Dear George


I feel I’m being pigeon-holed. For years now I’ve played some of the greatest roles in cinematic history. I’m the envy of all my peers, every director wants to work with me and I’m probably the greatest actor of our time. The thing is what I really want to do is star in a Farrelly Brothers movie but they never send me their scripts and refuse to answer my calls. What should I do?
Daniel D. L.

Dear Daniel

I hear you brother but I’m afraid you may never get to fulfil your dream. The price of greatness is that people expect you to be consistently great. Anything less than a perfect performance in a worthy historical epic or political drama and the press will claim that you’re on the slide. Sure you want to spend a month playing the lead in a rom-com about two blind Siamese twins who accidentally have sex with their mother. Who doesn’t?
I’ve chased countless roles that I really wanted but lately I’m always losing out to either Jason Bateman or Jason Sudeikis. Hall Pass, Horrible Bosses, Movie 43. I campaigned for parts in all of them but I never got a look in. Hell I begged Seth Gordon on my hands and knees to give me the lead in Four Christmases but he said “F*ck you Clooney. I want Vince Vaughn.”.
The constant rejection is tough Dan and people just don’t understand. They think just because you’re constantly winning awards, working with talented directors and gaining the respect and admiration of every living soul that you’ll feel fulfilled!
I think it’s high time we both accepted that we will never get the roles we really want. Though saying that, I know that every time I catch Hot Tub Time Machine 2 on TV I’ll shed a tear and remember the day when the director laughed in my face at the audition, tore up my resume and gave the part to Adam Scott.
Some wounds never heal Daniel. Some wounds never heal…


Dear George

I recently refused to promote a film I starred in because, in my opinion, the scenes of graphic violence are excessive and in light of recent gun tragedies I can no longer endorse any film which might inspire somebody to endanger the life of another human being. This is not a decision I have taken lightly and it would mean a lot to me George if you agreed with this course of action.



Dear Jim

I sympathise and totally understand why you made your decision but NIGGA IZ YOU CRAZY!?

Sure, people get inspired to shoot their next door neighbour in the balls after watching Robocop. No doubt about it. But the vast majority of these crazy bastards would chop up their girlfriends because they read it in the phone directory or get inspired by the talking pastrami sandwich they claim is ordering them to disembowel their grandmothers. Some folks are just dry roasted nuts. Sure, there will be an explanation for it. Childhood neglect, bullying, a blow to the head or a bad cocktail of brain chemicals and that’s all very sad but the fact remains that these cats could go loco if the wind changed direction never mind during a matinee showing of The Running Man. 

Believe it or not but we live in the most non-violent period in human history and sure, people shouldn’t be allowed access to guns and munitions but neither should governments and as long as one guy in the world has a pistol, a knife or a sharp wooden stick, there is always going to be someone who thinks they need a weapon to defend themselves from that guy. I admire the social conscience Jim, but how’s about you come down from Mount Sinai and you and me co-star in that remake of Code Name: Wild Geese that we’ve always talked about.


Dear George

I have an army of crazed fans who stalk me on Twitter. They regard me as a Christlike figure who they worship without question. That’s fine. I mean, I am pretty amazing but I keep getting these private messages asking me if I can send them some tear drops to resurrect their dead pets and many are convinced that my underarm sweat is the only known cure for cancer. I also get requests from women and bizarrely, a few men who want me to send them a vial of my seed so they can impregnate themselves. It’s all a bit much and I’m seriously considering closing my account. You’re a man of the world George, what should I do?

                                                                                                                                          T Hiddleston 

Dear Tom

If I had a dollar for every letter I’ve received asking for a jar of my semen I’d be a billionaire. I’m afraid fluid requests just go with the territory and in my experience, I think it’s best to just send them what they want. This can be difficult of course I remember Julia Roberts was inundated with mail asking for a sample of breast milk after her pregnancy. She did her best to accommodate everyone but after a few months she had extremely sore nipples and her own child was suffering from malnourishment. These days I keep a guy on staff who does all that for me and although it’s not really my blood or my spit, the recipient is none the wiser.  I mean there must be at least a 1000 women who think they have inseminated themselves with my sperm and that makes them happy. Little do they know the real father of their offspring is an illiterate former abattoir worker from Warsaw.


Dear George

I’d like to thank you for being executive producer on ARGO. I’m having to build a new shelf in my house because I’ve won so many awards and I’m really overwhelmed by all the critical respect I’ve been getting. I don’t suppose you have any other projects in the pipeline that I can take all the glory for?

Ben   A

Dear Ben

Go f*ck yourself.


Dear George

I have recently revealed to the public that I am a practising Lesbian. I feel a weight has been lifted off my shoulders but unfortunately I have another weight that is proving more difficult to shake. Basically George it’s like this. Can you find my friend Mel Gibson a job?

Jodie F

Dear Jodie

First let me first congratulate you for coming out of the closet. I’m a Lesbi-fan, so to speak and I have many close friends who share your lust for female flesh. That being said I’m not keen on the one’s who choose not to shave. I fully appreciate that they are perfectly within their rights to do with their body whatever they like, but the fact of the matter is a woman with facial hair makes me want to take off my left shoe and vomit in it until every nutrient has been expelled from my body. As for dear old Mel I know the manager of my local In and Out Burger so I’ll put in a good word. I don’t think he’d have him front of house but he’s always on the look out for somebody to do the fries.


Dear George

I think my husband is having an affair. He’s getting very close to a woman he is currently working with and coming home late acting shifty. What should I do?

Jennifer A

Dear Jennifer 

Sorry It’s taken seven years to reply to this letter it had fallen down the back of the sideboard. It’s a moot point now but what I would have said is have an affair with me to make him jealous. We can still have one if you like I’m free this Tuesday afternoon between 2.30pm and 3.15pm. Fax me.

Dear George

I recently made a faux par at the Golden Globes by making a joke about Meryl Streep. Now everybody thinks I’m an idiot and I’m afraid it will effect my career. What should I do?
                                                                                                                                                                                                          Jennifer L                                     
Dear Jennifer

Wow two Jennifer’s in one day. Reminds me of that yachting holiday off the coast of Sicily in 2002. Anyway Jennifer L I wouldn’t worry. Meryl has a eccentric sense of humour and any rom-com lover worth their tissues knew you were simply quoting from The First Wives Club. You’re young, attractive and bound for glory. Though if you do end up in a situation were your career is flagging we could always have an affair.

Dear George

I’m a married man but recently I’ve been getting very close to a woman I’ve been working with. My wife keeps asking me why I’m acting shifty and I don’t have the heart to tell her. What should I do?

Brad P

Dear Brad 

Again I have to apologise for not replying to this sooner but it wound up in the same place as Jennifer A’s cry for help. I hope things worked out and you didn’t do anything rash like make Oceans 12. I had a friend in a similar situation and the way he got through it was to drink a bottle of Wild Turkey and go bear hunting. He was eaten by a bear but at least his relationship problems were solved. Perhaps being devoured by a grizzly isn’t for you so if you’re still feeling low. Jump in your car, race on over to my place and let’s me and you have a good old fashioned affair.