OSCAR LUNCHEON MENU REVEALED

HOLLYWOOD – What was on the menu at the Oscar Luncheon yesterday? Find out.

The Beverly Hills Hilton was packed yesterday with actors, directors and studio execs was everyone pretended to like each other while secretly wishing that their rivals would do something to greatly upset a Mexican drug cartel or an effective terrorist organisation, or a foreign power with no scruples about targeted assassination. The occasion was the Oscar Luncheon that is traditionally served before the actually awarding of the Academy awards (also known as Oscars) at some point in February, we can never remember.

But what did the stars eat? Top chef Alain Pitioise has four Michelin tires and a degree in Home Economics from the Further Education College in Dijon, France – home of mustard. He was among the waiting staff and was able to sample the food and even improve it with some of what he obliquely refers to as ‘his special sauce’.

Antipasti – Lightly shaved dolphin flakes, on a bed of brown rice placed inside German pastry crowns and drizzled in blood from a three year old girl.

First Course – A choice of free range risotto with chopped kale and lightly mocked partridge  – or – curly freedom fries and a disproportionate response burger beaten by Chris Brown and delivered by drone.

Second Course – Braised tiger, released live into the luncheon room and hunted and killed by a team of top dentists and then served on the tips of flaming swords – to continue the Force Awakens theme.

Sweet – Peanut M&Ms lightly grilled, and served on bifurcated Oreos – ‘Here the chef has gone somewhere towards highlighting the problem of diversity in this year’s Oscars with a lightly satirical take on the whole OscarsSoWhite scandal. Very sweet, with notes of carcinogenic additives.’

Light white wine was served chilled by the hearts of the Koch brothers.

For more Oscars news CLICK HERE.

KANYE WEST ANNOUNCES RETIREMENT

HOLLYWOOD – Following the birth of his new son Saint West, musician, genius and rapper, Kanye West has announced his retirement from music.

Kanye West has given up his music career because he wants to devote himself to being an asshole. ‘The music, writing and recording and touring, it was all taking too much time away from all my asshole-y stuff,’ he told a close friend.

The news came as something as a shock to the general public but those close to Kanye West say that the decision has been years in the making. An insider spoke EXCLUSIVELY to the Studio Exec:

I don’t honestly think it has been a secret that Kanye has been drifting away from the music scene for some time. He has dabbled with the idea of entering politics, or perhaps funding some kind of tech start up company, or maybe even just being a full time dad, but music kept pulling him back.

In a statement released via his record label, Kanye announced:

After careful consideration and consultation with my family, my friends and my management team I have decided to retire from the music business effective immediately. I have loved music and still love it so much that it pains me but I have decided if I can’t give music the full 100% of my attention I shouldn’t really do it at all. And so I am retiring to devote myself 100% of the time to being an asshole. All my creative energy, all my time and all my energy will go into my endeavouring to be as big an asshole as it is possible to be. I’m not going to pretend it’s easy. After all we’ve got Drake, Chris Brown and now Donald Trump to compete with, but I’m sure with my experience and track record and with the laser precision focus I bring, I can become the number one asshole of the USA, if not the world.

Kanye West is available.

CHRIS BROWN IS THE NEW BATMAN

Controversial pop star Chris Brown is being lined up by Warner Brothers to play Batman in Spike Lee’s fresh new take on the popular franchise, The Black Knight.

It’s almost impossible to try and emulate Chris Nolan’s trilogy” said Lee “But by using the basic story as a template and putting a different spin on the whole Batman/Bruce Wayne saga. I think we’ve managed to create a unique script that’s going to delight and surprise.”

Lee went on to say that although he realizes Chris Brown divides opinion. Without him there would be no film.

I based my Batman on Chris he has the whole duality thing going on. On the face of it he’s a smooth soul singer but he also has this violent streak. In my version Bruce Wayne is a millionaire pop star with a crack addiction. He puts on a mask and randomly beats up anyone, old ladies, toddlers, the physically handicapped. But soon he begins to realise that he can use his rage to help people, rather than hospitalize them.

Rumored to be joining Brown inThe Black Knight is Denzel Washington as Commissioner Gordon, Chris Rock as The Joker and Brown’s on and off girlfriend Rhianna as Catwoman.

Chris and Rhianna have been practicing their fight scenes and let me tell you, they are so realistic you’d swear they were really beating each other up.

Lee also hit out at the critics who are already condemning him for not casting enough white actors in he film.

The script only calls for one white actor which is why we have Tom Hanks playing Alfred The Butler. I’m not going to apologize for that. I mean hell, Tarantino is about to start preproduction on 12 Angry Niggers but is anyone chastising him?


The Black Knight is due for release in 2014