PAUL RUDD TO PLAY STEVE GUTTENBERG

HOLLYWOOD – Paul Rudd is to play Steve Guttenberg in a new biopic of the actor made famous by Cocoon, Three Men and a Baby and Police Academy.

The new Ant-Man, Paul Rudd, spoke with the Studio Exec EXCLUSIVELY about the project:

Steve Guttenberg was my inspiration growing up and I would never have thought to have challenged the role if it wasn’t for the fact that the script was out of this world and Alejandro González Iñárritu is a director I greatly admire.

Based on Iñárritu’s own script the film – provisionally entitled Guttenberg – focuses on a late moment in Steve Guttenberg’s career. Rudd explains:

This is not a classical biopic which sweeps from childhood through early struggles and success to inevitable decline. Instead we find Steve at a later part of his career. The heady days of the Eighties are over and the nineties have been dry, but Steve is preparing his directorial debut P.S. Your Cat Is Dead. Alejandro sees the film as a companion to Birdman, continuing his obsession with stars of the 80s and 90s, seeking to make artistic statements.

Did you see the original film?

Yes. It should be a lot better known. It’s really good. We want to make people realize that the guy from Short Circuit was an accomplished actor and director and not think of him as simply a possible cloned threat from China.

A what?

  There’s talk that China have 3D printed an army of Guttenbergs.

Good God!

Quite.

Guttenberg Will be released in 2023.

DISNEY SECURE RIGHTS TO THE 80S

HOLLYWOOD – In a power move that would make Gordon Gecko blush, Disney secure the rights to the decade formally known as the 1980s (now to be known as The 19-Disneys).

In a Studio Exec EXCLUSIVE Disney CEO Bob Iger relates the macabre experience of negotiating with the sinister keepers of the 80s.

So Bobby boy, Bob, Mr. Iger, ahem, how does one go about purchasing the 80s? Who has the rights? 

If I had known, oh if only I had known…such is the folly of man that he must forever inquire into the world’s deep and dark secrets. The ‘Neon Decade’ has been passed from one shiny glove wearing hand to another. there were rumors that David Bowie had the rights and had them enshrined in a sarcophagus in his residence high in the Swiss Alps;  freak weather however, destroyed Bowie’s mountain and he renounced his claim of the decade shortly thereafter. Oh, if only those secrets had perished in those rocky European chasms!

How did Disney get involved?

We had agents all over the world scouting for traces of the lost ‘rights’ and eventually someone heard of a cabal called ‘The Keepers of the Dread Child’ who claimed to have the rights to the 80s in their possession and who were willing to trade for something of equally magnificent value. In my arrogance I decided to personally negotiate with these shadowy figures. Eventually, one night I found myself led blindfold down endless flights of stairs, somewhere in Iceland.

Wow! This sh*t is intense … go on.

When my blindfold was removed I found I was kneeling in front of an alter of sorts, flanked by two immense thrones. The occupiers were none other than Steve Guttenberg and Peter Gabriel. Like two titans of unimaginable antiquity they sat there regarding me with imperial indifference. I thought I was to be judged and sentenced by them, such was the magisterial air of the whole affair. Then they spoke, in unison … which was weird. Their words echoed and swirled in my mind until I was not sure whether t’was some form of telepathy, but the gist was thus; between the thrones, on the alter, under a glittering sheath lay ‘The Dread Child’; a sleeping avatar of the 1980s, preserved and peaceful, and he who hath the power to carry him up the flights of stairs was welcome to him and thus the bounty of the 80s … in addition to one final exchange of equal value … a child for a child!

Incredible! So who was the ‘Dread Child?’

Um, that weird little kid with the floppy hair from ‘The Never Ending Story’, ‘Daryl’ and ‘Cocoon’

Oh yeah, that kid, what’s his name?

Like you ever knew! Who cares? Anyway, so I had to carry the little frozen f*cker up a flight of stairs! Which I did. He’s now safely in the Disney vaults and the 80s belongs to us.

What about the final exchange? Who did they want in return and why?

May all the Gods forgive me, but they wanted the young, supple body of Tori Spelling and with that, the ownership of the 1990s which, thankfully, Disney had the rights to.

NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO! Wait, I’m confused, they wanted the ‘young’ Tori Spelling though, how does that work?

We’re Disney. We have access to … certain powers of our own, now, excuse me, I have duties to attend to. The Mouse be praised.

The 19-Disney’s will be launched this summer.

NATIONAL STEVE GUTTENBERG DAY

HOLLYWOOD – The 22nd of December sees the nationwide celebration of National Steve Guttenberg Day and street parties are planned all across the US.

The Winter solstice is usually famous for inspiring John Donne poems and making everyone feel chilly, but since 1982 National Steve Guttenberg Day has shone like a beacon of hope in the National calendar, proving that even after the longest and darkest and coldest day, hope will be born anew. Celebrations are due to begin in Times Square, New York where a massive inflatable Guttenberg has been blown up by a team of volunteers. Ice sculptures of the Gutt have drawn visitors from far and wide to Fargo, North Dakota.  And later today a tiny army of microscopic Guttenbergs, who have been genetically engineered, are going to be released onto Christmas shoppers to the delight of the terrified children.

Organiser Ben Kingsley spoke to the Studio Exec:

Our aim is to raise awareness of Steve Guttenberg wherever and however we can. He was an inspiration to a whole generation of actors. You watch There Will Be Blood and ask yourself, ‘could Daniel Day Lewis have done that without Steve’s example in Three Men and a Little Lady?’ No, of course he couldn’t. Where would he have got the nerve? The technical skill.

Of course the highlight of Steve Guttenberg Day will climax with a massive firework display in San Diego, California, where Guttenberg hinself is expected to attend and where – as is traditional – he will be murdered by his own doppelgänger in a weird Golden Bough style ceremony.

For more Steve Guttenberg news CLICK HERE.