PRESIDENT OBAMA BANS COLDPLAY FROM THE US

WASHINGTON – President Barack Obama today issued an Executive Order which bans the British ‘rock’ group Coldplay from all US territories.

In an unprecedented move, President Obama has formally banned the ‘music’ group Coldplay from the USA. In a statement the White House said:

President Barack Obama has looked with some concern on the rise of the British music guitar based pop group Coldplay for some time. Their dull noodlings have a stultifying effect on culture general and so with some regret the President has taken the step of issuing a ban denying visas and entrance to Chris Martin, Guy Berryman, Jonny Buckland and Will Champion and whoever will in the future be a member of the group to the country.

In an interview with the Studio Exec, President Obama said:

They’re just so awful. The last straw however was the halftime show at the Superbowl. It was bad enough that those glasses of milk had to drag Beyonce down with them. At that point I knew I had to do something. But it isn’t just music, scientists have concluded that the group contribute to global warming just by being so tedious.

Coldplay were unavailable for comment.

5 THINGS THAT WENT WRONG WITH VINYL

NEW YORK – The new HBO show Vinyl is awful, but why?

We sent the Studio Exec FACT squad into the heart of the music business to find out what went wrong with the Martin Scorsese, Terrence Winter and Mick Jagger drama.

  1. Martin Scorsese, Terrence Winter and Mick Jagger are too in love with their subject. What should be the background to the drama – the music – is actually foregrounded. The drama of Richie Finestra (Bobby Cannavale) and his wife Devon (Olivia Wilde) is so uninteresting that the show runners have no compunction in interrupting whatever is happening with a beautifully shot but essentially irrelevant music video. When the artists aren’t interested in their own characters, how can we expect the audience to give a shit?
  2. The building collapse that ended the way too long pilot might have happened in reality – read about the true story here – but if God was a screenwriter I would have fired him. It was a lazy grab at a visually interesting WTF! moment which beggared belief and gave the feeling that Terrence Winter had decided he didn’t have a kitchen sink to throw at the pilot, but he’d throw anything else he could lay his hands on.
  3. Famous people clutter the scene. Vinyl is set in the hay day of the seventies as punk begins to rear its dirty head on the horizon. The legendary groups such as Led Zeppelin and Jethro Tull are about to give way to the New York Dolls and The Stranglers, The Sex Pistols and The Clash. The cultural shift takes place in episode two. But we also get to see The Velvet Underground in flashback. This is essentially the same arc as Mad Men, but whereas advertising features famous brands rather than people, the constant name dropping and cameos of rock gods and punk godfathers is distracting and kind of irritating. I’ve seen the documentary footage of Led Zeppelin’s famously incendiary manager yelling backstage and it was better than the glimpse we had.
  4. The Seventies. Sorry to mention Mad Men again, but that shows pristine production design was entirely in keeping with the shiny lines of its historical moment. In comparison Vinyl looks to CD or MP3. It’s too glossy. The women are millennial beauties; the musicians are talent show handsome. The punk band look like Coldplay cosplaying punk. In fact this whole venture feels like a very expensive, dramatically arid cosplay.
  5. Enough of the Don Draper shit already. US TV has been dominated now for years by protagonists who are all powerful men who do bad shit but we end up rooting for them regardless. From Tony Soprano and Walter White, to whoever Steve Buscemi was playing in Boardwalk Empire and Don Draper, so Richie is another such. His back story demands we take him seriously as the genuine article, but he is essentially another male power fantasy, surrounded by assholes – the Germans in the Polygram subplot has to go down as the easiest kowtowing to audience prejudice ever – who gets to be at the center of things. Like with Don Draper, we are supposed to respect the machinations and ‘creative genius’ of someone who is basically a business executive. He’s honest about ripping off the artists, but we’re supposed to like him. The musicians are seen as feckless dandies who need forming by the solid acumen of Richie. This is the Steve Jobs version of history and as much as I admire the promotion of Executives as ‘the unacknowledged legislators of mankind’, answer me this. If they were so all powerful, why did they put up with Ray Romano’s supremely irritating voice?

 For more FACTS on everything from this to that click HERE!

SUPER BOWL HALFTIME SHOW: REVIEW

SUPER BOWL HALFTIME SHOW: REVIEW – As the dust settles on the Super Bowl 50 and the winners The Celine Dion Denver Broncos celebrate and the losers The Chicago 5-0 Panthers tearfully dream of what could have been, the Studio Exec turns his attention to the much hyped HalfTime Show, starring Beyonce, Bruno Mars and Coldplay.

