PAUL RUDD: ‘I WORSHIP SATAN’

LOS ANGELES – Ant Man Paul Rudd has become the latest in a long line of stars to declare their deep and abiding religious belief in the Prince of Darkness, Satan.

‘Hollywood can be a crazy place and being an actor can be a stressful occupation,’ the Ant Man and the Wasp star said smiling affably. ‘I find worshipping Satan brings me inner peace and centres me.’

Rudd’s conversion marks only the latest Hollywood star – Selena Gomez and Christian Slater have also recently declared themselves Satanists – in what is quickly becoming what many are calling the ‘New Scientology’. A new high tech and air conditioned Center for the Promotion of Beelzebub  has opened off Sunset Boulevard, where new celebrity devotees can gather and practice their various Black Masses and rituals.

Paul Rudd speaking from his Hollywood home said:

People think that it’s all worshiping upside down crucifixes, sacrificing babies and desecrating churches. Well I’ve never seen an upside down crucifix, but two out of three ain’t bad, ha ha ha!

Tom Cruise angrily responded to the claims that Satanism had now overtaken Scientology as the new nut-bag spiritual fad.

These people are weak minded and they’re being taken in by charlatans who are basically inventing a lot of gobbledegook that people like Ruddy are just swallowing whole. The main problem is it’s cheaper than Scientology.

Bishop Humbert Humbert of the Roman Catholic church however welcomed the surge in commitment:

What we should focus on here is the fact that these people believe in the same beings we believe in. We’ve been fighting against the wave of Godless atheism, so I frankly welcome Satanists as on our team. I’d rather have a Rudd than a Dawkins any day of the week.

What do you think? Are you a Satanist? Has anyone got video evidence of Paul Rudd eating a baby? Please post comments letting us know your thoughts.

CHRISTIAN SLATER TO STAR IN NICHOLSON

HOLLYWOOD – The Jack Nicholson biopic, Nicholson, starring Christian Slater as the wild man actor starts filming this October.

Christian Slater to star in Nicholson. Directed by King’s Speech and Les Miserables helmer Tom Hooper, the film is based on the 1996 exposé Lucky Bastard: the Life and Times of Jack Nicholson by Beatrix Hammerstian and scripted by Lincoln scribe Tony Kushner.

Slater – best known for his role in Heathers and … was he in True Romance? – said:

These days I’m frankly glad of getting any work at all, but to make a film about Mr. Nicholson … a dream come true. And one I fully intend to make the most of. Of course, I’ll have to radically alter my acting style. But that is a small price to pay for playing someone I regard (and this may surprise you) as a personal hero.

Kushner has revealed that the film will occupy a relatively short period in Jack Nicholson’s life:

I’ve used the same method as I did with Lincoln. Instead of trying for the whole sweep of his life, I concentrated on a particular episode. We’ve gone into it with some real depth. In terms of Abraham Lincoln it was the passing of the constitutional amendment. With Nicholson, it’s the making of Wolf.   

Nicholson himself has refused to comment on the making of the film, but a source close to the actor says that he is very keen to get Jennifer Lawrence’s phone number ‘at any cost’.

Nicholson will be released in 2018.

5 POTATOES THAT LOOK LIKE CHRISTIAN SLATER

HOLLYWOOD – We found 5 potatoes that look like Mr Robot star Christian Slater.

Christian Slater – star of Pump up the Volume, Heathers and Broken Arrow – has always vaguely resembled a potato. Imagine our horror and confusion when we found a series of potatoes that look exactly like the sub-Jack Nicholson star! 

 

potato 2

 

potato 3

Potato 2 was sent in by Alfie Garnett and he wrote: ‘I found this wonderful potato in my garden I was about to peel it when my wife said “that looks just like that actor who used to be famous.”‘         

 
Potato 3 comes courtesy of celebrity chef Nigella Lawson, though she might have been a little fuzzy at the time. She accompanied it with an email about how ‘I’m going to completely clear the kitchen out when I come across this unbelievable root vegetable that looks identical to the star of erm… Young Guns I want to say?’       
     
