PRATT V WORTHINGTON MEDIOCRITY MATCH-UP

HOLLYWOOD – If you like your lead actors non-descript, not too good looking and with more than a slight hint of vanilla about them, they’re your guys. Having built their whole careers around being able to stare at tennis balls on the ends of sticks, they’ve somehow made it to the top. That’s right, it’s a Studio Exec Pratt v Worthington Mediocrity Matchup. We examine which of them is truly the most mediocre movie meh.

Pratt V Worthington Mediocrity Matchup!

Sam’s big breakthrough role came in James Cameron’s Avatar. A film where he had a team of hundreds animating his face for the vast majority of the film. Chris Pratt rose to fame in Parks And Recreation. He played Andy Dwyer, an unintelligent, loveable rogue. He then expanded his range when he played Starlord in The Guardians Of The Galaxy, an unintelligent, loveable rogue… in space. Few could have predicted his turn in Jurassic World, where he played Owen Grady, an unintelligent, loveable rogue… with dinosaurs.

Sam The Franchise Killer

Sam went on to singlehandedly destroy the Terminator franchise as well as the whole 3D film industry as Perseus in the remake of Clash Of The Titans. His stone cold performance resembled a Medusa victim and made Harry Hamlin look like Daniel Day-Lewis.

The Roles That Got Away

Sam famously lost out to Daniel Craig for James Bond. But then again, we don’t know how close he came to being Bond. I sent in my showreel and heard fuck all back from EON Productions. So does that mean I also lost out to Daniel Craig for the role? And who can forget the rumors that Pratt was being touted to play Indiana Jones. Just imagine Indiana Jones and The Ancient Fart Gag, directed by James Gunn.

Mediocrity Matchup: Winners And Losers

The tagline for Alien Vs Predator was ’Whoever Wins, We Lose’. Well, with this mediocrity matchup, this has never been truer.

AVATAR: AD NAUSEUM Will Saturate Your Multiplex This Coming December

MCU APPEARANCE MANDATORY FOR ALL ACTORS

BREAKING NEWS – With news that the final hold-out actor, Will Poulter has joined Guardians Of The Galaxy Vol.3, The Screen Actor’s Guild (SAG) have declared an MCU appearance is mandatory for all actors. The Exec spoke with SAGA representative Joleen Knuckles to explain why the MCU appearance is mandatory for all actors.

Joleen, Why Is An MCU Appearance Mandatory For All Actors?

I don’t think ‘mandatory’ is the right word for it. I would say that it’s suggested. It’s just better for everyone, if you catch my drift.

What Do You Mean By That?

Let me put it this way, have you ever tried to put out a fire when your hands have been cut off? No, of course you haven’t. But then again, you aint a fully paid up member of The Screen Actor’s Guild. That fucking punk, Poulter thought he didn’t have to appear in a Marvel film. That is, until Rocko, Stabber and Fucknugget paid him a visit. He saw sense pretty soon after that.

But There Are Lots Of Actors Who Haven’t Appeared In A Marvel Production.

Oh, yeah? Like who? Hang on, wait, let me get my notebook out.

Timothee Chalamet. He Said In A Recent Interview He Wouldn’t Appear In A Super Hero Movie.

Who does that skinny fuckin’ twiglet think he is? Does he know who he’s messing with here? We’re the god-damned SAG. That piece of shit. You wait until I speak to his agent. I’ll have that mofo hanging out of his penthouse balcony by his ankles before he can say ‘Martin Scorsese’. Who else is holding out on us?

I Think You Now Have Every Living Actor Signed Up.

We aint stopping there. We can deep-fake the dead ones. That’s basically what we do with Chris Pratt anyway. We’ll start with Yul Bryner as Professor Charles Xavier in an X-Men reboot. Because they haven’t done that franchise for a couple of years.

Guardians Of The Galaxy Vol.3 Enters Production Shortly

JAMES GUNN KUNDUN REMAKE GREENLIT

Hollywood – Disney today announced they have greenlit a James Gunn Kundun remake.

The Suicide Squad director will helm a remake of the Scorsese tale of the young Dalai Lama. With the James Gunn Kundun remake greenlit, The Guardians director promises it will be an all action CGI spectacular. The Exec sat down to talk remakes and Scorsese with Gunn.