Was it a Home Run or did it fail to go in the hoop? Find out with this comprehensive blow by blow review:

I didn’t watch it.

For more Reviews, Click Here.

A RECIPE FROM CHRIS MARTIN’S NEW COOK BOOK

HOLLYWOOD – Following his ‘uncoupling’ with Gwyneth Paltrow, Coldplay singer Chris Martin is venturing into his ex-couplet’s territory with a new cook book called Simply Chris.

The Studio Exec managed to get an advance copy and here we have an EXCLUSIVE recipe from the culinary masterpiece.

Dolphin soup

A wonderful starter with a surprisingly light and delicate taste. 

Kill a little dolphin, chop it in pieces,

Look how wonderful you a—a—are,

Fry it with garlic, little salt and pepper,

Then you set it apar—aarrr–art,

Prepare some stock, boil for twenty minutes,

Oh let’s go back to the start,

Add the dolphin, cover and simmer,

You don’t know how tasty you a—a–are.

Nobody said cooking dolphin was easy

It’s socially unacceptable for a start,

Nobody said cooking porpoise was easy,

But follow these instructions and it should be so ha—-aa—ard!


Simply Chris is available from all good book shops and Amazon.  

COLDPLAY MOVIE GETS SYNOPSIS

HOLLYWOOD – The long-gestating project Coldplay: the Motion Picture has finally got a script, a synopsis and promises to be more than ‘your average concert film’, promised band leader Chris Martin as he promoted the release of the band’s fourth album Ghost Stories (Atlantic).

Ex-Mr. Paltrow said:

It was really important we didn’t just do a documentary and have I don’t know Morgan Spurlock following us around for a couple of months. And we also thought if we were just to do a concert film than people would kind of doze off, because our music is kind of soothing. You know. 

Director Abel Ferrara said he was very excited by the prospect of working with the UK based band.

We’ve got a script that Jim Rash has penned for us. It’s brilliant. He’s actually based it on Head, the film Jack Nicholson directed for The Monkees. It’s psychedelic and bizarre. The guys are really funny to begin with Chris and … the other guys in the band. But it goes very dark towards the end when the lead character, Chris, plots to murder his beautiful vegan wife Gwendoline. 

Wow. That sounds really…

Oh, it’s dark all right. I’ve been re-watching Driller Killer to prepare for this film and anyone who think is the film is going to be as anodyne as Coldplay’s music aren’t taking into account the ravaging effects of a painful ahem… uncoupling.

Coldplay: the Motion Picture will be released in 2015.

NASA CONFIRM GWYNETH PALTROW CHRIS MARTIN UNCOUPLING

HOUSTON – This morning NASA confirmed the successful uncoupling of the celestial body Gwyneth Paltrow from the space debris known as Chris Martin.

The operation took place in the early hours of this morning in what technicians are calling a ‘flawless performance of technical excellence’. A NASA spokesperson said:

These things are always delicate because you never quite known what the reactions are going to be and what you’re going to find in there. Fortunately, possibly due to a diet of celery water and positive thinking, Ms. Paltrow was almost entirely empty and so when we uncoupled her, there was very little mess.

The operation took place fifty miles above the surface of the Earth during an EVA from the International Space Station (ISS). Astrophysicist and part time film critic Neil deGrasse Tyson  remarked:

The wonder of such an event can only go to show how amazing a force evolution is. In a short time, less than a generation, Paltrow has gone from being the rather ordinary actress of Sliding Doors fame to what she is now: an ethereal space baby floating benignly above us and mildly reproving us for our eating habits and our poor parenting skills. Now come with me as we…

Sorry Neil, we got a thing. 

Oh, you don’t want to come with me while we explore the wonder of the Cosmos?

Maybe next week.

Gwyneth Paltrow will remain in a permanent orbit high above the atmosphere but Chris Martin is expected to fall to Earth later today somewhere over the Indian Ocean. 

PALTROW PITCHES GOOP: THE MOTION PICTURE

LONDON – Hot from the success of her role as feminist icon Pepper Potts in Iron Man 3, Gwyneth Paltrow has been pitching a new film based on her blog Goop.

