CHRISTOPHER NOLAN WARNER BROS UNCOUPLE

MOVIE NEWS – With the Christopher Nolan Warner Bros partnership coming to an end, The Exec sat down to talk with a Warner Bros PR spokesperson. We find out how the Christopher Nolan Warner Bros conscious uncoupling came about and was it really mutual?

Sorry To Ask But How Did Christopher Nolan & Warner Bros Uncouple?

That’s ok [sniff]. I guess we need to talk it through with someone [sniff]. Just to try and make sense of it all. Y’know what I mean [sniff]? I thought we were in a good place. Thought we were secure in our relationship. People always said he was a cold one, but you never really believe it, until it happens to you. And then he just left. Didn’t leave a note or anything [sniff].

Were There Any Signs This Was Coming?

What do you mean? Are you saying it’s our fault? We gave everything [sniff] to this relationship. Showered him with money for anything he wanted to do. We never asked any questions. And what do we get in return (apart from billions of dollars in revenue)? He goes to Universal [sniff]. Universal? What the fuck is he going to do over there? Make Smokey And The Bandit? What a crock of shit.

Do You Think There Was Anything You Could Have Done Differently?

I guess we could have spent less time with Zack Snyder and Matt Reeves. But we were just fooling around, having a bit of fun at work. They meant nothing. Literally nothing. Have you seen the returns? Jesus [sniff]. What a waste of fucking time those guys were.

And What About You With HBO Max?

Oh, here we go [cries]! You’re going to rub that in our face. It was just a small deal. We flirted for a bit with streaming. They got knocked up with our movies last year, and that’s it. We’re tied to them for the rest of our fucking lives.

Well, It Is Your Contractual Responsibility And Commitment.

Now you just sound like our parent company and investors. Fuck you [sniff].

Christopher Nolan Will Shoot His Next Movie About Oppenheimer, With Universal.

CHRISTOPHER NOLAN: “WARNER BROTHERS CAN SUCK MY INTERSTELLAR BALLS!”

HOLLYWOOD – Christopher Nolan unleashes on Warner Brothers following release changes.

Memento director Christopher Nolan today spoke for the first time about Warner Brothers and its 2021 release strategy. Arriving at the Studio Exec bungalow, Nolan was out of breath and emotional (we’re being polite: he was drunk). No sooner had he walked in – first backwards and then the right way as is his custom – he began a rant:

So, have you heard? Warner Brothers are dumping their entire 2021 slate on HBO Max.

Yes, we heard. 

It’s an absolute shit show in the fuck factory, if you get my meaning. I mean what the fuck is HBO Max anyway. Is it like a new form of Pepsi? Fucked if I know. They hate the poor cinema owners. Hate them. As it is they screw them out of all the money they can. You know why cinema owners sell you such garbage food, it’s because they can’t make any money on the tickets because the studios claw so much back. I’m not going to fucking stand for it. Those penny pushers and knob biscuits down at Warner will feel my slightly fey wrath.

You’re going to protest?

You betcha Exec. Right after this. I’m on my way now to see Mickey and Spike.

Who are Mickey and Spike?

Mickey and Spike Warner. The Warner Brothers you dolt!

Right. Yeah. Mickey and er…

And I’m going to tell them to suck my Interstellar balls. That’s it I’m through with them. Already they fucked up Tenet with their stupid suggestion of releasing it in Imax. I wanted everyone to watch it on their phones but oh no Spike was like … let’s get people back in the theaters. What an anal wart Spike is!

I thought you were a true believer in the cinema experience.

I am for some films. Dunkirk has to be the biggest screen, the same with Interstellar but Tenet looks amazing on an iPhone. And you can hear the dialogue better through airpods. Warners have always acted a bit cunty. Now I guess I’ll have to take my gig over the road to another studio. Perhaps Sammy Paramount might want to hook up, or Dorothy T. Universal has been after my peachy hieny for some time now. Fuck me, I’m arseholed. I think I’m going to be…

And with that the director of The Prestige lurched from the room, reeling.

Jenga The Movie is coming soon.

CHRISTOPHER NOLAN WON’T DIRECT JENGA

HOLLYWOOD – The next film by Christopher Nolan will not be Jenga, despite an announcement earlier this week.

