LIAM NEESON AND ALEC BALDWIN SOLVE WOMEN

HOLLYWOOD – Liam Neeson and Alec Baldwin have stepped in and solved women.

The world breathed a sigh of relief last night after news broken that Liam Neeson and Alec Baldwin had got together and solved women.

Alec Baldwin spoke EXCLUSIVELY to the Studio Exec:

It was looking a bit tricky back there. Lots of people were wondering how it was going to pan out. There’s the #MeToo movement and then there’s also #TimesUp. And what’s going on with Kevin Spacey and Woody Allen and Aziz Anzari. Luckily though I had a big think about it and I worked it all out.

Liam Neeson added:

Women are very complicated creatures. Some would say they’re deadlier than the male. But statistics actually prove that isn’t the case. It’s a myth.

What qualifies you to solve women?

LN: I have a particular set of skills.

AB: I was good on 30 Rock. And I’ve played Donald Trump to huge acclaim.

But that isn’t…?

LN: I was Zeus for crying out loud. Of course I can do it. I commanded a battleship in that film… what was it?

AB: Battleship?

LN: The A Team I think it was.

Is there a risk that a pair of privileged white men talking about this issue lack authority?

LN: You have to ask why are we privileged?

AB: Maybe we know something you don’t know.

LN: I, for instance, have a particular set of skills.

You keep saying that. But aren’t you worried people will think you are condescending? Maybe even misogynistic?

AB: How can I be misogynistic? I love women.

LN: When my daughter — DAUGHTER — was kidnapped, I not only found her, I killed about thirty guys. Then my wife and daughter – both of them women, you’ll note – got kidnapped again, I killed about thirty. I must admit the third time they tried to kidnap my wife I was thinking, how come the silly bitch keeps getting kidnapped? But I still avenged her death, with more violence.

Commuter is in cinemas. I don’t know what Alec Baldwin is doing.

SAM WORTHINGTON TO BE IN ANOTHER FILM

HOLLYWOOD – News hit the internet today that Sam Worthington was going to star in another film.

The film will have a title, a director and a script as well as other actors who will play alongside Sam Worthington. A producing partnership have already said how exciting the project is, despite the fact Sam Worthington is going to be in it.

An industry watcher spoke EXCLUSIVELY to the Studio Exec about the development:

This is going to be a very bad year. If rumors are true Orlando Bloom has been defrosted from carbonite and is being made supple in preparation for Pirates of the Caribbean 5. The news that Sam Worthington is also free and roaming the studio system is too much to believe. I remember the old days when directors and producers employed actors in films.

The Brit-born Australian actor Sam Worthington has appeared in Terminator Salvation, Drift and Man on a Ledge. Worthington has so far left no comment about his forthcoming film except to say that he was ‘delighted to be working’.

There had been fears/hopes that Worthington had been deleted by James Cameron following the filming of Avatar, but Worthington went on to appear in Clash of the Titans and Wrath of the Titans but it is hoped that his new film won’t have the word “Titan” in the title.

Titan will be released in 2017.

THE PHANTOM MENU: THE LIAM NEESON COOKBOOK

The Phantom Menu: The Liam Neeson Cookbook is released today. Written by the Michael Collins star, Liam Neeson, every recipe is connected to a film that the The Big Man has appeared in by a dubious pun.

The Studio Exec met Mr Neeson in his Hollywood kitchen where -surrounded by a film crew – he walked us through the dishes included in the book. ‘I’ve always liked food,’ Neeson said. ‘I like cooking it, I like preparing it and I like eating it. What’s wrong with that?’
Nothing.

Good. Because I travel with work there are a lot of different nationalities. For instance, we have here the Bavarian themed Schnitzel’s List, a lightly bread crumbed chicken breast fried it butter and rosemary. What do you think? 

Neeson offered me a forkful and I tasted it. ‘Delicious!’
Each plate was arranged like a work of art.

And here we have the traditional English Steak and Kinsey Pie with Battle Chips. For the fish lover, I have The A Bream and Cod Roy and for the daring The Grey.

Steak and Kinsey Pie

The slab of thick meat quivers under a drizzle of olive oil. That wouldn’t be..?

It’s wolf.