The film will star herself, Sarah Jessica Parker and Meryl Streep as three women in love inexplicably in love with Jamie Oliver. In there attempts to woo him, they compete at perfecting their lives, looking beautiful, cooking healthy but delicious meals, swapping shopping tips and not damaging the environment in the process.

Ms. Paltrow dropped by the Studio Exec‘s London office to big up the calamity:

It begins light enough. Imagine a superficial version of Eat Pray Love… Actually just imagine Eat Pray Love. Anyway, about halfway through Jamie Oliver realises what’s going on when we all go on a weekend retreat to find ourselves. What ensues is going to make Passolini’s Salò look like Winx.

Will Chris Martin be involved? Perhaps play on the soundtrack?

Yuk! No! We want it to be darkly horrific , not vacuously disgusting. 

Goop will be plop in 2015.  

BREAKFAST WITH ASSHOLES: 19. GWYNETH PALTROW

A glass of sand and a corner of damp cotton, served lukewarm. 

I meet Iron Man 3 star and cookie cookbook writer Gwyneth Paltrow at her London home. She answers the door with a cardboard box on her head. ‘Get it?’ she giggles at my no doubt baffled expression. ‘I’m in Seven! Ha ha ha!’


I laugh warmly and , some might say, too loudly.

We settled down in the back kitchen with the beautiful London rain light falling through the tall French windows and turning everything a beautiful shade of posthumous. She offers me a delicious bowl of damp cotton and a glass of freshly squeezed sand.

So Gwyneth tell me about Iron Man 3? Was it fun working with Robert Downey Jr.?

To tell you the truth, I really don’t want to answer any questions about my private life and how I’ve suffered, not exactly like Jesus Christ nailed to a cross, or little children blinded in Bhopal, or starving in the Sudan, but, you know, close.

Right. So Iron Man 3. When can we expect a stand alone Pepper Potts movie? 

I made it very clear to Shane [Black] that I didn’t want to just be tied up and rescued on this one. I wanted to be a protagonist. A strong female role model. And he said okay. How about we tie you up and have you be rescued in your underwear? It was at that point I knew I was in safe hands. As for the stand alone movie it’s the first I heard about it [was when I read your wonderful article in the fabulous Studio Exec]. (CLICK HERE for that story.)

You’ve come in for quite a bit of criticism…

Let me stop you right there. I know exactly what you are going to say. My diets are not crazy and my children, Kiwi Fruit and Elijah Bumpkins, are perfectly normal.  

I was going to say for not being a very good actress.

Oh … well, that’s fair I suppose. Can I top you up there?

Gwyneth’s husbands

I move to put my hand over the glass but Gwyneth has already refilled it with white sand. ‘I insist on white sand and not yellow sand because of Elijah’s allergies,’ she tells me. ‘People criticize me for being too strict but my children – like all children – still eat the occasional bowl of gold flake caviar.’

And so what’s next?

I’m in a new film about Pablo Picasso. And I’m probably going to have another cook book out soon. Oh, and I’m still married to Coldplay.

To Chris Martin from Coldplay?

Yeah he’s one of them. And there’s a small film I did about sex addiction also coming out. Thanks for Sharing is the title I think.

When I say good bye to Gwyneth, I feel like I’ve learned a lot about this complex and intelligent woman, but I did wish she had taken that box off and I couldn’t shake the impression  that her voice had been very manly.

For all the Breakfasts CLICK HERE.


GWYNETH PALTROW SUED BY POT NOODLE

LONDON – Gwyneth Paltrow’s new cookbook ‘5 Minute Delights’ is the center of a lawsuit launched by Pot Noodle, the conveyor of convenience meals in the United Kingdom. Lawyers for the Unilever company today said that many of Ms. Paltrow’s recipes seem to have been copied verbatim from Pot Noodle packaging.

Take for instance her Chinese Chow Mein recipe:




Boil a kettle until the water is properly boiled and the kettle clicks off. Then open the foil seal, being careful not to cut yourself. Pour the boiling water into the pot stirring constantly. And voila!

 Likewise the Beef and Tomato, Tony’s Kebab flavour and Original Curry recipes all seem to involve buying a Pot Noodle and pouring in boiling water and then stirring.


Gwyneth Paltrow – who is married to Coldplay – said that she was absolutely horrified to be accused of basically having robbed all her ideas and not really having tried at all or given it any thought. ‘It’s that asshole Jamie Oliver, isn’t it?’ she said.