J.J. ABRAMS ANNOUNCES TITLE OF STAR WARS IX

HOLLYWOOD –  J.J. Abrams takes over Star Wars Episode IX and announces the title.

Taking over from Colin Trevorrow, J.J. Abrams will direct Star Wars Episode IX. He also announced that the title will be: The Return of the Empire Striking Back Jedi. He also revealed some of the story:

Luke Skywalker Rey initiates a plan to rescue Han Solo Finn from the crime lord Jabba the Hutt Jr. with the help of Princess Leia, Lando Calrissian, Poe Dameron, Maz Kanata, Chewbacca, C-3PO, and R2-D2. Leia Maz infiltrates Jabba Jr’s palace on Tatooine, disguised as a bounty hunter, with Chewbacca as her prisoner. Leia Maz releases Han Finn from his carbonite prison, but she is captured and enslaved. Luke Rey arrives soon afterward, but is also captured after a tense standoff. After Luke survives his battle with Jabba Jr’s Rancor, Jabba Jr sentences him and Han to death by feeding them to the Sarlacc 2.0. Luke Rey frees himself and battles Jabba Jr’s guards. During the chaos, Leia Maz strangles Jabba Jr. to death, and Luke destroys Jabba Jr’s sail barge as the group escapes.

Wait, you haven’t mentioned Luke Skywalker!?

Why would I? He died in Episode 8 dummy.

What?

I mean, spoiler.

The Return of the Empire Striking Back Jedi will be released in 2020.

JURASSIC WORLD 2 GETS NEW DIRECTOR

HOLLYWOOD – Just months before it goes into production, Jurassic World 2 has a new director taking over from Colin Trevorrow.

Jurassic World 2 is to be directed by Terrence Malick, sources within Universal Studios have confirmed. The Tree of Life director is to take on the follow-up to the surprise hit of last year and stars Chris Pratt and Bryce Dallas Howard are also confirmed to return. Terrence Malick took a break from a punishing round of promotional interviews surrounding the release of Knight of Cups to talk about his new job.

This is fantastic. I love dinosaurs always have. I’ve wanted to add a dinosaur to all my films but thus far have only been able to slip a couple into the Tree of Life. We had one in The Thin Red Line but Sean Penn made me take it out.

You had a dinosaur in Thin Red Line?

No, wait, dinosaur, no I meant Mickey Rourke. Ha ha ha! Boom goes the Malickian dynamite!

So this is the first time you’ve taken on a big entertainment style movie. How are you going to approach it?

I’ve tried in the past to do entertainment blockbusters. I even had Ben Affleck in To the Wonder because I thought it might make it work better but Olga wouldn’t stop dancing for five minutes and so we couldn’t find anywhere to get the terrorist kidnapping subplot in. This time around it’s going to be different. This time I’m going to write a script.

Wow! A script!?

I know. It’s radical. I’m already working on it and we’re going to tell the story of how the dinosaurs escape onto the mainland. So far, with the exception of the end of Jurassic Park 2, all of these films have been confined to islands but I want to see what a T.Rex would do to a large urban area. And I’m really looking forward to working with Chris Pratt and Jessica Chastain.

Bryce Dallas Howard!

Whatever. The important thing is they give good voiceover. Anything else I can cut around. I’ve started writing the voiceover already.

Is it the first thing you do?

It’s the first, the last and the middle bit of what I do. Here listen: ‘Who are you that calls to me from across the millennia? You who stand before me. Oh! You’re beside me as well. Clever girl!’

Jurassic World 2 will be released in 2018.

JURASSIC WORLD: REVIEW

JURASSIC WORLD: REVIEW – Jurassic World broke box office records on its opening weekend to become the biggest opener ever, but how does the fourth film in the Jurassic Park franchise and the latest Chris Pratt – Jessica Chastain (?) vehicle hold up? Read our in depth review.

Continue reading “JURASSIC WORLD: REVIEW”

JURASSIC WORLD: SCRIPT LEAK

HOLLYWOOD – The long awaited new entry in the Jurassic Park franchise, Jurassic World directed by Colin Trevorrow, isn’t due for release until June, 2015 but the Studio Exec has received a leaked draft of the screenplay and we publish it here EXCLUSIVELY.

EXT. Isola Nublar – DAY

A group of visitors enter the now fully functioning Jurassic World Theme Park.

TOUR GUIDE

Welcome to Jurassic World.

GUEST 1
Wow look. Dinosaurs!

T-Rex, veolciraptors etc. romp.

 GUEST 2

Isn’t this dangerous?

LITTLE BOY

Yeah, mister. Didn’t something go terribly wrong about twenty or so years back?

TOUR GUIDE

Ha ha! Isn’t he adorable? No, little fella. There were some incidents right at the very beginning. Teething problems. But they only people who were killed were fat, lawyers or black.

GUEST 1

Thank Gosh.

GUEST 2

But couldn’t it happen again?

TOUR GUIDE

No, not at all. The security systems are fool proof and the only way of deactivating them is if someone were to press this big red button.

LITTLE BOY

This one.

Little Boy presses big red button. An alarm SOUNDS and the fences are all deactivated.

LITTLE BOY

Oh cripes!

Dinosaurs break the fences and eat the Little Boy, the Tour Guide, Guest 1 and 2.

The END.