BLACK FRIDAY FOOTAGE FAKED

HOLLYWOOD – All major new channels have been accused of faking Black Friday footage of shoppers going crazy and fighting with each other in what is being called ‘a planned conspiracy to make the human race feel miserable about itself and buy more stuff’.

ABC, CNN, MSNBC, Fox News and other outlets apparently filmed the Black Friday footage in June using actors from the AMC series The Walking Dead as well as CGI to increase the numbers.

Media analyst Bethany Stokes told Studio Exec EXCLUSIVELY:

If you look at the footage you will see the same faces as we saw in the last few episodes of The Walking Dead. Some of them still have the zombie make up on. We know that this never actually happened because no one has actually met anyone who was involved. The only examples of this happening have been copycats, who saw the footage and believed that they needed to behave in this way as well. This is learned behavior. And then the media will film that footage as well and interweave the two.

But to what purpose? Why would these media outlets do such a thing?

People are generally happy. They realise they are lucky to be alive and to be relatively wealthy. Most people have everything they need. So the media needs to persuade people to go out and shop but not just shop; shop as if it is a part of The Hunger Games. When buying a television becomes imbued with survivalist fervor just because you save some dollars you might be more inclined to do so, even though you ahve a perfectly good television that you only bought last year at home. Plus people who are not going to be moved to copy the behavior – liberals, moralists and the like -will become so depressed they will rush out and buy Ken Loach DVDs and Noam Chomsky books to cheer themselves up. Either way the cash register is working overtime.

ABC, CNN, MSNBC and Fox News were unavailable for comment.   

MARVEL LAUNCH 24 HOUR NEWS CHANNEL

NEW YORK – Marvel have announced a new venture – a 24 hour news channel which will give EXCLUSIVE minute by minute updates and rolling coverage of everything happening in the Marvel Universe.

They began with comic books and then branched out into movie franchises such as Iron Man and The Avengers and TV shows such as Daredevil and Jessica Jones, but now Marvel are extending their reach even further with a 24 Hour news channel dedicated to reporting events in the Marvel Universe.

Former NBC Nightly News anchor Brian Williams will be heading the Marvel news team with his trademark imagination and cutting edge analysis.

Speaking EXCLUSIVELY to the Studio Exec from the Avengers’ secret base in Canada, Williams had this to say:

This is going to be a dedicated news service providing viewers with all the up to date information that they need about the goings on in the Marvel Universe. There’ll be tech news with Tony Stark, dedicated Hulk warnings and Black Widow will do the weather. Foreign correspondent Thor will give you the intergalactic news, including the latest developments in Asgard and the refugee crisis following the near destruction of Xandar. Groot will have a dedicated part of the show where he gives his critical commentary on what is going on in the world of politics and Drax the Destroyer and Rocket are double teaming for the Sports Desk.

Potentially rival stations have reacted differently. NBC wished Mr. Williams the best in a cordial statement, but CNN bitterly criticized the development, saying ‘There is no room for fictional news in the schedule.’ In contrast Fox News welcomed the new channel, saying in a statement:

Fox News has always encouraged the use of fantasy to the utmost in our reporting of the news and we can only stand back and admire the new initiative of Marvel 24 Hour News Channel. They are genuinely running with this.

The Marvel News Channel will  begin broadcasting at the end of the week.

RENEE ZELLWEGGER’S NEW FACE CAUSES MOCK HORROR

HOLLYWOOD – Renee Zellwegger’s new face came as a shock to exactly the same grubby bunch of journalists and money hungry plastic surgeon who pressure women into worshiping at the altars of eternal youth and fascistic body conformity in the first place.

Fox News invited a plastic surgeon Dr. Todd Schliffstein to speculate on what plastic surgery she has had done, if indeed she has had any. Botox he reckoned. Among other things.

CNN headlined an article ‘Is that you Renee Zellwegger?’ and compared it to the great Jennifer Grey nose disaster of 1999.

The British tabloid the Daily Mail employed the Dr. Alex Karidis, another plastic surgeon who hasn’t been employed by Renee Zellwegger but is still happy to make money off of yet more prima facie speculation blandly daubed with modal verbs to avoid legal ramifications.

Oh, dear. The mock horror, the drivel, the pointlessness.

Oh Renee, you had us at misogyny!

FLIGHT 370 SHOT DOWN BY CNN, CLAIMS FOX NEWS

NEW YORK – The Malaysian Airliner Flight 370 – the Boeing 777 that went missing on March 8 – was shot down by a CNN missile in a cynical bid to attract ratings, claimed a Fox News source last night.

The Fair and Balanced broadcaster released a report which stated:

Although we have no so-called facts as such to support this theory, we do think that it is highly suspicious that CNN’s rating increased over the last weeks as a direct result of the disappearance and that President Obama has consistently failed to call an inquiry into the missile capabilities of our rival news network: CNN. Coincidence? We don’t think so.

CNN were quick to respond, calling the accusations ‘tasteless and totally unfounded in reality’ to which Fox anchor Brit Hume replied ‘We know you are, what am I?’ 

Fox News will be destroying one of the seven wonders of the world sometime next week.