 

How will your Kundun be different to the Scorsese version?

“What many people don’t know about the early life of the Dalai Lama, he was a hyper-violent vigilante. He would often dress up in a costume, sneak out of the monastery and fight crime.”

 

Was there much crime to fight in rural Tibet?

“Oh shit, yeah. There were gangs of psychopathic supervillains everywhere. But many of them had superpowers. Luckily, the Dalai Lama can fly with his rocket boots. So, many nights, he would put his Walkman on, listen to Bowie and fly around looking for criminals.”

 

That sounds a bit like Star Lord from Guardians?

“No. It’s completely and totally different. Honest.”

 

Who is playing the Dalai Lama?

“Chris Pratt. Because he has the right balance of physicality, spirituality and slapstick comedy chops. Michael Rooker will play the Chinese Government representative who shafts the Lama. But in this version, the Lama doesn’t go into exile. There’s gonna be a huge CGI fight between the two. Because Skyscrapers blowing up everywhere as they fly around in their laser-ships is true cinema.”

 

What do you think Martin Scorsese will make of this, given his recent comments?

“Marty? He wrote the fucking script! This was the story he originally wanted to tell but couldn’t get the funding. He wanted to film mid-air battles but the technology wasn’t available. People are making a whole thing about what Marty said. But it’s all misdirection, believe me. Taxi Driver would never have ended like that if he’d had a decent budget. Travis Bickle would have become a masked vigilante. Goodfellas would have had a running gun battle like Heat. It’s all bullshit.”

 

James Gunn’s Kundun Begins Filming Next Month

JAMES GUNN REVEALS THE SUICIDE SQUAD RUNNING TIME IS 60 SECONDS.

HOLLYWOOD – Twitter imploded this morning after James Gunn revealed the running time of his final cut of The Suicide Squad is exactly one minute.

 

After hearing the news, outraged fans began tweeting their outrage. @outraged22 said ‘This is outrageous!’ whilst @alwaysoutraged9 wrote ‘I’ve never been so outraged!’

Karen Shill, editor of the notorious website www.fuellingoutrage.com also commented on the brewing controversy via her Twitter handle @outrageforsale:

‘I knew James Gunn would do this. Some people forgave him for those outrageous tweets about Nazi midgets, or whatever it was, he was forced to delete, but not me. Subscribe to www.fuellingoutrage.com for more of my views on that weasel-faced a-hole.

 

The Studio Exec sat down for a Zoom call with Mr Gunn to gauge his reaction to the social media frenzy:

 

James, how come The Suicide Squad is only 60 seconds long?

Well, It’s called The Suicide Squad. They’re professionals. Very efficient professionals.

 

I see. What did the studio say when you turned in such a short final cut?

I’ll admit they were sceptical at first, but when I reminded them they can charge the same amount for a one minute movie as they could a two hour movie, the mood of the room perked up.

 

The Suicide Squad had quite a hefty budget, will we see all of those dollars on the screen?

Hell yes. If anything I could have done with a few more million. Do you know how much it costs to make a movie these days? We blew half of the budget on hair dye for Idris Elba.

 

There has been a strong reaction to the running time on Twitter, care to comment?

All I can say is fans will be pleased when they eventually see it. I don’t like to comment about people posting on Twitter since, you know, the incident. By the way, have you heard that joke about the Nazi midget? So there’s this midget, right. And…

 

I’ve heard it. Can you tell us anything about the upcoming Guardians of the Galaxy Christmas special.

The only thing I can tell you is the most evil and maniacal figure in the entire Marvel Universe will be returning.

 

Thanos?

No, Chris Pratt.

 

 

THE SUICIDE SQUAD WILL BE RELEASED, SOMETIME. 

CHRIS PRATT BOLDLY SPEAKS OUT IN DEFENCE OF WHITE MEN

HOLLYWOOD – Chris Pratt stands up for white men against the tyranny of Hollywood.

