The Exec is proud to present Mission Impossible Undercover Report. The Exec’s intrepid reporter, Miles Cravat has masqueraded as a lowly runner on the set of the upcoming Tom Cruise blockbuster. He now brings us this breathtaking expose of life on the set of one of the most anticipated films in years. He has travelled into the heart of darkness, at great risk to not only his health but also his sanity to bring us this two part Mission Impossible undercover report.
Mission Impossible Undercover Report – Apocalypse Cruise
The Exec Bungalow, shit, I’m still only in The Exec Bungalow. Everyone gets everything they want. I wanted an assignment, and for my sins, they gave me one. Brought it up to me like room service. It was a real choice assignment. When it was over, I’d never want another one. I gotta stop listening to The Doors. If you’re not 14 years old or stoned, they’re terrible.
Never Get Out Of The Bungalow
I reported to The Exec’s main office at the Bungalow. He ground his cigar in his teeth as he spoke of rumors that Cruise was filming out there without any decent restraint. Totally beyond the pale of any acceptable human conduct. I was to pick up his trail at Warner Bros Studios in Hertfordshire, about 20 clicks north of London. I wondered why The Exec was eating roast beef on such a hot day, but he told me to concentrate and keep my damned fingers off his roasted potatoes.
With Extreme Prejudice
I took a job as an Assistant Location Manager for the Mission Impossible location production office in leafy Hertfordshire. I was pretty sure someone could hook me up with an on-set runner’s job, so I could get in the shit. It was there that I met Sally Kilgore. She had been promoted from 2nd Unit Production Supervisor to Assistant Script Supervisor. Kilgore got the re-writes from McQuarrie’s office and was responsible for distribution. She was airborne man. Airborne, those crazy motherfuckers could get you in anywhere they goddamned pleased. They’d drop in rewrites that would screw everything up. They didn’t care about anything; catering, logistics, not a damned thing. As long as they could fly in and drop their shit on everyone, they were happy. And Sally Kilgore was the happiest of them all.
Smells Like… Catering Trucks
Kilgore said she could get me on set as a runner, but it would mean going up the M1 motorway. The shit can get pretty heavy where the M1 meets the M25. But Kilgore said she’d get us through. You could tell she really thrived on productions. Her eyes lit up at the thought of last minute changes to shooting schedules, corralling the extras or rewrites. She loved the rewrites. And she knew how to get us through the traffic, weaving in and out of the queueing vehicles. She would lean out of the window and shout ‘GET SOME’ as we flew by. She didn’t give a shit if it was Full Metal Jacket or Apocalypse Now, she was insane.
Not The Redux
We stopped for gas at a service station about 2 clicks north of Luton. A real shit hole. It was there we met a French guy who talked for hours and hours about colonial legacies. What a drag. We’ll skip that bit and save it for the Redux. We then left the M1 and headed into deepest darkest Buckinghamshire. There were rumors of Cruise turning up there and setting up camp. We headed into the heart of darkness.
To be continued…
HOLLYWOOD – Mission Impossible 6 title and first images revealed.
Starring Tom Cruise as Ethan Hunt, Mission Impossible 6’s director Christopher McQuarrie unveiled the title and an early image from the new instalment. McQuarrie spoke EXCLUSIVELY with the Studio Exec:
The fuse is lit. And I can reveal the title of the new movie Is M:I 6: The Mummy! We’re going in a totally new direction. We’ve had enough of spies and espionage and all that. we’ve already got Jason Bourne and James Bond. So we thought we’d take it in a different direction. Into the supernatural.
Wait so you mean The Mummy is a Mission Impossible film?
What? No. I mean Mission Impossible 6 will follow Ethan and Benji and his team to Egypt where they originally think they’re just going to enjoy some down time. That’s until Benji (played by Simon Pegg) bungles onto the tomb of a cursed pharaoh and in the process unleashes an ancient curse. Then they go back to London. Big mistake!
But this sounds just like The Mummy?
I don’t know what you’re talking about.
Mission Impossible 6: The Mummy will be released in 2018.
HOLLYWOOD – Bryan Singer has confirmed that he will be directing a prequel to his break through hit The Usual Suspects, provisionally entitled Soze.
Christopher McQuarrie today admitted he has finished the first draft of a prequel to The Usual Suspects and Bryan Singer is signed up to direct. Soze Rises will tell the story of master criminal, arch-villain and manipulator as a young man.
We want to see how Kayser Soze becomes Kayser Soze. Originally the idea was that perhaps Verbal had invented the story the way he had invented almost everything else. But then we began to wonder about what if Kayser was real and the Verbal was Kayser and what would happen. So first I wrote about him and what happened to his family. How he killed his family first and then went after all his enemies, but then we decided to go back even further. We’re gonna see the beginning of the career of a sociopath, a modern day Moriarty. And we’re gonna see him in school.
Kevin Spacey has agreed to play a cameo and there is a chance that other cast members might have their own prequel movies.
Benicio Del Toro and Gabriel Byrne have both been on the phone asking me if they will get prequels too. But we made that film over twenty years ago. The nature of the prequel would be that they would have to be younger and not older. Having said that, I would love to go back and see where those characters came from. What made them get to the stage that they are at when The Usual Suspects begins.
Soze Rises will be released in 2018.