Potato 4

Potato 4 was flown in from Japan where it was discovered by cult film director ‘Beat’ Takeshi: ‘I hate Christian Slater and was revolted at the idea of eating a potato that looks like him. So I made chips. Ha ha!’

Potato 5 – perhaps the most perfect Christian Slater like potato – was so arrogantly breezy about its resemblance to The Name of the Rose star that the potato turned up at the Critics Choice Awards, claiming it was actually Christian Slater. 
potato 5

CHRISTIAN SLATER TO PLAY FREDDIE MERCURY’S IMAGINARY FATHER

HOLLYWOOD – Christian Slater has signed on to play Freddie Mercury’s imaginary father in a biopic of the Queen lead singer.

Hot on the heels of the news that Remi Malek is to play Freddie Mercury in the new biopic of the Queen frontman came another bombshell. His Mr. Robot co-star Christian Slater has signed on to play the singers ‘father’.

Christian spoke to the Studio Exec:

This is a great opportunity. Bryan Singer is a great director and as soon as I heard Remi was hired, I knew they’d want the set. I’m a huge fan of Queen. Of course. Freddie Mercury’s upbringing in Zanzibar and India was really interesting. His background as a Parsi is fascinating. And for years he was under the influence of a man he only knew of as Mr. Queen. Freddie was the only person who could see him. It was only later that it turned out that this was his father. His long dead father. A psychotic projection.

But that didn’t happen. His father survived him. 

Ah! That’s what you think.

Queen will be released in 2018.

5 FACTS YOU NEVER KNEW ABOUT JOHN TRAVOLTA

HOLLYWOOD – John Travolta is one of the most popular stars of all time but what do we really know about him?

I’ve got FACTS they’re multiplying! And I’m losing control:

1. It’s hard to choose a stand out role in this fine actor’s long career: Tony Manero, Danny Zuko, Vincent Vega, Chili Palmer, Battlefield Earth dude or Robert Shapiro. However, John Travolta considers Broken Arrow his masterpiece. ‘I don’t know what it is about that movie,’ he said. ‘Everything seemed to go right. John Woo was a great director, Christian Slater was such a fresh young talent and I got to say the line, ” Would you please not shoot at the thermonuclear weapon?” which is the kind of line every actor dreams of saying.’

2. Not only can John Travolta can fly an airplane, he can do it with no hands. And when the plane takes off, he always likes ‘to pop a wheelie’ before soaring into the wide blue yonder.

3. When filming Grease it soon became apparent that John Travolta’s singing voice wasn’t strong enough. And so Billy Joel overdubbed all the songs and much of the speaking parts.

4. To research American Crime: The People v O.J. Simpson, John Travolta spent hours watching television and wearing clothes. The television program he watched was Friends because he wanted to feel close to Ross Kardashian.

5. Although there are many people who criticise Mr. Travolta’s adherence to the Church of Scientology, as a humorous website we applaud it and hope that it long may continue.

For more FACTS on everything from this to that click HERE! 

EVERYONE GOT TO EPISODE 5 OF MR. ROBOT

HOLLYWOOD – It was revealed today that everyone got to episode five of USA’s Mr. Robot before giving up.

A study by the Federal Office of Uncertain Statistics revealed that everyone who watched  Mr. Robot watched it until episode five and then gave up. The show stars Rami Malek as Elliot, a computer programmer who works for a cyber security company by day, but by night uses his skills to right wrongs etc. It’s like Knight Rider with laptop instead of a car called KIT 9000. Elliot is recruited by the mysterious Mr. Robot (Christian Slater) the leader of a group of rag tag predictably diverse hackers.

