HOLLYWOOD: In the wake of the global runaway success of Top Gun: Maverick, another Tom Cruise legacy sequel has been announced. Cocktail II: Binge Drinker goes into production shortly. Cruise will reprise his role as barman, Brian Flannagan. Only in this movie, luck has not been on Brian’s side. We caught up with Cruise to discuss his latest challenge.
Tom, Thanks For Taking The Time To Speak With Us.
Woo! Yeah! Woo! I’M IN LOVE WITH BILLIONS OF DOLLARS! I’M IN LOVE WITH BILLIONS OF DOLLARS!
Can You Come Down Off The Couch, Please Tom. This Isn’t Oprah.
Sorry man. I’m just on a real high after making all the fucking money in the world. Now I finally know how James Cameron felt. I’m flying in the mother-fucking Thetan rocket, baby.
Tom. Please. Sit Down.
Ok, it’s cool, man. I’m sitting. Right, where were we?
You Were Going To Tell Us About Cocktail II: Binge Drinker?
Yeah, so the film continues to tell the story of barman supremo, Brian Flannagan. Only now, he’s down on his luck. Everyone he’s ever loved has left him. Jordan, who was played by Elisabeth Shue left him years ago.
So Elisabeth Isn’t In This Film?
No way, man. She’s really old now. We didn’t get Kelly McGillis in on Maverick and we aren’t going against my policy now. If the leading lady is the same age as me, she’s too fucking old. But anyway. Brian’s a real barfly these days. He’s one of those guys who just sits at the end of a bar, moaning about his kids who don’t want to see him. Think Jon Voight, but smells more of piss and booze. That’s me. I’ll tell ya, prep has been hard going. I’ve had to learn to drink a lot.
Where Did You Prepare For That?
In the UK, while we were shooting Mission Impossible 15, or whatever. Those fuckers can really drink over there. Have you seen Newcastle city center on a Saturday night? It’s like the last days of Rome, but everything smells of vomit and Doner Kebabs.
That Sounds Awful. Did You Join In?
Hell yeah. I can drink 9 pints of Newcastle Brown Ale without vomiting. I mean, they’re fucking nuts. No wonder they voted to leave the EU. They’re basically Nic Cage in Leaving Las Vegas. Those bastards have just pushed the big red self-destruct button. They’re just waiting for sweet oblivion. And that’s what the movie is like.
It Sounds Terrible.
Yeah? Well I got a billion dollars, so fuck you.