HOLLYWOOD – Actor Tom Hanks is to star in a remake of Cobra.

Tom Hanks plans to star in a remake of Sylvester Stallone’s 1988 action movie Cobra. The Castaway star told the Studio Exec that it represented a dream project for him.

I’ve always loved Sly and all his movies. When I was starting out, he was the actor I most looked up to. I kinda modelled my career on his. For instance when I did Forrest Gump, I completely based it on Rocky. The Terminal is Rambo without the explosions. And of course Dragnet was influenced by Cobra. I didn’t watch Sly’s movies: I studied them.

In Cobra Hanks plays Lieutenant Marion Cobretti, a member of the elite Zombie squad. When Los Angeles is terrorized by a White Supremacist group, the LAPD call in Cobretti – codenamed  Cobra – to help clean the streets.

Most of the time I play a liberal, nice guy. The Jimmy Stewart role. But here’s the interesting thing. When I met Jimmy Stewart we got to talking about our favourite actors. His was Jimmy Cagney. And suddenly it made sense that mine was Sly.

We asked how this cop from the 80s will fare in today’s society.

That’s what made me decide the time was ripe. With Black Lives Matter and a time of increased racial tension, we need liberals to be more aggressive. As Michelle Obama once said when they go lower, you dig a tunnel under them a blow them to the f*cking sky.

So the police brutality…?

We’re taking police brutality and using it against fascists. And anyone who doesn’t like it can suck my Da Vinci Code.

Cobra will be released in 2022.


HOLLYWOOD – Sylvester Stallone announced today that he was currently in talks to star in and direct sequels to The Wild Geese and The Wild Geese 2, British produced action films which followed the fortunes of a team of ageing mercenaries on dangerous missions in the Third World.

‘It’s going to be really easy,’ said Cobra as he likes to be known. ‘What we’re going to do is film a new title sequence and just append it to The Expendables and it’ll say The Wild Geese 3 and then to complete the quadrology will cut a new title sequence and put it in front of The Expendables 2 and that’ll will be The Wild Geese 4.’
Journalists expressed amazement that Mr Stallone had used the word ‘append’ and quizzed him about its meaning but he said, ‘That stuff about me being dumb is bull crap. I could buy you all and have you flown to China.’
The original Wild Geese featured the Richards Burton and Harris, the Roger Moore and Hardy Kreuger, would any of the old cast be joining the film?
‘I know Roger is definitely on for a cameo but Richard Burton and Richard Harris haven’t returned any of my calls or emails, which I have to say, I think is probably down to snobbery,’ said the Stop or My Mom Will Shoot star.