TEXAS CHAINSAW MASSACRE: THE FOETUS

HOLLYWOOD – The Latest Texas Chainsaw Massacre film is to go deep into the past. 

Following the success at cinemas this Friday of the new Texas Chainsaw Massacre 3D, Lionsgate have announced a further nineteen films based on the popular abattoir worker/murderer franchise.

‘We think that Leatherface and chums just have so many other stories to tell,’ said Munkus Struttal, Lionsgate CEO. ‘And we’re very eager to cash the cheques and buy the cars and houses that the money those movies earn give us.’

Jon Favreau is directing the first two films in what is already being described as a saga:

We’re going for a Harry Potter style biography of Leatherface from soup to nuts. I’m directing the first two films in the series: Texas Chainsaw Massacre: Foetus and Texas Chainsaw Massacre: Baby. In the first film there’s a fantastic scene, kind of like a Caesarian section, which is ironic because the very first chainsaw was designed for exactly that. Not from the inside out though obviously.

Doesn’t the making of sequels of dodgy genre properties represent a dip in your career?

Are you kidding me? After Cowboys and Aliens I’m just glad anybody will hire me. 

 Texas Chainsaw Massacre: Foetus will be released in 2019.

DANIEL CRAIG SAYS NO TO COWBOYS AND ALIENS 2

HOLLYWOOD – Daniel Craig announces that he won’t star in Cowboys and Aliens 2.

It’s official. Cowboys and Aliens 2 – the sequel to the 2011 blockbuster and critical success  Cowboys and Aliens – will not star Daniel Craig. Produce Lou Dobster spoke with Studio Exec:

It’s painful but it seems Daniel has chosen to take another road. We were all excited about the possibility of exploring the Cowboys and Aliens universe and the public were rabid in their demand for a new film. But apparently Daniel has other fish to fry. I’m not sure if there’s another Stieg Larsson book to adapt, or perhaps he wants to be in Steven Soderberg’s new male stripper film. But the result is that he’s not coming back to reprise the role of Jake Lonergan.

You sound upset.

Not for myself but the fans. I know how much they were invested in the film. But it’s wasn’t to be. Now, I’ll have to start making phone calls. The hardest will be Harrison. He’s been phoning me up every single night. When are we going to do it? When? he says. Jon Favreau at least can make Chef 2 or go back to political speech writing, but Harrison … I don’t think he has anything else in his life except Cowboys and Aliens.

Has this got anything to do with Craig’s decision to return as James Bond?

Who’s James Bond?

Cowboys and Aliens 2 will star Hayden Christensen.

HARRISON FORD’S EARRING WRITES TELL ALL MEMOIR

HOLLYWOOD – Han Solo and Indiana Jones star Harrison Ford is facing potential scandal as it was revealed that his earring is writing a scandal crammed memoir about his life with the star.

Harrison Ford’s earring has written a memoir of his life with the star and the Studio Exec has got EXCLUSIVE permission to publish the extracts here.

From Chapter One.

It was an ordinary day in Claire’s Accessories on Lexington Avenue. I’d been poked by a couple of Japanese tourists and discarded by a teenager who – by the ordure from his digits – had just been eating a taco. The other rings and I were gossiping about Tavora, the assistant, when who should walk in but Han Solo and his wife Melissa Mathison. Tavora reads gossip magazines out loud so we recognized the hunk from Force Ten from Navarone immediately. ‘Are you sure about this?’ Melissa asked. ‘Sure,’ Harrison said and without even looking he pointed to me and said ‘That one.’ The piercing was over in a jiffy and Harrison didn’t cry or yelp even. He actually sounded disappointed when he said it didn’t hurt.

From Chapter Six.

The divorce was difficult for all of us. I liked Clarissa, I really did and I do. But you have to understand the position I was in. I mean Harrison never took me out. I heard all the sweet nothings, the moans, the passion and late at night in the bathroom the weeping, the pain and regrets. It was a hard time for all of us. And it was our about then that the fungus infection started. Was it related to stress? I’m no doctor. I’m an item of jewelry, to paraphrase DeForest Kelley.

From Chapter Nine.

