CLINT EASTWOOD ‘WAS A NAZI’

HOLLYWOOD – American Sniper director Clint Eastwood has been accused of being a Nazi after photographs of the young Clint dressed in a Wehrmacht uniform leaked onto the net.

The furor is only likely to add fuel to the fire of controversy currently raging around the octogenarian’s latest film and Oscar hopeful American Sniper which tells the story of a sniper who is American, but not Lee Harvey Oswald.

Documentarian and Fox News expert Michael Moore told the Studio Exec EXCLUSIVELY:

Clint’s films have often played with right wing ideology. Dirty Harry was called a fascist by Pauline Kael among others, and although the original film retained some ambiguity, the later manifestations were more straightforwardly right wing fantasies. Now what these photographs apparently show is Clint Eastwood dressed as a German soldier circa 1943. In other words at the height of the Nazi Reich’s power. And from this draw what you may.

However, supporters of the Every Which Way But Loose star said that the photographs actually come from a film called Where Eagles Dare, in which Clint ‘played’ a Nazi. Moore was having none of it.

That’s just hair-splitting. Whether he was a Nazi or he played a Nazi in a film the important thing surely is that the word Nazi and the words Clint Eastwood have appeared in a sentence together. And that has to be worth something. I mean, where there’s smoke, surely there has to be fire?

But surely lots of actors have played Nazis, Malcolm McDowell, Ralph Fiennes, Max Von Sydow, Tom Cruise and Christoph Waltz have all donned the uniform.

It only goes to show how bad the problem is.

Clint Eastwood has so far refused to comment, as he was busy working on his new film Triumph of the American Will. 

MY FAVORITE FILM: BEN CARSON

WASHINGTON – Hi Everyone! Ben Carson here. Doctor, Presidential candidate for the GOP and, for one day only, film critic!

My Favorite Film has to be Quentin Tarantino’s superb Second World War film Inglourious Basterds! Why do I like it? Well set a while and I’ll tell you.

In a word: realism! Sure Saving Private Ryan has a visceral quality in its opening twenty minutes or so. And Terrence Malick’s The Thin Red Line has a philosophical weight, bolstered as it is by a Rousssean appreciation of the natural universe. But Tarantino is the only one who really strips away the myths of the Second World War and actually shows you what happened. For reals. So here we see how a crack squad of Jews, armed to the teeth with GUNS, snuck into Nazi occupied France sewed terror in the hearts of the Wehrmacht before finally assassinating Hitler in a Parisian Cinema as the Führer sat there thinking he was all that.

Of course it wasn’t all plain sailing. The dumb ass Brit almost f*cks it up for everyone by ordering the drinks wrong with his stupid British fingers, but the good old US of A manages to rescue the day.

One can’t help but wonder if only the Europeans had owned firearms freely before the Nazis took power then all this awfulness would never have happened. A few dead college students, school children and what not are a small price to pay for the freedoms we win when we own assault weapons privately.

The other bonus of this film is seeing Christoph Waltz and Brad Pitt acting together. They’re great. I knew them when they had a comedy double act outside of Poughkeepsie called the Rambling Rogers. Boy were they funny. And little Eli Roth, riddling Hitler and Goebbels with bullets! It just goes to show torture porn has its uses. If only the same could be said for Planned Parenthood. Ha ha! But of course I’m joking.

For more Favorite Films, Click HERE.

EVERYONE PREPARES TO LOOK SURPRISED WHEN CHRISTOPH WALTZ TURNS OUT TO BE BLOFELD

HOLLYWOOD – James Bond fans have been preparing their surprised faces when the inevitable revelation comes that Christoph Waltz is actually playing Blofeld in the new James Bond film Spectre.

Although the makers are being coy about the casting of Christoph Waltz, the chances are everybody already knows that Christoph Waltz is playing the famous recurring Bond villian Ernst Stavro Blofeld, the head of the criminal organisation Spectre, from which the new film derives its title. James Bond fan supreme C. told the Studio Exec EXCLUSIVELY:

We’re all very excited about Spectre following the success of Sam Mendes’ Skyfall and because it is introducing a key element to the Bond mythology. The name being Spectre there has to be Blofeld. Blofeld has been played in the past by Donald Pleasance and Telly Savalas, among others, and we think that Christoph… I mean whoever plays him in this version will add an illustrious name to the gallery of Bond villains. It is going to be a real shock.

Fans of James Bond and Star Trek will be able to use the face they wore to watch Benedict Cumberbatch reveal himself to be Khan in Star Trek Into Darkness.

