CHRIS CHRISTIE TO BE THROWN INTO THE SARLACC PIT

TATOOINE – New Jersey Governor Chris Christie is to be thrown into the Sarlacc pit, officially known as the Great Pit of Carkoon.

News that authorities will throw Chris Christie into the Sarlacc Pit on Tatooine began to circulate today. The Governor will be fed to the Sarlacc, in whose belly the former presidential candidate will discover a ‘new definition of pain as he is digested for over a thousand years.’ Chances are – Sarlacc experts warn – that figure could be closer to 20,000 years. Tatooine correspondent Ark Ho Pitt Arrrrgh told us:

Christie’s a big guy so it might take even longer and that means more pain. The Hutts tend to throw in criminals and people who have crossed them. Working out why can be a problem. They disintegrate people who ask too many questions.

He’s the first sitting governor to be fed to the Sarlacc since Governor of North Carolina, John Drayton. Drayton was thrown into the pit due to a misunderstanding about back taxes.

Governor Christie is understood to have caused the Hutts anguish when he closed a bridge in New Jersey and caused them to miss a performance of Hamilton they were ‘really psyched for’ and had come all the way to see.

Chris Christie was unavailable to comment.

LIAM NEESON DISPATCHED TO RESCUE CHRIS CHRISTIE

NEW JERSEY – Liam Neeson has been dispatched by the FBI in an attempt to rescue New Jersey Governor.

Action film star and revered Irish actor Liam Neeson is to attempt to rescue New Jersey governor and former presidential candidate Chris Christie. FBI spokesperson Audrey Hamilton spoke exclusively with the Studio Exec:

Mr. Christie’s family first got in touch about a fortnight ago. He had not returned home following the suspension of his presidential campaign. At first family members believed that Mr. Christie needed some space and time to reflect. They were shocked when they saw him endorsing his arch-rival Donald Trump. Despite his words it was evident to law officers that from his body language and especially from the look in his eyes that Mr. Christie was very likely behaving under extreme duress. Further film evidence shows him being paraded around by Donald Trump who at whim uses him as the butt of his jokes, or orders him to get back in his plane, where he is believed to be chained up like the ‘gimp’ in Pulp Fiction and only fed fruit flavored pop tarts.

 Liam Neeson was called, using a special number that causes a red telephone to ring in his house. A representative for the actor says that he has been training with Gabriel Byrne for just such an eventuality.

We at the FBI have nothing but praise for the conduct of Mr. Neeson. He answered his differently colored telephone almost immediately and said he had a ‘certain set of skills’. We asked if he would use these skills to free Mr. Christie.

Would Liam Neeson be expected to ‘take out’ Donald Trump?

The FBI couldn’t possibly comment on that. That would be the CIA’s department.

Liam Neeson will be appearing in Martin Scorsese’s The Silence next month.

ARE REPUBLICAN DEBATES THE NEW TORTURE PORN?

WASHINGTON – Watching the last Republican Debate, The Studio Exec asked himself, sourly under his breath if they have now become the equivalent of torture porn.

Televised political debate in America has rarely looked like a subgenre of horror but the Republican debates are increasingly resembling some steamy mess that Eli Roth would concoct. Starting in August 2015 when ten presidential candidates put themselves forward for the Republican Party nomination the similarities have become uncanny.

First of all there’s that number. Ten candidates in the first debate. With another seven relegated to a shameful mini-debate. It was more like a later entry in the Final Destination franchise than a political line up. We just knew that some of these guys were only in it for the imaginative if implausible kill somewhere further down the line. And we also knew that as with The Green Inferno and Hostel it would be the ones who weren’t complete assholes that would be killed first. The second debate weirdly had more people rather than less though – Jeb Bush, Ben Carson, Chris Christie, Ted Cruz, Carly Fiorina, Mike Huckabee, John Kasich, Rand Paul, Marco Rubio, Donald Trump, and Scott Walker – but surely this was the calm before the storm. It wasn’t until the fourth debate that we began to get the numbers down, but that was only because the debate was held in Milwaukee and who wants to go there?

Then there was the content of the debate. The racism and the xenophobia, the promises to torture and to bomb, the sexism and the negativity, pyramids full of grain, snuff videos of babies limbs being harvested while they were still alive on the table, Megyn Kelly being shamed like Sissy Spacek in the first scene of Carrie.

