PARIS – Luc Besson, French film director of such classics as Nikita and Leon, as well as producer of the Taken series, has announced that he is to produce and direct the long awaited sequel to the French Connection.

“I’ve talked with Gene Hackman and Bill Friedkin and they are both happy for me to do it”, said Luc. 

In fact, Bill Friedkin told me that he had always envisioned it as a trilogy but the seventies was so lame when it came to making decent movies that no one would put up the money for a trilogy.

What do you bring to this film which is considered a classic of the genre?

I agree. It is a classic, but one thing always gave me Le Hump. This was the French Connection, right? But where was France? Or the French? Even Fernando Rey (who played the original villain) was Spanish. So in our version, I added some French things which will make it a real FRENCH connection. Ooh la la! As we say, constantly.

 The official synopsis reads:

Joey ‘Popeye’ Doyle Jr. (Chris Pine) and Det. Buddy (Channing Tatum) are on the trail of a mysterious high end drug dealer, called Frenchie (Jean Reno). They track him down to Paris, a large city in France, where Frenchie maintains his cover as an onion seller, riding a bicycle and wearing a stripy jumper and a beret. Then there is a very exciting bicycle chase and they are fighting with baguettes and riding bicycles. And they get mixed up with Le Tour de France! 

The French Connection 3: Attack on Paris will begin shooting in August. 


HOLLYWOOD – In a dramatic turn of events, William Shatner has taken over from Chris Pine in the forthcoming big screen JJJ Abrams’ extravaganza Star Trek into Darkness.

The replacement came when the new Captain Kirk hurt his hand when he accidentally opened his trailer door and cut his palm and several fingers on some fish hooks that had been accidentally glued (no one knows why) to the handle.

Abrams explained:

I think perhaps Chris was a bit dazzled by all the torches I’d been shining into his fact, but luckily Bill was on hand to take over. Oh, wait…On hand! You see what I did there? Ha ha ha ha ha ha ha! On hand! Genius. 

Shatner explained he was only too happy to be of help:

We’ll CGI my head on to some of the scenes, but otherwise it’ll be the 100% Canadian bacon that is William Shatner.  Now if you’ll excuse me I have to go and wash my hands. Has anyone got any turpentine?

Star Trek into Darkness will now be released much later, probably two or three years or something.


 HOLLYWOOD – News about the latest in the Star Trek franchise as Star Trek 2 gets a new title and synopsis.

‘First of all we’re not calling it Star Trek 2,’ said Abrams, throwing back a bottle of Cointreau. ‘It’s called Star Trek Into Darkness with Tribbles.’Fans have waited with baited breath for the follow up to J.J.J. Abrams’ wonderful 2009 Star Trek reboot, but only Studio Exec can reveal plot details after obtaining an exclusive interview with the vivacious bespectacled Super (8) geek himself.

Tribbles! That’s the best news since the test results came back!

‘We wanted a really iconic villain,’ says Abrams. ‘We have a great actor in Benedict Cumberbund…’
‘Cumberbatch,’ I interject.

‘Yeah. Whatever. And we thought lets bring back the tribbles. So we use motion capture and he plays them all basically. You should see him rolling around on the floor covered in balls. What an ass!’

 The Tribbles news will send lashings of orgasmic fluid from Trekkies everywhere, drenching passers by. The small furry aliens featured in a much loved episode of the original series first broadcast in December, 1969. William Shatner’s Kirk was bemused by the  little beasts, that threatened the safety of the Enterprise by basically reproducing too much. The goatish Kirk couldn’t help a smirk of frank admiration.

By now Adams was wringing the empty bottle of Cointreau to get out the last drops.

‘We thought what worked most about the first one was the humor and the Tribbles are really funny. I mean come on, look at them,’ Abrams points at the dailies and we have a moment of forced laughter. Abrams finds another bottle of  Cointreau and bites through the glass of the bottle to get through to the orangey liqueur  ‘Of course Zachery’s gone off and made Margin Call so he’s like all I worked with Kevin Spacey, I’m not working with Tribbles, so I’m like the fuck you aren’t. Anyway we’ve got Simon Pegg and he’ll do anything for geek juice.’

What about Chris Pine?

‘After This Means War he’s lucky I let him anywhere near a film set.’

Star Trek Into Darkness With Tribbles is due for release in 2013.


steaming effluent

HOLLYWOOD – It was revealed today that the Chris Pine, Reese Witherspooon and Tom Hardy ménage-a-trois This Means War was actually supposed to be a comedy. The director Joseph McGinty Nichol – who because of a clerical error has been lumbered with the ludicrous sobriquet McG – revealed in an interview for the academic journal Scrotus: “It was supposed to be a comedy, but I’ll be God-damned if I ever heard anyone laugh.”

Joseph McGinty Nichol

Tom Hardy is still under the impression that he was in a gritty Bourne like spy drama and Reese Witherspoon saw it as a breakout dramatic role for her. Chris Pine was the only member of the cast who was in on the joke that there were supposed to be jokes.
“It quickly became apparent that we were creating a deeply offensive pile of steaming effluent,” admitted Joseph McGinty Nichol – AKA McG, “But by then, it was too late, and there was nothing we could do but go on with it and hope that no one would go and see it.”

Joseph McGinty Nichol added that he was deeply sorry for anyone who had paid money for a ticket, and would personally pay people back out of his own pocket.

“They’ll have to find me first,” he said, laughing.

Words he quickly regretted as an international manhunt involving several state security agencies as well as private individuals, corporations and NGOs, was immediately launched by the non-amused.

Scrotus is available from all good newsagents.