Spectre will be released in October, 2015.

MILEY CYRUS SINGS BOND SONG FOR SPECTRE

HOLLYWOOD – Pop star, VMA host and general hard twerker Miley Cyrus is to perform the theme song for the 24th Bond film Spectre, starring Daniel Craig.

Entitled You Didn’t Ex-SPECTRE, the music is by Thomas Newman who is also scoring the picture and the lyrics are by Miley Cyrus herself. It is the first Bond song she has done though she has been covering Octopussy in her live shows, even though there was never actually a song called Octopussy.

James Bond expert Michael Stevens told the Studio Exec EXCLUSIVELY:

This is a great choice. Miley is young and fresh and controversial. She will bring a whole new demographic to the James Bond universe and her iconoclastic gutsy attitude chimes perfectly with 007.

The video, which is currently being shot, is to be directed by Joseph Kahn and will feature the main members of the Spectre cast – Daniel Craig, Christoph Waltz, Léa Seydoux, Monica Belucci and Ralph Fiennes – twerking with the former Hannah Montana.

Spectre will be released in October and Don’t Ex-SPECTRE should be released in the coming weeks.

 

FIRST LOOK AT CHRISTOPH WALTZ AS JAMES BOND IN SPECTRE TRAILER

HOLLYWOOD – The first look at new 007 James Bond Christoph Waltz arrived today in the new Spectre trailer.

The 24th Bond outing features Christoph Waltz as James Bond, Léa Seydoux as beautiful but deadly Bond girl Goldie Hawn, Naomie Harris as Miss Moneyeuro and Ben Whishaw as Q.  Monica Bellucci plays Italian lady and Ralph Fiennes plays Judi Dench.

Although there was some controversy about casting an Austrian James Bond Christoph Waltz himself was relaxed about the challenge:

James Bond has been Scottish, Welsh and Irish. Even Australian! Why not Austrian? After all it’s just a shorter version of Australian, ha ha ha ha!

Studio Exec remains the only film site to EXCLUSIVELY reveal the news of Christoph Waltz’s casting (CLICK HERE), while others continue to speculate that the Inglourious Basterds star is actually playing Bond’s arch-enemy Blofeld. This makes absolutely no sense as Daniel Craig is obviously playing the villain with his cold eyes and weird ears.

Spectre will be released in October, 2015.

5 FACTS WE LEARNED FROM THE SONY HACK

HOLLYWOOD – The Sony Hack has brought about many revelations – Angelina Jolie is talentless and studio execs are not politically correct – but what else have we learned?

The Studio Exec FACT squad has launched itself past the rubble of the firewall to find out.

1. In Sony Pictures, The Amazing Spider-Man franchise is considered a punishment detail – a kind of naughty step – where badly behaved executives are sent. In many of the leaked emails, Sony employees are told that ‘if you are not careful you’ll be co-producing The Amazing Spider-Man 3 and 4’.

2.  The new James Bond film will feature a plot in which Daniel Craig’s James Bond wakes up in Christoph Waltz’s Blofeld’s body. Rumors about Waltz being the first Austrian 007 (rumors first reported here), are therefore proven to be kind of true.

3. Michael Fassbender has a big penis and this plays on the minds of male studio execs constantly. Female studio execs also think about it from time to time. Sometimes they think about it in the same way. Sometimes different. One email exchange reads: ‘ What do you think of Michael Fassbender as a possible nemesis for Spider-Man?’ ‘Re: Spider-man nemesis 1. He is already in X-Men and 2. he has a really large penis.’ ‘Re:re: Spider-Man. 1. I didn’t think about that. 2. Jeez I know. It’s like a baby’s arm!’

4. Nobody wants to see Annie, even without paying money.

5. Ralph Macchio is running Sony from a hovercraft base somewhere off the coast of Japan. According to emails to and from Macchio and Amy Pascal and Michael Lynton, Macchio keeps the entire running of the film company under his thumb, using a combination of his sensei wisdom, his martial artist prowess and his flawless knowledge of computer systems. It is thought that Macchio’s old eighties nemesis, Matthew Broderick engineered the whole hack as a way of getting back at the Karate Kid star for rebuffing his advances to remake Freebie and the Bean.

For more Movie FACTS CLICK HERE!  

CHRISTOPH WALTZ TO BE ‘FIRST GERMAN JAMES BOND’

HOLLYWOOD – In a casting move which shocked the world, Oscar-winning actor Christoph Waltz has been cast to take over from Daniel Craig in the role of James Bond, 007.

