COWBOY NINJA VIKING ‘JUST A BUNCH OF WORDS’ ADMITS PRODUCER

HOLLYWOOD – New Chris Pratt project Cowboy Ninja Viking is ‘just a random collection of words’ admitted the producer today.

Speaking EXCLUSIVELY to the Studio Exec, a producer close to the film said:

Everything about the film is pretty random actually. I mean we’re even getting the guys who did John Wick, David Leitch and Chad Stahelski, to direct it and nothing could be more random than that.

So you don’t have a story, or script?

Story!? Ha! Well, yeah originally the idea was for the film to be a sequel to Tinker Tailor Soldier Spy. We were brainstorming and just throwing stuff to the wall. Butcher Baker Candlestick Maker, someone said, Cannibal Pederast Belieber. And then someone said ‘Hey Cowboy Ninja Viking Pirate?’ And someone else said… I think it was me … said: ‘Lose Pirate’ and the rest is history, or the future. One of the two.

But we heard the film is based on a comic book by A.J. Lieberman and the artist Riley Rossmo, isn’t that true?

Oh we always say that when we haven’t got a script. Remember Iron Man, that was supposed to be a sequel to the Iron Giant but we just spat some stuff out and pretended it was based on a comic book. Ironically there now is a comic book. Who would have thought, huh?

Cowboy Ninja Viking will be released in 2016.

CHRIS PRATT TALKS INDIANA JONES

NEW YORK – Chris Pratt has finally confirmed in a soon to be published interview with WHACK magazine that he has been asked to play the lead in the Indiana Jones reboot.

“I still can’t believe it,” said Pratt:

A few years ago I was selling coupons door-to-door and now I’ve got the opportunity to play one of the most iconic characters in movie history but it’s not going to be easy; Ford might be knocking on but he’s tough and experienced. My aim is to take him out quickly before he can get in close.

Asked what he was talking about, Pratt elaborated:

Well the way the Hollywood casting system works is they make their top two choices fight to the death. I had to break Freddie Prinze Jr’s neck to get the part of Star Lord in Guardians but this one will be harder both psychically and emotionally.

Ford is said to be in peak condition after training for the upcoming Stars Wars VII and his agent said he is determined keep hold of the famous Fedora.

It’s not common knowledge but way back when they were casting the original movie Harrison had to fight Tom Selleck. It was a close bout but Tom finally succumbed to Harrison’s patented one-inch punch. Of course, back then it was a more gentlemanly affair and nobody fought to the death but Hollywood is a different, more brutal place these days. I remember watching George Clooney Vs Judd Nelson back in 1995. Horrible stuff. The image of George beating the twitching corpse of Judd with his own spinal column still haunts me to this day.

According to film historian Fitz Fullsome, the tradition began in 1941 when George Raft and Humphrey Bogart were up for the role of Rick in Casablanca.

It was the first and still most controversial casting fight in movie history. Raft had trained hard and looked unbeatable but Bogie sauntered in carrying a glass of scotch and kicked George right in the nuts and he went down like the Titanic. Years later when Bogie was asked by New York Times reporter Charles Lane about the incident he cooly lit a cigarette, took a puff and uttered the immortal line “Well Charlie, if all that stands between you and greatness is another man’s balls. You better kick his before he kicks yours.”

The Indiana Jones reboot is due in 2017.

JURASSIC WORLD: SCRIPT LEAK

HOLLYWOOD – The long awaited new entry in the Jurassic Park franchise, Jurassic World directed by Colin Trevorrow, isn’t due for release until June, 2015 but the Studio Exec has received a leaked draft of the screenplay and we publish it here EXCLUSIVELY.

EXT. Isola Nublar – DAY

A group of visitors enter the now fully functioning Jurassic World Theme Park.

TOUR GUIDE

Welcome to Jurassic World.

GUEST 1
Wow look. Dinosaurs!

T-Rex, veolciraptors etc. romp.

 GUEST 2

Isn’t this dangerous?

LITTLE BOY

Yeah, mister. Didn’t something go terribly wrong about twenty or so years back?

TOUR GUIDE

Ha ha! Isn’t he adorable? No, little fella. There were some incidents right at the very beginning. Teething problems. But they only people who were killed were fat, lawyers or black.

GUEST 1

Thank Gosh.

GUEST 2

But couldn’t it happen again?

TOUR GUIDE

No, not at all. The security systems are fool proof and the only way of deactivating them is if someone were to press this big red button.

LITTLE BOY

This one.

Little Boy presses big red button. An alarm SOUNDS and the fences are all deactivated.

LITTLE BOY

Oh cripes!

Dinosaurs break the fences and eat the Little Boy, the Tour Guide, Guest 1 and 2.

The END.

CHRIS PRATT CELEBRATES GUARDIANS HIT BY EATING

HOLLYWOOD – Chris Pratt has celebrated the critical and commercial success of his new movie Guardians of the Galaxy by going on a three week eating spree.

Pratt, who plays Peter Quill in the new Marvel Science Fiction adventure, names eating as one of his favorite hobbies:

As soon as we wrapped the film I knew we had something good so I just unlocked the fork and spoon from the house safe and set about Super Sizing me!

Friends of the Parks and Recreation star have expressed some concern:

It isn’t healthy yo-yoing from fat to thin and back again. I know Christian Bale can do it, but he’s like Christian Bale. He can basically do anything.

But the Lego Movie actor dismissed such concerns:

Look, I’m going to be making Knight Rider in a few months, so I know I’ll go on a diet and start working out. Look out for the selfies! But in the meantime, can’t a man just admit the truth. Working out sucks, and eating lots of food is the bomb!

Knight Rider will be released in 2016.

JURASSIC WORLD WILL FEATURE ‘DINOSAURS’

HOLLYWOOD – A bombshell quite metaphorically exploded over Hollywood this morning, as the world woke up to the thrilling news that the blockbuster dino-franchise Jurassic World will be released sometime in June, 2015, having at some point prior to that date been (hopefully) made and will feature dinosaurs.

The film will not be directed by Steven Spielberg, but he will get a production credit, as he does with any film or television series that someone talks about while he is in the same room.
Although a cast and director, script and storyline have not so far been decided upon two things did become clear:

  1. It will make a lot of money. 
  2. It will feature dinosaurs of some description.  

Mark Protosevich has had several meetings with Steven Spielberg to flesh out story ideas. ‘We said it would be a really good idea if it made a lot of money,’ said the writer of Poseidon. ‘We didn’t put an exact figure on it, but it was clear Steven thought lots of money would be great. John Sayles had offered a story line which didn’t explicitly have anything to do with making a lot of money and although it was an interesting idea we dropped it in the end, preferring the idea of making money.’

Spielberg also insisted according to Protosevich that dinosaurs be included in the plot. ‘I did a draft, just a treatment really, where I used Rhinos, another with librarians, pebbles, small churches, really large mice, bubble wrap, olives. Steven listened patiently for like an hour, then he leaned forward and said something like “try dinosaurs”. All of a sudden the whole thing made sense. Just like that. That’s why he’s Steven Spielberg, I guess.’

Jurassic World will be released in June 2015.