5 FACTS YOU NEVER KNEW ABOUT HAN SOLO

HOLLYWOOD – With the news that there will be a stand alone Star Wars Anthology movie for Han Solo directed by Chris Miller and Phil Lord, the Studio Exec FACT Squad jumped into their Millennium Falcon and ‘punched it’.

So here are the five FACTS you need to know but didn’t about the man who made the Kessel run in under 12 par secs.

1. The Kessler Run is actually a really short distance and most people make it in 5 par secs easy. Han Solo has always been a bad liar, often making his lies less impressive than the truth would have been.

2. Han Solo’s real name is Derek ‘Hand’ Solo. The nickname ‘hand’ comes from the old Academy days when ‘Hand’ was known mainly for his endless devotion to Onanism. He dropped the ‘D’ for obvious reasons.

3. Wookie co-pilot Chewbacca and Han Solo have only had sex with each other once when they were both very drunk. Neither have ruled a repetition out, but have no plans to take the relationship any further.

4. The Millennium Falcon actually belongs to Chewbacca, but Wookies are notoriously inept at legal niceties and Han Solo just pretends it belongs to him. He’s been doing it so long now that when the time comes to pay the insurance both Chewbacca and Han Solo are surprised to find the ship in Chewbacca’s name. They laugh over this now.

5. Han Solo never actually married Princess Leia. They just live together and have great sex.

For more FACTS click HERE.

JJ ABRAMS’ MILLENNIUM FALCON PIC CAUSES CONFUSION

HOLLYWOOD – A new picture of the Millennium Falcon from the set of J.J. Abrams’ Star Wars: Episode 7 has caused huge internet confusion mixed with consternation and laced with trepidation.

The picture of the Millennium Falcon was put up by Mr. Abrams who has been strategically teasing glimpses of the production from concept art to a photograph of the first read through. However, initial reaction ranged from puzzled to furious.

‘Is that what I think it is?’ commented a wryly amused George Lucas. ‘Oh well. Whatever.’

On twitter @EwoksBinks – commonly recognised as the biggest Star Wars fan in the world – tweeted, ‘This is an outrage. 1st genocide, then child diseases and now this? #GodisNotGood’

Abrams himself however played down the controversy and in an EXCLUSIVE telephone conversation with Studio Exec revealed the direction the Star Wars universe might be taking:

Everyone knows I did Star Trek coming into this. And so I was always going to be influenced by that universe. So I’ve been thinking more and more, what if the two universes were actually one universe? I talked to Disney and they said ‘Would it be cheap?’ I said, ‘Yeah’, and so here we are.

Can you give us any other hints of how Star Trek is influencing Star Wars?

No, not at all. To tell you anymore would be illogical as Chewbaccca would say!

Star Wars 7: The Wrath of the Sith will be released in 2016.

 

R2-D2 MIGHT NOT BE IN STAR WARS 7

HOLLYWOOD – R2-D2 might miss out on a role in Star Wars 7 as a result of his anti-Semitic outburst which was caught on tape and leaked onto the internet.

The fall out continued today as Hollywood reeled from the revelation that one of its best loved personalities showed a decidedly ugly side to his character. Jodie Foster immediately leaped to his defense. ‘I’m a lesbian,’ she said. ‘And that’s none of your business either.’
J.J. Abrams was unavailable at the time of writing for comment, but rumors from the Disney camp are that the chances of R2-D2 getting the gig have been reduced dramatically since the publication of the tape. A source close to the production said:

It isn’t the anti-Semiticism. If anything we encourage that at Disney. No, it’s the profanity, especially from a character who is beloved of children everywhere.    

C-3PO has flown in from Belgium – where he was recently crowned King (for more on that story CLICK HERE) – to have a conference with his creative partner. However, Jewish groups have pointed out that C-3PO himself has a chequered history when it comes to associating with White Power and Race Hate groups. Josh Stiglitz of Jews for Star Wars said, ‘We have evidence that neither of these droids would sit at the same table with Chewbacca and insisted on Anakin and his mother being owned by a dirty Jew as a precondition for making The Phantom Menace. If anything this latest outburst only confirms what we always suspected.’

Others have claimed however, that this is a problem of translation. ‘He was obviously saying Jawa,’ said R2-D2’s close friend and attorney Mike Dinkum.

Mel Gibson has nothing to do with this story.

