KNIGHT OF CUPS: A ‘PORN FILM’

HOLLYWOOD – Showing at Cannes this year, Terrence Malick‘s new film Knight of Cups is a hardcore porn film according to actor Christian Bale.

Speaking in an interview with French Cultural magazine Chapeau, the Dark Knight actor stated bluntly: ‘I have sex with lots of women. And that’s basically it.’

Very little is known about the film, except for the bare bones of the plot, which has Christian Bale working in the music industry and having relationships with a series of women, including Natalie Portman, Freida Pinto and Cate Blanchett. Later in the interview, Bale gives some idea of Malick’s motivation for the extraordinary genre shift:

When Tree of Life came out, Terry was a bit nonplussed that Lars Von Trier hogged the limelight with his Nazi gaffes and Melancholia, which some thought was a better film. So once he heard Lars had done Nymphomaniac he phoned me up and said ‘Right Christian, drop the Heidegger and strip!’

However, fans of Malick needn’t worry about the new direction the film is taking.

Once we did all the sex scenes, and there are many and they’re all very explicit. But once we’d done them, Terry got us all in the recording studio for two weeks and we dubbed hours and hours of whispered voice over.

Philosophical stuff? Spiritual yearning?

Erm. No, not really. More, ‘Oooh that’s a big one’ and ‘Mmmmm lovely tits’. Tastefully done mind you. Tons of Goreki.

The Knight of Cups will be released 2016. 

MARK WAHLBERG TO TAKE UP ACTING

HOLLYWOOD – World famous co-producer and executive producer and former underpants rap star, Mark Wahlberg is going to try his hand at acting, he announced today.

Mark Wahlberg came over to the Studio Exec bungalow for an EXCLUSIVE conversation and to reveal his change of career path:

I love the film and TV business and I’m very proud of the work I’ve done producing Entourage and Boardwalk Empire but now I feel the time has come for me to take a more creative role in front of the camera.

The announcement was met with some confusion as the Contraband and How to Make it in America producer has appeared in a number of films as a cast member but Wahlberg laughingly dismissed all that as ‘not really counting’.

Wahlberg said:

Oh sure, I stood in front of the cameras and said some words and stuff but, shit, that wasn’t really acting. Half the time I thought we were just getting the lighting levels and  was there to save money and a stand in. Then I go to the premiere and there I am walking through a movie. Did you see M. Night Shyamalan’s The Happening? Me being in the movie as an actor? Now that was a twist!

‘I first got the idea when I was standing in front of Christian Bale during The Fighter and he was behaving really odd and afterwards someone told me that was acting,’ the In Treatment co-producer said. ‘I thought I’m going to do this. If Christian can do, why shouldn’t I be able to? Tell me that. Why?’

His first project is going to be King Lear, directed by Steven Soderbergh.

King Lear starts filming Wednesday and is due out Friday.

AMERICAN HUSTLE: REVIEW

AMERICAN HUSTLE: REVIEWS – Christian Bale is FAT Robert de NiroBradley Cooper is Mean Streets Robert de Niro, Amy Adams is hot English female Robert de Niro and David O. Russell is Martin Scorsese in American Hustle.

Although set in recognizable Goodfellas territory, Russell’s crime caper is actually a hugely enjoyable romp with none of Scorsese’s dark anguish. The music, the costumes, the hair and the hair pieces are turned to eleven. The ensemble cast (including yet another out of the park performance by Jennifer Lawrence and an against type Jeremy Renner) are given freedom to quirk up their characters and bounce off each other. Hustle is jam packed with ‘nailed-it’ cameos (comedian Louis C.K. is particularly good) and moments of eccentric fun. If there’s one criticism, it’s that Russell is so intent on making his maverick cops, corrupt politicians and con (wo)men loveable, that the film becomes not only un-edgy but positively squishy. That said it’s sexy and witty and well done. 

OUT OF THE FURNACE: REVIEW

OUT OF THE FURNACE: REVIEW – Beardy Bruce Wayne works in the steel mill from the Deer Hunter and looks after his brother, the coward Robert Ford, who has come back from Iraq with his Hurt Locker full only to become the least likely bare knuckle boxer since… well, ever.

However, things take a turn for the worst when in an attempt to settle his debt with Jesus Christ, the coward Robert Ford decides to fight for Woody from Cheers up in Deliverance land.


Ever since Winter’s Bone, film makers have been trying to remake it, but with boys and this is a solid enough effort. The acting is its strength, the ensemble manage to keep the melodramatic overdrive grounded despite the over-egged pudding of psychopaths, alcoholism, gangsters, Post Traumatic Stress Disorder, drunk driving, parental death, love triangles, murder, pregnancy and revenge. There’s also a scene with a kitchen sink. 

