THE MATRIX RESURRECTIONS PLOT LEAKS

MOVIE NEWS – With the release of the first trailer for Lana Wachowski’s 4th Matrix film comes the inevitable, as The Matrix Resurrections plot leaks online. Hackers have gained access to Warner Bros final shooting script and the details are staggering. The Matrix Resurrections plot leaks will turn not only your rabbit, but also your shit white.

The Matrix Resurrections Plot Leaks Feel Weirdly Familiar

The Exec has read the script. And even after reading it, this is all we could figure out. We join Neo in a new reality where he is now known as John Wick. For years he has been an international super assassin with a soft spot for dogs. But now he’s in retirement… and therapy with Dr. Doogie Howser. Mirrors are now portals our hero can walk through. So there’s that.

Oh Jeez, Don’t Even Trip Dawg

Talking of portals, a strange Doctor with a weird child sidekick arrives through a green portal, claiming to be the smartest being in the Universe, but he disappears halfway through for an annoying mid-season break. So we’re back with Neo-sorry- John Wick (it’s confusing when they have the same hair). And he bumps into Trinity, although she isn’t and doesn’t recognize him. And he isn’t, and doesn’t either. So that’s all clear.

Crash, Bang, Zoom

And then shit starts exploding and there’s punching and kicking in bullet time. And The Matrix is now the hotel for assassins run by Lovejoy from Deadwood. There’s a really important Macguffin in one of the rooms. It’s really mysterious and wrapped up in pseudo-eastern philosophy. It’s like Sun Tzu rewriting Cloud Atlas filtered through Ayn Rand. This stuff is so convoluted, they had to get that friggin’ douche, The Architect back just to explain this stuff to justify blowing up a helicopter. We don’t care, just blow the fucking helicopter up. But don’t panic. Neo still says ‘Woah’ at least once every reel. And he still knows Kung Fu.

The Matrix Resurrections Is Released In December, And We Can’t Wait

HUGH GRANT CAN ACT

HOLLYWOOD – The world of showbusiness is reeling following revelations that Hugh Grant can act.

Four Weddings and a Funeral star Hugh Grant was accused yesterday of being able to act. The news came following the airing of the HBO Max series The Undoing, in which Grant stars alongside Nicole Kidman. Initially, sources close to the star denied the rumors. Reynard Maspensa Grant’s agent of over fifty years issued the following statement:

Reports circulating that my client can act are a cruel fabrication. You only have to watch Nine Months or Mickey Blue Eyes to know there is not a crumb of truth to these assertions. Instead, Mr Grant while filming the series The Undoing was on a pain medication for his back, a condition he has suffered from for many years. And a side effect of this medicine does lend a certain verite to performance which was entirely unintended.

Fans were at first unbelieving. Then angry. Billy Mopes, President of the fan club Grant Approval, told the Exec:

I couldn’t believe it. All my life I’ve dedicated myself to watching movies in whcih Hugh Grant barely musters the energy to act like he wants to be there. And now what’s this? He’s playing a character? It goes totally against what his many fans – Barry and Marie – want. Some are saying this is not as bad as Cloud Atlas, but it’s much worse. Cloud Atlas was at least a bad movie. This is actually quite good.

We asked Hugh Grant for comment but he headbutted me and kicked me down three flights of stairs at his waterfront residence in Malibu.

The Undoing is on HBO Max.

BEN WHISHAW OPENS UP ABOUT HIS FEAR OF SHARKS

HOLLYWOOD – Talented British actor Ben Whishaw is absolutely terrified of Sharks, he revealed to the Studio Exec today.

Although his hi-tech boffin Q is preparing to arm James Bond in the upcoming Spectre, British actor Ben Whishaw has confessed to an irrational phobia of sharks. He popped round to the Studio Exec Penthouse to explain himself more fully.

Ever since I was a child, I’ve been morbidly terrified of sharks. If I’m in the ocean swimming and I say the tell tale dorsal fin of a Great White, or a Hammerhead Shark coming in my direction, I don’t know what’s the matter with me. I just begin to shake and my heart starts to race and I get this irresistible urge to get out of the water.

That’s terrible. What do you think caused it?

When I was a child, we would always go on beach holidays to Cornwall, first with my family and then with an elderly aunt. I was swimming with my brother and he started to make the music from Jaws, with his mouth. Du-num, du-num etc. You know John Williams. Of course it kind of freaked me out but just then a shark swam up from the depths and took his leg off below the knee. I don’t know if it was that, or perhaps it was the music but ever since then I’ve really felt uncomfortable being in the water while sharks swim near me.

