THE STUDIO EXEC GUIDE TO FILM TERMINOLOGY: PART 2

HOLLYWOOD – Understanding the technical vocabulary people use when talking about films can be enough to destroy your already fragile grip on happiness.

‘Lights! Camera! Action!’ What the hell do those words mean? ‘Cut!’ Cut? Cut what? Well, never fear! Studio Exec is here, with an insider’s guide to all those tricky terms like ‘mise en scene’, ‘montage’ and ‘to Lohan’.
Associate Producer – A made up job for a relative of the producer. Similar to the dumb cowboy in the movie Casino who gets fired by De Niro for not realizing the slots machine are being tampered with.
 
Body Double – Somebody with a much better ass than the leading man/woman.
 
Continuity Editor – A random person off the street who knows that four comes after three.
 
Double Bill – A situation that occurs when a casting agent accidentally hires Bill Paxton and Bill Pullman for the same role.
 
Product Placement – A scheme developed by ex-Nazi scientists based on the idea that if you see a famous actor drink coke, you’re going to drink coke. A recent study showed that when Adam Sandler drank Coke in Grown Ups 2, 92% of the audience had a sudden craving for Pepsi.
 
Production Coordinator– The woman who orders you coffee and books your hotel rooms. Is available night and day to perform any bizarre task that springs to your mind. You want a hoverboard at 4am in the morning in the middle of the Sudan, she’s the girl who knows how to get things.
 
Production Schedule – A calender that has been subjected to numerous scribbles and crossings out. Can usually be found in the bin before the end of the first week of shooting.
 
Pyrotechnician – An arsonist who sets fire to things in a studio instead of burning down old people homes. A troubled childhood and history of petty crime is standard.

Shutter Speed – The sequel to Shutter Island set on a bus.
 
Letterboxing – A lurid sex act banned in America under the Communications Decency Act but still practiced in Europe.

THE STUDIO EXEC GUIDE TO FILM TERMINOLOGY: PART 1

HOLLYWOOD – Understanding the technical vocabulary people use when talking about films can be enough to destroy your already fragile grip on happiness.

‘Lights! Camera! Action!’ What the hell do those words mean? ‘Cut!’ Cut? Cut what? Well, never fear! Studio Exec is here, with an insider’s guide to all those tricky terms like ‘mise en scene’, ‘montage’ and ‘to Lohan’.

  • Director: the man (and it’s always a man, never in the history of film has a woman ever directed a film) who everyone pretends is in charge of the film.
  • Producer: the woman (and it’s always a woman etc.) who is actually in charge.
  • The Line Producer: the drug dealer (specifically for cocaine).
  • The Talent: a phrase used to mean the actors, but usually attended by a roll of the eyes, or a hand gesture to suggest masturbation.
  • Shooting: firing firearms during fight scenes.
  • Dolly shot: any shot in which puppetry appears in the shot. See Team America: World Police, Chucky or Sex and the City 2. 
  • Green Screen: a special ecologically sound way of watching films. It causes less pollution and helps save the planet. Used extensively by Leonardo di Caprio.

    Dolly shot
  • The Gaffer: a gay prostitute that the Studio offers for the relief of the gay members of the cast or the undecided.
  • The Dailies: an orgy (again provided by the studio) in which all perversions are catered for. Often the most important part of the production for everyone involved, hence the oft heard phrase ‘The Dailies are looking good.’
  • Mise en scene: Who gives a shit? I mean, really?
If you have any terms that confuse you please use the comments and Studio Exec will deal with them in an upcoming post.