The clichés come thick and fast – the hunter NOT shooting the deer (cf. Deer Hunter again) – but it is testament to the talent involved that I didn’t scream at the screen too loudly.

CHRISTIAN BALE ARRESTED FOR HAVING ‘A CRUEL FACE’

HOLLYWOOD – Christian Bale was arrested in the early hours of this morning and charged with being in possession of a cruel face, according to officers of the LAPD.

He was apprehended while walking alone in the vicinity of the hotel where he was allegedly staying. An LAPD statement read:

A 39 year old Caucasian male was stopped by officers at approximately 2 AM Monday morning. When questioned the man replied politely that he ‘was taking the air’, but the officers on closer inspection decided that the man was in possession of a ‘cruel face, that looked like it would be scary to wake up beside.’

Various law enforcement agencies have begun to clamp down on  dead eyed expressions and people with sardonic smiles, as well as the usual suspects: ‘eyes too close together’, ‘face I want to slap’ and ‘looking funny’. It is believed Christian Bale fell into cruel face category. Face expert Jonty Piers said:

Bale looks like the kind of man who makes love in silence, emitting the occasional thin giggle. He probably watches It’s a Wonderful Life dry-eyed from start to finish. I’m not saying he’s a cruel man. I’m just saying his face looks like it belongs to a cruel man. 

Christian Bale will most likely get let off with caution, although if he is charged, then fully expect a Bale Bailed headline in the next few hours. 

American Hustle and Out of the Furnace both feature Christian Bale’s cruel face.

VAL KILMER CRITICIZES BAT KID’S ‘UNCONVINCING PERFORMANCE’










SAN FRANCISCO – Val Kilmer has come out with a shocking attack on Bat Kid, the little boy who thanks to the Make a Wish foundation saw his dream come true.
The Saint star said:

I wish the lad well, but as an actor, a professional actor, if I see a wooden performance I’m gonna call it. I did it with Anthony Edwards in Top Gun; with Marlon Branco in the Island of Dr. Moreau and I’m doing it now. I don’t give a shit. My art is too important for that.

The comments came in direct contrast to the endorsements that Bat Kid received from Christian Bale and Ben Affleck. Even George Clooney admitted that the 5 year old had done a better job of ‘inhabiting the character.’ However, Kilmer was unrepentant.

When I was Jim Morrison in The Doors, I put on weight, I drank and took drugs, I slept with really beautiful women. In other words I sacrificed myself to become Jim Morrison. With Batman, I spent six months as a full time millionaire and six months as a vigilante. If Bat Kid prepared at all for his role – which I saw no evidence of – then he did not give it to his performance and it suffered as a result.

Val Kilmer will be appearing in Twixt

CHRISTIAN BALE OFFERED WALES TO REPRISE BATMAN ROLE.














HOLLYWOOD– After failing to tempt Christian Bale with an offer of $50 million dollars to reprise his role as Batman in Man of Steel 2, Warner Bros have allegedly offered Bale his native country of Wales if he agrees to sign up for the blockbuster sequel.


“It’s going to be a difficult offer to turn down,” said Hollywood reporter Buck Freeland.

Christian is a proud Welshman and when he was a kid he used to say his ambition when he grew up was to be King of Wales. Now it looks as though he’s going to get the opportunity to realise that childhood dream.

Freeland went on to say that this isn’t the first time an actor has been offered a nation.

It wasn’t widely reported but Robert De Niro was given Cyprus as payment for his role in Little Fockers and it’s rumoured that Johnny Deppwill be declared Emperor of Canada should he agree to do Pirates of the Caribbean 5.

Meanwhile an anonymous source in the Welsh Assembly told The Studio Exec that although the news of the Bale offer came as a surprise, he didn’t think there’d be much objection.

Christian is Welsh and we’d much rather give our taxes to a Welshman than some English Toff. As long as he likes Rugby and makes sure our bins get collected once a week, I’m sure he’ll be embraced with open arms.

However British historian Roger Beef believes that Bale would implement changes to the country that will not please all of his subjects.

At the age of 7 Christian was asked by his teacher to write down ten things he would do if he was the King of Wales and his plans are pretty out there. A bouncy castle in every garden, vanilla ice cream instead of water from the taps. Free pizza and the introduction of flying cars. Okay, some of those might be workable but his idea of full employment and a redistribution of wealth is both preposterous and juvenile.


Christian Bale will star in American Hustle due for release in December 2013

TERRENCE MALICK’S KNIGHT OF CUPS CAST LIST REVEALED













TEXAS – Terrence Malick is a film director who likes to keep his cards close to his chest but with a spate of new projects following on from the festival bow at Toronto and Venice, Ben Affleck and Olga Kurylenko dance movie To the Wonder, new news is coming in thick and fast. Latest tba is the full cast for his latest project, Knight of Cups.


