WATCHING MICHAEL BAY FILMS DOES NOT CAUSE CANCER

LONDON – A report in the British Medical journal Lancet has concluded that protracted viewing of Michael Bay movies does not cause cancer, despite fears to the contrary.

The study was prompted by an article printed three years ago in The Daily Mail (the British version of The National Enquirer) that claimed on merely anecdotal evidence that many people who died of cancer had also at some point in their lives watched a Michael Bay movie and calling for a rigorous investigation into whether there might be a link. Or not. 

The study – which was carried out by the University of East Anglia – involved seventy subjects who were given a daily diet of Michael Bay. Dr Hercules What said today:

We started them off with Bad Boys then Armageddon and took it all the way through to Transformers: Dark of the Moon and Transformers: Age of Extinction then loop them back. After two years the number of tumors was in line with another sample which had not been exposed to Mr Bay’s ouvre.

Daily Mail journalist Tinkerton Hart however has questioned the study:

What Dr What fails to mention in his report is that of the seventy people in his study seventeen have committed suicide, eight ran away screaming and the remaining number are riddled with gout, some of them having lapsed into what is rather cruelly referred to as a vegetative state. 

Michael Bay himself was unavailable for comment as he is still being questioned about his recent invasion of Vietnam.

RENEE ZELLWEGGER’S NEW FACE CAUSES MOCK HORROR

HOLLYWOOD – Renee Zellwegger’s new face came as a shock to exactly the same grubby bunch of journalists and money hungry plastic surgeon who pressure women into worshiping at the altars of eternal youth and fascistic body conformity in the first place.

Fox News invited a plastic surgeon Dr. Todd Schliffstein to speculate on what plastic surgery she has had done, if indeed she has had any. Botox he reckoned. Among other things.

CNN headlined an article ‘Is that you Renee Zellwegger?’ and compared it to the great Jennifer Grey nose disaster of 1999.

The British tabloid the Daily Mail employed the Dr. Alex Karidis, another plastic surgeon who hasn’t been employed by Renee Zellwegger but is still happy to make money off of yet more prima facie speculation blandly daubed with modal verbs to avoid legal ramifications.

Oh, dear. The mock horror, the drivel, the pointlessness.

Oh Renee, you had us at misogyny!