It looks like Jenga won’t be the next film Christopher Nolan directs. ‘It’s very sad,’ says brother and screenwriter Jonathan. ‘Everything seemed to be in place. I was working on the script, the money looked good. Our sisters were going to do the soundtrack and Liam Neeson was on speed dial. But then we were adjusting one little piece – I think it was hiring the gaffer – and the whole thing came crashing down around our ears and onto the kitchen floor.’

It had seemed like the perfect fit for Nolan, whose interest in puzzles and mazes is now legendary.

‘It’s multi-layered with lots of different levels; like some kind of vertical jigsaw,’ Nolan stated when news of the project first broke.

A close source to the director said that he was in his room ‘weeping bitterly’ and refusing to come out.

Hasbro, who own the rights to the game, have hurriedly suggested any number of other possibilities but rival company Mattel is also offering Ker-Plunk! as a possible alternative. But Nolan is keeping quiet about what his next project might be. 

Buckaroo is in theaters.

IF YOU PLAY TENET BACKWARDS IT MAKES SENSE

HOLLYWOOD – Playing Tenet backwards causes logic to work.

Professor Archi Newton today revealed that playing Tenet backwards makes more sense than the conventional way of screening the film. Newton who teaches ‘The Phenomenology of Happy Days at UCLA told the Studio Exec about the origin  of his discovery.

I remember in the 60s and 70s people frequently played their albums to find messages. It started with the Beatles and then kids did it with Pink Floyd and all these Heavy Metal groups. It was wack. So when I saw Tenet with my sexual partner Cloris, I thought hell, why not. We filmed the film illegally on our phones and then I used some software to reverse the film. All of a sudden everything makes sense. For one thing you can actually hear what the characters are saying.

No shit?

Absolute shit.

Go on.

So the story obviously starts with the Horcrux being hidden and Kenneth Branagh leaping back to life. Then there’s a lot of stuff about trying to get a briefcase to go somewhere. And they put together a van and restore the briefcase there. Then John David Washington and Robert Pattinson take a team apart and then split up themselves. I’d tell you more but I don’t want to spoil the beginning.

Do you think this is the way Christopher Nolan intended for it to be seen?

I don’t give a fuck. The author is dead asshole. And the academic strides the world like a king or queen.

Tenet is in theaters.

TENET WAS ALREADY RELEASED TWO YEARS AGO

HOLLYWOOD – Christopher Nolan announces that he released Tenet two years ago.

In a further twist to the Tenet release saga, we learned today that Christopher Nolan released the film two years ago.

He spoke EXCLUSIVELY to the Studio Exec saying that publications like Variety were rubbish. Here, is the interview in full:

I only talk to you SE, because you’re the only one who can truly grasp the intertwining intricacies of my complicated mind.

Right. Gotcha Big C. So what’s all this about Tenet already being out?

You’ve asked me that question already.

Have I?

You will have have.

Wait. What?

You see all my films firstly have this way in which their distribution and the theatrical experience mirrors the themes of the films. So I want to make a big film like Dark Knight, I use Imax. I want to make a dream I make Inception or I want to go back in time for Dunkirk, that’s what I do. Tenet is about time travel. So the best way of releasing it was to go back in time and release it then.

So you’ve gone back in time and released Tenet already?

That’s absolutely right. You’ve already seen it.

Did I like it?

You loved it. The critical reaction was overwhelmingly positive, except for those arseholes at Variety.

What have you got against Variety?

I hate them. They call their magazine Variety and it’s all about movies. Where’s the variety in that?

I see what you mean. So how come I have no memory of Tenet if I’ve already seen it?

Don’t you have a memory of it?

Wait, the way Kenneth Branagh dies is… oh hang on that’s a spoiler.

No it isn’t. Everyone’s already seen it.

Tenet comes in 2018.

CHRISTOPHER NOLAN RECALLS BACK CATALOGUE FOR TENET

HOLLYWOOD – Christopher Nolan recalls his entire catalogue of films prior to the release of Tenet.

In a bold marketing move to promote Tenet, Christopher Nolan has recalled his back catalogue. He’s demanded the public ‘Get back to their iMax cinemas and watch my new film’.

The blockbuster auteur famous for complex plots and breathtaking action blockbusters such as Interstellar and The Dark Knight Trilogy released this statement:

‘I decree all my other films will not be seen again until you all get your sh*t together and cough up the price of an iMax ticket. They will be wiped from all streaming sites. If you have them on archaic ‘Blu Rays’ or even ‘DVDs’ (hahahahahahahaha), expect a visit. Someone in a smart Italian suit with slicked back hair will knock on your door. They will resemble either Tom Hardy or Marillon Cotillard. They will point a gun in your face until you hand my films over. Some of you may dream about an idea to wipe all of my films from your hard drives. You will follow up on this dream and obey.’