Plot details are thin though we do know it is set in contemporary America, has to do with the film world, and stars Christian Bale, Natalie Portman, Frida Pinto, Ryan O’Neal, Ryan Gosling, Private Ryan, Antonio Banderas, Joel Kinnerman, Cate Blanchett, Wes Bentley, Wes Anderson, Teresa Palmer, Laura Palmer, Imogen Poots (that might be a made up name), Michael Wincott, Michael Fassbender, Michael Sheen, Charlie Sheen, Barry Sheen, Mr Clean, Steve McQueen, Helen Mirren who played The Queen, and Freddie Mercury from Queen. Also starring in smaller roles: Sean Penn, Adrien Brody, Robert deNiro, Robert Redford, Robert Shaw, Christopher Walken, Christophe Waltz, Christophe Lambert, China Crisis, the cast of Krull, the isle of Mull, Jessica Chastain, Al Pacino, C. Thomas Howell, Philip Seymour Hoffman, Dustin Hoffman, Martin Freeman, Martin Scorsese, Steve Martin, Martin Sheen, Martin Short and Martin Lawrence.  

Cage ‘drunk again’

 
Nicholas Cage, despite lobbying for a role, was turned down because ‘that would be excessive’. Of the cast, only Natalie Portman and Christian Bale will appear in the finished film, the rest have been given roles that will be cut out because Terry is, according to one source, ‘an avid autograph hunter’.

CHRISTOPHER NOLAN DIRECTS THE WOMBLES MOVIE

LONDON – Fresh from the success of  Interstellar, Christopher Nolan is to write and direct The Wombles: Wombling into Darkness.

Based on a BBC children’s program from the 1970s, the film tells the story of a group of creatures known as the Wombles, who live in burrows under Wimbledon Common and collect the litter left by humans, recycling it for their own use. Casting is already well under way for this live action version, with Michael Caine to play Great Uncle Bulgaria, Christian Bale in the role of the engineer Tobermory and Gary Oldman will play the sleepy shirker Orinoco. The plot so far is very sketchy although Nolan has promised that the film will include a different take on the origin story of the Wombles and will be much grittier and more realistic.

Nolan told Studio Exec:

Caine
The Wombles are of our age, being the precursors to the Green movement. However, the environmental disasters we face – extreme weather, the melting of the ice caps, the iniquity of huge corporations – means that their solutions are basically inadequate. In the face of these pressures, Orinoco has become a drug addict and Great Uncle Bulgaria is beginning to use methods which have some similarities to the moral quandaries of the NSA.
Uncle Bulgaria

Eva Green is also in talks to play Miss Adelaide, the love interest. Although there is no confirmation as to who will direct the film, Zach Snyder is the current favourite. 

‘He does have the kind of restraint this piece needs,’ said an obviously confused Nolan.

The Wombles: Womble into Darkness is due to start filming in 2015.

  

DIRECTOR’S CUT OF DARK KNIGHT RISES ‘WILL OFFER ALTERNATIVE ENDING’

MONTREAL – The Dark Knight Rises: Director’s Cut will be released on Blu-Ray in early May and it promises some fantastic behind the scenes documentaries, a commentary by Christopher Nolan and – of course – a wonderful chance to see the film in high definition.

But it also includes fifty minutes of previously unseen footage and an Alternate Ending, the details of which Studio Exec can exclusively reveal.

Controversy has raged for months after the release of the concluding part of Christopher Nolan’s celebrated trilogy – riots in Pakistan, fistfights on football terraces in England and Palestinians and Israelis exchanging rocket fire on the Gaza strip – all of which conflict can be summed up in one question: does Batman die at the end of The Dark Knight Rises?
Was the autopilot fixed?
How would he have time to rush around leaving notes for someone to water the cat and feed the plants if he had really bought the farm?
Was Alfred’s vision of Bruce and The Devil Wears Prada girl just a vision?
Wait, how many questions was that?
Now Studio Exec can reveal that in the new extended edition, everything is resolved. We see Batman running around and sorting out all his little errands and, when Alfred spot Master Wayne in Italy, he approaches the table and sits down and says, ‘So Master Wayne, you’re alive!!’
To which Bruce answers, ‘Yes I unambiguously am.’
All laugh in way that becomes a little creepy at which point Bruce Wayne leans forward and puts something on the table. ‘Or AM I?’ he says, and spins the top. It spins off the table and everyone has to get off their chairs and on their hands and knees to look for it and see if it is still spinning or not.

JUSTICE LEAGUE PLOT LEAKED

HOLLYWOOD – The new Justice League movie – which is currently in a secret state of pre-production – now has a synopsis based on a treatment of a later draft of the script which fell into the hands of the Studio Exec when Christopher Nolan left his bag in the office.

