CHRISTIAN BALE ARRESTED

MIAMI – Christian Bale was arrested at a hotel suite in Miami, Florida in the early hours of this morning following a 911 call from a man identifying himself as Michael Keaton. A spokesman for the Miami PD in a statement issued shortly after 6 AM said ‘A young Caucasian adult male who has played Batman and is not Michael Keaton, or Adam West, was arrested at his hotel room at 4.13 this morning and charged with illegal possession of property.’
The possessions that were confiscated are thought to be a box set of Season 2 of The Wire which Christian Bale is believed to have borrowed from Mr. Keaton last Christmas and has not, as yet ‘got round  to watching, though I’ve heard some really good things about it,’ as he told Rolling Stone in May. Mr. Keaton befriended Mr. Bale following his casting as Batman:

Christian called me up and asked if I had the second season of The Wire, as he’d just finished the first and was really hooked. I said sure, but I knew what he was really saying to me was come and give me advice, I want to sit at the feet of the master. The Batman.

Some have accused Mr Keaton of resenting Bale’s success in the role and entrapping him. Catherine Zeta Jones screamed at reporters: ‘That Beetlejuice asshole has always had it in for Christian.’ Some have even claimed that Mr Bale was lured to Florida, innocent of that State’s draconian DVD box set laws, which were recently buttressed with a provision allowing for chemical ‘limb-utation’ for anyone keeping a HBO series for more than two months.

TOP 10 FACTS: ‘MAN OF STEEL’

HOLLYWOOD – What are the facts about Man of Steel? Nobody knows.

So here they are. The Facts. About Man of Steel.

  1.  Executive Producer Jon Peter’s is the former hairdresser of Barbara Streisand and the inventor of the mullet.
  1. Henry Cavill spent a year on the Planet Krypton in order to prepare for the role of Superman/Clark Kent. During his stay he learnt basic Kryptonese which enabled him to order in restaurants and ask for directions to the train station.
  1. Michael Shannon will play the villainous General Zod, a role formerly played by British actor Terence Stamp. Coincidently both Shannon and Stamp are very fond of Pea and Ham soup.
     
  2. Adam Sandler, David Spade, Rob Schneider and Kevin James were all considered for the role of Superman in a parallel universe.
     
  3. Damon Lindelof was originally hired to write the script. In his version Superman is a god who was impregnated by a squid which eventually resulted in the creation of human beings. Warner Brothers CEO Barry Meyer rejected the treatment on the grounds of it being “Bullshit”
     
  4. Russell Crowe will play the part of Superman’s father Jor-El, a role formerly played by Marlon Brando. Director Zack Snyder wanted Brando to reprise the role but Marlon never returned his calls.
     
  5. Cavill was so immersed in his character he spent hours staring at frozen microwave meals in Supermarkets trying to cook them with his heat vision.
     
  6. Zack Snyder agreed to have Christopher Nolan enter his mind and erase all memory of Sucker Punch before he was hired to direct.
     
  7. Rumour had it that Batman would make a cameo appearance after Christian Bale was spotted in costume on set but according to Snyder, Bale was simply asking the crew if they had any information about the whereabouts of The Riddler.
     
  8. Brandon Routh was also seen on set which gave rise to speculation he was going to play Superman’s evil twin. Turns out he was just delivering Pizza. 
     
    For more FACTS on everything from this to that click HERE! 
 

MARK WAHLBERG TO STAR IN TRANSFORMERS 4

HOLLYWOOD – Mark Wahlberg – one of the best associate or executive producers currently working in the business – has shocked colleagues by moving in front of the camera to act in Michael Bay’s forthcoming Transformers 4.

However, it has come to light that Mr. Wahlberg is not a stranger to the limelight, having actually secretly acted in a number of films in the past. Apparently Wahlberg was in a film called Ted in which he was stood next to a teddy bear and he was also in The Fighter (according to sources) standing near Christian Bale. Some wild eyed madmen have even argued that he played the fighter of the title, but surely … was that … was there a fighter? I can’t. Scientist Johnny Harridan explains:

Mr Wahlberg is indeed an actor and has appeared in a number of films but he has a condition which is called IAS: Inductive Amnesia Syndrome. We see him and our eyes see that we see him but something goes wrong with the memory and the brain communication and we forget that we saw him. Like women forget the pain of childbirth. 

