HOLLYWOOD – Warner DC have announced a new film called Batmen that will tie up all the different versions of Batman currently in production.
The new film, Batmen as announced by Warner DC, will finally see Robert Pattinson’s Batman share the screen with Ben Affleck, Michael Keaton and Christian Bale, directed by Mr. Titanic James Cameron.
A Warner insider told us:
We have so many Batman incarnations in production at the moment that we figured, why the hell not? So we just threw them all on the table. Then we drove trucks of money up to Pattinson, Affleck, Keaton and Bale’s homes and magically, they agreed. Because Batman is so popular, there’s no way we can lose money on this one. Just imagine all of the toys.
James Cameron is on board and is very excited:
This will be the start of what we are proud to call ‘The Batverse’. If that crap can work for Spiderman and those oh so colourful people at Marvel, then why can’t it work for us? It’ll be like The Odd Couple, but in a Batcave and four of them instead of two, but you get the idea. Affleck will be like Walter Matthau but in a cape and cowl, he’ll be the big burly, grumpy one. Keaton will be like Jack Lemmon, always trying to tidy up all the Batarangs left lying around. Pattinson will be like their kid, or something and Bale will just hang around in the shadows, shouting, ‘Where is she?!’
The cast is impressive. “We’ve also bought the rights to Adam West’s voice work on Family Guy and he’ll play the voice of the Bat Computer,” said Cameron. “We’ll have Joaquin Phoenix wheeling Jack Nicholson around and Jared Leto will just post boxes of shit to everyone. Two Face will now be Four Face with Aaron Eckhart and Tommy Lee Jones looking like Zaphod Beeblebrox. This thing writes itself.”
Cameron promised to work on the film just as soon as his latest Avatar film is released.
Batmen goes into production in 2030.
TEXAS – Terrence Malick to remake We Bough a Zoo.
Visionary film maker Terrence Malick has revealed that his next project following Knight of Cups will be a remake of the Cameron Crowe classic We Bought a Zoo, starring Matt Damon and Scarlett Johansson.
The news was revealed by Christian Bale, who finished shooting with Malick earlier this year. Speaking to Danish bacon magazine Swine, Bale said:
I was really disappointed working with Terry. Everyone said he was a deeply philosophical man and even a poet of sorts, but my experience was that he is absolutely obsessed by the career of Cameron Crowe. Knight of Cups is basically Almost Famous with some added Heidegger and as the film went on it became evident that he had lost interest and was already thinking about his next project.
What is your favourite time to eat bacon?
Breakfast. He was working on the script for We Bought a Zoo and constantly phoning Cameron Crowe for tips and hints about how to make the film. He wants to cast exactly the same people, Matt Damon and Scarlett Johansson, and it will basically be a shot for shot remake but with an extensive voice over.
We Bought a Wonderful Zoo of Glory will be released in 2019.
HOLLYWOOD – A fan has written Terrence Malick a letter asking him to stop making films.
With the release of Song to Song, Terrence Malick continues his race to the bottom with another star-studded wander fest. 75 year old Ayrton Conseesee – a lifelong Malick fan – felt moved to write the following letter:
Dear Mr. Malick,
I have been with you from the beginning. I remember the excitement I first felt when I saw your debut movie – Badlands – starring then unknown Sissy Spacek and Martin Sheen. What amazing talent is this!? You turned a tawdry tale of a serial killer and his girl into a meditation on life and childhood and nature and America’s innocence. With Days of Heaven, we were once more in a period of American history and following the little known Richard Gere into a world of almost Greek tragedy. The film was stirring in the lyricism of its images and the beauty of the soundtrack.
Then came the hiatus at which point your reputation grew. The Thin Red Line showed that your power had not diminished. And even The New World gave us a new version of American innocence and its loss.
The problem seemed to start when you decided to swap history for autobiography and your innovations staled into traits.
Tree of Life was visually unbelievable but one occasionally longed to stop the ever moving camera and to allow the characters to actually speak to each other. To have dialogue. Without conventional blocking, your actors actually became more stilted as they wandered about not knowing quite where to stand. Instead of bringing in fresh faces you were now able to command true star power with Brad Pitt. This didn’t always benefit the film. To the Wonder had Ben Affleck in it! Knight of Cups starred Christian Bale. It was like you were collecting Batmans.