Then there’s Ted Cruz who is essentially a cross between Grandpa Munster, the Zodiac killer and Damien from The Omen: The Final Conflict. Marco Rubio malfunctioned like one of the Westworld robots but in this version he shot himself in the foot and Donald Trump…

What can be said about Donald Trump that already hasn’t been said? He was invented by North Korea to show that although they have a mad dictator we are actually choosing Trump!  John Kasich is the only one among them that looks like he doesn’t have someone in the cellar waiting for a basket to lower the lotion.

However, the true horror is that this is all real. The victims have turned out not to be the contenders, but the country. I don’t want any of these people to win (that much should be obvious). And there have been voices celebrating a Trump nomination as essentially guaranteeing the White House for whoever will face him. But there are two problems with this analysis. One, your ideas improve if you have some quality opposing you. It sharpens your wit, and hell who knows, they might actually have some good ideas that you can take and use, even benefit from. Richard Nixon might have been the duplicitous shit bag that he was but he was strong on the environment and his rapprochement with China was a necessary step.  And two. They might win. They very much could win. The minute that the GOP sees that it is going to have to swallow a nomination, watch how Trump will tone down and think pieces will begin to appear about how Presidential he has begun to sound. Jesus Christ, I read three of them following his victories on Super Tuesday.

Fortunately, unlike Hostel, an election is an interactive experience. You can get out of your chair and pull a lever. A lever that might stop the torture that one of the candidates is actually proposing. And if you don’t pull that lever. Someone else will.

MY FAVORITE FILM: CHRIS CHRISTIE

NEW JERSEY – Yeah, you thought it was Cloudy with a Chance of Meatballs, didn’t you? Or Super Size Me, eh? I know how you think, you shmucks! Well, it ain’t.

It’s the Joel Schumacher 1993 drama Falling Down starring everyone’s favourite canyon yodeller, Michael Douglas. What an actor! What a guy! You know here’s the guy who has uncovered the threat that the Chinese pose in The China Syndrome, as well as the Japanese in Black Rain; how dangerous wives are in Battle of the Roses; lovers are in Fatal Attraction and lesbians in Basic Instinct. He ticks my boxes. I’ll tell you.  

What do I like abut this film? What’s not to like! The film follows a day in the life of a defence contractor, who one day abandons his car in the middle of what can only be described as Fellini-esque traffic jam. Yeah Fellini-esque! Yeah, I know Fellini. You turn off the after the bridge and tell him Chris sent you. Get the spicy sausage with the stuffed crust. It’s Neo-Real! Ha ha!


Anyway as he makes his way through Los Angeles, Mr. Douglas basically comes across political correctness gone crazy, immigrants, crime gone mad, police helpless and he goes a bit Zimmerman on their asses. No, not Bob you assholes. George. This is so humiliating. 

The best thing about the film – and everyone agrees – is the opening scene which is like this Dante vision of hell as a traffic jam. All those LA assholes broiling in this absolute Carmageddon! It makes you happy to live in the Garden State. Where such a thing could never happen. 

My second favourite film is Weekend by Jean Luc Godard. It’s like Falling Down but with tons of garlic.

For more Favorite Films, Click HERE.

SCIENTISTS WARN ‘ORLANDO BLOOM COULD RETURN’

LOS ANGELES – Hollywood was put on high alert last night as scientists from the Environmental Protection Agency warned that a return of Orlando Bloom was imminent. ‘We have been looking at a broad range of indicators including the screening guide of the 66th Cannes Film Festival and we have raised the Bloom alert to Code Red,’ said Dr. Yannater Silk of the EPA.

The effects of a return of Orlando Bloom are uncertain but some believe the worst case scenario could include food shortages and mass migration. Paul Rudd – a spokesman for the anti-Bloom pressure group Blando – said:

It has been two whole years since we had an Orlando Bloom film in the theatres and even then that was only a bit part in The Three Musketeers. The effect of a sudden return of Bloom could actually cause a kind of mental implosion. If that were to set off a chain reaction, the Earth’s crust could be compromised followed by the possibility of the destruction of all life on this planet. Or it could just be an unconvincingly wooden performance. One of the two.

Others, however, criticised such remarks as scaremongering. New Jersey Governor Chris Christie said:

I for one welcome Orlando Bloom back to our screens, especially if he plays an Elf. Or as the less interesting part of a Johnny Depp film. What I would object to and I believe we should all guard against is a repeat of that Elizabethtown bullshit.    

Orlando Bloom’s new film Zulu  will premier as the closing film of the Cannes Film Festival. Whether it spreads or not is yet to be seen, but the EPA is adamant that using nuclear weapons against the Croissette – as an extreme containment measure – has not been ruled out.