The 35 year old actor first came to prominence as the poet Keats in Jane Campion’s Bright Star. Since then he has had roles in Cloud Atlas, The Danish Girl and most famously as Q in Skyfall. However, he hasn’t let his debilitating phobia effect his career.

The thing is there are roles I would have to turn down. Sharknado for instance. But even then I hear they use CGI sharks and I’m not at all scared of them at all. I mean they can’t hurt you, can they?

How about socially in Hollywood? How does it feel to be openly sharkphobic?

Elasmophobia is the technical term, but I feel fine about it. Once I opened up about my problem, I was amazed by the flood of support and messages that came from many people who suffer from the same fear. It turns out that almost everybody in Hollywood is elasmophobic except for Gary Busey. There are groups that meet and talk about it and there are even therapists who get you to confront your fears and swim with the sharks, but I don’t think I’m ready for that.

Spectre will be released on 5 November, 2015.

THE NATION OBSERVES THE MATRIX MEMORIAL DAY

HOLLYWOOD – In school rooms, senate houses and post offices across the country a minute’s silence is to be held for the first time in respect and grief for Matrix Memorial Day.

At eleven o’clock this morning, television stations will interrupt their broadcasts, trains and buses will halt by the side of the road and the internet just will be slow working as everyone in America and in many places across the globe bow their heads in sad contemplation and weary meditation, thinking back to the years when The Matrix trilogy was released.

Rep. Ted Billingsgate, who was one of the signatories of the Bill which saw The Matrix Memorial Day signed into law, spoke EXCLUSIVELY to the Studio Exec:

There have been bad films in the past. Some really terrible films. One only has to think of Battlefield Earth, or Meet the Fockers, but what makes The Matrix Trilogy such a trauma for our nation is that the first one was really good. Coming in the same year as The Phantom Menace it salved some of the wounds left fresh by the prequel. There was hope that a new saga would rise from the ashes of the old. And then came The Matrix Reloaded. Oh boy!

Cultural psychologist Peter Ashcroft argues:

Released in 2000, The Matrix Reloaded is widely regarded as more psychologically damaging than the death of a family member. After all, with some of our family we simply don’t get on. In the space it took to watch that film, hopes were dashed and many resorted to alcohol and drug abuse to ease the pain. And the came The Matrix: Revolutions.

It is hoped that Matrix Memorial Day will help many to overcome the deep and bitter memories of those films, but there has been some controversy over the effectiveness of the legislation. Political activist and world famous linguist, Noam Chomsky wrote in a recent article for the New York Times:

It is all very well pausing for a moment in communal thought, stopping our lives and so forth, but I would remind you that the Wachowskis have never faced trial, never been brought to account in any way and although following The Matrix Reloaded there were many well meaning voices declaring, as with one voice, NEVER AGAIN, they have been allowed to make not only Speed Racer but also Cloud Atlas and perhaps most damning of all Jupiter Ascending.

However, despite such voices of dissent regarding the extent of The Matrix Memorial Day, no voice has been raised in defence of the sequels and even the original film has been blamed as ‘an enabler’.

The Matrix Memorial Day will see services across the country and a minute’s silence observed at 11 am, EST.

WARNER BROS DENY MAKING JUPITER ASCENDING

HOLLYWOOD – Having pushed the release date of the new Wachowski Siblings feature Jupiter Ascending seven months from July to February, 2015, Warner Bros announced today that it had never heard of the Mila Kunis and Channing Tatum Science Fiction action film.

Continue reading “WARNER BROS DENY MAKING JUPITER ASCENDING”

JIM STURGESS CONFESSES: ‘I CAME TO FIX THE PHOTOCOPIER’

HOLLYWOOD – British actor Jim Sturgess star of 21, Across the Universe and Cloud Atlas admitted today that he was not actually an actor but had actually arrived at the studio to fix the photocopier but had gone through the wrong door.

The One Day star told Studio Exec:

You know what it’s like. I was too embarrassed to explain and before I knew it I’d already been cast in a detective series called A Touch of Frost. I tried to go home and just carry on my life but it was impossible. TV show after TV show, so I moved to Los Angeles because I knew they had photocopiers there and they would need fixing. 

But surely you knew that was where they made films?

