PRESIDENT OBAMA BANS COLDPLAY FROM THE US

WASHINGTON – President Barack Obama today issued an Executive Order which bans the British ‘rock’ group Coldplay from all US territories.

In an unprecedented move, President Obama has formally banned the ‘music’ group Coldplay from the USA. In a statement the White House said:

President Barack Obama has looked with some concern on the rise of the British music guitar based pop group Coldplay for some time. Their dull noodlings have a stultifying effect on culture general and so with some regret the President has taken the step of issuing a ban denying visas and entrance to Chris Martin, Guy Berryman, Jonny Buckland and Will Champion and whoever will in the future be a member of the group to the country.

In an interview with the Studio Exec, President Obama said:

They’re just so awful. The last straw however was the halftime show at the Superbowl. It was bad enough that those glasses of milk had to drag Beyonce down with them. At that point I knew I had to do something. But it isn’t just music, scientists have concluded that the group contribute to global warming just by being so tedious.

Coldplay were unavailable for comment.

A RECIPE FROM CHRIS MARTIN’S NEW COOK BOOK

HOLLYWOOD – Following his ‘uncoupling’ with Gwyneth Paltrow, Coldplay singer Chris Martin is venturing into his ex-couplet’s territory with a new cook book called Simply Chris.

The Studio Exec managed to get an advance copy and here we have an EXCLUSIVE recipe from the culinary masterpiece.

Dolphin soup

A wonderful starter with a surprisingly light and delicate taste. 

Kill a little dolphin, chop it in pieces,

Look how wonderful you a—a—are,

Fry it with garlic, little salt and pepper,

Then you set it apar—aarrr–art,

Prepare some stock, boil for twenty minutes,

Oh let’s go back to the start,

Add the dolphin, cover and simmer,

You don’t know how tasty you a—a–are.

Nobody said cooking dolphin was easy

It’s socially unacceptable for a start,

Nobody said cooking porpoise was easy,

But follow these instructions and it should be so ha—-aa—ard!


Simply Chris is available from all good book shops and Amazon.  

COLDPLAY MOVIE GETS SYNOPSIS

HOLLYWOOD – The long-gestating project Coldplay: the Motion Picture has finally got a script, a synopsis and promises to be more than ‘your average concert film’, promised band leader Chris Martin as he promoted the release of the band’s fourth album Ghost Stories (Atlantic).

Ex-Mr. Paltrow said:

It was really important we didn’t just do a documentary and have I don’t know Morgan Spurlock following us around for a couple of months. And we also thought if we were just to do a concert film than people would kind of doze off, because our music is kind of soothing. You know. 

Director Abel Ferrara said he was very excited by the prospect of working with the UK based band.

We’ve got a script that Jim Rash has penned for us. It’s brilliant. He’s actually based it on Head, the film Jack Nicholson directed for The Monkees. It’s psychedelic and bizarre. The guys are really funny to begin with Chris and … the other guys in the band. But it goes very dark towards the end when the lead character, Chris, plots to murder his beautiful vegan wife Gwendoline. 

Wow. That sounds really…

Oh, it’s dark all right. I’ve been re-watching Driller Killer to prepare for this film and anyone who think is the film is going to be as anodyne as Coldplay’s music aren’t taking into account the ravaging effects of a painful ahem… uncoupling.

Coldplay: the Motion Picture will be released in 2015.

NASA CONFIRM GWYNETH PALTROW CHRIS MARTIN UNCOUPLING

HOUSTON – This morning NASA confirmed the successful uncoupling of the celestial body Gwyneth Paltrow from the space debris known as Chris Martin.

The operation took place in the early hours of this morning in what technicians are calling a ‘flawless performance of technical excellence’. A NASA spokesperson said:

These things are always delicate because you never quite known what the reactions are going to be and what you’re going to find in there. Fortunately, possibly due to a diet of celery water and positive thinking, Ms. Paltrow was almost entirely empty and so when we uncoupled her, there was very little mess.

The operation took place fifty miles above the surface of the Earth during an EVA from the International Space Station (ISS). Astrophysicist and part time film critic Neil deGrasse Tyson  remarked:

The wonder of such an event can only go to show how amazing a force evolution is. In a short time, less than a generation, Paltrow has gone from being the rather ordinary actress of Sliding Doors fame to what she is now: an ethereal space baby floating benignly above us and mildly reproving us for our eating habits and our poor parenting skills. Now come with me as we…

Sorry Neil, we got a thing. 