The news came from esteemed English newspaper the Daily Mail, which claimed that Daniel Craig had been ditched at the last minute, due to his insistence on inserting his own self-penned ballads into the script (for more on the Daniel Craig’s musical Bond CLICK HERE).

Series producer Barbara Broccoli told the Studio Exec EXCLUSIVELY:

Daniel has been a great Bond. In Casino Royale and Skyfall especially. The Quantum of Solace was hampered by the writer’s strike but that’s history now. However, as we approached the shooting of Bond 24, he began to express some concerns about the script. He’d seen Les Miserables and really liked it and wanted to put some songs in the film which he would sing. Unfortunately he had to go and luckily Christoph was available.

Why Christoph Waltz?

It’s a radical choice. We were thinking of Idris Elba and having the first black Bond, or even Carey Mulligan and the first female Bond, but in the end we decided to go one further and in casting Christoph Waltz we’ll be making history in having our first German Bond!

How is that going to work? Isn’t James Bond quintessentially English?

No, not really. He wants to be English but he’s actually part Scottish, part French. Why not also part German? And to think of all those inner demons he has to struggle with. It will add to his character. And the villain,  Sir Charles Falkland Islands, played by Hugh Grant, will use that to undermine him.

Bond 24 will start shooting in December and is due for release in 2015.

TARANTINO ADMITS ‘CHINESE VERSION OF DJANGO UNCHAINED BETTER’

BEIJING – Quentin Tarantino today admitted that the Chinese cut of his film Django Unchained is actually much better than his own internationally released version.

Although initially it was thought that the cuts imposed were due to the censorship of violence and the bloodiness of the film, Tarantino revealed that Chinese editors were instead trying to fix the last act.

In an interview with French cultural magazine Chapeau, Tarantino said he’d seen the different version and agreed with the changes: ‘I only wish I had seen this version before I released mine.’
In a top secret email to the director, the Chinese editors explained the changes they had made and their reasons. [SPOILERS]


Dear Mr. Tarantino,

We have finished our cut of your exciting Western film Django Unchained and for your interest here is a list of the cuts we have made. We hope that you are not too upset with us as we are great fans of your work, especially Jackie Brown.


  • 7 minutes have been cut from Christoph Waltz’s performance. He is good, but really we don’t need him twirling his moustaches and blathering on for quite so long. Plus giving a white German the name ‘King’ and hinting that he is the intellectual inspiration behind the emancipation of black people is a bit raw. We have toned this down.
  • We cut Franco Nero from the film. You put him in and he did nothing. It was an insult to a great actor to use him simply as a quotation. 
  • Our most radical cut has been the ending. We cut the section between Di Caprio and Waltz’s final scene and the final shoot out. This has several advantages. 1. We lose the Australians (including that fat faced fool of an actor who blows up [where on earth did you find such a fool?]). 2. The opportunity given to Django to escape is simply unbelievable and the long-winded motivation given by Stephen (Samuel L. Jackson) is silly beyond belief. 3. The loss of two major characters leaves much the rest of the film without energy and so to conflate the two gunfight makes more sense. We have added a line of dialogue -‘Oh, here’s another gun!’ – to make it more credible.
We hope you are not to angry with us Mr. T. 
 
Best Wishes, Chinese editors

BRUCE WILLIS CAST IN TARANTINO’S MAHATMA GANDHI KILL KILL KILL!!!

DELHI – The news on Quentin Tarantino’s new film Mahatma Gandhi Kill Kill Kill!!!  is coming in thick and fast with the announcement that Bruce Willis will appear in the lead role.

He’ll join Christoph Waltz who has already signed on as a German clergyman who shows the thin Indian the way to kick British Imperialism out of the Asian subcontinent.
Willis said that he was excited to join up once more with Tarantino with whom he had worked with on Pulp Fiction in 1994.

I think that it’s a good time in my career to move towards something a little more serious and Quentin and I have talked for years about our Gandhi movie. Whenever we met up at parties and what not, we’d huddle in a corner and talk about how we could make this inspirational figure into an ass kicking action star. 

 Are you worried about being compared to Sir Ben Kingsley’s Oscar winning performance?

Honestly no. Me and Sir Ben are different actors. We have a different style. He did the accent and the color and the peaceful wisdom. I doubt we’ll be going in that direction. I’ll be offing British toffs with a Gatling gun and saying things like ‘Pop this Jewel in your motherfucking crown!’ 

Mahatma Gandhi Kill Kill Kill!!! is due to start filming tomorrow.