Daniel Craig was there and Jon Favreau. The’d been talking for over an hour and I got the feeling Harrison was uncertain to say the least. As was customary, he called time and went to take a leak. In the bathroom, he rubbed me gently. ‘Well, what do you say old Pal?’ he asked. ‘Shall we do it?’ I had been a lucky charm for him and now Harrison was asking me career advice. I told him straight. ‘The title stinks, the plot is uncertain and the characters aren’t well defined,’ I told him. He was angry. I could tell he wanted to do it. He reached up and began to take me out. ‘Noooooooooooooo,’ I shouted, but no one could hear my tiny golden voice.

From Chapter Eleven.

Of course there was no way of knowing how Jimmy Fallon would react and Harrison was a little nervous of doing the whole bit. Live TV is a different ball game but I whispered in his ear: ‘Make sure it hurts!’ And I heard an appreciative chuckle from the pilot of the Millennium Falcon.

Lobe Runner: Tales from Harrison Ford’s Left Ear by G. Ring (as told to Chad Sternberger) is available from all good bookstores.

OLIVIA WILDE CONFESSES: ‘I’M FROM ANOTHER PLANET’

HOLLYWOOD – Film actress and political activist Olivia Wilde finally admitted today that she comes from another planet, ending years of speculation that about the Drinking Buddies actress’ extraterrestrial origins.

She told shocked delegates at a meeting of PETA: ‘I’m a Vegan.’

The astonished audience broke into confused applause. One onlooker who wasn’t astonished was noted Alien Watcher, Sybil Stokes:

I’ve had my eye on Wilde for some time. I believe that every actor/actress confesses to their alien origins in their choice of film roles. They can’t help it. Aliens are so up themselves. Look at John Travolta in Battlefield Earth or better still: don’t. ‘Olivia Wilde’ has played an alien in Cowboys and Aliens and a weird computer thing in Tron Legacy.

The planet Vega is part of the Sirius solar system and has been known to support potentially intelligent life for years. Vegans, who have come to our planet via a series of ‘space tubes’, assume humanoid form, but give themselves away via their weird eyes and the way they refuse to eat meat, fish, eggs and dairy products, which badly effect their alien digestive system.  

Lazarus will be released in 2015.

DRINKING BUDDIES: REVIEW

DRINKING BUDDIES: REVIEW – As everyone knows, Men are form Mars and Venus is from… Vagina? I’m not sure I got that right.

Anyhow, the chick from Cowboys and Aliens and the dude who miraculously has refrained from murdering New Girl Zooey Deschanel for however many seasons are together in the first male female bro-mance Drinking Buddies, directed by Joe Swanberg and set in a small brewery. Both Kate (Olivia Wilde) and Luke (Jake Johnson) have significant others, but their obvious attraction for each other, their matey banter and occasional physical intimacy looks set to blur boundaries and pigeons cat among the … put.  Neither one of them are ready to fully commit and there’s a kidulthood vibe going on, with Luke and his hipster beard (disgracefully not featured on the poster) and permanent cap, and Kate’s kooky one of the boys good humor. What begins as essentially lightweight mumblecore becomes something altogether more engaging as a result of the genuine chemistry between the leads. Not since Lost in Translation has the frisson that comes with not coming together been so effectively sustained.  Avoiding melodrama, keeping the scale small and the focus tight, Drinking Buddies is a brilliant portrait of intimacy and friendship and problems attendant.  

For more Romantic Films with no f*cking Click Here. 

JON FAVREAU DENIES WRITING SPEECHES FOR OBAMA

HOLLYWOOD – Iron Man and Cowboys and Aliens director, Jon Favreau has angrily denied that he has been writing speeches for President Barack Obama and is in fact a member of the White House staff.

‘No,’ he shouted down the phone EXCLUSIVELY to the Studio Exec. ‘That’s another guy with the same name.’

Undeterred by such a denial, we asked Harrison Ford if he believed that the flop of Cowboys and Aliens might have been partly due to the director being distracted by having to pen State of the Union drafts and addresses to the United Nations. 

‘It might have had something to do with it,’ said a sleepy sounding Indiana Jones. ‘Was he really doing that?’

Robert Downey Jr. or someone who looked very like Robert Downey Jr. told us:

Jon was constantly on his Blackberry and the only other person who owns a Blackberry in Northern America is the President. Coincidence? I don’t think so.