Oh, you don’t want to come with me while we explore the wonder of the Cosmos?

Maybe next week.

Gwyneth Paltrow will remain in a permanent orbit high above the atmosphere but Chris Martin is expected to fall to Earth later today somewhere over the Indian Ocean. 

BREAKFAST WITH ASSHOLES: 19. GWYNETH PALTROW

A glass of sand and a corner of damp cotton, served lukewarm. 

I meet Iron Man 3 star and cookie cookbook writer Gwyneth Paltrow at her London home. She answers the door with a cardboard box on her head. ‘Get it?’ she giggles at my no doubt baffled expression. ‘I’m in Seven! Ha ha ha!’


I laugh warmly and , some might say, too loudly.

We settled down in the back kitchen with the beautiful London rain light falling through the tall French windows and turning everything a beautiful shade of posthumous. She offers me a delicious bowl of damp cotton and a glass of freshly squeezed sand.

So Gwyneth tell me about Iron Man 3? Was it fun working with Robert Downey Jr.?

To tell you the truth, I really don’t want to answer any questions about my private life and how I’ve suffered, not exactly like Jesus Christ nailed to a cross, or little children blinded in Bhopal, or starving in the Sudan, but, you know, close.

Right. So Iron Man 3. When can we expect a stand alone Pepper Potts movie? 

I made it very clear to Shane [Black] that I didn’t want to just be tied up and rescued on this one. I wanted to be a protagonist. A strong female role model. And he said okay. How about we tie you up and have you be rescued in your underwear? It was at that point I knew I was in safe hands. As for the stand alone movie it’s the first I heard about it [was when I read your wonderful article in the fabulous Studio Exec]. (CLICK HERE for that story.)

You’ve come in for quite a bit of criticism…

Let me stop you right there. I know exactly what you are going to say. My diets are not crazy and my children, Kiwi Fruit and Elijah Bumpkins, are perfectly normal.  

I was going to say for not being a very good actress.

Oh … well, that’s fair I suppose. Can I top you up there?

Gwyneth’s husbands

I move to put my hand over the glass but Gwyneth has already refilled it with white sand. ‘I insist on white sand and not yellow sand because of Elijah’s allergies,’ she tells me. ‘People criticize me for being too strict but my children – like all children – still eat the occasional bowl of gold flake caviar.’

And so what’s next?

I’m in a new film about Pablo Picasso. And I’m probably going to have another cook book out soon. Oh, and I’m still married to Coldplay.

To Chris Martin from Coldplay?

Yeah he’s one of them. And there’s a small film I did about sex addiction also coming out. Thanks for Sharing is the title I think.

When I say good bye to Gwyneth, I feel like I’ve learned a lot about this complex and intelligent woman, but I did wish she had taken that box off and I couldn’t shake the impression  that her voice had been very manly.

For all the Breakfasts CLICK HERE.


GWYNETH PALTROW’S NEW DIET CAUSES UPROAR

LONDON – Gwyneth Paltrow – long famous as the feminist icon who brings Robert Downey Junior his coffee in Iron Man and cooks Coldplay’s dinner – has caused outrage, furor, anger, and a series of online rants with the publication of her new diet The C-Plan.

 

Breakfast, lunch, dinner, supper

‘The diet is basically vegetarian,’ said Ms. Paltrow. ‘I’ve eliminated almost all meat and fish because of my concern about industrial scale farming and the depletion of fish stocks, as well as increasing health concerns. However, I despise the sentimentality which is sometimes associated with a vegetarian lifestyle and I don’t like nuts, so in order to replace protein I’ve opted to eat cats.’

Her book includes recipes for kitten risotto, pussikins parmigiana, moggie curry and Tom cat stir fry.  

I very much believe that one should not resort to buying cats specifically to eat. You should raise them yourself and butcher, skin and cure the meat yourself. Although I sometimes asj Chris to drown the smaller ones, something he enjoys doing. Kittens are particularly delicious as a snack, with a taste a little bit like rabbit. 

Peta and the RSPCA have reacted with fury at Ms. Paltrow’s new ideas. Spokesperson Philip Havelplot shouted down the phone:

I mean what does she do in those films. She just hangs around waiting to be put in jeopardy and then Downey Jr. comes and rescues her. She was such a promising actress, it’s depressing to see her settle for such insubstantial roles. Oh, and the cat thing’s just crazy.

A snack

What do you think of Paltrow’s pussy cat palaver? Should we eat cats? Will you buy the book? Feel free to comment in our comments section below, and vote in our 24 hour poll.