PRATT V WORTHINGTON MEDIOCRITY MATCH-UP

HOLLYWOOD – If you like your lead actors non-descript, not too good looking and with more than a slight hint of vanilla about them, they’re your guys. Having built their whole careers around being able to stare at tennis balls on the ends of sticks, they’ve somehow made it to the top. That’s right, it’s a Studio Exec Pratt v Worthington Mediocrity Matchup. We examine which of them is truly the most mediocre movie meh.

Pratt V Worthington Mediocrity Matchup!

Sam’s big breakthrough role came in James Cameron’s Avatar. A film where he had a team of hundreds animating his face for the vast majority of the film. Chris Pratt rose to fame in Parks And Recreation. He played Andy Dwyer, an unintelligent, loveable rogue. He then expanded his range when he played Starlord in The Guardians Of The Galaxy, an unintelligent, loveable rogue… in space. Few could have predicted his turn in Jurassic World, where he played Owen Grady, an unintelligent, loveable rogue… with dinosaurs.

Sam The Franchise Killer

Sam went on to singlehandedly destroy the Terminator franchise as well as the whole 3D film industry as Perseus in the remake of Clash Of The Titans. His stone cold performance resembled a Medusa victim and made Harry Hamlin look like Daniel Day-Lewis.

The Roles That Got Away

Sam famously lost out to Daniel Craig for James Bond. But then again, we don’t know how close he came to being Bond. I sent in my showreel and heard fuck all back from EON Productions. So does that mean I also lost out to Daniel Craig for the role? And who can forget the rumors that Pratt was being touted to play Indiana Jones. Just imagine Indiana Jones and The Ancient Fart Gag, directed by James Gunn.

Mediocrity Matchup: Winners And Losers

The tagline for Alien Vs Predator was ’Whoever Wins, We Lose’. Well, with this mediocrity matchup, this has never been truer.

AVATAR: AD NAUSEUM Will Saturate Your Multiplex This Coming December

JAMES GUNN KUNDUN REMAKE GREENLIT

Hollywood – Disney today announced they have greenlit a James Gunn Kundun remake.

The Suicide Squad director will helm a remake of the Scorsese tale of the young Dalai Lama. With the James Gunn Kundun remake greenlit, The Guardians director promises it will be an all action CGI spectacular. The Exec sat down to talk remakes and Scorsese with Gunn.


 

How will your Kundun be different to the Scorsese version?

“What many people don’t know about the early life of the Dalai Lama, he was a hyper-violent vigilante. He would often dress up in a costume, sneak out of the monastery and fight crime.”

 

Was there much crime to fight in rural Tibet?

“Oh shit, yeah. There were gangs of psychopathic supervillains everywhere. But many of them had superpowers. Luckily, the Dalai Lama can fly with his rocket boots. So, many nights, he would put his Walkman on, listen to Bowie and fly around looking for criminals.”

 

That sounds a bit like Star Lord from Guardians?

“No. It’s completely and totally different. Honest.”

 

Who is playing the Dalai Lama?

“Chris Pratt. Because he has the right balance of physicality, spirituality and slapstick comedy chops. Michael Rooker will play the Chinese Government representative who shafts the Lama. But in this version, the Lama doesn’t go into exile. There’s gonna be a huge CGI fight between the two. Because Skyscrapers blowing up everywhere as they fly around in their laser-ships is true cinema.”

 

What do you think Martin Scorsese will make of this, given his recent comments?

“Marty? He wrote the fucking script! This was the story he originally wanted to tell but couldn’t get the funding. He wanted to film mid-air battles but the technology wasn’t available. People are making a whole thing about what Marty said. But it’s all misdirection, believe me. Taxi Driver would never have ended like that if he’d had a decent budget. Travis Bickle would have become a masked vigilante. Goodfellas would have had a running gun battle like Heat. It’s all bullshit.”

 

James Gunn’s Kundun Begins Filming Next Month

CHRIS PRATT TALKS INDIANA JONES

NEW YORK – Chris Pratt has finally confirmed in a soon to be published interview with WHACK magazine that he has been asked to play the lead in the Indiana Jones reboot.

“I still can’t believe it,” said Pratt:

A few years ago I was selling coupons door-to-door and now I’ve got the opportunity to play one of the most iconic characters in movie history but it’s not going to be easy; Ford might be knocking on but he’s tough and experienced. My aim is to take him out quickly before he can get in close.

Asked what he was talking about, Pratt elaborated:

Well the way the Hollywood casting system works is they make their top two choices fight to the death. I had to break Freddie Prinze Jr’s neck to get the part of Star Lord in Guardians but this one will be harder both psychically and emotionally.

Ford is said to be in peak condition after training for the upcoming Stars Wars VII and his agent said he is determined keep hold of the famous Fedora.

It’s not common knowledge but way back when they were casting the original movie Harrison had to fight Tom Selleck. It was a close bout but Tom finally succumbed to Harrison’s patented one-inch punch. Of course, back then it was a more gentlemanly affair and nobody fought to the death but Hollywood is a different, more brutal place these days. I remember watching George Clooney Vs Judd Nelson back in 1995. Horrible stuff. The image of George beating the twitching corpse of Judd with his own spinal column still haunts me to this day.

According to film historian Fitz Fullsome, the tradition began in 1941 when George Raft and Humphrey Bogart were up for the role of Rick in Casablanca.

It was the first and still most controversial casting fight in movie history. Raft had trained hard and looked unbeatable but Bogie sauntered in carrying a glass of scotch and kicked George right in the nuts and he went down like the Titanic. Years later when Bogie was asked by New York Times reporter Charles Lane about the incident he cooly lit a cigarette, took a puff and uttered the immortal line “Well Charlie, if all that stands between you and greatness is another man’s balls. You better kick his before he kicks yours.”

The Indiana Jones reboot is due in 2017.