Ridley, John Boyega, Oscar Isaac and Mark Hamill. Directed by Rian Johnson, it is the eighth episode in the Star Wars saga.

We sent the FACT squad into the heart of the First Order to find out what Luke Skywalker was up to.

1 Still no sign of Captain Kirk. This will be Episode 8 of the saga and yet the Captain of the Starship Enterprise has yet to make an appearance. Many fans expressed their outrage and remarked that the absence of Hobbits was also ‘a disturbance in the Force’.

2 However, we do have the sighting of a Tribble. So most Trekkies will be happy with that.

3 They’ve gone to a planet with a color scheme similar to the poster which is convenient.

4 The First Order – like the Galactic Empire – still seem to believe in having walking vehicles rather than, you know, use wheels.

5 Gandalf has a metal hand.

For more FACTS click here.  

THE LAST JEDI: STAR WARS 8 GETS TITLE AND POSTER

HOLLYWOOD – Star Wars Episode 8 has a title and poster: The Last Jedi.

Disney and Lucas Film revealed the title for the new Star Wars film: The Last Jedi. Rian Johnson directs and Mark Hamill stars as Luke Skywalker. He’ll join the young generation of new heroes played by Daisy Ridley and John Boyega. The studio issued a note with the poster that read:

For Star Wars: The Last Jedi we are taking out inspiration from a classic film by Michael Mann. Star Wars has always taken audiences to different worlds. The ice world of Hoth, the desert world of Tatooine, another ice world and another desert world, the names escape me. Anyway the point is we’re running out of climate zones to take the adventures. So we figured when Star Trek was running out of ideas, they’d visit planet Bonanza and all dress as cowboys. Or planet World War Two… you get the picture. Hence The Last of the Jedi.

Star Wars: The Last Jedi will be released December 15, 2017.

Image courtesy of @ThePixelFactor.

CHRIS PRATT TO PLAY THE NEW LARA CROFT

HOLLYWOOD – Popular video game heroine from the 1990s Lara Croft originally played by Angelina Jolie is to be revived in a new film of Tomb Raider starring Chris Pratt as the pneumatic adventurer.

Chris Pratt has confirmed that he will be playing Lara Croft in a new film starring the Tomb Raider.

Chris Pratt spoke EXCLUSIVELY to the Studio Exec about the new film:

Initially, Alicia Vikander was tapped to play the role but following the success of the casting of Tilda Swinton as the Ancient One and the girl power Ghostbusters, the filmmakers thought they would go with a revolutionary new choice. Me! I was great in Jurassic World and fantastic in Guardians of the Galaxy and so Lara Croft was like a slam dunk with my affable way.

Director Roar Uthaug told the Studio Exec, ‘We’re really pleased to have Chris. Originally, we were thinking of Daisy Ridley and Alicia Vikander. They’re great, they’re women, and the British accent wouldn’t be a problem, but Chris took a piece of shit like Jurassic World and made that baby fly.’

Lara Croft will be released in 2018.

Image courtesy of @ThePixelFactor.

 

REY ACTION FIGURE INCLUDED IN GHOSTBUSTERS MONOPOLY

HOLLYWOOD – Following the controversy surrounding the Star Wars Monopoly game which excluded the figure of Rey (Daisy Ridley), Hasbro has announced that she will appear in the Ghostbusters Monopoly game to be released in June, 2016.

The controversy was sparked when players noticed that Hasbro’s Star wars themed Monopoly game featured Darth Vader, Kylo Ren, Finn and Luke Skywalker, but failed to include arguably the protagonist of The Star Wars: The Force Awakens: Rey played by British actor Daisy Ridley. Letters were written and a campaign launched via Twitter and other social media sites featuring the hashtag #WheresRey. Even JJ Abrams was caught up in the furor, punching a journalist who asked him the question and having to spend the night in a jail cell in New Mexico.  However, today Hasbro released a statement promising that the figure of Rey would feature in the new Ghostbusters Monopoly game.

Here is the statement in full:

Hasbro has a long reputation of making stuff and selling it to people and so we are very careful and sensitive to issues of what people who we sell stuff to think and feel and stuff. Apparently some of these people are girls and/or women and they got upset because of something we did or didn’t do, we weren’t really listening, but we get it you’re upset. So, if you really think it’s that big a deal what we’re going to do is release the Rey action figure as a counter on the All New Ghostbusters Monopoly Game. This way all the girls can be together, is our thinking. It’s okay. Don’t mention it.

The Ghostbusters Monopoly Game will be released in July of this year.