Parks and Recreation and Guardians of the Galaxy star Chris Pratt has bravely stood up for the rights of white men in America. Talking to Men’s Fitness Magazine, Pratt discussed the dearth of white men in movies today:

I don’t see personal stories that necessarily resonate with me, because they’re not my stories. I think there’s room for me to tell mine, and probably an audience that would be hungry for them. The voice of the average, blue-collar American isn’t necessarily represented in Hollywood.

Although he didn’t say white, a quick glance at the Oscars sees that Fences was about as Blue Collar as you could get. Unless you watched Blue Collar perhaps with Harvey Keitel, Yaphett Koto and Richard Prior. So one can only assume that Fences was discounted because it was black blue collar. Moonlight was pretty much a story of the underclass as well. But again black. This is a creepy kind of racism that doesn’t even know it’s racist. Like all this talk about listening to the working class and how the working class feel excluded to explain Trump’s victory. Even though the poor mostly went Clinton and the black working class voted overwhelming against him. My English friends would know that a Pratt can also be a prat, but let’s not do this.

Chris Pratt will continue to be rich and white.

CHRIS PRATT TO PLAY THE NEW LARA CROFT

HOLLYWOOD – Popular video game heroine from the 1990s Lara Croft originally played by Angelina Jolie is to be revived in a new film of Tomb Raider starring Chris Pratt as the pneumatic adventurer.

Chris Pratt has confirmed that he will be playing Lara Croft in a new film starring the Tomb Raider.

Chris Pratt spoke EXCLUSIVELY to the Studio Exec about the new film:

Initially, Alicia Vikander was tapped to play the role but following the success of the casting of Tilda Swinton as the Ancient One and the girl power Ghostbusters, the filmmakers thought they would go with a revolutionary new choice. Me! I was great in Jurassic World and fantastic in Guardians of the Galaxy and so Lara Croft was like a slam dunk with my affable way.

Director Roar Uthaug told the Studio Exec, ‘We’re really pleased to have Chris. Originally, we were thinking of Daisy Ridley and Alicia Vikander. They’re great, they’re women, and the British accent wouldn’t be a problem, but Chris took a piece of shit like Jurassic World and made that baby fly.’

Lara Croft will be released in 2018.

Image courtesy of @ThePixelFactor.

 

MAGNIFICENT SEVEN FANS CONCERNED GLOSSY HOLLYWOOD REMAKE BETRAYS SPIRIT OF ORIGINAL GLOSSY HOLLYWOOD REMAKE

HOLLYWOOD – Fans of The Magnificent Seven have voiced concerns that the new Hollywood remake of the classic film will betray the original 1960 Hollywood remake.

As the first images and trailer dropped of Antoine Fuqua’s new film The Magnificent Seven starring Denzel Washington and Chris Pratt, voices have been raised concerned that the remake will betray the spirit of the original 1960 remake starring Yul Brynner and Steve McQueen.

President of the Magnificent Seven Appreciation Society Johnny Applecart explains:

The untouchable beauty of the original John Sturges film is that it was so new and fresh. You had these wonderful actors at the height of their game and a magnificent score. A brilliant director also. But perhaps more than anything you had the fact that the while film was based on a movie by Akira Kurosawa, The Seven Samurai. So there was this frisson between East and West, high art and popular genre, cowboys and Samurai to quote Jon Favreau.

But doesn’t that just mean that the original was not original?

Yes, but it was not original in an original way. It was taking something from far away and there was a real sense of daring and adventure in that. Here we will be watching a remake of a cowboy film that is also a cowboy film. Watch Battle Beyond the Stars and that’s essentially The Magnificent Seven in space. Robert Vaughn plays essentially the same character. Even the sequels mix it up a bit, but with this new one it just feels like the same thing again with Parks and Rec thrown in.

What do you tihnk about the remake of The Magnificent Seven? Uh huh. Interesting. Now write it in the comments box so we can all enjoy.

CHRIS PRATT: NEW MAGNIFICENT SEVEN ‘SET IN THE SAME UNIVERSE AS THE RIDICULOUS SIX’

HOLLYWOOD – Chris Pratt has confirmed that the new version of The Magnificent Seven is ‘set in the same universe as Adam Sandler’s The Ridiculous Six.’