Right.

Taste it.

I’m not sure…

Taste it.

Delicious.

Dark Ham, Hash of the Titans and Lamb.

Lamb? What’s the pun? I mean it’s… lamb.

I was in a film called LambBut you know I don’t just like eating in, sometimes I get tired of cooking. And do you know what I say?

Let’s get a Taken Away?

That was my fucking joke.

Oh sorry.
Neeson hangs his head and looks desperately unhappy. Then he walks out of the room. He doesn’t come back and after forty minutes I decide it would be better if I left. 

The Phantom Menu: The Liam Neeson Cook Book is available from all good book shops and the proceeds will be added to those of the A Team, Taken and Taken 2, all of which sit in Liam Neeson’s bank accounts.

SAM WORTHINGTON DELETED

HOLLYWOOD – The film industry was in mourning today as news came in that ‘actor’ Sam Worthington had been deleted, when the memory stick he was stored on was accidentally/on  purpose snapped by Avatar director James Cameron.

Sam Worthington was initially written as company for S1mone the star of the eponymous 2002 Andrew Nichols film starring Al Pacino. When S1mone committed suicide a year later, James Cameron took custody of Worthington and a friendship began. Although Worthington was too artificial an intelligence to act convincingly with other humans, he was perfect in Avatar. However, as his star rose, he insisted on being treated like a real human being and even tried his hand at roles such as Perseus in the Clash of the Wrath of the Titans and A Man on a Ledge. Despite these brave attempts, Worthington never quite got the emotional depth required for playing human beings. 

Despite the fact that James Cameron has claimed to have purposefully destroyed Worthington (Click Here for that story), other sources told the Studio Exec that Cameron sat down when had the memory stick in his back pocket and broke it with his ass.

Avatar 2 will be out in 2017.  

LITIGATION OF THE TITANS SET FOR JULY RELEASE

HOLLYWOOD  – Following the massive commercial and intellectual success of Clash of the Titans and Wrath of the Titans which changed the conversation of the world and some say lead indirectly to the electoral victory of Barack Obama, a sequel to complete the trilogy was inevitable and so it has been said and so it will be so, with Litigation of the Titans set for a Summer release.

Director David Mamet says that the latest instalment sees hero Perseus played by ‘actor’ Sam Worthington, leaving Greek law school under Pericles (Bill Nighy) when his horse Pegasus is involved in an accident involving uptight Head of Faculty Draconian (Sam Neill).

‘This is a real change of direction,’ Homicide director, Mamet whispered. ‘We’ve had Krakens and Zeus and all sorts of nonsense, but I thought let’s go in a different direction, less mythology and more miffed-ology.’

Sam Worthington grinned, ‘It’s great because under David I don’t have to do any “acting” as such. I just say shit like objection, and side bar.’

But won’t there be less drama?

No, not at all. Because there really are some interesting by laws that have been infringed and the set piece about precedents is breath taking,especially in 3D.


Litigation of the Titans will be released in 2014.

LITIGATION OF THE TITANS SET FOR JULY RELEASE

Sam Worthington

HOLLYWOOD  – Following the massive commercial and intellectual success of Clash of the Titans and Wrath of the Titans which changed the conversation of the world and some say lead indirectly to the electoral victory of Barack Obama, a sequel to complete the trilogy was inevitable and so it has been said and so it will be so, with Litigation of the Titans set for a Summer release.
Director David Mamet says that the latest instalment sees hero Perseus played by ‘actor’ Sam Worthington, leaving Greek law school under Pericles (Bill Nighy) when his horse Pegasus is involved in an accident involving uptight Head of Faculty Draconian (Sam Neill).

‘This is a real change of direction,’ Homicide director, Mamet whispered. ‘We’ve had Krakens and Zeus and all sorts of nonsense, but I thought let’s go in a different direction, less mythology and more miffed-ology.’

Sam Worthington grinned, ‘It’s great because under David I don’t have to do any “acting” as such. I just say shit like objection, and side bar.’

But won’t there be less drama?
No, not at all. Because there really are some interesting by laws that have been infringed and the set piece about precedents is breath taking,especially in 3D.

Litigation of the Titans will be released in 2014.