HOLLYWOOD – Tom Cruise is to try and leave the Church of Scientology for the plot of Mission Impossible 6.

Director Christopher McQuarrie says that Mission Impossible 6 will be the first documentary in the series.

Every time we made a Mission Impossible film, Tom was always frustrated that the films never lived up to the title. The Mission was always possible even though it was called Mission Impossible. So we sat down and talked about what would be really impossible. Which was when David Miscavige telephoned and a light bulb when off in my head. What if we filmed Tom trying to leave the Church of Scientology? Impossible you say? Exactly!

 Employing a skeleton crew, Cruise will go on the run from his handlers early in the New Year and hopes to be classified as a Suppressive Person shortly thereafter. Then it will be his mission to some how stay out despite everything the church can do. McQuarrie says they don’t have a chance:

Tom really believes this stuff so I think we’re in for a really bumpy ride. But at least we’ll live up to the title on the poster for once.

Mission Impossible 6 will be released in 2018.


HOLLYWOOD – Sir Edwin Fluffer once again delves into his personal memoirs – soon to be published as ‘Not THAT Kind of Fluffer!!!’ – to recall King Kong.

After Hedda Hopper every actor’s worst enemy is typecasting. 

I lost count of the number of friends who enjoyed a big hit only to see their careers go straight down the lavatory never to work again. Just look at King Kong.  Don’t get me wrong, he thoroughly enjoyed all the trappings of his success, the mansion house, the fast car, the women, but deep down I think he would’ve swapped the lot for another shot at the big time. 
We all tried our hardest for him, but nothing seemed to work out. Chuck Laughton managed to wangle him a few days on Mutiny on the Bounty, but King got seasick and it affected him quite badly. He kept climbing to the top of the mast and swatting at the seagulls as they flew past and in the end they had to let him go. 

It was a similar story on Casablanca. Every time Bogie tried to say goodbye to Ingrid Bergman at the airport King would run in, pick her up, and start attacking the plane. For me his finest performance will always be when he played Rod Steiger in In The Heat Of The Night. The Academy Award was the industry’s way of saying thank you for trying, but by then his best years were behind him. He saw out his last days on the golf course with Bing Crosby, and although there was some talk of an album of duets I don’t believe that anything ever came of it. He read for the Cookie Monster on Sesame Street and roles like that, but by then he’d got mixed up with the Scientologists and there was a furious row with Big Bird about his addiction to prescription painkillers. 
But that’s another story…


Hey!? My name is Tom Cruise.

You probably know me best from Tropic Thunder and Vanilla Sky
Perhaps you’ve seen me on YouTube and you’ve certainly read a bunch of articles about my divorce and who I am and what I supposedly believe, making me out to be one great big nut bag.

Well, I’m here today to tell you what I actually matter of factually believe. So let’s go.

First of all I believe that everyone is equally capable of achieving perfection. I believe that only some people do actually make that choice. I believe that when I drive past a car accident, I am the most qualified person to intervene. Even if there is an ambulance crew and paramedics and doctors and things, I push them aside and say, ‘My name is Tom Cruise, how can I help?’

I believe that celery has more water content than actual water.
I believe Cameron Diaz is the finest comedienne of our and any other generation.
I believe John Travolta can and should fly air planes, though I’ve never been in one myself.
I believe ladies look good in dark charcoal suits. With their hair slicked back. And no make up.
I believe modern psychiatry and the pharmaceutical industry are in cahoots trying to brain wash vulnerable people and drain them of their money with their hogwash and bullshit.
And yes. I believe in the Church of Scientology.
I believe it is a church and not a cult. We have bigger rooms than a cult would have.
I believe a forty year old jumping up and down on furniture on prime time television is an adorable sign of joie di vivre and puppy love and not a sign of crack smoking.

I believe people in Ireland actually talk like that.
I believe if a man concentrates hard enough he can make stuff move around with his brain flappers.
I believe confidently and totally that the next James Bond should and will be Tom Cruise.
I believe I would have made a great Han Solo.
And finally I believe strawberries are the only fruit to have seeds on the outside and if that doesn’t tell us a very important lesson, then you haven’t been listening to a goddamn word I’ve been saying.

Thank you.


HOLLYWOOD – Following Alex Gibney’s documentary Going Clear, Hollywood’s leading exponents of the Church of Scientology have called for the church’s status as a religion to be rescinded and replaced with an official recognition on the part of the federal government as a ‘cult’.

‘It’s a move Scientology has been considering for some time,’ said Giovanni Ribisi. ‘We were looking around at the Catholic church and the Muslims and what not and we thought, jeez, maybe being a cult is sexier!’


John Travolta also added his voice to the cause. ‘Nothing much will change,’ said the Looks Who’s Talking 2 star. ‘You still get to believe in crazy shit, but we don’t have to pretend to be normal anymore, which frankly has been a strain.’
However, former Scientologist Paul Haggis believes that the move from religion back to cult will change very little in the organisation. ‘They’ve tried this before,’ said the Crash director. ‘This is an organisation that recruited Charlie Manson as an attempt to improve its PR, for Hubbard’s sake.’
The move is believed to have come following a viewing by church leaders of the Alex Gibney HBO documentary, Going Clear which aired  last Sunday. An anonymous source said:
We all sat and watched the film and when it was over there was this silence. It was eerie and then a voice said from the dark, ‘F*ck it, let’s just be cult.’ And that’s what was decided.
We will keep you up to date as this story develops.


SALINAS – Scientologist and ‘star’ of Cheers, Look Who’s Talking 2 and Fat Actress, Kirstie Alley was honored today at a small civic ceremony in Salinas, California where a narrow road between a disused cinema and a 7-11 was dedicated to the comedienne.

An emotional Ms. Alley commented:

Is this some kind of joke? This is ridiculous. I was told I was being honored with the key of the town or something. You Goddam assholes! I’m gonna rip you all a new one. Get out of my way!

Stopping only to fire her PA and punch Salinas major, Joe Gunter in the crotch sack, Alley then leapt into her car and sped off, leaving the small crowd that had gathered to shrug and mutter about knowing that was going to happen and what are you going to expect.

The Kirstie Alley joins the town historic center which includes a 21 Jump Street and a Chinatown in honor of other Hollywood greats.  


CAMBRIDGE – Hugh Grant – media activist, friend to the tabloids and ‘actor’ – has announced plans to build a huge wooden temple dedicated to the worship of himself.

The Mickey Blue Eyes star will start construction on the massive project in the Spring following the passing of planning permission by the Gloucester County Council. 

The temple is based on an Inca temple where human sacrifices regularly took place. Mr. Grant – star of such films as Sirens and Nine Months – said that he wasn’t planning on sacrificing anybody, ‘although there are a few photographers I’ll happily murder p’ha, p’ha, mmmmmm!’

The news comes as part of a disturbing trend of Hollywood actors turning themselves into objects of fervent devotion. Already the Church of the Latter Day Randy Quaids has grown exponentially and is now the biggest religion in the world surpassing more traditional covenants such as Judaism, Christianity and Islam.
‘It is mainly based on his role in Kingpin,’ said church elder, Charlie Bread.
Tom Cruise – a famous actor – also decided that he wanted to set the record straight about Scientology which many regard as a dangerous cult.
‘It is a dangerous cult,’ he said.
Grant in the meantime denies.