Dr. Parker Fillipe of the FOUS told the Studio Exec EXCLUSIVELY:

The viewer experience of Mr. Robot has been unusually unanimous. Everybody watched the first two episodes and thought it was ‘kick ass’, ‘genuinely original television’ etc. High approval. Then then next two episodes intrigue and interest slowly congeal as twists are predicted and Elliot’s Asperger’s voice-over becomes tiresome. What viewers found particularly irksome was how something was said and then immediately contradicted. For instance in the first episode he talks about how devastatingly lonely he is and then ten minutes later he’s in bed with his beautiful drug dealer. I imagine that is resolved in a later episode but none of us could be bothered at this point.

Has any other show been so universally judged in a similar way?

Critically yes. Lost finale, or True Detective Season 2 spring to mind, but people still watched, and most people watched all the way to the end. But Mr. Robot, no one and I mean absolutely no one watched passed episode 5.

Mr. Robot Season 2 is due in 2016.

PAUL RUDD: ‘I WORSHIP SATAN’

LOS ANGELES – Paul Rudd has become the latest in a long line of stars to declare their deep and abiding religious belief in the Prince of Darkness, Satan.

‘Hollywood can be a crazy place and being an actor can be a stressful occupation,’ the This is Forty star said smiling affably. ‘I find worshipping Satan brings me inner peace and centres me.’

Rudd’s conversion marks only the latest Hollywood star – Selena Gomez and Christian Slater have also recently declared themselves Satanists – in what is quickly becoming what many are calling the ‘New Scientology’. A new high tech and air conditioned Center for the Promotion of Beelzebub  has opened off Sunset Boulevard, where new celebrity devotees can gather and practice their various Black Masses and rituals.

Paul Rudd speaking from his Hollywood home said:

People think that it’s all worshiping upside down crucifixes, sacrificing babies and desecrating churches, well I’ve never seen an upside down crucifix, but two out of three ain’t bad, ha ha ha!

Tom Cruise angrily responded to the claims that Satanism had now overtaken Scientology as the new nut-bag spiritual fad.

These people are weak minded and they’re being taken in by charlatans who are basically inventing a lot of gobbledegook that people like Ruddy are just swallowing whole. The main problem is it’s cheaper than Scientology.

Bishop Humbert Humbert of the Roman Catholic church however welcomed the surge in commitment:

What we should focus on here is the fact that these people believe in the same beings we believe in. We’ve been fighting against the wave of Godless atheism, so I frankly welcome Satanists as on our team. I’d rather have a Rudd than a Dawkins any day of the week.

What do you think? Are you a Satanist? Has anyone got video evidence of Paul Rudd eating a baby? Please post comments letting us know your thoughts.

CHRISTIAN SLATER SPENT TWO DECADES SPREADING FREEDOM

HOLLYWOOD – It was revealed today that Christian Slater has spent the whole of the last twenty years spreading freedom via his anonymous radio show Pump Up the Volume.

Sources close to the Heathers actor, reported that Mr. Slater in the early nineties decided to sacrifice his own career as a film actor and dedicate himself to fighting for the rights of the dispossessed and those without a voice. 

He began in Nicaragua, and then spent a year with some Amazonian tribes in the depths of the Rain Forest. He’s been to Haiti, Somalia, Afghanistan, the Democratic Republic of the Congo and Nepal. He’s even been into North Korea. He turns up in his mobile radio truck and plays Leonard Cohen’s ‘Everybody Knows’ and then lays down the truth. He was very inspired by the fall of the Berlin Wall and the release of Nelson Mandela and for some reason believed he was instrumental in both events.  

Hollywood insiders were now considering ‘case closed’ on one of the abiding mysteries of recent film history, of how the ‘most versatile actor of his generation’ (John Travolta) had not achieved his full potential. Political commentators have already started rewriting recent world history to take into account the Slater effect. ‘We know for a fact the Arab Spring is entirely Slater’s doing,’ said one analyst. ‘Who knows how big the impact has been?’

Somewhere out there, in the dark night of oppression, a light is shining, and Christian Slater is going to work.