The plot is an original piece of story telling which promises to make for an epic adventure when it finally arrives on our screen in 2015. Read the full synopsis after the jump.

Nick Fury is director of S.H.I.E.L.D, The Justice League is an international peace keeping agency. The agency is a who’s who of DC Comics Marvel Super Heroes, with Green Lantern Iron Man, Batman, The Incredible Hulk,  Superman,Thor,  Aquaman, Captain America, Flash,  Hawkeye   Martian Manhunter and Black Widow  and Wonder Woman. When global security is threatened by Loki Doctor Light and his cohorts, Nick Fury Superman and his team will need all their powers to save the world from disaster.

Christian Bale has also just announced that he will both be in the film and not be in the film in accordance with his new adherence to the teachings of the Church of Latter Day Randy Quaids, the fastest growing religion ever.

The Justice League will be released in November, 2017.

TOM HIDDLESTON RELEASED ON BAIL

LONDON – Tom Hiddleston – the swan murderer of Hyde Park (for more on that story CLICK HERE) and Loki from The Avengers – was released from a central London Police station under bail after a hearing at the Westminster Magistrates Court early this morning.

The presiding Judge commented that despite Tom Hiddleston’s wealth, his public persona made it unlikely that he represented a flight risk. The bail was set at £150,000 and – in a piece of irony that pleased everyone present – Christian Bale was present in court to pay the sum, a service he has performed previously for Nick Nolte and Tom Sizemore.

A pale shaken (slightly dreamy) Mr. Hiddleston refused to make a statement, but was heard clearly to state that the swan had been ‘looking at him.’ A spokesperson for the Crown Prosecution Service said that they would be seeking a severe penalty against Mr Hiddleston should the charge be proven, but declined to say if they would be seeking the death penalty, which technically would still be an option.
Angelina Peters of the Swan Appreciation Society (S.A.S) threw white feathers at Mr Hiddleston as he made his way into a waiting helicopter. She said:

It is a disgrace when a leading androgynous actor can decapitate swans willy-nilly and expect to get away with it. That innocent swan had done nothing and was plainly minding its own business when Hiddleston tore her beautiful head off.

Jodie Foster has come out in solidarity with Mr. Hiddleston, but Emma Stone criticised him saying: ‘eeeewww!’

ZOOLANDER 2 CONFIRMED AS MALICK’S NEXT PROJECT



HOLLYWOOD – Ben Stiller has revealed that Terrence Malick has signed up to write and direct the long awaited sequel to the fashion comedy Zoolander.
We originally hired David Lynch but the script he turned in was just too bizarre,” said an uncomfortable looking Stiller.


“His idea was to set it in the future and have Hansel and Derek enter into a love triangle with the disembodied head of Laura Dern, which is being controlled by the reanimated corpse of Dennis Hopper. We thought that would work but a couple of scenes in, he completely lost the plot. Singing bananas, spider monkeys on helium and a sex scene between Kristen Stewart and the Stay Puff Marshmallow man. I said ‘David. What about the fashion?’ and he turned around, cackled, then disappeared in a puff of green smoke.”

Stiller was left with no option but to track down Malick who – he discovered – was living in a secret bunker somewhere in the Arizona desert.

“Terry has quite the arsenal down there. Bazookas, M16s, a couple of suitcase nukes. He told me he had recently been dabbling in genetics with the aim of trying to create the perfect soldier and did I want to see the results. I declined but a while later I saw three creatures working on his tank that looked like a cross between Christian Bale and the Borg from Star Trek. “

Stiller also denied reports that Malick’s take on Zoolander will be more spiritual and philosophical than the original.

“Oh no, he told me he’s done with all that. His new mantra is sex and mindless violence. My favourite scene in the whole movie is when Derek meets God and makes his head explode by flashing him the new and improved Blue Steel.”

Zoolander 2 is due for release in 2015.


BALE BAILED

MIAMI – Christian Bale is once more a free man as he paid a $10,000 bail and had to put up with a number of strained puns from presiding judge, Justice R. Peters. However, the Rescue Dawn superstar is not completely out of the woods as more accusations were made today.
 Morgan Freeman – Bale’s co-star in the Dark Knight Trilogy – also accused the British born actor of having borrowed several box sets including the entire West Wing and the first two Six Feet Under seasons.

‘He also has my last season of Lost,’ said the Shawshanker (as Mr. Morgan prefers to be known). ‘But he can keep that.’

Mr. Bale’s trial is set to go ahead early next year and if found guilty, he could face the controversial ‘limb-utation’, which has only recently been assigned as a punishment to DVD Box Set Borrowing infringements.