SIR EDWIN FLUFFER RECALLS JAMES BOND

HOLLYWOOD- Sir Edwin Fluffer once again delves into his personal memoirs – soon to be published as ‘Not THAT Kind of Fluffer!!!’ – to recall James Bond.

Only the other day I was talking to me dear old friend Olivia DeHavilland, (She’d dialled the wrong number and it took quite some time to convince her I wasn’t her chiropodist) and she asked me that question so many women have asked me before. “Neddy.”, she purred, “You’re a suave, if occasionally violent, alcoholic; why did you never give us your James Bond?”
 

“Maybe 50 years ago,” I laughed, before coughing only the way an elderly man who’s been on 40 a day for as long as he is able to remember can. 

It’s true I was approached about the role many many years ago, but the producers felt that my reputation as a suave if occasionally violent alcoholic wasn’t what they were looking for. I threw my drink in Cubby Broccoli’s face and left the room with as much dignity as a man who’d just wet himself could muster, and thought that was the end of it. Then only last year, my agent gave me the news that darling Sean Connery had been persuaded to come out of retirement and don the tuxedo one last time for Never Ever Say Never Again Ever Again. Would I like to play his arch-nemesis Blofeld? It took me just three weeks to negotiate the contract, and I was on set. The first day’s filming went well even though I hadn’t been able to remember any of the lines, and I retired to my dressing room. It was there I discovered that I’d come out in a terrible rash! I went to my usual doctor, who was as surprised as me to find it wasn’t a recurrence of the old problem. Turns out I was allergic to the cat that had spent the day fast asleep on my lap! 
We managed to renegotiate my shooting schedule while the props team worked on a prosthetic moggie for me to toy with menacingly, but then disaster – Sean found out that he was double booked with a pro-celebrity golf tournament and the project was shelved. There has been some talk recently of reviving it, with Diane Keaton in the main role as she can provide her own tux.
But that’s another story…

SAMUEL BECKETT’S DR NO SCRIPT TO BE PUBLISHED

PARIS – Although he spent ages Waiting for Godot, apparently, Samuel Beckett wasted no time in turning in a script for 007.

When he heard that a film was in the footing, Beckett, a huge fan of the novels, wrote directly to Cubby Broccoli; who he had met at a social engagement hosted by David Niven:

Dear Mr Broccoli, Please find enclosed a speculative screen treatment (a spec if you will). I hope you can use it. Money would be appreciated, not essential. After all, dust will come for us. All. Dust and death. Dusty death. Anyway, Best Regards to the Wife and Kids, Sammy.

The script is based on Dr. No, but does include some fundamental changes. The title for one is Dr. Nothing and there is far less violence than appeared in the final film replaced by staring. A typical scene of dialogue reads so:

Dr Nothing
I have been expecting you Mr Bond.
Bond
(lighting a cigarette)
I’m sorry I kept you waiting.
Dr Nothing
Waiting. Yes. I’ve been waiting.
Bond
(putting out cigarette, then lighting it again)
I won’t talk you know.
Dr Nothing
I don’t expect you to talk Mr Bond. I expect you to die. 
Bond
(lighting the whole packet of cigarettes)
You will also die. I will die. You will die. We are born dying.
Dr Nothing
Yes, Mr Bond. When you put it like that it all seems so pointless.
Cubby Broccoli apparently never read the script and threw it straight in the bin, where it has only just been found. It will be published by Faber and Faber.

ON HER MAJESTY’S SECRET SERVICE BLU-RAY STARS CONNERY

LONDON – To celebrate James Bonds’ birthday celebrations and to coincide with the imminent release of Skyfall, United Artists are re-releasing the 1969 007 On Her Majesty’s Secret Service on blu-ray, but with one major difference: George Lazenby will be replaced by a CGIed Sean Connery.

Peter Hunt’s film has long been considered one of the best Bond films despite the presence of one of the least convincing Bonds. Australian wide boy George Lazenby conned his way into the role by turning up to the audition dressed entirely in broccoli.

‘Cubby was flattered and Harry was hungry,’ says Lazenby, whose name is German for ‘painfully irrelevant’.

Sean Connery – who was in a dispute with the producers and had abandoned the series to play more serious roles like Zardoz – apparently played the whole role for friends and that footage has been digitally altered and then CGIed onto Lazenby’s feckless body.

The New Sean Connery version of On Her Majesty’s Secret Service will be released on blu-ray Tuesday.