Song to Song has followed swiftly on and this is with a documentary in the middle, which I also saw. It looked like a reel they put in a TV store to convince you that 4K is worth selling a limb to buy.
And now Song to Song. Please Mr. Malick would you stop making films. It’s like supporting a terrible football team. You know they’re going to lose but you have to watch anyway. Or buying a Bob Dylan album in the 80s. Which gives me hope. Maybe you can come back. Maybe you can do it again. But you need to ditch the voiceovers, block your actors and write a fricking script this time.
HOLLYWOOD – Taiwanese director, Ang Lee – fresh off the success of the no-holds-barred action blockbuster The Life of Pi and Billy Lynn’s Long Halftime Walk– has signed on to film an adaptation of another unfilmable book, Paul Wilson’s massive best-seller The Little Book of Calm.
‘It’s vacuous, trite and full of semi-mystical bullshit for people who want religion without the pogroms,’ said Lee. ‘I see it as a direct sequel to Pi.’
Mr. Lee said that he first came across the book when he was playing with himself:
Life can be quite stressful and I used to seek relief by following the example of Onan. Well, I spotted this book in a pile after inadvertently hitting it bull’s eye. I opened it at random and read. ‘When you rest, you are a king surveying your estate. Look at the woodland, the peacocks on the lawn. Be the king of your own calm kingdom.’ That was it. I was hooked.
The film has already signed up Joaquin Phoenix and Christian Bale. Bale said that his recent experience in prison has changed him (for more on that story READ HERE):
I picked up the Little Book of Calm and read: “When you’re feeling under pressure, do something different. Roll up your sleeves, or eat an orange.” All of a sudden everything seemed okay. And Michael Keaton was just a bad memory.
The Little Movie of Calm will be released in 2018.
Hidden Gems brings to light little known film gems which have somehow slipped through the collective cinematic consciousness. This week The Dark Knight. You’re welcome.
I’ll never forget the day Chris Nolan came into my office and said to me ‘Exec!’ he was informal like that ‘Exec! I’ve got an idea for a movie: the Dark Knight’. Of course, I thought it was going to be a historical epic. King Arthur perhaps. Or Ivanhoe. Still the kid was hot and floppy blond hair and an adorable British accent so I said okay and validated his parking. It wasn’t until a year later that I saw the finished product. The Dark Knight made no sense. ‘Where’s Batman’s origin story?’ I asked. ‘There’s a gaping hole where his parent’s funeral should be.’ ‘But we covered that in Batman Begins,’ Chris countered but I cut him off. ‘I want facts, not excuses.’ The film was dark and exciting. The action sequences were terrific and the pace kept on going. Even without the funeral, there was a chance we might make it.
However, audiences rejected it wholesale and it sank without a trace. With all the postmortems, it became clear that there was one major component that simply hadn’t worked. The villain of the piece was called the Joker, played by a young Australian actor Heath Ledger, but he was hopeless. I don’t want to sat it was his fault – the script gave him nothing – but the fact was he was not funny. A joker who doesn’t tell jokes? I mean screenwriting 101 guys. Maybe it also lagged a bit at the end and the part when Batman lies to protect Harvey Dent’s reputation made zero sense.
The film tanked and unfortunately so did Ledger’s career. At least, I haven’t seen him in anything recently. Nolan went back to England with his tail between his legs and is now directing the odd episode of Coronation Street – a soap opera set in Manchester, UK. If you can find a copy of the Dark Knight it still holds an odd ball charm and will make you wonder what the same material would have been like in the hands of someone a little more competent. A Zack Snyder perhaps.
HOLLYWOOD – Christian Bale has begun filming the follow up to Knight of Cups, provisionally entitled Knight of Cups 2.
Terrence Malick’s new film Knight of Cups premiered last year at Berlin and has since being doing the rounds of the festivals. It has received a mixed reaction from critics with some praising Terrence Malick’s continued journey up his own ass and others being more critical. Christian Bale however has revealed that the reclusive filmmaker has already begun filming the follow up to the film and Bale himself returns as Rick, the LA based writer who wanders about a lot.
I can’t tell you too much. As you know, Terry is really strange when it comes to working. He tends to give you a script and then we throw it away and spend the whole time wandering around. We’ve been filming for five days and I’ve wandered around in an airport, on a beach and in a supermarket. The supermarket scene is very reminiscent of the scene in To the Wonder where Ben Affleck wanders about a supermarket. This might be Terry’s most self-referential film yet.