Film Critic Sorohan Shanks was less forgiving:

It’s like they taken a huge bucket filled with liquid turd and they just ladled in a bit more turd. 

BREAKFAST WITH ASSHOLES 5: TERRENCE MALICK

Bran, fruit, hot milk, Heidegger, Jaegermeister and coco-pops

Terry Malick famously doesn’t give interviews, but he does eat breakfast, and Studio Exec was invited over to Malick HQ to break bread with the great man during magic hour and finally ask him some questions. He was out on the heli-pad waving flares even though I’d told him on the phone I would be arriving by car. He threw the flare into a sand bucket and then, breaking open a bottle of Jaegermeister, grabbed me in a head lock and rubbed the top of my head with his knuckles. “Hey my man!”, he barked, “You bring a camera?”
To my surprise, Terry was very disappointed that I hadn’t brought a camera. “I wanted you to take my photo. They keep using that one of me wearing that big hat – I look like a f*cking dufus.”

I assured him we would use a different one as we went into the house and down the spiral staircase (like a seashell, or a Spanish cathedral, or a fractal drawing of the universe) to the kitchen. The Jaegermeister was gone. “Do you want some coco-pops?”, he asked, “Or bran? What do you want? Who are you? Are you there? What are you that wants breakfast? Two ways of eating breakfast: the way of fiber and the way of taste? Who are you to ask for breakfast? Have you seen the glory? It was here somewhere. The glory? Near the little bowl where I keep my keys, maybe.”


Terry seemed to drift off and indeed was soon wandering about the house, inspecting the microscopic movement of bacteria or glancing out the window at the flaring sun. I asked him how his latest film To the Wonder had come about.


“I was talking to Ben Affleck and the 007 girl and I got them to run about a bit. Buffaloes in a field, birds take flight, the sun glimpsed through the sudden flash of water. Who are we? What are we? Who cares? Threw it all together and hey presto! Classic!”


And you are currently working on Knight of the Cups?


Temptation, celebrity, excess. Yes.


With Christian Bale and…


Everybody on the planet. I got everybody who I could. You hear the phrase open casting call. I mean I know, right now I know, I’m not going to use half of these people, not even a tenth. You see I write a script like a novel, a really great novel. They read it and they say yes. Then I throw the script out. Throw it the fuck out and get them to walk around beaches, deserts, forests looking confused. Some Arvo Part, a little Gorecki, who knows, a dinosaur even. Bang! Classic! Malick in the house!


Right. 


There’s always got to be a river. Every single film there’s a river. Badlands, The Thin Red Line – that fucker Spielberg and his Saving Private Ryan bullshit – Days of Heaven, The New World and The Tree of Life. River, river, river. You ever see that Redford film, A River Runs Through It? That was Bobby’s homage to me. Oh, and a fire and a bird cage.


Terry slumps worn out with all his thinking and bleary eyed with the liqueur. He naps for a few minutes, and then resumes his musing:


And you know, why do we do this? Is there a God? Who is the power? The power that draws us on? What is it at the heart of nature? Where do we come from? Who are you?  


I like it. Philosophical inquiry, like Heidegger?


No, I mean who the fuck are you? Have you come to install my cable? Terry has to have his wrestling


No, I’m Chad. We spoke on the phone. 


But Terry had lost interest he had opened another bottle of Jaegermeister and was setting off flares in the back garden, screaming ‘I see the glory!” at the top of his lungs. On my way out I spoke to Pedro ,his PA, and expressed my disappointment at the interview. “Such a wasted opportunity.”, I said, “He only gives one interview in three decades…”


“What are you talking about?”, Pedro said, “He gives tonnes of interviews, but they’re all like this so no one uses them.”


At last in Studio Exec, Terry had met an outlet with absolutely no standards whatsoever.

For all the Breakfasts CLICK HERE.