‘The Academy aren’t getting away with this either.’ said Nolan, ‘Those gutless wonders aren’t pulling out of next year’s Oscars. I’ll win Best Picture if I have to brain wash incept every single one of them. I refuse to accept Trolls World Tour will win the Best Picture Oscar by bloody default.’

Warner Brothers release Tenet on July 17th later this year. I will now delete all of my Batman films, for some reason. I obey, I obey.

TENET CLOCKS IN AT JUST UNDER TWO DAYS

HOLLYWOOD – Eagerly awaited Tenet is almost two days long, according to reports.

Christopher Nolan‘s new film Tenet has a new running time: 46 hours 28 minutes. We learned the figure today from someone on twitter who has fifteen followers and an egg for an avatar. However, film twitter are going wild with the news.

We spoke with Christopher Nolan about his new film and the running time.

So Chris, two days.

Yes, almost that’s right. We think we need a large canvas. IMAX. Almost two days of running time. So bring a bag of crisps and a thermos.

And it’s about time?

Yes. It’s about inversion of time. And it’s about a bunch of people, a hit time of highly skilled professionals doing something that can very easily be read as a metaphor for film making and then everyone in the cinema will go ah! and nod. They work for the government in a kind of agency or something and they’re going to prevent something that’s worse than the apocalypse.

What’s worse than the apocalypse?

An aeroplane exploding!

Brilliant.  

But seriously. This is going to be my masterpiece. It’s like a Wagner film.

What Hart to Hart?

Not Robert Wagner you dolt.

Tenet stars John David Washington, Robert Pattinson, Elizabeth Debicki, Dimple Kapadia, Michael Caine and Branagh.

 

IS CHRISTOPHER NOLAN THE NEW STANLEY KUBRICK?

HOLLYWOOD – Studio Exec answers the age old question: is Dunkirk director Christopher Nolan the new Stanley Kubrick?

As part of a new series of short answers to long questions, the Studio Exec faces the poser is Christopher Nolan director of Memento, Inception, Interstellar, the Dark Knight trilogy and Dunkirk the new Stanley Kubrick? Continue reading “IS CHRISTOPHER NOLAN THE NEW STANLEY KUBRICK?”

CHRISTOPHER NOLAN: THE FUTURE OF CINEMA

HOLLYWOOD – Dunkirk director Christopher Nolan discusses the future of cinema.

Hi everyone. Urm, yeah, Christopher Nolan here; director of the Dark Knight Trilogy, Inception and … oh, Memento. Yeah. That’s right. Have I got your attention? Yeah, um, I thought so.

Reports of the death of cinema, to paraphrase Mark Twain, have been greatly exaggerated. Mobile phones, illegal downloads, people eating nachos with dips, 3D glasses and Michael Bay have all certainly had their deleterious effect but with the right innovations cinema is going to be alive and well and better than ever far into the future. How do you ask? Well, I made The Prestige, and here are three magic suggestions. 

1. More comic books movies. I visited my local multiplex the other day and was shocked to see that two of the seventeen screens were occupied by films not based on comic book characters. One was showing Chef and the other was showing some tripe about a boy growing up with awful CGI ageing, no doubt. Comic book movies are great because you don’t really need a script, or acting, or anything and then Hans Zimmer lends you his epic thumping score and away you go. Make it a little bit somber, darken the palette, put in Mikey Caine and the critics will lap it up. So more of these. I’ll exec them for a premium fee.

2. Free gimmicks with your ticket. You buy a cinema ticket today and what do you get? Just a bit of card with the name of the film and which screen it’s on, maybe a seat number. Rubbish. You should get a gimmick like a Frisbee, or a rattle, something to occupy the hands during slow parts of the film. Imagine watching Le Weekend – a bit dull I know – and then a game of Ultimate Frisbee breaks out! Amazing.

3. Balloon net. This is the topper and I don’t think this has been done before. Rig a large net over every auditorium and when the film comes to its climax, release thousands of balloons from the net, along with party streamers and confetti bombs! Can you imagine watching Mamma Mia for instance or 12 Years a Slave and as the final shot comes on streamers and balloons float from the ceiling? It would be AMAZING!

Christopher Nolan’s Interstellar 2 will be released in November.

