Hi, my name’s Bruce Willis.

You may have noticed that when it comes to acting jobs, I’ll take any damn film I’m offered. That’s not just because I’m an empty shell of man and if I’m not working I often find myself sat at my home in Malibu nursing a bottle of Johnny Walker and contemplating putting a loaded revolver in my mouth. 

Sure I have days like that but so do most actors. Hell I know for a fact that Christopher Lambert has attempted suicide at least a 100 times but unfortunately, being a Highlander and all, he can only be killed if he’s decapitated by a sword and if you’ve ever tried to cut your own head off with a claymore, you’ll appreciate what a logistical nightmare that is.

Truth be told I accept any role because I genuinely love money. I love everything about it the feel the smell, the taste. Pop around to my trailer during a shoot and you’ll often catch me pleasuring myself with a fistful of dollars wearing a papier-mache crown fashioned from Japanese yen.  Of course having millions in the bank also enables you to afford the little luxuries in life. Back when I was a bartender in Jersey all I had in my cupboards was a few tins of own brand refried beans and a packet of pop tarts but now that I have to cash to spare, I buy my beans and pop tarts in bulk and often treat myself to family sized box of Ritz biscuits.

During a recent therapy session my psychiatrist suggested that if I passed on some of my financial knowledge I’d feel I was giving something back to the world and this charitable act would, in turn, stop me from praying for death on a daily basis.

So here’s a patented sure fire Willis way of making a little extra cash.

1.      Buy something
2.      Sell it for more than you bought it for.

Easy as that. Drop by next week when I’ll be showing you how premature baldness can get you a tax break.



PARIS – The new autobiography of Highlander and The Sicilian actor Christoph Lambert There Can Only Be Me reveals that the Scottish actor is in fact not Scottish. The Studio Exec has managed to get an advance copy and provide you with the following extracts.

Growing up:

I was born in Great Neck, New York in the United States of America. My father was a diplomat. And we travelled a lot. I grew up mainly in Switzerland, in Geneva and then I went to work in Paris in France. So when people ask where I am from I always say ‘Lots of different places.’

 First Break:

I read the script and then I prepared for the role and then I made the film. And it was only when I went to the premier that Hugh told me ‘You know it’s Tarzan, don’t you?’ I was shocked, but when I thought about it, there were some similarities.

Highlander II: The Quickening:

We were convinced that the only way we were going to do a sequel was if it was better than the original. We worked on the script and rejected at least five or six different versions. Ans then when it came down to it, my accountant said just do it. So I closed my eyes and picked one. And you know it wasn’t absolutely awful.


Je suis Scottish

EDINBURGH – Highlander, the 1986 film starring Christophe Lambert and Sean Connery, has become the unlikely inspiration for a new religion, which believes in the existence of immortals who fight throughout history in order to win the Prize. The religion has attracted high profile supporters – who call themselves the Gatherers and intone the greeting “There can be only one” whenever they meet – such as Huey Lewis (famous from Huey Lewis and the News) and Molly Ringwald.

 “We believe that Russell Mulcahy is actually a high priest and it was given to him the task of communicating the truth of the Universe,” says Ms. Ringwald.

Rituals include running along the beach shouting “Feel the Sh-tag”, listening to ‘rock group’ Queen and adopting ridiculous Scottish (or Scootish) accents à la Lambert. The movement claims that throughout history there have been many immortals such as Louis XVI and Jayne Mansfield, who alas were killed in the one way an immortal can be killed, via decapitation.

‘Spaniard’ Sean Connery

Scientologists have greeted the formation of the religion with gleeful delight, declaring, “Now who’re the fruit cakes?” 

Clancy Brown – who played the Kurgan in the original film and went on to give a voice to Mr Krabs in Spongebob Squarepants – has reacted angrily against the formation of the religion. “They’re just a bunch of assholes,” Mr Brown said. “They attack me on the streets. I’m an actor, and that wasn’t even a good film.” 

Mr Krabs

Criticism has also been heavy in regard to the Quickening that the believers say they experience – a kind of euphoria – and the fact that the only people who have referred to the religion have been Huey Lewis (famous from Huey Lewis and the News) and Molly Ringwald. 


ROME – After weeks of political turmoil following a closely fought and indecisive election, Australian character actor and Memento star Guy Pearce has been elected President of the Republic.

As the Italian head of state, Guy will rule for seven years and next week flies to Italy to be sworn in and supervise the forming of a new government which looks set to include some of the freshest faces in show business, including Max Von Sydow, Harvey Keitel and Eli Wallach, who will be the minister of youth.

Political commentator, Davide Brandalise commented:

Although unconventional, the voting in of a character actor is not unprecedented  In the 1970s, Telly Savalas served as Italian President for two terms, until he was replaced by Christophe Lambert. I think that Guy could be a very good president. 

Pearce will take over from the 88 year old former President, who said he was tired and wanted a long nap.