TEXAS – Hollywood is in shock with the news that the FBI have arrested Chuck Norris.
Reports are coming in to the Studio Exec bungalow that federal agents have raided the Texas ranch of Walker Texas Ranger star Chuck Norris. The raid took place at the early hours of this morning, according to sources. Josie McFacepunch – Mr Norris’ personal trainer and self-described buffer – told SE:
The first SWAT team came in with flashbangs and tear gas. Chuck was out of bed and in a flying roundhouse kick, taking five agents out before he landed in his slippers. He then tore a sixth in half and sent the other four running in retreat as he made pancakes. Chuck’s eighty so he has to be careful with the butter and syrup.
You said the first SWAT team?
Yeah, the second team came in, but they never stood a chance because by then Chuck was ready for them. He used kitchen utensils in ways that weren’t only illegal, some of it was frankly obscene.
In the end, the authorities managed to apprehend Mr. Norris when one of the SWAT team asked him to autograph a flak jacket.
Despite early rumors that authorities arrested Norris because of his involvement with the riot in Washington, a spokesperson for the Justice Department denied the rumor.
Mr Norris was arrested this morning in connection with a suit from 1995 launched by Tom Hanks against the film Top Dog. Mr. Hanks has an exclusive right to approve cop/dog movies and Mr. Norris did not have Mr. Hanks approval at the time of shooting the movie.
Tom Hanks was unavailable for comment.
Top Dog 2 is due for release in 2025.
HOLLYWOOD – Chuck Norris is to remake Dead Poets Society in the first movie to come out of the NRA Films Studio.
Action star Chuck Norris is to enter the classroom as John Keating in a remake of Dead Poets Society. Norris will take over the role of the inspirational teacher who was originally brought to life by Robin Williams in one of his finest performances. Chuck spoke EXCLUSIVELY with the Studio Exec about the role:
I love the movie and I think it is a classic. But is it perfect? No.
What do you intend to change?
Well, the first film is very much of its time. We’ll be updating it quite radically.
In what way?
In the first film, Robin inspired his students with a love of poetry and encouraged them to express their individuality and even rebel agaisnt the strictures of their time and the prejudices of their parents. In our version, I’ll be machine going sick psychos who are attacking the school in the name of the Black Lives Matter activists.
And the iconic scene where they say ‘My Captain, My Captain’. That never made sense to me.
It was quote from Walt…
So I’m actually going to be a Delta Force Captain. See? Better already. Oh and we’re not reading poetry anymore.
We’re just defending the school against waves and waves of Islamic terrorists.
Dead Poets Society: Mission to Damascus will be released in 2019.
HOLLYWOOD- Sir Edwin Fluffer once again delves into his personal memoirs – soon to be published as ‘Not THAT Kind of Fluffer!!!’ – to recall Bruce Lee.
Hugh Jackman, Cate Blanchett, Dame Edna Everage, you can’t throw a boomerang on a film set these days without it hitting an Australian.
Dear little Barry Luhrman even made a picture about them called William Shakespeare’s Romeo and Juliet, but years ago you couldn’t get an Australian actor for love nor money.
Skippy The Bush Kangaroo was fine for a frothy romantic comedy, but put him in a costume drama and he stuck out like the proverbial sore thumb. Admittedly his Mr Darcy in Pride and Prejudicewas the exception to the rule, but I still thought you could see his tail.
My favourite Australian actor was a lovely chap called Bruce. He did a lot of these martial arts movies, and when he wasn’t giving one of the extras a roundhouse to the face you couldn’t hope to meet a nicer chap. I used to visit him on set and he’d be having a barbecue with Charlie Norris, but as soon as the director shouted ‘action’ he’d jump up and start kicking everything in sight. That was Bruce for you!
He cleverly masked his Australian accent by getting a lot of his dialogue dubbed, and to this day I don’t think that people ever really knew that he came from the Land Down Under.
He showed me his nunchucks once, but that’s another story…
BAGHDAD – Gary Sinise has finally been pulled out of Iraq, over two years after the last US troops left. Mr. Sinise was in Iraq entertaining the troops when the withdrawal happened but he was not informed.
‘I was out of the loop, I guess,’ said a tired Mr. Sinise, on arriving at LAX this morning.