PEOPLE FORGET TO TELL SPOILER PHOBIC STAR WARS FAN FORCE AWAKENS IS OUT

NEW YORK – An obsessive spoiler phobic Star Wars fan has been told that he can come down and watch the film now, three weeks after the films release.

Obsessive Star Wars fan Colin Hardwright was so worried about hearing spoilers, or having The Force Awakens spoiled via teaser trailers, posters or story leaks that he built himself a fifty foot high pedestal in Manhattan, New York and scaled it on February 16th, 2015.

Colin’s wife Phyllis Hardwick explained Colin’s thinking to the Studio Exec:

Colin is a die-hard Star Wars fan and has been super excited about the new film ever since it was announced. He managed to avoid the first trailer but he knew that there would be more promotional material and he also knew that people might tell him something, even innocently, about I don’t know, the casting or something. So he had been reading about early Christian mystics and he got this idea of going up a pedestal until it was all over.

So then why didn’t he come down for three weeks after the film’s release?

The only problem was we were all so used to him being up there and we were excited by the film and then I wanted to see it again with my new husband. Then there was Christmas and the whole thing in the holidays. You know how during the festive season you forget what day it is, and you’re like, is it Thursday? and I sort of did that but with Colin. I mean, I’ve got a horrible feeling I might have inadvertently committed bigamy.

So what was Colin’s reaction when he finally saw the film?

We didn’t realize it, but he was quite weak. I mean his muscles had atrophied from always being in the same position. So after he descended from the pillar we were getting him to the other side of the road, but he was quite slow and he got hit by a bus.

Oh my God. Is he okay?

He’s kind of dead.

But at least he saw the film, right?

No he died instantly. I mean bang! Weren’t you listening?

Star Wars The Force Awakens is in theaters.

 

NEW FORCE AWAKENS TRAILER IS 90 MINUTES LONG

HOLLYWOOD – The new international trailer for Star Wars: The Force Awakens is over ninety minutes long and features tons of new footage.

The new international trailer for Star Wars: The Force Awakens dropped on the internet today via Japan. It is ninety minutes long and features entire scenes and much of the story. So far was have had character poster (CLICK HERE) and a shorter trailer from which we already learned 117 things (CLICK HERE).

The new trailer features Harrison Ford, Carrie Fisher, Daisy Ridley, and John Boyega, but still no Mark Hamill and no Hayden Christensen as yet. J.J. Abrams spoke EXCLUSIVELY to the Studio Exec about the new international trailer:

We began with teasers and just glimpses and everyone got really excited so then we decided to give you basically two thirds of the film. With mainly got music on it and a few other things, but this way there’s only going to be about half an hour of stuff you haven’t seen. It’s going to be marvelous.

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=GBT4QxC6eJs

 

For more Star Wars CLICK HERE.

 

NEW FORCE AWAKENS CHARACTER POSTER REVEALS SURPRISE

HOLLYWOOD – Star Wars: The Force Awakens character posters have been released and reveal a surprising inclusion alongside Princess Leia, Han Solo, Rey, Kylo Ren and Finn.

There is no Luke Skywalker, but the Star Wars: The Force Awakens character posters did reveal one surprise inclusion: Anakin Skywalker, played by Hayden Christensen. It seems unlikely that Anakin will appear in the main action in the film but his appearance has led many commentators and bloggers to include that there might well be a substantial flashback section of the film, relating to the early and much loved prequels. Christensen’s inclusion in the cast had already been revealed by the Studio Exec when we published Exclusive images: click HERE. He will join Harrison Ford, Carrie Fisher, Daisy Ridley, and John Boyega as well as Mark Hamill, presumably. But not Alec Guinness as we learned here

Xavier Poulis, owner and commentator of ManyBothansDied.Net, writes:

Hayden Christensen’s inclusion does seem to screw with the timeline and one can only assume that J.J. Abrams is returning to the prequels to try and rectify some plot points. What will be interesting is how this works out with the other stories that we know are taking place and what this back story will mean to the actual action of the film. I think I am not alone in saying that all fans will be pleased to have Hayden Christensen back in any shape or form. He is a class act. I do worry about the story of his inclusion in Rogue One though.

However, some have claimed that the delay in the release of the Hayden Christensen and the slightly different aesthetic might indicate that it is in fact a fake. Perhaps placed by Christensen himself who is still waiting for production to begin on Jumper 2.  This theory was put to rest by an email received last night from J.J. Abrams which said:

Hey, Studio Exec!

Hayden Christensen is definitely in the movie. He has a small but really important part and he is an excellent actor. I think Jumper 2 is going to blow us all away.

Best Wishes

Hay  J.J. Abrams.

Image courtesy of @ThePixelFactor.

For more Star Wars CLICK HERE.