The Magnificent Seven – a remake of the 1960 classic with Yul Brynner and Steve McQueen – also belongs in the same universe as The Ridiculous Six, Chris Pratt has confirmed:

Very early on in the process Antoine Fuqua sat the whole cast down and explained that although we were respecting the original 1960 film and beyond that Akira Kurosawa’s Seven Samurai, our main inspiration would be much closer to home. Namely Adam Sandler’s Ridiculous Six. Although not a direct follow on, or a sequel, we exist in the same rambunctious comic universe full of lewd stereotypes and fart gags. It’s really something. I think everyone is going to be blown away.

Do Sandler Sandler and Taylor Lautner appear?

What do you mean Sandler Sandler?

I meant Adam Sandler, sorry. It was a slip of the tongue.

Still I like it. Sandler Sandler. Sounds like a boutique. But to answer your question: yes. Antoine and Denzel both talked a lot about ‘the anxiety of influence’. The idea is Sandler Sandler and some of the other cast from The Ridiculous Six turn up at the beginning of our film at the railway station in a homage to the opening scene in Once Upon a Time in the West and we gun them down and, in that way, establish ourselves and what we want to do with the film.

The Magnificent Seven will be released on September 23, 2016.

 

 

JURASSIC WORLD 2 GETS NEW DIRECTOR

HOLLYWOOD – Just months before it goes into production, Jurassic World 2 has a new director taking over from Colin Trevorrow.

Jurassic World 2 is to be directed by Terrence Malick, sources within Universal Studios have confirmed. The Tree of Life director is to take on the follow-up to the surprise hit of last year and stars Chris Pratt and Bryce Dallas Howard are also confirmed to return. Terrence Malick took a break from a punishing round of promotional interviews surrounding the release of Knight of Cups to talk about his new job.

This is fantastic. I love dinosaurs always have. I’ve wanted to add a dinosaur to all my films but thus far have only been able to slip a couple into the Tree of Life. We had one in The Thin Red Line but Sean Penn made me take it out.

You had a dinosaur in Thin Red Line?

No, wait, dinosaur, no I meant Mickey Rourke. Ha ha ha! Boom goes the Malickian dynamite!

So this is the first time you’ve taken on a big entertainment style movie. How are you going to approach it?

I’ve tried in the past to do entertainment blockbusters. I even had Ben Affleck in To the Wonder because I thought it might make it work better but Olga wouldn’t stop dancing for five minutes and so we couldn’t find anywhere to get the terrorist kidnapping subplot in. This time around it’s going to be different. This time I’m going to write a script.

Wow! A script!?

I know. It’s radical. I’m already working on it and we’re going to tell the story of how the dinosaurs escape onto the mainland. So far, with the exception of the end of Jurassic Park 2, all of these films have been confined to islands but I want to see what a T.Rex would do to a large urban area. And I’m really looking forward to working with Chris Pratt and Jessica Chastain.

Bryce Dallas Howard!

Whatever. The important thing is they give good voiceover. Anything else I can cut around. I’ve started writing the voiceover already.

Is it the first thing you do?

It’s the first, the last and the middle bit of what I do. Here listen: ‘Who are you that calls to me from across the millennia? You who stand before me. Oh! You’re beside me as well. Clever girl!’

Jurassic World 2 will be released in 2018.

GOLDIE HAWN JOINS KURT RUSSELL FOR GUARDIANS OF THE GALAXY 2

HOLLYWOOD – Today the news we have all been waiting for was finally confirmed: Goldie Hawn and Kurt Russell are uniting for Guardians of the Galaxy 2.

Everybody knew that Guardians of the Galaxy 2 was going to be good.  The original James Gunn film was a fun, witty and action-packed adventure, but rumors had been circulating that none other than Deathproof, pork chops himself Kurt Russell would be appearing as the Star-Lord’s father. However, it was only today we discovered that he would be reuniting with his wife Goldie Hawn who joins the cast as Star-Lord’s stepmother Joanna.