Yesterday, Fox News told us over the phone that this could be bigger than Benghazi, but ‘not geographically’ they added helpfully. Jon Favreau meanwhile is working on the long awaited sequel to Cowboys and Aliens.

Cowboys and Pirates will be released in 2015 and President Obama will be addressing the Affordable Care Act later this week. 
  

PIRATES AND ALIENS IS GO

HOLLYWOOD – Jon Favreau is to sit in the director’s chair once more for his long awaited follow up to Cowboys and Aliens: Pirates and Aliens.


Working from a script written with Gore Verbinski, the new film will not be a direct follow on from the Harrison Ford/ Daniel Craig genre bender and game changer that came out in 2011 to what was thought at the time to be economically disappointing box office. 

“We were ahead of our time,” explains director Favreau. 

We tried to do too much and people weren’t ready for it, running before we could walk . This time round we’ve shifted the action into the past. We even had Spielberg on board at one point and it was going to be Pirates and Dinosaurs and Aliens but he had to go off and do something else and anyway we don’t want to make the same mistake again. 

Details are at the moment hazy, but it is thought that Johnny Depp and Helena Bonham Carter are both interested in roles. Favreau also commented that he’d like Kevin James, stating, “He’s an actor who will give the film more serious dramatic heft.’ 

Pirates and Aliens is due for release in 2015.   

5 FACTS YOU NEVER KNEW ABOUT HARRISON FORD

HOLLYWOOD – You might think you know everything about Harrison Ford, the man who brought us Han Solo, Indiana Jones and Rick Deckard. But you SO don’t.

Let the Studio Exec reveal so many squirming facts that Harrison would probably say “Facts, why did it have to be facts?”

1. Harrison Ford actually did make the Kessel Run in 12 parsecs in preparation for filming Star Wars in 1976. What people generally don’t know is that the Kessel run is really short and the record is actually 3 parsecs.  

2. Harrison Ford is from Norwegian stock and his family name before it was Americanized was Harrison Fjord.  

3. Harrison Ford is actually a Carpenter by trade. He played bass on Close to You and Yesterday Once More, but left the group to concentrate on his acting. George Lucas misunderstood Harrison’s CV and got him to make a set of bookshelves, which the actor gamely tried to do, inadequately as it would happen, leading to George Lucas’ famously witty riposte: “I hope he’s better at acting than he is at you know making some bookshelves, cause these shelves are terrible and what we need in the film is someone who can act, better than the person who made these shelves can makes shelves. Anyway.”  

4. Steven Spielberg wouldn’t let Harrison Ford keep the Indiana Jones whip because it was ‘dangerous and he could take someone’s eye out with it’ even though Harrison promised to just look at it and never use it. 

5. Although Blade Runner is largely seen to be his best performance, Harrison Ford does not rate the film and argues that Force Ten from Navarone, Firewall and Cowboys and Aliens are all superior. This antipathy towards the film could have something to do with the animosity between Ridley Scott and Harrison Ford. During the ‘making of…’ documentary Dangerous Days, the two won’t even look at each other. 

For more FACTS on everything from this to that click HERE!  

PLUG PULLED ON MORE COWBOYS AND MORE ALIENS

HOLLYWOOD – More Cowboys and More Aliensthe ill-fated sequel to the ill-fated Science Fiction Western mash up, has been shot in the head with a six shooter after first being frozen in the blue glow of a zap gun.  

The sequel to Cowboys and Aliens was to feature the return of Daniel Craig as the pitiless outlaw who suddenly finds his humanity killing aliens and Harrison Ford as the sadistic ranch owner who suddenly finds humanity killing aliens, along with a cast of new stars who all find humanity while killing aliens. Jon Favreau the “Director” said: “Ultimately, no one could be bothered.”

Sam Rockwell who played Doc in the original film – a cowardly man who suddenly finds his humanity by killing aliens – expressed relief that the sequel would not go ahead. “The first film began with all these high hopes.”, said Rockwell, “It’s going to make Wild Wild West look like Jonah Hex, but that didn’t make the slightest bit of sense.”
He added – “I would pay money not to have to appear in that film.”

More Cowboys and More Aliens will be released in 2015.