HOLLYWOOD – News just in that Christian Bale, who turned down an opportunity to reappear in the role of Batman, has opted to take on another superhero role instead: Daredevil.



July 21st. 2013

I popped into the grocery store for some chamomile tea and this kid, he must have been about ten, pushed in front of me. I said to him that I was next in line and he apologised but I punched him in the face anyway just to teach him a lesson.

July 23rd. 2013

Zack Synder invited me around for dinner. I told him I’d love to come as long as we didn’t discuss Batman. He said he had no problem with that so I went around to his house and when he opened the door he was dressed in a Batman costume.  I said “What the F*ck Zack. I told you no Batman!”. He said he was sorry for luring me there under false pretences but he really wanted me to reprise the role. I said I understood but if he mentioned it again he was going to get a punch in the face. Suffice to say I was asked to leave before the fish course.

July 28th. 2013

I didn’t go out today so I had to punch myself in the face twice in order to release my pent up aggression. It took the edge off for a while but to be honest, it just wasn’t as satisfying as punching other people.  

July 29th. 2013

I went on a bit of a crazy spree earlier. I ran around the streets of Manhattan randomly punching strangers in the face. I was stopped by a cop but he said he’d let me off with a caution if I gave him my autograph. He passed me a piece of paper and I wrote “To my good friend Officer Frank Jones. Sorry for punching you in the face.” Frank looked puzzled “but you never punched me in the face?” Ten seconds later he arrested me for assault on a police officer.

July 30th, 2013

I was at a charity dinner for victims of violence and I bumped into George Clooney. He asked me how it was going and then he made a joke about us both playing Batman. Usually that would compel me to punch him in the face but George is such a lovely man. Thankfully Jude Law was on the table next to him so the evening wasn’t a complete waste of time.


HOLLYWOOD– After failing to tempt Christian Bale with an offer of $50 million dollars to reprise his role as Batman in Man of Steel 2, Warner Bros have allegedly offered Bale his native country of Wales if he agrees to sign up for the blockbuster sequel.

“It’s going to be a difficult offer to turn down,” said Hollywood reporter Buck Freeland.

Christian is a proud Welshman and when he was a kid he used to say his ambition when he grew up was to be King of Wales. Now it looks as though he’s going to get the opportunity to realise that childhood dream.

Freeland went on to say that this isn’t the first time an actor has been offered a nation.

It wasn’t widely reported but Robert De Niro was given Cyprus as payment for his role in Little Fockers and it’s rumoured that Johnny Deppwill be declared Emperor of Canada should he agree to do Pirates of the Caribbean 5.

Meanwhile an anonymous source in the Welsh Assembly told The Studio Exec that although the news of the Bale offer came as a surprise, he didn’t think there’d be much objection.

Christian is Welsh and we’d much rather give our taxes to a Welshman than some English Toff. As long as he likes Rugby and makes sure our bins get collected once a week, I’m sure he’ll be embraced with open arms.

However British historian Roger Beef believes that Bale would implement changes to the country that will not please all of his subjects.

At the age of 7 Christian was asked by his teacher to write down ten things he would do if he was the King of Wales and his plans are pretty out there. A bouncy castle in every garden, vanilla ice cream instead of water from the taps. Free pizza and the introduction of flying cars. Okay, some of those might be workable but his idea of full employment and a redistribution of wealth is both preposterous and juvenile.

Christian Bale will star in American Hustle due for release in December 2013