KEVIN SMITH’S BEARD: THE INTERVIEW

After a recent public parting of ways, Kevin Smith’s beard sat down with The Studio Exec to discuss his past relationship with Smith and his plans for the future.

How did you feel about Kevin posting that picture on Instagram?

Well, you know. I can’t really say I didn’t see it coming. We haven’t been getting along for a while and I think we both knew it was time for a change.

But to do it on a public forum, surely you must be disappointed?

Look, I admit it was a shock at first but I think it’s for the best. I feel like I’ve been living in his shadow and not getting the credit I deserved.

So it’s true that you directed Clerks?

I don’t think we need to go there. It was a long time ago.

That’s not a denial.

Yeah. Well at the time I regarded it as a collaborative effort but looking back, I put a few more hours in than Kevin.

So you did direct it?

F*ck man, you’re relentless. Okay, fine, I directed Clerks.

All I’m saying is if I was in your position I’d be pretty pissed off.

I am pissed off. I’m pissed off every waking minute of every f*cking hour. I’m the forgotten man of the movie business and that’s hard to live with. I don’t begrudge Kevin, I couldn’t have done it without him but now, now it’s time to make my own way.

Sorry, I don’t mean to be funny but did you say you’re the “forgotten man” of the movie business.

I did. What’s the issue?

Well, you’re not a man. You’re a beard.

What are you trying to do to me bro? If you want me to cry I’ll f*cking cry.

That won’t be necessary. So, what are your plans for the future?

I’m going on holiday to Cancun with my lady for a couple of weeks to relax then I’ve got a meeting with John Travolta.

Travolta? Are you two thinking of working on a movie together?

To be honest I’m not sure. I was at a party at Billy Crystal’s house and Joe Pesci told me that Travolta was having marital problems with Kelly Preston and that he was looking for a new beard. I don’t know how the two things are related but hey, work is work.

KEVIN SMITH’S PAC-MAN MOVIE IS OFFICIALLY CANCELLED


Paramount announced this morning that Kevin Smith‘s adaptation of the classic 80’s arcade game Pac-Man has ceased pre-production.
We were weeks away from shooting,’ said a studio insider:

But then somebody upstairs accidentally read the script thinking it was a copy of Forbes magazine and the call came to stop everything. Kevin was really distraught, I mean like crying snot bubbles distraught. To be honest it was a sorry, and occasionally stomach churning, sight.

Smith has spent two years working on the movie and last month in a interview with Ain’t it Cool he claimed this was going to be his ‘Best work to date’, but the studio insider disagrees.

Nobody had really bothered reading it as he was doing it for less than 2 million which was Reese Witherspoon’s bar tab last month. As the end of pre-production approached, I read it and it was terrible. Basically, it was Clerks 3 but they dressed Silent Bob up as Pac-Man and the rest of the cast put sheets on their heads and chased him around the convenience store for 2 hours whilst he ate Twinkies. That was bad enough but in other places it was just vulgar. At one point Pac-Man slips into a diabetic coma and Jay fellates him to wake him up but that doesn’t work so they all urinate on him whilst talking about which dead celebrity they’d like to fist f*k. This was supposed to be a kids’ movie for Christ sake!

According to renown critic Peter Travers, obscenity was not Smith’s only crime.

I heard that in one scene Pac-Man implies that he’s Catholic which wouldn’t be so bad if he wasn’t murdered by the ghosts in the third act only to be resurrected by the ‘Coins of God’ in the 4th. Hollywood just won’t commission anything they consider to be Christian propaganda. So it just goes to show if he’d written Pac-Man as a Jew, the cameras might be rolling as we speak.

KEVIN SMITH SHOCK: ‘I RETIRE’

Brain Freeze



TEXAS – Kevin Smith – ‘film’ ‘director’ and ‘actor’ – has blown the world of social media to smithereens with his news that he is going to retire after he has finished making Clerks 3. The reaction was instantaneous and almost unanimous. Abelard Haverland wrote in The New York Times: ‘Why can’t he retire before he makes Clerks 3?’
The director first came to prominence twenty years ago with the original Clerks movie, a low key, semi-funny black and white indie Miramax film. Since then his films have ranged from the awful Jersey Girl to the fucking awful Cop Out, with the occasional exception that only goes to annoy everyone more because it proves that Smith is not a complete turd.

Smith recently posted the title page of his screenplay to Clerks 3 commenting that it looks like his best film ever. Coming from someone else this might be dismissed as shameless self-promotion, but from Kevin Smith it’s just evidence that the post was genuinely from Kevin Smith.