Yeah, there’s this scene where there a tree. And I asked Terry, is that a reference to the tree of life? and he shook his head but he was smiling at the same time. And then Rick underlines a quote in a book and he does it in red. A thin red line! You see?
So the story?
As I said that isn’t really clear, yet. We know that Rick has had a lot of issues with his father and his brother and a series of beautiful women. So he spends much of Knight of Cups 2 wandering around Los Angeles again and he meets up with some other women, Scarlett Johansson, Jennifer Lawrence, Meryl Streep, basically any actress who hasn’t seen the first Knight of Cups.
I know. But Terry always wants to push it further, so the second half of the film Rick goes to Seattle and he wanders about there.
Well, he wanted to go to Vegas but he got on the wrong flight.
Knight of Cups 2 will be released in 2018.
HOLLYWOOD – In a move that has shocked and delighted Hollywood Adam McKay director of financial comedy The Big Short has promised that all profits of the movie will go to charity.
New comedy The Big Short starring Steve Carrell, Christian Bale, Ryan Gosling and Brad Pitt has a lot of fun with the financial crisis but director Adam McKay has decided to put something back:
It’s very simple. Thousands of people lost their homes as a result of the chicanery that we are portraying. It is great that people will know more about it because of our movie but the important thing is that satire and laughter lines cannot put a roof over people’s heads. So we’ll be taking every penny we make from The Big Short and giving it to the people who suffered from the financial crisis. Those who had their homes foreclosed. Those who lost their jobs.
I know. Brad, Steve and Ryan are joining suit. But it isn’t the first time we did this. When we made The Other Guys which is my answer to Serpico we used the profits to fund an organisation that investigates police corruption. When we made Anchorman 2 the only reason we did that is so that we could raise funds to build a home in new Mexico for unemployed men with mustaches.
Wait, is this a joke?
And when we made Step Brothers we used the money that Will Ferrell and John C. Reilly donated to buy Africa and fill it with food.
This is bullshit Adam. So you didn’t give the money to charity?
Are you kidding? I’m taking all the money I make and I’m giving it to my fund manager. This economy is going to crash and burn and I’m set to profit twice over. First with the shorts I’m paying for now and second with The Big Short 2: You F*cking Idiots.
The Big Short 2: You F*cking Idiots will be out shortly.
HOLLYWOOD – You know him as the star of such movies as The Big Short, The Knight of Cups and Exodus: Gods and Kings, but Christian Bale has also spent the last five years building up a secret mouse army, it was revealed today.
Christian Bale, star of Rescue Dawn, The Dark Knight and American Psycho, popped in to the Studio Exec bungalow to explain revelations that broke about his 15,000 strong mouse army mustered in a secret location somewhere in Colorado.
I’ve always been fascinated by rodents in general and the possible military application an organised horde of cheese nibblers could have. Imagine if you will the desert in Syria. The terrorists are just breaking for lunch and in the distance they hear this thundering. The ground begins to tremble. But it isn’t in the distance, it’s actually really close and over the dunes arrive 15,000 mice, led by me in a chariot. I would be in my famous Berserker mode, probably quite thin for this one. And we’d just cut them to pieces.
I thought of that. I tie tiny little razor blades to the ankles of the mice and so when they just run straight through the ISIS people it’s just blood spurt and arterial spray everywhere. The squeaking of the mice will be deafening along with the screams of dying Jihadists.
Where did you even come up with such a scheme?
Oh that makes sense.
We are already in talks with the US military about our deployment and I would remind them that they said no boots on the ground. They didn’t say anything about tiny mice feet.
The Big Short is on general release. Image courtesy of @ThePixelFactor.
LONDON – News just came in that Batman star Christian Bale is to play British home computing mogul and revolutionary vehicle designer, Clive Sinclair.
Speaking exclusively to the Studio Exec, Christian Bale discussed the appeal of the project:
Clive Sinclair was a true revolutionary. Before Steve Jobs, or Bill Gates, Clive Sinclair brought into millions of homes the personal computer, the ZX81 and the ZX Spectrum. He was a driven man and one that I will be proud to play.
Is it going to rival the Steve Jobs film?
