COCOON REBOOT RON HOWARD DIRECTING

HOLLYWOOD – With the announcement there will be a Cocoon Reboot Ron Howard has confirmed he can no longer be bothered with new ideas for films. The Exec caught up with Hollywood’s go to director to discuss his return to the Cocoon Reboot Ron Howard franchise.

 


What gave you the idea for a Cocoon reboot?

Is it really an idea or is it just financial capitulation? I mean, who the fuck can bothered with coming up with new ideas that nobody gives a shit about? The way I see it, I could either make a new film and collaborate with new writers. I could discover a new story that excites me. Engage with new and upcoming actors who can brings fresh and young ideas to the art form.

 

That sounds exciting.

Hang on, I didn’t finish. I could do all that. Or, I could just churn out another rehashed idea from one of my so-called ‘80s classics’. I could throw Tom Hanks in as the lead, because we can do this shit with our eyes closed now. Boom, we make a few mill at the box office. Or easier still, we get those suckers at Netflix or Prime to cough up the dough. We don’t even have to bother doing press tours then.

 

Forgive me for saying, but isn’t that a rather jaded attitude?

I couldn’t give a shit if it is. I’m a multi-millionaire film maker that still wears baseball caps indoors. Do I look like I care? Anyway, Tom Hanks plays some rich old fucker who one day discovers these Cocoons in his pool. He gets in the pool and then BAM! He’s doing cartwheels or some shit like that. We’ll get him to run up and down a giant keyboard that lights up.

 

Isn’t that from Big?

Oh yeah, that’s where it comes from. Fuck it, we’ll say it’s a fun homage. He then becomes involved with a secret, mask-wearing sex cult as he goes through a crisis of confidence in his own marriage.

 

That’s just ripping off Eyes Wide Shut. Surely?

HOMAGE! HOMAGE, HOMAGE, HOMAGE!


The Cocoon reboot starts filming next month.

CHINA 3D PRINT AN ARMY OF GUTTENBERGS

The Chinese government have confirmed that they have successfully 3D printed an army of Steve Guttenbergs

 

BEIJING – The Chinese government have confirmed that they have successfully 3D printed an army of Steve Guttenbergs, but have assured the West that they are only to be used in cases of extreme defense and/or ‘to f*ck up Tibet’.

The Studio Exec previously reported how 3D printers when set to random would print a Guttenberg, but this was initially perceived to have been a glitch in the hardware. It has now become apparent that the Chinese have either taken advantage of the glitch, or had designed the 3D printers intentionally to create weapon grade Guttenbergs. 

The star of Police Academy, Three Men and a Baby, Cocoon and P.S. I Killed Your Cat is reportedly sanguine about having been cloned. He issued the following statement:

I believe that the Chinese government have taken this action only in the interests of world peace. With the power vacuum left by the collapse of American power abroad, it behooves the world’s largest economy to step in and take over the role of global policeman. If they need to do so using clones based on my image, then all I can say is the world is in safe hands.

President Obama expressed concern at the escalation, and international observers voiced worries that a new arms race is in progress, as reports reached us last night that the Russians have deployed an army of Kelsey Grammers on the Ukraine border.

What do you think? Should Steven Guttenberg be taken out as a ‘preventative measure’? Leave a brain stain in the comments box below.

5 FACTS YOU NEVER KNEW ABOUT STEVE GUTTENBERG

HOLLYWOOD – Who is Steve Guttenberg?

The myths and legends, the lies and calumny, the wishful thinking and nonsense that has cocooned the famous actor Steve Guttenberg need to be policed and for this, we go to the Truth Academy, where the Studio Exec will let you know how it went down and why.

One. He’s still alive.

Two. Steve is a classically trained actor, attending the prestigious Julliard school and studying under John Houseman, before going to California and appearing in Police Academy.

Three. When filming Cocoon, Steve played a trick on the director Ron Howard by giving what he described as ‘the flattest performance I could manage, just completely wooden.’ Unfortunately, Ron didn’t notice and the performance stayed in the picture.

Four. While filming Three Men and a Baby, the story of three confirmed bachelors who are lumbered with a baby who accidentally also happens to have a kilo of cocaine in her diapers, Steve and co-stars Ted Danson and Tom Selleck insisted on taking huge quantities of cocaine ‘to be true to the spirit of the film’.

Five. As well as being a talented actor, Steve is also a trained assassin. His long absence from the screen in the nineties was due to a series of jobs he undertook for a Colombian drug syndicate  ‘I had to take up the slack after Selleck backed out,’ he said of those years. ‘It was fun. I traveled and met some swell people.’

For more FACTS on everything from this to that click HERE! 

RON HOWARD ADMITS MIME FARM GUILT

HOLLYWOOD – Ron Howard today admitted that he felt terrible about the revelations of his secret mime farm.

In a tweet to the Studio Exec the Cocoon director confessed that it was ‘unsustainable.’ To read the original story, CLICK HERE.

Henry Winkler, who played the Fonz alongside Howard in Happy Days, was supportive of his former colleague. ‘We all make mistakes,’ said Winkler. ‘But as the Fonz might say, “Sit on it!”‘

 

RON HOWARD TO DIRECT HAPPY DAYS MOVIE

HOLLYWOOD – Sunday, Monday, Happy Days, sang Ron Howard, announcing the final green lighting of his dream project: The Happy Days Movie.

Once he’d stopped singing, the Cocoon director told Studio Exec exclusively:

For years I’ve been running away from Richie Cunningham. Was a time someone even mentioned Richie and I’d punch them out cold. I mean seriously. But it was while we were filming Rush that Henry Winkler called me up. I hadn’t seen him for years. Anyway he called me up and he said he had my family… [hyperventilating] he has my family. I have to … So I’m really looking forward to working with him again. He’s an artistic genius.  

The new film will feature a reunion of surviving cast members and will be set in the same time period as the original despite the different ages of the cast. 

I did suggest we change the ages or bring in new young members and we’d play like their parents or something, but then Henry sent me a package and when I opened it there was a smaller passage and so on and so forth like a Russian doll until…. Jesus… until there was this small finger sized box.

Why don’t you contact the police?

 These days are ours, happy and free [sobbing] These Happy Days!

Happy Days: The Motion Picture will be released just before Ron Howard’s family.