TRUE DETECTIVE FINALE WILL BE A LEGO EPISODE

HOLLYWOOD – The Season Finale of the HBO crime series True Detective will be a special Lego episode directed by Chris Miller and Phil Lord. 

Nic Pizzolatto – the show-runner – said the move was a response to critics of the series who had found the story of Southern style crime and mystery overly morbid and heavy:

Phil and Chris rang and said they were fans of the show and could they get involved. We were prepping and Cary Fukunaga came into the office and he was literally weeping with laughter. It turned out he’d just been to see The Lego Movie so when he heard the suggestion he was over the moon.

Fukunaga added: ‘The story will be a satisfactory finale, but the boys have given it a zippy spin.’ Lord and Miller confessed that they often got high and phoned people at random from their agent’s phone book suggesting Lego episodes, but have been surprised how many shows are eager to comply. ‘We’ve got a Boardwalk Empire and a True Blood one coming up as well,’ wheezed a gasping Lord.

Woody Harrelson reacted to the news with a distracted but blissfully happy smile and Matthew McConaughey said, ‘A’right, a’right, a’right’ shortly before being punched in the throat. 

True Detective Lego Finale will be broadcast.

FILM SCHOLAR IRRITATED BY HOW MUCH HE ENJOYED THE LEGO MOVIE

HOLLYWOOD – Intellectual film critic Mordant Aziz found himself irritated earlier today following a screening he attended of Chris Miller and Phil Lord’s The Lego Movie.

Prof. Aziz fully expected to hate the film and find within it ‘the glib vacuous commercialism endemic in post-millennial Hollywood’ which he has contrasted on many previous occasions with the zesty experiments of the nouvelle vague and the beautiful ambiguities of Golden Age Seventies cinema.

Prof. Aziz – author of The Instability of Nicholas Cage – told the Studio Exec and several confidants:  

Throughout the film I chuckled, other times I laughed out loud. I enjoyed the film thoroughly and even believe that it had a coherent view of the world, which it also managed to problematize in a way which few other films bother with. In fact the film is the most interesting critique of ideology since John Carpenter’s They Live.

And yet you are irritated?

Absolutely. The pleasure I derived from watching the film and even the nourishment (intellectually speaking) is completely at odds with my thesis on the moral bankruptcy of product placement and the creative death of tent pole toy based franchises à la Bay.

So your thesis will need revising?

Fortunately, no. You see this is the beauty of  academia and post-modernism more generally. The Lego Movie is post-ironic irony. 

Come again?

It means I can enjoy it while knowing that my detachment and annoyance are wholly intended and therefore intellectually justified while still retaining my ability to look down on the popular audience who are enjoying the film wrongly.

Incorrectly you mean.

Fuck you.

The Lego Movie 2: The Piece You Stand On will be released in 2016. 

SPIKE LEE: LEGO MOVIE RACIST

NEW YORK – Oldboy director Spike Lee has lashed out at the new box office sensation and critical darling Phil Lord and Christopher Miller’s The Lego Movie, claiming that it’s ‘racist, or something’.

In a seventeen minute rant, the veteran director of Inside Man, repeatedly claimed the film ‘had not been directed by me and therefore could not be thought of in any way good.’  

These guys, I mean who are they? Lego are Danish, right? And Danes were like blond haired and blue eyed and who else were blond haired and blue eyed? That’s right Nazis! The Lego Movie is actually a remake of Triumph of the Will.

The audience at the 3.45 showing of The Lego Movie at first seemed bemused by the famous motormouth’s unannounced introduction to the film. One witness, Timmy (aged 7) said:

The scary man was shouting and raving about how his film was neglected while we all wanted to see films about toys and didn’t watch serious drama. He asked me why I hadn’t been to see Oldboy and when I told him it was because I felt it was redundant having already seen the Chan Wook Park original, he got real mad.   

After a while, witnesses said that Mr. Lee apparently ran out of steam and collapsed into his chair and the film was able to resume. Some said they heard the director sobbing quietly.

The Sweet Blood of Jesus will be released in 2016. 

NASA SLAM CLOUDY WITH A CHANCE OF MEATBALLS

HOUSTON – In what is becoming something of a nasty habit, the National Aeronautics and Space Administration, popularly – and more succinctly – known as NASA have released a stinging criticism of the 2009 animation film Cloudy with a Chance of Meatballs, branding the film ‘unrealistic’ and ‘dumb’.

“The technology shown in the film which purports to create food out of weather events is just not there yet,” said NASA Chief Administrator Charles F Bolden Jr. “The image of the main scientist as nerdy loner is anachronistic. I mean look at Steve Jobs and Mark Zuckerberg. The events shown are preposterous and the humor regarding peanut allergies is inappropriate and – if you’ll excuse what I certainly don’t mean as a pun – tasteless.”
Phil Lord, who directed the film along with Chris Miller, responded with unnecessary levity to the accusations: “Are they stoned?”
“That’s neither here nor there,” replied NASA Chief Administrator Charles F Bolden Jr. “And even if we were that’s no excuse for scientific inaccuracy.”  
Asked if he would be going to see the brilliantly titled sequel Cloudy with a Chance of Meatballs 2, NASA Chief Administrator Charles F Bolden Jr. said he hadn’t decided, he might just download it.

Cloudy with a Chance of Meatballs 2 is currently in theaters.