HOME ALONE 5 WILL NOT BE FUNNY

HOLLYWOOD – The latest installment in the Home Alone saga – Home Alone 5 – will not be funny, star Macaulay Culkin confessed.

The former child star told the Studio Exec EXCLUSIVELY that the film will be to some extent autobiographical:

With John [Hughes, the original writer] dead, the creative controls fell entirely to me. I don’t have John’s comic vision. I’m afraid I see things in a more bleak light and that informed my choices when I wrote the script.

So what happens?

Well, Kevin is now a grown man. He’s been damaged by what a number of psychiatrists have diagnosed as abandonment issues. He lives on his own so that he’s essentially Home Alone all year round. For Christmas his family decide to stage an intervention to try and wrestle Kevin away from his own demons. Unfortunately, Kevin has taken some bad mushrooms and thinks that his parents and brothers and sisters are the reincarnations of the burglars who plagued him in the original films.

And you wrote the script?

Yes. Chris Columbus unfortunately was unavailable to direct so I turned to my good friend Tom Six, who is most famous for directing the Human Centipede. He’ll be doing it right after he finishes on The Human Centipede Musical.

And why Home Alone 5? You were only in two Home Alone movies?

Ideally it would be called Home Alone 3, but the producers did make two other films and so for legal issues we chose this title. There were also a couple of unnumbered films but we chose to ignore them as they are definitely not canon, even though they belong to the ‘Home Alone Universe’.

Home Alone 5: Shut In will be released in 2015.

MRS DOUBTFIRE 2: THE EMAILS

HOLLYWOOD – It was revealed today that Robin Williams is to return in Mrs Doubtfire 2, which will be directed by Christopher Columbus and written by Elf writer David Berenbaum.

The news came just as the Studio Exec got his hands on a series of emails between Mr. Williams and Mr. Columbus, which reveal both plot details and the reasoning behind the move. 

RE: Mrs Doubtfire 2

From: Chris Columbus
To: Robin Williams

Hi Robin!

Good to chat yesterday and I’m glad you’re on board. I know you’re wary of returning to familiar ground and just repeating yourself, but I can assure you, we’re going to take Mrs D. in some fairly different directions.
Best
Chris


RE: RE: Mrs Doubtfire 2
From: Robin Williams
To: Chris Columbus

Christopher,

I said it at the meeting and I’ll say it again. There’s one reason and one reason alone I’ve signed up for Mrs Doubtfire 2: MONEY. Except for the random accumulation of material wealth, all I have is the black all consuming despair that drains my soul of everything good and hopeful. I am utterly indifferent to the directions of which you write. F*ck this world. F*ck comedy. I hate everything. Send me some money.

Your friend, Robin 


RE: RE: RE: Mrs Doubtfire 2
From: Chris Columbus
To: Robin Williams

Ha ha, Robin! Fantastic. Love it. Very dry. I imagined you were doing that in a British accent. Am I right? I don’t know why. But hold that in, don’t spend it all on me. So we thought, to make it different, what if Mrs. Doubtfire had to go all the way and actually have a sex change in order to rewin the love of his family? Tastefully done. We’re not the Farrelly Brothers, for crying out loud. David already has some scenes, the clinic, the comedy surgeon (Martin Short I see). Pierce Brosnan falling in love with you. What do you say?


RE: RE: RE: RE: Mrs Doubtfire 2
From: Robin Williams
To: Chris Columbus

I say that life is a black chasm from which we go to a blacker chasm. Love is an illusion. We are all alone. We will be annihilated and nothing will remain. Nothing I ever did was ever actually funny. So as for Mrs. Doubtfire 2 and your ‘ideas’, they’re horseshit. Complete horseshit. But you are paying me money, so yes a sex change operation… Ha ha. Yes, Martin Short…. Ha ha ha. But I draw the line at Pierce Brosnan and suggest you hire an ‘actor’ for that role.


RE: RE: RE: RE: RE: Mrs Doubtfire 2
From: Chris Columbus
To: Robin Williams

I want you to know, Robin, I was reading your email out to my wife and we were laughing so hard. It’s such a privilege to be working again with such a force of nature, such a comedy genius. The man who brought Flubber to life. The man who embodied Jack. Right then. David will have a first draft for you to see end of the month. And I asked him to leave some space for you to add that Robin Williams magic!

Ciao!


RE: RE: RE: RE: RE: RE: Mrs Doubtfire 2
From: Robin Williams
To: Chris Columbus

I’m sitting alone and naked in a dark room and I’m thinking of murder. I don’t recognize this room. Oh yes, I do. It’s your spare room. Now I see. You are across the corridor sleeping with your wife, aren’t you? I can hear you lightly snoring.

How can I get this darkness out of me, Chris? How? How? Are you sure you want Pierce Brosnan to fall in love with me?

Are you absolutely sure?

LAST OF THE SUMMER WINE

HOLMEFIRTH – The beloved BBC comedy The Last of the Summer Wine is due to get the big screen treatment with Robert Redford as Walter ‘Foggy’ Dewheart, Nick Nolte as Clegg and Al Pacino in the role of loveable scruff Compo.

The three pensioners spend their time wandering about the countryside – Southern California will replace the Yorkshire Dales – pondering on their Autumn years, nostalgically recalling their past and conniving to forward the romance between Compo and Nora Batty, played by Cameron Diaz.

Director, Chris Columbus said that he was a fan of the original Roy Clarke show which was broadcast throughout the eighties:

It was absolutely awesome. But I think our version is going to be absolutely ‘stonking’ as the Brits say. When I was making Harry Potter, I studied the Brits and their culture and for years I wanted to do an updated heterosexual version of Are You Being Served? but I couldn’t get the funding, so I’m going to ‘make do’ with this.

Al Pacino says that he is not playing Compo. ‘I am Compo,’ he barked.

The Last of the Summer Wine will be released in 2015.