I know this is going to sound naive but I thought Hollywood was a totally different place. I didn’t even put two and two together until I was already in LA and I saw this huge sign on the hill and I thought ‘that’s strange that they’ve got a replica of the Hollywood sign here in Los Angeles’. But of course it wasn’t a replica.

So what happened?

I got a call that the toner was running out too fast at Warner Bros and would I check it out. Next thing I know I’m standing next to Kevin Spacey, learning to play cards.   

Why didn’t you tell them you didn’t want to be in films?

To begin with the money is quite a bit better than in fixing photocopiers and there’s a certain ‘glamour’ that comes with being in films. Plus I was waiting for them to find me out. I didn’t even try to ‘act’. I thought, what’s the point? The guys from the photocopy repair shop will be here in a minute and everything will be resolved. What I didn’t know is they had all jumped in a car and were driving so fast towards the studio that they got into a massive accident and died burning in gasoline trapped in twisted metal, as my co-stars fed me hors d’oeurves.  

What are your plans now?

First it’s a real weight off to just come clean. I feel like people have been going to see me expecting an ‘actor’, but now I can still be in films but the audience can judge me by a totally different yardstick. 

So you’re not going back to photocopy repair?

No.

Please.

No. 

Electric Slide will be released later this year.

CLOUD ATLAS 2 ‘WON’T MAKE ANY SENSE EITHER’

BERLIN – Following on from the massive commercial and critical success of Cloud Atlas a sequel was almost inevitable and so it has proved with the Wachowski siblings and Tom Twyker announcing their follow up Cloud Dictionary to be filmed in 68 different countries over a time span of 5 million years and featuring Tom Hanks in 28 different roles.

Lana Wachowski – credited by many as the brains behind Speed Racer – outlined their plans for the film:

With the original film we were constrained by David Mitchell’s novel which although experimental in structure and broad in scope didn’t really allow for the revolutionary view of cinema we have in mind. With Cloud Dictionary, we look forward to making the intertwining narratives more numerous and the make up less and less realistic.   

Tom Twyker added that ‘the music will once more be the best thing in it. And is really the only reason I agreed to do the film.’ 

Tom Hanks will again star, as will Halle Berry and Hugo Weaving both of whom issued statements saying they’ve been finding it difficult to get work lately. Ben Wishaw however will not reprise his role(s) due to a prior commitment ‘to be in good films.’ 

Cloud Dictionary is due for release in 2015. 

TOM HANKS INTRODUCES FORREST HUMP TO STUNNED NATION

Forest Hump

NEW YORK – The new Tom Hanks rap alter ego “Forrest Hump” was introduced to the viewers of Good Morning America as he ranted and raged, swearing like a navvy who has just cut off his thumb. Sporting what he later described as a “Fuck you” moustache, Hanks made salacious comments about the TV presenter Elizabeth Vargas, who tried to distract him from his rap career by asking him about his role as an actor in Cloud Atlas. But Hanks just used that moment as an excuse to spray liquid profanity from his face hole, only pretending sarcastically to have made a mistake. “There’s going to be a seven second delay next time I’m on.”, he said, sniggering and groping his own groin.

Hanks behaviour has become increasingly unhinged since he launched himself into the rap world with his first Rap single as “Forrest Hump”, his foul mouthed libidinous alter ego.


Publicist Brian Ryan said, “This is a classic moment we publicists call the ‘Bergman pivot’. You change everyone’s perceptions of you in one fell swoop. Ingrid Bergman did it by running off with Italian film director, Roberto Rosselini, and Hanks has done it by potty mouthing Vargas on GMA.”

Read more about Hanks’ burgeoning music career by clicking here.

JUDE LAW’S SECRET CLOUD ATLAS ROLE

TORONTO – Anticipation gave way to bafflement when the hugely ambitious Cloud Atlas showed at Toronto earlier in September, but it still has some surprises left including a secret performance by ‘actor’ Jude Law.

The multi-narrative epic spans centuries and genres from nineteenth century period drama to modern day thrillers and finally science fiction craziness. Actors Tom Hanks, Halle Berry and Hugh Grant play multiple characters who even change race as they fit into each segment but one surprise has been left until last and that is the inclusion of Jude Law. He isn’t on the cast list, or the credit roll, but all the same Mr Law is on screen and – like Hanks and Berry – he too plays more than one role, but you can be forgiven for missing him.

 His performance is being acclaimed as a career best, but the humble Mr. Law shrugs it off. ‘I’m just playing myself,’ the Alfie star demurs. ‘It was easy.’

Cloud Atlas 2 is due for release in 2016