MARSNASA poured cold water over the hot lonely crotches of conspiracy theorists everywhere this week by claiming new images of the Mars surface, which apparently show a mysterious looming obelisk with what appears to be a sinister smiling face depicted on it, are nothing but a trick of the light.

With our newly acquired satellite ‘Deep Peep 3000’ The Studio Exec decided to have a look for ourselves but our results are sadly inconclusive.

For many years Capricorn One viewers have argued that Elvis Presley, the assassin of John F. Kennedy, had not actually died but was living on Mars and shooting a film directed by Stanley Kubrick. The Shining is a key text which reveals in hidden patterns and code the location of Presley and a complete confession of how the Moon landings were faked because NASA in effect missed the Moon and landed on Mars. Watch Danny’s jumper closely.

More recently rumors that Tom Cruise had moved to Mars alongside John Travolta and Giovanni Ribisi were dismissed out of hand by ex-President George Bush who added that he did not bring down the twin towers as part of an intricate plan to do a load of things that nobody wanted to do.

Recent photographs relayed back from Mars have given theorists fresh grist to their mill, but as we can see from the evidence above it is likely that this is merely an optical illusion caused by the Loch Ness monster which was just out of shot.


With retirement just a week away Manchester United manager Sir Alex Ferguson revealed this morning that his next project will be a sequel to Oliver Stone’s conspiracy epic JFK.

Ferguson, who has a long standing fascination with the events surrounding the death of the former US president, will write, direct and finance the film which he claims will finally reveal who is responsible for the infamous assassination.

‘Aliens,’  said an adamant Sir Alex:

Specifically the Annunaki from the Planet Nibiru. It’s a complicated theory but basically the Annunaki were able to receive television signals from earth and developed a fascination with Marilyn Monroe. When they discovered she had been found dead and the Kennedy’s were culpable they captured Lyndon B Johnson, replaced him with a robot and hatched a plan to kill the President.

Asked what evidence he based his conclusions on Ferguson became irate.

The evidence has always been there but nobody wants to admit it. Look at Lee Harvey Oswald. I have the original copy of his autopsy report which clearly states the man had more in common with an octopus than a human being. The Annunaki are an amphibian race. End of Story.

Ferguson also revealed he is not the only high profile name obsessed with the JFK case.

I’m the chairman of The Smoking Gun Society we meet up on the first Thursday of every month and discuss our theories. Noam Chomsky is a member as is Richard Dawkins, Stephen Hawking and Diego Maradona. If you think my theories are wild you should hear Diego talk how the energy companies are suppressing various perpetual motion devices. He’s passionate about the subject.

JFK 2 is due for release in 2014