SCARLETT JOHANSSON TO REPLACE JEFFREY TAMBOR IN TRANSPARENT

HOLLYWOOD – Scarlett Johansson will replace Jeffrey Tambor in the new season of Transparent.

Versatile chameleon-like actress Scarlett Johansson is to play Maura Pfefferman, the role originated by Jeffrey Tambor in the next season of Transparent. Johansson popped in to the Studio Exec bungalow yesterday to talk about the new challenge:

I’ve done Asian. I’m now doing Trans. So what? You got a problem Exec, take it up with Emma fucking Stone.

Whoa! Hold your horses, Black Widow!

Yeah. And when I do the Black Widow movie, you know what we’re going to discover?

Black Widow’s actually black?

Damned right. How did you know?

A guess. So Transparent…

Yeah, I loved the series and Jeffrey’s work. But then the unfortunate accusations happened and he had to go away. Christopher Plummer is busy shooting Roseanne so I decided to step in. I’m already making a trans movie with Rub & Tug, so I reckon I’m as qualified as anyone else to play the part.

What about asking a trans actor to play the role?

Yeah, and we should get Abraham Lincoln to play Abraham Lincoln. Pur-lease!

Transparent is out in the Fall.

CHRISTOPHER PLUMMER TO PLAY KEVIN SPACEY

HOLLYWOOD – Christopher Plummer has signed up to play Kevin Spacey in Oliver Stone’s biopic of the disgraced actor.

 

The Studio Exec caught up with Plummer to discuss his latest role.

 

Did you have any qualms about playing such a controversial character?

 

Not at all. I’ve been living as Kevin Spacey for the past three months so i‘ve had plenty of time to get over my early reservations.

 

What do you mean you’ve been ‘Living as Kevin Spacey’?

 

Well I didn’t just replace him in ‘All the Money in the World’ I replaced in him in real life. I’m living in his house, driving his car and browsing his extensive collection of greco-roman pornography on a daily basis. I’m wearing a pair of his silk underpants as we speak, they cradle my balls splendidly.

 

So where is Kevin?

 

I’m Kevin.

 

No, you’re Christopher Plummer.

 

You miss the point, dear boy. There is no Christopher Plummer.

 

Then who is that guy in The Sound of Music?

 

Kevin Spacey.

 

Christ. Okay. Let me phrase the question in a different way. Where is the guy you replaced?

 

Oh, he’s still around but I ignore him. At first that was difficult, you know, when you’re sharing a bed or taking a bath together, it took a few days to get used to but now the only time I notice he’s there is when I hear him sobbing to himself in the middle of the night and when I wake in the morning with this erection poking into my lower back.

 

I see, so what does 2018 have in store for….you?

 

Well after the movie with Oliver I’ll be working on a film called The Usual Suspects 2: The Wrath of Keyser Söze and following that I start work on Spielberg’s Christopher Plummer biopic.

 

Christopher Plummer is playing Christopher Plummer in a Christopher Plummer biopic?

 

No, Kevin Spacey is playing Christopher Plummer in a Christopher Plummer biopic.

 

BUT WHO THE F*CK IS CHRISTOPHER PLUMMER?

 

I have no idea I haven’t read the script. Though I hear he’s a bloody marvellous chap.

 

 

The Kevin Spacey biopic is due 2019.

DISNEY BUY CHRISTOPHER PLUMMER

HOLLYWOOD – In a deal worth $78 billion, media giants Disney have just bought Canadian actor Christopher Plummer.

Following the purchase of Star Wars, Marvel, Pixar and now Fox, the Disney Company have just announced a $78 billion dollar deal to buy Sound of Music star Christopher Plummer. Media Analyst Dunque Screens told the Studio Exec:

This is a great deal for Disney. It looks like a lot of money but what Disney are getting is not just Mr. Plummer’s extensive back catalogue and his film work and TV work, they’re also getting the rights to whoever Mr. Plummer replaces in the next few years. And looking at the pace of the scandals currently sweeping Hollywood and the entertainment industry generally that could mean extensive acquisitions.

However, critics of the deal point to this widespread application of Christopher Plummer as a problem. Marquis Martinique underlined this danger:

When Disney got Marvel, they got Iron Man, Avengers and all those properties. With Star Wars, they get the films, but also the characters and the universe. And with Fox they get the Simpsons and the X-Men. Now, with Plummer, they get Kevin Spacey, Bryan Singer, Brett Ratner, Def Jam records, Matt Lauer, the documentaries of Morgan Sporlock and the entire back catalogue of Woody Allen and Roman Polanski as well as the Cosby Show.

The Monopolies and Mergers Commission will inspect the sale closely.

Image courtesy of @thePixelFactor. Follow him on twitter here.

GUESS WHO’S REPLACING BRYAN SINGER DIRECTING QUEEN MOVIE?

HOLLYWOOD – Christopher Plummer will replaces Bryan Singer as the director of Queen movie Bohemian Rhapsody.

Once Bryan Singer departed Bohemian Rhapsody everyone knew what was coming. No sooner had Christopher Plummer finished filming his Kevin Spacey replacement scenes for Ridley Scott than he received a telephone call from someone calling themselves Mr. Robot:

A voice asked me if I would direct a film? Could I direct a film? I thought this very unusual, but I answered I’ve seen it done enough times. I think I should manage. Next thing I knew someone delivered a script to my door as well as a bunch of musicians.

No one has explained the mystery surrounding Singer’s removal. There were reports of a family illness. But also of disruptive behavior on the set, with a worsening relationship with his lead Rami Malek, who stars as Freddie Mercury. That latter hypothesis seems implausible given the asymmetric status of the two.

Adding more confusion is the fact that rumors linking Singer to child abuse claims have seen many assuming he would be joining the lengthening list of Hollywood disgrace. Plummer’s appointment indicates this might be the case.

We asked Christopher if he was aware of Queen.

I will admit that at first I said yes because I’ve always wanted to work with Helen Mirren.

Bohmeian Rhapsody will be released in 2019.

CHRISTOPHER PLUMMER TO HEAD WEINSTEIN COMPANY

HOLLYWOOD – Christopher Plummer is to take over as CEO of the Weinstein Company following the sacking of founder Harvey Weinstein amid an ongoing sex scandal.

If there’s a problem Christopher Plummer is almost always the solution. Such is the respect with which the former Sound of Music star is held. Already, Ridley Scott drafted Plummer in for the role of Kevin Spacey in All the Money in the World. Scott told the Studio Exec:

The thing about Plummer is he can do anything. He can sing, he can act, he can do comedy, he can do Spacey. And he’s very, very cheap.

However, there was some surprise that the act was being drafted to run a multi-million dollar media company when he had no previous experience.

The Edelweiss fan spoke EXCLUSIVELY to the Studio Exec:

What you have to understand dear boy, is that I am an actor. A Canadian actor, it is true, but nevertheless an actor. I will study the role of CEO in the Weinstein Company and then I will give my performance. You may disagree with my interpretation, but I assure you I will give it my all.

Already shares in the Weinstein Company began to recover as news of the Plummer appointment spread. Financial analyst Amos Ghastly told the Exec:

The company still has good holdings and with Plummer at the helm I’m sure it will be steered towards a prosperous future. He was so good in The New World.

Christopher Plummer will next appear in Season 5 of House of Cards.