TREVOR NOAH: ‘JON STEWART WAS SH*T’

NEW YORK – Replacing Jon Stewart as the host of The Daily Show was always going to be difficult bu Trevor Noah got off to a confident start, stating boldly ‘Jon Stewart was sh*t’ before tearing off his shirt and trousers and running around the studio practically naked.

Following an audible gasp from the audience, Trevor Noah went on to say in his first opening monologue as host:

Jon Stewart was yesterday’s man. He was rubbish. I’ve seen funnier dentists. Everything he said was wrong and dull, filled with mediocre analysis and second hand Groucho Marx schtick. [High-pitched mimicky voice] ‘I’m Jon Stewart, I’m Jon Stewart’. And now I have to sit in his chair and I have to tell you, it’s sticky. I, Trevor Noah, am much better. I’m the best. You won’t find anyone funnier than me. And I know my politics. What about that Pope? Huh!

At which point the South African host stripped off and went for a run around the studio audience. Things only got worse when the time came to interview his guest Kevin Hart. Noah set about the interview in what many considered an overly aggressive choke hold, before forcing Hart to sing an improvised song of praise to Noah himself to the theme music from Hart to Hart. Variety claimed that the debut was ‘eccentric but promising’, whereas Deadline said that the sight of the naked South African comedian throttling his guests was ‘refreshing’.

Trevor Noah will continue his Daily Show tenure.

J.J. ABRAMS DECAPITATED MAKING FORCE AWAKENS

HOLLYWOOD – During an in-depth interview with Jon Stewart on the Daily Show, J.J. Abrams revealed that he was decapitated during the shooting of Star Wars: The Force Awakens.

The making of Star Wars: The Force Awakens was not easy. Secrecy surrounded the set, Harrison Ford broke his left leg and now we know that director J.J. Abrams had his head severed from his body during a bizarre on set accident. In a ten minute interview with Daily Show host Jon Stewart, the ardent Star Wars fan asked Abrams about the shoot and got this surprising answer:

When Harrison was hurt, a piece of the set had fallen on his I was the nearest to him so I leaped forward to rescue him, or see how he was, because it looked bad when it happened, I can tell you. I didn’t see Adam Driver was playing with his light sabre and he was still in character. As I ran forward, he swept an arc with the laser sword and unfortunately I ran straight into it and it took my head from my shoulders in one fell swoop.

A shocked Stewart asks how he could have survived.

As you know, we were shooting in Britain and I have to say socialized medicine is the best. One of our grips stuck some gaffer tape on and we rode to the hospital with my hand on the top my head trying to keep it balanced, though those roads in England … bumpy. But I have to say the NHS doctors and nurses are wow. And they’re British so they’re all Monty Python on my ass. ‘T’is but a scratch.’ They sewed it back on in no time, used a bit of glue and I had these staples. No football for two weeks and I was as good as new.

Star Wars: The Force will be released in December.

ANDREW DICE CLAY TO TAKE OVER THE DAILY SHOW

HOLLYWOOD – Following Jon Stewart’s departure and the controversy surrounding Trevor Noah, Comedy Central has decided that Andrew Dice Clay will be taking over the job of hosting The Daily Show.

Andrew Dice Clay was named as Jon Stewart’s replacement on The Daily Show by a spokesperson for Comedy Central:

Andrew Dice Clay is a safe pair of hands, a veteran comic who we fill will take The Daily Show which Jon Stewart has revolutionized and take it on to ever greater heights. The Diceman also appeals to an older demographic and so perhaps we can win over a new audience to the show.

What about Trevor Noah?

Trevor Noah is a wonderful comedian and will stay on the show, but in what capacity we’re not yet fully decided.

Did this have anything to do with the twitter controversy?

Absolutely. Not. No. Actually, maybe yes. In a strange way perhaps yes. You see when we read Trevor’s jokes about Jews and women, a light went on and we thought ‘huh!? what if we took the show in that direction?’ Of course, if we’re going to do salty humor and racial stereotyping then there’s no point going off at it half-cocked and Andrew Dice Clay immediately came into the mix, as the gay chef said to the restaurant critic who had given him a bad review of his cake… wait I’m not a comedian. You should probably leave that out.

The Daily Show returns with Andrew Dice Clay on Friday.