5 THINGS WRONG WITH THE JUSTICE LEAGUE

HOLLYWOOD – The Justice League hit theaters and was immediately hailed as a masterpiece of its genre.

The New York Times called it ‘The Casablanca of Superhero movies’ and Variety said ‘Eat your heart out Christopher Nolan.’

But – as rebellious as ever – The Studio Exec is not fully convinced.

So here are our five minor problems with Zach Snyder/ Joss Whedon’s new movie:

1. It’s shit.

2. Everyone looks tired and depressed. First, Ben Affleck looks like they CGIed Ryan Reynolds head onto Dave Bautista’s body. Second, Amy Adams looks like she’s performing under duress. As if someone is just off camera with a cattle prod, blocking the exit. She looks so bored and they used a crayon to color in her hair. Then Diane Lane is too obviously happy just to get work. Finally, Gal Gadot looks confused that she can be in such a bad film after having been in such a good one. Weirdly, Henry Cavill shines.

3. The film is as visually interesting as an infomercial. As much as I hated Batman V Superman and Man of Steel, those films had a certain visual pomposity that was compelling. Here, not only is the CGI like mid-90s Star Trek, but every shot, hero entrance, etc etc looks like a rush job for a poorly funded advertising agency. Take the iconic moment towards the end where Clark Kent becomes Superman. It looked like a TV advert featuring Superman. Nothing momentous happens.

In rushing to be the Avengers, they threw out the epic with the dourness.

4. Which leads us to: the humor wasn’t funny. It’s like sitting at a wedding reception with that guy who is really funny and then someone else tries to go toe to toe with them, but they don’t have the material. Unfunny humor isn’t just not funny, it is deeply depressing. They label every joke ‘JOKE’. The Flash (Ezra Miller) is annoying. Really annoying. It is like they took Zach Snyder’s sense of humor and mixed it with Joss Whedon’s visual flair. And that line is funnier than anything in the movie.

5. The Avengers. Anything DC does feels like catch up. And that’s a pity. Aquaman sounds like Thor, Superman like Captain America, Batman like Tony Stark, Flash like Peter Parker. The getting the team together to beat a CGI thing with the blue light from the sky and the cubes… whatever. Do we really want anymore universes? What was a neat idea ten years ago is beginning to look lazy bloated franchise think. Isn’t it time to finally give up?

 For more FACTS click here.

HARRY STYLES RELEASES DUNKIRK ALBUM

LONDON – Former One Direction singer Harry Styles will release a Dunkirk tribute album, featuring wartime classics.

Harry Styles won praise for his understated performance in Christopher Nolan’s new film Dunkirk. But now he has done one better, releasing an album of his favorite wartime classics. The album features thirteen songs handpicked by Styles all coming from the 1940s. Sitting on the Dock of the Bay, later covered by Otis Redding, was actually written during the evacuation of 400,000 British soldiers from the beaches of northern France.

A statement by the singer reads:

In preparing for my role in Dunkirk, I first did a lot of research into the period. And to get into the mood I’d listen to a lot of songs. Things like Vera Lynn and Glen Miller. But apart from these very famous artists, I also found lots of people I’d never heard of. The amazing Spanner Brother who sang their famous ‘How to fix an engine’ songs. Rotten Johnny, the ukulele player from Newcastle who inspired Johnny Lydon, with such beautiful ditties as ‘I need a shit (Desperately)’ and ‘I’ve a Tanner (Have you got a fag)’. I want this album to be my small tribute to that generation. And introduce some of this wonderful music to the youth.

Harry Styles Sings Songs Inspired by the Motion Picture Dunkirk is now available on iTunes and from all good record shops.

REVIEW – DUNKIRK

REVIEW – DUNKIRK – Christopher Nolan returns with a superb and unconventional war film about the BFG trying to save the British Army after they decided to Brexit.

Young British soldier Tommy (Fionn Whitehead) needs two things. One: to get out of Northern France and get home. And two, to have a shit.

Nolan’s movie never fully decides whether he achieves both. But it is testament to his brilliance that the whole film concerns itself with the nitty-gritty of survival alongside the historical import of it.

Along with 400,000 of his comrades in arms, Tommy is trapped on the beach with the Germans only miles away. At the same time, their planes strafing the lines of waiting soldiers. The Navy can’t get in to pick them up because of the shallow draught and the airforce is apparently reluctant to risk their planes when an invasion of Britain looks iminent. But Tommy still needs to get out.