For more news CLICK HERE.

 

TARANTINO DELIVERS MAHATMA GANDHI, KILL KILL KILL!!!

HOLLYWOOD – Quentin Tarantino promised late last year that he would be completing a trilogy of period films – which began with Inglourious Basterds and Django Unchained – with a new entry and now he has come good on that promise, delivering to the Weinstien company a script that is a radical re-imagining of Sir Richard Attenborough’s 1982 Oscar winner Gandhi provisionally entitled Mahatma Gandhi Kill Kill Kill!!!

The script – which leaked onto the internet within seconds of its completion – sees the bald Indian pacifist confronting the British Imperial authorities with nothing but indomitable will, gentle wisdom and a Gatling gun he drags around in a coffin.

Tarantino spoke to Studio Exec exclusively:

The original film is okay, but it’s the kind of prestigious epic that feels a need to always protect the audience from hard truths. So there’s hardly any violence in it at all. I see Gandhi standing up to the authorities with this kind of quiet dignity and taking all these blows and what not, and I’m just thinking, I bet you could kick their asses. I’d like to see that. 

But isn’t that historically inacc…

Ha hahahhahahahhahahahahahahaha. Ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha hah ha ha ha ha. HA HA HA. Ha. (Sighs) Next question.

 What story…?

Good question. At the beginning, we find Gandhi in South Africa where he’s almost beaten to death by Daniel Day-Lewis, but when a killer called the clergy man Christoph Waltz rescues him they both go on a rampage, destroying Apartheid. That done they head over to India and wreak bloody havoc there as well. Kick British asses and create a country before a Wild Bunch like finale. You see the thing is the Attenborough film was like PASSIVE resistance, and I’m more passive RESISTANCE. You dig? 

Mahatma Gandhi Kill Kill Kill!!!! is due to start filming in the Summer.  

CHRISTOPH WALTZ IS RYAN GOSLING’S FATHER

HOLLYWOOD – Today Hollywood was in tatters following the revelation that Ryan Gosling is actually twice-Oscar-winning German actor Christoph Waltz‘s ‘natural’ son.

‘It’s true,’ the Teutonic actor admitted. ‘Ish.’ Rumors have been rife for some time, but when some idiot typed the words ‘Christoph Waltz young’ into Google, they were shocked to find that the truth had been there all along.

Gosling, whose finest work was not in Gangster Squad, has decided to deny reality.

No my dad is Canadian. I’m not related in anyway to Mr. Waltz although I do admire his work.  I think we just look a little similar. Not really that much when it comes down to it. 

Chrisptoph Waltz – who was famous in his native Germany for having invented a dance – was spotted by Quentin Tarantino in the German version of Dancing with the Stars called Tanzen Mit Den Sternen and cast in Reservoir Dogs where he played the manager of the jewelers that got robbed.

I was disappointed not to be in the finished film, but Quentin remembered me and said one of these days I’ll do a film about Nazis and you can be in that. Really I am a very lucky man. 

How do you feel about having a son?

It’s hard to assimilate. I was very drunk in the Seventies so it wouldn’t be impossible and he is an actor, like me. So yes. I’m very happy. We will play the stick and the bat together.  

MASSIVE OSCARS UPSET

HOLLYWOOD – Tonight the Academy for Motion Sickness and Something Something caused massive controversy and consternation in the Hollywood world by not doing anything in the least bit surprising.

The brilliant TV movie Argo won best picture; Daniel Day-Lewis won for best ACTOR; Amour won for best no honestly film is an art form and not just a commercial venture; Christoph Waltz for not being a Nazi and instead being a white Martin Luther King and Jennifer Lawrence won because last time she won something her dress fell off.

Life of Pi won for best visual effects, which was especially nice since the people who were responsible for those effects have all since been fired: ‘We couldn’t have done this without the people now outside protesting’. Adele won for Best Song; Anne Hathaway for discouraging girls to go on crash diets; Ang Lee for best director (which he is, but not for this film); Tarantino for best screenplay, which really should have been best two thirds of a screenplay. How we wish wish there was a category for best script editor. Searching for Sugarman, deservedly won Best Documentary although like many, maybe I’m not qualified to judge as it was the only one I’d seen in the category.

In the end one of the triumphs of the night was Seth MacFarlane who proved an astute choice and injected some much needed edge into the proceedings. Sorry we doubted you Seth. Still, Pope Benedict XVI has some really blue material I’ve heard.

To read all of our Oscars coverage CLICK HERE.