But an anonymous veteran said that – although troops appreciated the actor’s work for veteran charities – they had become ‘heartily tired of his endless entertaining.’
His bass lines are just insipid and all that gung-ho stuff gets wearisome fast. He was doing a bass solo and we just kind of sneaked out and left him to it. He had his eyes closed because he was in the zone.
The Pentagon denied that Mr. Sinise had been deliberately left behind. A spokesman also denied that he was to be redeployed to North Korea where he would join Chuck Norris as part of an ‘Artistic Task Force’.
|Location of Chuck
GUAM – Early this morning Chuck Norris was dispatched to Guam, in the North West Pacific Ocean, and will be ready to be launched in a matter of hours according to our Pentagon sources.
‘This is not an empty gesture,’ said a source close to Chuck Hagel. ‘We are looking at North Korea’s increasingly belligerent stance and Norris is exactly the kind of precaution that any sensible President would like to have at hand.’
The move comes in response to a startling proliferation of nuclear activity on the North Korean border and noises from regional players Russia and China that an attack on US bases in Japan was a distinct possibility. An observer argued:
|Got a Horsie Loves to Ride-y
There is very little that we know about what is actually going on inside North Korea. Rumors have it that Supreme Leader, Kim Jong Un, was angered by K.Pop sensation PSY and the popularity of the South Korean singer’s Gangnam Style, when his own single ‘Got A Horsie Love to Ride-y’ languishes at number 78 in the North Korean charts, despite being a totalitarian despot.
The truth is the song is weak and has a chorus that is instantly forgettable. Some, however, have criticized the Obama administration for deploying Norris without first considering other options. ‘Steve Guttenberg is free,’ said Sen. John McCain.
Ageing martial artists and ‘so crap its good’ postmodern ironic like icon, Chuck Norris would according to our esteemed readership make the best Christian Grey in the new Fifty Shades of Grey film, beating out close contender Carey Mulligan.
The poll was carried out in response to the breaking news that Max Von Sydow had landed the role (for this story read HERE), news which later turned out to be a malicious invention on the part of Max Von Sydow himself. However, our readers voted in overwhelming numbers (over 40), and most of them were men who wished to sabotage the movie because they were heartily tired of women enjoying porn.
|Wayne La Pierre
DALLAS – The National Rifle Association today issued a call for the 1990 Ivan Reitman ‘comedy’ Kindergarten Cop to be remade, ‘but this time with many more guns.’ The original film featured Arnold Schwarzenegger as tough cop John Kimble who has to go undercover in a kindergarten for some reason or other, with ‘hilarious’ results ensuing, plus lessons being learnt.
The NRA published its demand for Hollywood to step up to the plate after a few days earlier its call for a Chuck Norris in ever classroom fell on deaf ears (click here for that story). Industry expert Pullton Pulliver said that the chances of a Kindergarten Cop remake are fairly slim: ‘Film makers are more likely to try and take guns out of their films rather than put them in. But aside from Wayne La Pierre, who really wants to see another Ivan Reitman/Arnold Schwarzenegger comedy?’
|La Pierre opens mouth
DALLAS – Today the National Rifle Association vice president Wayne La Pierre called for an immediate implementation of what he referred to as the Expendables 2 solution in response to the tragedy in Newtown last week: ‘A Chuck Norris in each school,’ he said.
‘Imagine if you will a world in which psychopaths roam the streets looking for easy targets,’ he said. ‘The bank is guarded, and the politicians. Even sports events. But schools are famous for never having Chuck Norris anywhere near them. We could put Chuck in one school, Arnie in another. I can’t do mornings, but sheet, I’d help out on the odd afternoon with my pair of gattling guns.’
Chuck Norris has already agreed to do Monday, Wednesday and Friday, but not Tuesday and Thursday because he has Zumba.
La Pierre said, ‘Look at Fort Hood. If only there’d been armed guards protecting the… oh wait that’s not a good example. Let me … erm . ..Look at Columbine. Okay there was an armed guard at Columbine now I remember it. Well, back to Newtown. If the teachers… wait where did he get the gun from? Oh his mom? and she was…a teacher? Well, my point is: when is Chuck Norris not the answer? On that we can all agree.’