Director James Gunn told the Studio Exec:

I was so excited about getting Kurt but secretly I wanted the family pack. I am a huge fan of Overboard and this will be an unofficial remake of that film. Obviously we focus a lot on Chris Pratt and the various japes that he gets up to, but there is a whole subplot about Star-Lord’s dad and his step mom and how they met. The chemistry between the two of them is off the chart and I think this is something that really is going to lift the film above the usual sequel problems.

Goldie Hawn said that she was very excited to be a part of the new film.

More than anything it will be a chance for me and Kurt to spend a little time together. What with a hectic schedule it has been really difficult to find any time to sit down and really enjoy each other’s company. On a film set, strangely enough there actually is quite a lot of time to do that. We’ll probably drive each other crazy but that doesn’t matter because it will feed into the characters.

The Guardians of the Galaxy 2 will be released.

Image courtesy of @ThePixelFactor.

JURASSIC WORLD: REVIEW

JURASSIC WORLD: REVIEW – Jurassic World broke box office records on its opening weekend to become the biggest opener ever, but how does the fourth film in the Jurassic Park franchise and the latest Chris Pratt – Jessica Chastain (?) vehicle hold up? Read our in depth review.

Continue reading “JURASSIC WORLD: REVIEW”

JOSS WHEDON PLEDGES UP-TO-DATE SEXISM

HOLLYWOOD- Joss Whedon has promised postmodern sexism in his new film Avengers: Age of Ultron, released world wide.

The Buffy the Vampire Slayer creator spoke exclusively with The Studio Exec:

If there’s one thing I hate in modern movies it’s when they have that lazy 70s sexism. I first noticed it in the clip we saw of Jurassic World but once you see it, it’s like f*cking beards, you see them everywhere. Chris Pratt is the force of nature and Dr. up-tight is needs a laminated itinerary to go on a date. There’ll be a scene later on where he takes her glasses off and unpins her hair to let it fall free. It’s crazy.

So you would stop sexism?

Oh God no. Are you high? Who would want that? No, we can’t stop it, we just have to update it. Look at my new film – competing directly with Jurassic World for publicity at the moment coincidentally – Avengers: Age of Ultron. It’s an amazing superhero adventure with a diverse cast including a white male billionaire, a white/green male scientist with anger issues, a white male archer and a white male Nordic looking thunder god and a hot chick with a fantastic ass. I mean you should see it.

But how is that not sexist?

Because it’s ironic and knowing.

A ha.

And Scarlett Johannson knows she’s sexy and she isn’t uptight or anything. She’s going yeah, I’m sexy but I’m also equal. And God, she scores well with all the demographic data we get.

That’s fantastic.

I know. Being sexist is fantastic and profitable. You just have to be clever and cast Scarlett Johansson or Gwyneth Paltrow. It won’t work with Megan Fox.

Avengers Age of Ultron will be released this week.

LIAM NEESON TO STAR IN BATTLING TOPS

HOLLYWOOD – Liam Neeson confirmed today that he will be starring in Peter Berg’s forthcoming Battling Tops based on the popular skill game.

Liam Neeson told the Studio Exec EXCLUSIVELY that he was excited at the prospect of teaming up once more with the creative geniuses who brought us Battleship:

For sure, the lads have got a great concept going. What you do is take one of them there games you remember playing with your cousins at Christmas while the adults got sauced, and you turn it into a movie. It’s fantastic. Special effects galore and it’ll make sacks of money. It is literally child’s play.

What’s the story?

Oh lord knows. I mean there isn’t a story as such but I can probably guess. There’s an alien invasion and our last line of defense are these weird spinning vehicles which have to fight it out with the aliens and their weird spinning vehicles. There’ll be a young guy played by Chris Pine or Chris Pratt, one of those Chrises. I’ll be the old sea dog type who they bring in and I’ll die near the end. I’ll have a smoking hot daughter who is probably Beyonce or one those warblers. Money meet Mr. Neeson’s bank account.

Can you see future collaborations of this nature?

Oh yes, we’ve got a whole series of ideas mapped out which I hope to be announcing in due time. Listen, I know I get a lot of flak for basically wasting my time on what is essentially crap, but if I can earn the big bucks on this sort of fluff then it gives me the time to choose more artistically valid projects down the line.

Such as?

Taken 4!

Battling Tops will be released in 2016.