Meanwhile, Mark Rylance – surely everyone’s ideal 1940s granddad – sets off in a small boat to help in the rescue operation. And above in the sky three spitfires seem to be all the RAF will allow. Luckily, Tom Hardy pilots one of them and there has been very little as satisfying in modern cinema as seeing Tom Hardy handle a spitfire.

With these ingredients – earth, sea, air – and an Inception like time structure – a week, a day, an hour – Nolan constructs one of those most original war films in years. There’s an immediate urgency and a latent panic all the way through, aided by one of Hans Zimmer’s most impressive scores. Nolan manages to places us in the middle of the action without ever glorying in the war porn. In fact, the most touching death occurs as a banal accident. And the terror of death comes as much from water as from bullets and bombs.

The performances are wonderful as well with Kenneth Branagh scanning the horizon with such Britishness that he might as well be suet pudding in a woolly sock. And then there’s what Nolan doesn’t show. The Germans. The homefront. Wives and sweethearts. Anxious mothers. Churchill.  Generals in front of a big map.

The film’s concerns reflect those of the characters. The logistics, the numbers. For the pilots, the fuel they need to get home. Britain likes heroic failures. It’s why it glories in Scott of the Antarctic – who lost the race to the pole. And Mallory and Irvine – who died on Everest. It’s why Admiral Nelson – who died at the Battle of Trafalgar – gets a column in the middle of London, while Wellington – who won but survived at Waterloo – only gets a boot. Dunkirk was a defeat and Nolan’s characters see it as such. But his film earns its patriotic zeal and it’ll be a hard hearted Nazi who can watch the final reel without a tear breaching their defences.

For more Reviews, Click Here.

DANIEL CRAIG’S LAST BOND FILM GETS TITLE

HOLLYWOOD – Daniel Craig will appear in his last appearance as James Bond, 007 in Never Say Never Again Again.

So Idris Elba, Tom Hardy and Tom Hiddleston will have to cool their heels a little longer. Daniel Craig has confirmed he will be donning the tuxedo one more time. He came to the Studio Exec bungalow to talk about it.

So here we are again. How’s it going?

Fine, Dan, fine. Tell me about the new Bond film.

We have a title. As you know we’ve run out of books, so we’re going back to remake Thunderball again. We’re calling it Never Say Never Again Again, because that sounds like the situation I’m in.

Why do another one? You obviously didn’t enjoy Spectre.

Fair question. Yeah, I was a bit grumpy about Spectre, because it is very physically demanding. Also the film itself turned out to be quite dour. This one we’re going for a whole new effect. I want it to be as funny as the Roger Moore films and as well put together as On Her Majesty’s Secret Service. Sam Mendes doesn’t want to direct anymore, so we’re currently searching for a director. I like Jim Jarmusch, or failing that David Lynch.

That would be a change.

Yeah I know. Ultimately, Bond needs to change if he’s going to survive. Fior instance, I also want the film to recognise that I’m older now. So I’m going to be doing a lot of sitting in comfy chairs and instead of foot chases, we’re going to have a chase on segues.

What about Christopher Nolan as a director?

I don’t know. He feels a bit young and untested.

Never Say Never Again Again will be released in 2020.

MEMENTO REMAKE TO STAR SEAN SPICER

WASHINGTON – The Memento remake is going ahead with Sean Spicer in the original Guy Pearce role.

Christopher Nolan’s Memento was a cult hit. Now it’s being remade with Sean Spicer starring as the man who following a tragic incident is unable to remember things that happened more than 20 minutes ago. Spicer spoke to the Studio Exec about the new direction:

The original idea has always been for me to go into acting. But I was going to do it sometime in the future. The distant future I thought. However, now it looks like we’ll probably be able to begin shooting sometime next week.

Has your experience as White House Communications Director helped you prepare for the film?

Absolutely. Every day I feel like it is very difficult to remember what happened the day before or even half an hour before that. In fact, it’s kind of the policy of the Trump administration to only employ people with very poor short term memory and an ambiguous and noirish sense of right and wrong. The film also has these doom laden and guilt-ridden atmosphere which is just becoming more and more like my life.

Have you any comment about the Hitler gaffe yesterday?

The original idea has always been for me to go into acting. But I was going to do it sometime in the future. The distant future I thought. However, now it looks like we’ll probably be able to begin shooting sometime next week.

Re-Memento will be released in 2018.

Image courtesy of @ThePixelFactor.