The full tape can be seen by CLICKING HERE.

C-3PO CROWNED KING OF BELGIUM

BRUSSELS – In a move that has been coming for some time and surprised no one C-3PO, humanoid cyborg and protocol droid has been crowned King of Belgium.

The small European country has long adored C-3PO and the far right party – the Volky Volky Bang Bang – has spared no effort to bring about C-3PO’s coronation, including the ousting of present King, Albert the Second.


The VVBB spokesman Pierre La Glue commented:

C-3PO is Belgian. That much is obvious. We are tri-lingual, speaking French, German and Flemish, and King Threepio is adept at over one hundred forms of communication. He is a protocol droid and we in Belgium adore protocol. And he hates black people and we at the VVBB believe they should be DRIVEN INTO THE SEA!!!

The move was however not welcomed by everyone. Prime Minister Elio di Rupo said it ‘was all a bunch of silliness’ and his Belgian Socialist Party released a statement which reads:

C-3PO is a well known bigot and a Holocaust denier. He believes that children should be used as slaves and his sexual politics are, well, from another planet. Not to mention he is a coward. What we at the BSP want to know is why Chewbacca was not even on the shortlist? His love of mayonnaise is the stuff of Wookie legend. And he has none of these reprehensible racial politics which go back to his upbringing on the slave planet of Tatooine. 

However, despite these dissenting voices, the atmosphere in Brussels this morning was quietly jubilant and police were expecting crowds of from thirteen to twenty six people to line the procession route. Some seasoned Star Wars watchers say that the participation of King C-3PO is now in doubt for Episode 7, others seemed confused by the question and seemed unaware that Belgium even existed.

MARK HAMILL NEEDS TIME TO CONSIDER FUTURE

Mark talking yesterday

Mark Hamill has revealed that he is considering returning as Luke Skywalker in the new Disney version of the Star Wars franchise. ‘I have been approached by George [Lucas?], and he seemed keen for us to have roles in the new film,’ said Hamill who shot to fame as the voice of the Joker, before landing the role of the farm hand who turns Jedi knight before discovering his father is responsible for genocide and an irresponsible method of cutting other people’s fingernails [SPOILER ALERT].

I told them I would like to do it but I do need time to consider all my options. After all, Wednesdays I’ve just signed on for Joe Pesci’s Pilates class and Joe’s very strict – if I don’t show I still have to pay for the lesson.

Hamill who also lost a nut in Robert Aldrich’s The Big Red One said he believed other cast members had been approached. ‘I know Harrison Ford is very keen, because his career is basically in the toilet,’ said Hamill. ‘But Billy Dee Williams is very taken with his Korean noodle restaurants and Chewbacca is doing Shakespeare at the Globe this season.’

For more news on Star Wars just don’t be brain dead this year and you’ll get enough to make you vomit in your own mouth.

CHEWBACCA RULES HIMSELF OUT OF STAR WARS 7

HOLLYWOOD – In alarming news for Star Wars fans everywhere, Chewbacca – the large walking carpet as he prefers to be known – ruled himself out of any participation in the new Disney run Star Wars sequel Episode 7. ‘It’s a blatant cash grab,’ said the Wookie. ‘And frankly I have better things to do with my time.’

Chewbacca retired from acting in 1993 after his character’s scenes were axed from Schindler’s List.

‘When that happened I was devastated,’ says Chewie. ‘I had really seen this as an opportunity not to be typecast and to do something with a little more heft, but Steven said that it wasn’t fitting to the period or tone of the piece. Well, fine but he could have made that decision earlier and saved me six months of hard work.’


Since retiring from acting, Chewbacca has pursued a variety of failed business ventures and botched career changes:

I was a golf pro at a Palm Springs course, but then I had to leave because of … ahem … indiscretions. Then I opened my own series of Korean themed fast food restaurants called Chewie’s Chews; you heard of them? No? I’m not surprised. They were open a week before we got closed down. 

Always seen as the loose canon of the Star Wars cast, Chewbacca is unforgiving in his assessments of the other alumni from a galaxy far, far away, recently causing outrage when he commented: ‘Hamill’ll do anything for a peanut butter sandwich.’

‘I wish them all the luck in the world, but at the moment I have my Zumba club to concentrate on,’ Chewie said, before giving us his trade mark arrghghhghhwargghgh.