NIC CAGE INVESTMENT SCHOOL OPENS ONLINE

Advertisement – The Studio Exec is proud to endorse the Nic Cage Investment School as it opens for business online. Do you want to live like a movie star? Do you want to live in a fantasy world of outrageous extravagance that may or may not all come crashing down around your ears at any given moment? Then the Nic Cage Investment School (NCIS) is the fun fiduciary finishing school for you.

 

Nic Cage Investment School (NCIS) – Kerching Baby!

For just one up-front fee of $500 and a further instalment plan (a legally binding 4 year commitment of $200 per calendar month, your house will be used as collateral and will be under risk if you do not keep up repayments) the NCIS will teach you the secrets of how to buy a fleet of sports cars you will never see in the flesh, let alone drive. Are you fed up with living in that spacious family home? THEN BUY A FUCKING ISLAND, LOSER. By investing in the Nic Cage Investment School, you will then be granted the golden key (not actual gold, with no monetary value whatsoever and is a choking hazard to those under the age of 10 and over the age of 65) to unlock the secrets to untold wealth and carefree living.

To Make Money, You Have To Spend Money 

With your one-off fee and instalment plan (a legally binding 4 year commitment of $200 per calendar month, your house will be used as collateral and will be under risk if you do not keep up repayments. And we are VERY litigious) Nic Cage will connect with you personally (personally means an online, non-responsive, animated figure of Nic, voiced by a third party) and teach you exactly how he made millions and millions of dollars. Then he will teach you how to disregard ‘advice’, ‘sincere warnings’ and ‘well-meaning interventions’ from management, family and trusted friends.

Quantity Is Quality

And The NCIS isn’t just about the good times. There is a very small chance (absolute certainty) the good times may catch you up. Your world may (will) come crashing down around you. But don’t fret, Nic will (wont) help you build your life and career back up again. He’ll teach you to take any shitty part that comes along, so long as it pays well.

The Nic Cage Investment School Is Open For Business Now

NIC CAGE BRINGS CON AIR MUSICAL TO BROADWAY

NEW YORK – A musical version of Simon West’s hit action film Con Air is being readied for its Broadway debut, featuring a rare musical performance from the original star Nicolas Cage.

With music by Stewart Copeland (formerly of The Police) and a ‘Book’ by British lyricist Tim Rice, casting is complete and rehearsals have begun for what promises to be a ‘major smash of the new season’. In his first full on musical role since Wild at Heart, Cage will be treading the boards and singing such potential smash hits as ‘Put the Bunny Back in the Box’, ‘Oh Billy Bedlam (You’re a Font of Misplaced Rage)’ and ‘Don’t Land my Airplane in Las Vegas’ (to the tune of Sweet Home Alabama). Speaking exclusively to the Studio Exec the eccentric Elvis impersonator:

I’m so looking forward to this opportunity. The film was a blast to do but with the musical dimension we’re able to take this in whole new directions. 

How hard was it to adapt the film?

Not hard at all actually. There’s basically one setting – the airplane – and everything else can be easily suggested. 

Who else will be appearing from the original film? 

I’d like to get Steve Buscemi, but he’s not picking up the phone. And we want John Malkovich to reprise his role as Cyrus Grissom. He has a solo song ‘The Next Wings You See (Will Belong to the Flies Buzzing Over your Rotting Corpse)’ which will bring down the house, but I’m not sure John can even sing. Still he has such charisma.  

Con Air: the Musical will preview in early October Upper State New York before its Broadway Premier.

JOHN CUSACK IS RUSH LIMBAUGH

WASHINGTON  – Hollywood reeled today with the news that John Cusack and Rush Limbaugh are in fact the same person.

The actor famed for his liberal views and twitching irritating performances has apparently been ‘Rushing’ from film sets to radio studio changing into his fat suit and grey wig in the limo, before spouting off at the mouth about a load of bigoted guff.

First rumours were spread after Leonardo diCaprio in a GQ interview with Clint Eastwood revealed that the fat suit and make up used in J. Edgar to reproduce the famed FBI boss were actually borrowed from Cusack. ‘Why did John Cusack have a fat suit?’ the confused ‘journalist’ asked. But Eastwood cut the interview short and soon after faked an argument with the coffee table in order to bring the embarrassing conversation to a close.

Speaking today exclusively to Studio Exec, Mr. Cusack said:

I’m relieved ultimately. For years I’ve been leading a double life. On the one hand making forgettable films and the on the other spewing my hateful bile into the airwaves. Sometimes the lives would collide as for instance when I made Con Air

Cusack plans to make a film of the experience which ‘will make Tootsie look like Mrs Doubtfire.’