A bit. But that isn’t the reason I’m doing. I’m very much looking forward to seeing what Michael Fassbender can do with the role I ended up turning down. But the key to our film is that we are looking at the latter part of his career when he tried to move into motor vehicles and specifically the Sinclair C5 Car which was a revolutionary way of getting rid of cars altogether. If it hadn’t been for the combined dirty tricks of Ford and other motor car companies then we really could have had that future that we used to read about in comic books. With the backpack helicopters things and the food in pills.
Heat and Last of the Mohicans director Michael Mann will be behind the camera and the screenplay is by Frank Cotrell Boyce. We asked Christian what Michael brought to the project.
I think he’ll add a surprising element of action. Many people today unfairly remember Sinclair as a kind of sad, boring, slightly weird character. But when they see the gunfight in a multi-story car park in Norwich and the C5 chase down the A595 towards Barrow-in-Furness, they’re going to have to do a lot of reassessing.
Sinclair is due to be released in 2018.
HOLLYWOOD – Terrence Malick’s new film The Singer Stepped Out is directly influenced by the career of his son Zayn Malik who recently left the ‘pop’ group One Direction.
The garrulous filmmaker and director of such films as The Thin Red Line and The Tree of Life Terrence Malick is to make a new film based on his son Zayn Malik’s singing career. Malick spoke EXCLUSIVELY to the Studio Exec about the venture:
It is going to be unlike anything I’ve ever done before. It’s not going to have a voice-over! And it’s actually a musical. But all that aside, it’s just great to have an opportunity to work with Zayn after years of being estranged.
What was the cause of the estrangement?
Well, I have always been a genius film director, but I guess I wasn’t always the best father in the world. I used to whisper a lot to him about nature and the soul and I guess kids just want to play Nintendo and have fun. For a while there he was very angry. So much so he even changed the way he spelled his name to a new trendy fashion without the ‘c’, but his career took off and we would find ourselves booked on the same talk shows.
Who had the idea?
We both came to a juncture in our careers. To the Wonder and Knight of Cups were greeted by audiences with the same warmth as you’d get offering urine samples in champagne flutes. Zayn had left One Direction and was at a loose end and we got talking about his career and we said why not? I think it’s going to be groovy to see our two audiences come together. Many of whom don’t even know we’re related. Zayn will play himself and Val Kilmer is on board to play Ryan Gosling. Ryan Gosling is playing Natalie Portman and Natalie Portman is playing Christian Bale. Mickey Rourke, Rachel Weisz and Adrien Brody are in it as well but we’ll cut them out. We always do. It’s kind of a tradition
Will any other One Direction members participate in the film?
That sack of talentless shits! No way.
The Singer Stepped Out will be released in 2019.
HOLLYWOOD – In his continuing effort to tinker with his back catalog, David O. Russell is this week to release a digitally recast version of The Fighter.
The new version of The Fighter will feature Robert deNiro, Bradley Cooper and Jennifer Lawrence. Jennifer Lawrence will play the part of Amy Adams, Robert deNiro that of Mark Wahlberg and Bradley Cooper will take on the role of the brother which won Christian Bale a much deserved Oscar. As previously reported, David O. Russell has already produced a critically acclaimed digitally recast version of Three Kings, which caused the New Yorker’s Anthony Lane to write cogently:
It’s like watching a George Clooney film, but with Bradley Cooper in it.
However, O. Russell is getting some blow back, specifically from his old actors who feel they have been unfairly replaced. Christian Bale screamed hoarsely down the phone to the Studio Exec EXCLUSIVELY:
Oh yeah, well done! Recast me, get Bradley f*cking Cooper to play my part! You piece of sh*t. I’m a f*cking professional you f*cking nonce. I sh*t f*cks like you every f*cking day of the week. You globular arseh*le. And another thing don’t you *ucking dare th*nk about t*uching my fucking p*nts.
The Fighter Redux will be released this week.
Image courtesy of @ThePixelFactor.
HOLLYWOOD – Following the success of American Hustle and The Silver Linings Playbook, David O. Russell has announced that he is to digitally recast his old movies, beginning with Three Kings, with Bradley Cooper, Jennifer Lawrence and Robert deNiro.
Three Kings is expected to be only the first of several of Russell’s older works to get the treatment:
Spanking the Monkey and I Heart Huckabees are both films that I would love to see Bob, Bradley and Jen be a part of. They’re such great actors and now that I’ve got them digitally, who wouldn’t want them in your movie?