HOLLYWOOD – Tom Cruise yesterday attempted suicide by climbing out on the wing of an Airbus A400 M as it flew over the English countryside.
Cruise – who was filming Mission Impossible 5 at the time – apparently left the air-plane following words with the film’s director Christopher McQuarrie.
An eye witness told the Studio Exec EXCLUSIVELY:
Tom had this icy calmness about himself. Chris had said something. I don’t know what but he was obviously upset because the next minute he put on the safety harness and climbed out onto the wing. I was like ‘What the…!’ And Chris McQuarrie was trying to talk him back into the plane. I mean Chris was so cool, he just made out like it was a scene from the film and shouted things like ‘Look determined! More heroic!’ and when he felt that he was getting through he finally shouted ‘Cut!’ and Cruise’s head went down and he climbed back into the plane.
What happened next?
Everyone just maintained the fiction that it was all part of the film. Just a scene. They were high-five-ing each other and talking about how this would shit on James Bond. I couldn’t believe it. They were so callous.
Is it possible that this was a scene from the film and not a suicide attempt?
Well, that would explain everything. The facts if you will. But I don’t know. I mean I think it was a cry for help. I did wonder why he was putting on a safety harness if he was trying to kill himself.
So it might be it was just the scene from the film?
No. I mean. Who would climb out onto the wing of an air-plane just to shoot a scene? It doesn’t make any sense.
Tom Cruise has a history of trying to kill himself and then passing them off as elaborate set pieces in the increasingly distraught action franchise Mission Impossible. Psychologist Tammy Barlett assures us this is typical of the narcissistic depressive:
You look at Mr. Cruise’s oeuvre and you will see a repeated attempt to end it all. And I shall demonstrate: Top Gun: dog fights. Mission Impossible 2: dangling from a cliff face. Mission Impossible 4: wants to jump off the highest building in the world. Eyes Wide Shut: dehydration.
Mission Impossible 5: Goodbye Cruel World will be released in 2015.
HOLLYWOOD – The fifth instalment of the Mission Impossible franchise starring Tom Cruise and directed by Jack Reacher genius Christopher McQuaurrie will be released in December of 2015 so mark it in your calendars.
No, not that calendar the other one. There you go.
In addition to the release date we also learned that the title would be changed. McQuarrie explained exclusively to the Studio Exec:
There are a number of factors. First of all there’s only so many times you can have a bunch of characters go on a Mission Impossible only for them to actually achieve the mission. You lose the trust of the audience and as we’ve already done it four times I think their patience is wearing pretty thin. Add to this the fact that Tom is getting to a certain age. He is 51 of our Earth years and in reality even more than that. So can he do an impossible mission? Perhaps not.
Can you tell us anything about the story?
Are you kidding? Of course not! All I can say is it’s going to be more realistic and less cartoonish. We’re going to see Ethan struggling with the stairs occasionally and forgetting things he had to do so much so he begins to make lists of everything and ticking them of with a biro. We’re still going to have exciting action sequences, but it’ll be more Tom putting together flat pack furniture from Ikea and less terrorist attacks.
Mission Incredibly Difficult but Doable will be released in December, 2015.
HOLLYWOOD – In a break with tradition, Christopher McQuarrie the new director of the Tom Cruise Mission Impossible franchise has stated categorically that the next Ethan Hunt mission will in fact be ‘possible’.
The genius team who brought Jack Reacher to the screen with such explosively flatulent results was only announced today, though the teaming had been long expected. The collaboration, however, marks a definite break with the conventional formula.
McQuarrie spoke exclusively to the Studio Exec:
Up until now all the missions that Ethan Hunt and his team have gone on have been quote, impossible missions, and although in the end he’s managed to complete them more or less, Tom ain’t no spring chicken and this time we decided we should cut him some slack.
So the mission will in fact be easier?
Yep. I mean Ghost Protocol, he had to outrun an exploding Kremlin and climb a goddam skyscraper in Dubai. I mean Jesus. Cut the guy some slack. He’s only Thetan for crying out loud.
So will you be changing the name?
What? Are you high? Of course we’re not going to change the name. What’s it going to be? Mission Doable? Mission Age Appropriate? Who’s gonna see a film with a name like that?
Mission: Impossible 5 will be released in 2015.
HOLLYWOOD – Having taken over the director’s chair of X-Men: Another Title, Bryan Singer has also moved into Matthew Vaughn’s Hollywood home. ‘He just turned up and started putting up his posters and unpacking his things,’ said Simon Garcia, Mr. Vaughn’s home help and handyman. ‘I thought he was the cable guy but later he told me he was the creator of House. I love that show.’
This is not the first time something like this has happened. Christopher McQuarrie recalls how Steven Soderburgh was originally slated to direct The Usual Suspects:
But on the first day of filming Bryan turns up a full half hour before Stevie Soderburgh and just starts giving orders and shooting. By the time, Soderburgh was on set we’d done five pages and the studio liked what it saw. Bryan was in.
Hugh Laurie has also complained about Mr Singer’s free for all philosophy:
First day on House he came up to my dressing room and he started eating a sandwich I’d brought from home and I was saving for lunch. I naturally complained and he turned to me and said, “What’s yours is mine and what’s mine is my own.” I thought he was joking but later that day he was wearing one of my shirts.
Mr Singer was last seen driving away in your car.