DAVID DUCHOVNY: ‘THE X-FILES ARE MADE BY A SHADOWY CONSPIRACY’

HOLLYWOOD – David Duchovny today unveiled the disturbing truth about his new TV show The X-Files: it is produced by shadowy organisation that is possibly run by aliens.

David Duchovny today broke cover to reveal that his TV show The X-Files is actually produced by a shadowy organisation with their own agenda and who might not be off this Earth. He dropped by the Studio Exec underground garage in order to talk to us about his concerns:

It’s the strangest thing but ever sine I started doing the show I wondered whether the plot of the show wasn’t sometimes reflected in the very way it was made. Fox Mulder – the character I play – would along with Dana Scully (played by good friend Gillian Anderson) receive a clue that something strange was going on and over the course of an hour there would be revelations that hinted at some larger more powerful agenda. Well imagine my surprise when I realized that the name of the station that broadcasts the show is Fox, just like the first name of my character Fox Mulder. Coincidence? I thought so too but this was only the beginning.

Really?

Absolutely. Fox is short for Fox Broadcasting Company which itself is subsidiary of Fox Entertainment Group which is owned by 21st Century Fox, which also owns Endemol whose biggest hit was Big Brother. Big Brother was also the name that George Orwell gave to the system of mass suveillance perpetrated by the totalitarian regime of his dystopian novel 1984. You still thing this is all a coincidence?

I don’t believe it.

The whole kit and caboodle is owned by Rupert Murdoch a registered alien.

I thought he was Australian.

Wake up, Exec! Don’t you see what’s going on? Murdoch owns the New York Times, The Wall Street Journal and Harper Collins, he even owns National Geographic Magazine for crying out loud! He was involved in case of phone hacking in the UK where his newspapers were found to be lousey with the practice.

Normally I’d say you’re crazy but you talk with that weirdly convincing nasal drone.

I have adenoids! Murdoch is without doubt one of the most powerfull men on the planet. He has a mass media empire that is rumored to be worth trillions. He makes and breaks governments, Presidents and Prime Ministers. And I know for a fact that he is behind the X-Files. Especially the most recent episodes whcih have gone away from extra-terrestial explanations to a shadowy conspiracy of government agencies. This is none other than the same bilge he’s been shoveling in his Fox News Channel, designed to make us cynical and despairing and ready for the next populist who comes along with a half decent haircut and the ability to rant in a nasal drone.

Wait, you have a nasal drone!

That’s right buster. I’m the one. I’m the new overlord. I’m going to take over and then it’ll be red shoe diaries 24/7.

The new X-Files are on.

 

GILLIAN ANDERSON NOT ALLOWED TO TRAVEL WITH DAVID DUCHOVNY

HOLLYWOOD – Following the news that Gillian Anderson was offered only half the pay of co-star for The X-Files reboot, it has emerged that she was also subject to a whole series of indignities.

A source close to the Chris Carter TV show The X-Files has EXCLUSIVELY told the Studio Exec that the different treatment of Gillian Anderson and David Duchovny went further than pay differentials.

Almost every aspect of production was unfairly skewed against Gillian Anderson. When we were on location, a car would pick up Duchovny but Gillian Anderson was given a bicycle with The X-Files written on it. For lunch David Duchovny has lobster and his own Italian chef whereas Gillian got vouchers for the local Subway.

That’s disgusting.

I know and don’t even get me started about the drinking fountains.

Didn’t Duchovny say anything?

He was really upset when he heard about it and the next day Gillian got vouchers for Burger King.

The X-Files is currently being broadcast.

TWIN PEAKS AND X-FILES TO MERGE

HOLLYWOOD – In a sensational decision Showtime and Fox have decided to merge the reboots of X-Files and Twin Peaks into one super show called Twin-Files: X Peaks.

Both X-Files and Twin Peaks had been announced for new seasons following a protracted hiatus for each. The decision was made shortly after midnight, the traditional time to make bad decisions. A spokesperson for Showtime spoke EXCLUSIVELY with the Studio Exec:

We’ve been thinking for a while why can’t we merge two shows in such a way as to create double the impact and these shows have large and committed fan bases who I feel will welcome the move. Plus many of these fans like both shows so they will be able to get their enjoyment in half the normal time which will leave them free for Role Playing Games and angry comment sections.

But how will you reconcile the different stories and themes?

Are they different? Really? In both shows, you have maverick FBI agents, so we’ll get Mulder (David Duchovny) and Skully (Gillian Anderson) and Cooper (Kyle MacLachlan). I mean Duchovny was in both shows so there’s a way in right there. In both shows, you have a paranormal element, be it UFOs or psychic visions. And in both shows you have a kind of kooky sense of humor which the guys from The Big Bang Theory are going to help us replicate. Also both shows were cancelled after they lost ratings and to some extent they lost their way.

Does the decision to merge the shows having anything to do with David Lynch dropping out of the project?

Absolutely, categorically yes. He left us with the scripts and he’ll be involved in some way, but he won’t be directing and we just thought without Lynch who is going to be watching? We got drunk after that and we were in the same cocktail bar as a load of Fox execs and they were bitching and moaning about Chris Carter, so we kind of began to put two and two together. We worked out that when it comes down to it, this isn’t about quality television or wonderful shows, or raping your memories, or a lack of originality, or beating dead horses, or a lack of orignality. No. It’s more about money. These two shows will be cheap to make and lots of people are going to tune in no matter what. So it’s a win-win.

Twin-Files: X Peaks will be broadcast in 2016.