How did you get them digitally?
It’s a very technical process, but basically you just film them saying all the sounds in the phonetic alphabet and going through a routine of gestures and facial expressions. Was a time it would’ve taken years, but now we can do it in about half an hour. Jennifer Lawrence took seven minutes.
What about the ethics of replacing actors who have performed for you?
Oh, that isn’t a worry. They were paid for their work and if you want to see George Clooney in Three Kings, there’ll be old DVDs knocking around somewhere. But in this version it’s fresh faced Bradley Cooper and Jennifer Lawrence instead of Mark Wahlberg. How can you possibly object to that? Plus to create continuity I’m also going to do the Fighter with Jennifer taking over Wahlberg’s role and Bradley Cooper as Christian Bale’s part.
Three Kings: Redux will be released in 2016.
Image courtesy of @ThePixelFactor.
HOLLYWOOD – Director of Avatar, Titanic and the first two Terminator films, James Cameron has come out swinging in support for the latest film in the Terminator franchise, but his shirt mutely contradicted him throughout his comments.
Even as James Cameron said that he considered Terminator Genisys – starring Emilia Clarke and Jason Clarke – as the third film in the series – dismissing Terminator Rise of the Machines and Terminator Salvation – his shirt seemed to be colorfully saying ‘I liked Terminator Rise of the Machines’. Cameron spoke about how he loved watching Terminator Genisys as a fan and how pleased he was with how respectful the film was to its predecessors, the paisley (?) shirt suggested a suppressed love of Christian Bale’s John Connor.
Science fiction aficionados were quick to hit the comment boards and pick apart the subtext of Cameron’s shirt.
Swiss Sci-fi buff Xavier Poulis wrote on the Freejack fan site Jaegger:
I think it’s obviously a throwback to the sixties and the Golden Age of Science Fiction shirts. It’s psychedelic exuberance suggests nothing less than the Stargate section of 2001 a Space Odyssey. Although Cameron was letting off spoilers, left right and center, his shirt seemed to subtly undermine almost everything he said. Hinting that fans of the first movies will again be wearing that fixed fake smile that Schwarzenegger flashes in the trailer as they watch the new film unfold before their unbelieving eyes.
It is believed that Paramount have given James Cameron’s shirt a three picture development deal and that its first project will be a remake of The Deep.
Terminator Genisys is directed by Alan Taylor, written by Laeta Kalogridis and Patrick Lussier and will be released on July 1, 2015.
HOLLYWOOD – Following his destruction of The Gambler, Mark Wahlberg has sworn that he will not rest until he has destroyed The Six Million Dollar Man as well.
Mark Wahlberg is due to star in the remake as Steve Austin (in the original played by Lee Majors), an astronaut who is almost killed when the experimental airplane he is test flying crashes and his body is rebuilt to the cost of Six Million Dollars! Now with super strength and super speed which despite looking really slow is actually really fast, Steve goes on to fight crime as secret agent, controlled by the mysterious Oscar.
Wahlberg turned up at the Studio Exec bungalow and started throwing his weight around.
I screwed up The Gambler, I screwed up Planet of the Apes. I screwed up The Italian Job. And now I’m going to ruin The Six Million Dollar Man.
But why Mark? Why?
Because I can! I’m sick to death of people telling me my films are rotten and I make a much better associate producer than I do an actor. I want to be taken seriously. And so I’m going to ruin a beloved TV show or remake a really good movie badly until the critics start taking me seriously.
Why don’t you just try and make a good film?
I did. I made The Fighter. But then Christian GODDAMN Bale got the Oscar. What’s the point? That skinny asshole! No, I’m going to basically hold the film watching community ransom until I start reading some good reviews. Ted 2 would be a place to start.
That’s not going to happen.
Then I’m going to keep at it.
Why are you doing this?
Because I’m deeply unhappy. Deeply. Can’t you see, I’m not a bad person? I just want to be loved. To be loved and understood. Jesus. Come on. The Happening was seven years ago. Please, can’t you just forget it ever existed. Please I swear to God, I’ll never make anything that bad again. Please. Can’t I ever be forgiven? I associate produced Entourage. That has to count for something!?
Six Million Dollar Man will be released in 2016.